But somehow all of those fashions would look really slick... on the average yakuza boss...

Do they sell bling to go with them?

I remember my college Japanese tutor Kenji. What a great (and intelligent) guy. He was a misfit in Japan, though, headed for their version of vo-ed (and so social pariah-hood.) At one (young) point the normally clean-cut Kenji was in metal band, had long hair, and wore leopard-spotted wife-beaters, long past the time glam metal had died out in the States.

There's no explaining the Japanese ;-)

Do they still like tiramisu in odd forms like cola? I've never been, but I'm off to reread Speed Tribes, which has no right being out-of-print, especially considering all of the influence it has had on people like Wm. Gibson.

Here are my reccommendations...

This one says kinda wacky, kinda zany, but vewy, vewy sleepy. Nap now.

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This one is Bye, Bye, Birdy meets Norman Bates. Hot!

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This one says "I'm so manly and confident, I'm not afraid to dress like my own grandmaw."

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This one moonlights as a Blogger template in its spare time.

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Anti-Ninja!!!!:

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So. What do you choose?

oh, no! I forgot one!

This one is either "I've fallen... and I can't get up!" (too easy), or "Hey buddy, spare a guy who's a little down on his luck some change so he can buy a pair of socks?"

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You have to wonder exactly what "Big & Tall" means in Japan. When I was there the only "big" person I ever saw was a young Sumo wrestler getting on a train in Shinjuku. There was certainly no one I'd call "tall", at least by my standards (6'4" or 193 cm). It's interesting that all the models are Westerners, isn't it?

"I'm 45, balding, and keen to look hip like the kids. Does this work?"

Taz, you're killing me.

My freakishly large husband refuses to shop at the Big and Tall store because he says, and I quote, "That's where the big, dumb hicks go to buy suits for court appearances."

"I'm 45, balding, and keen to look hip like the kids. Does this work?"

"Hi, I'm William Hurt, and you might remember me from some really good and some, um, not-so-good films. I watched Lost In Translation and thought maybe I could go to Japan, get a gig advertising some of that single-malt the Japanese have bought up from all the Scottish companies, and maybe hook up with Scarlett Johanssen or some other hot young chick.

"Hey, if Bill Murray can do it, anyone can.

"Does the outfit help? I hear Carhardt is hip with the kids."

I wonder how long it took them to find men who could pose in those outfits with a straight face.

All these models look like they have gas. They're slightly bent over, pained faces...

Thanks for making me laugh so I can stop crying for a while. I'd only been in that store once, about 5 years ago, and left almost immediately when I saw the truly odd casual wear which is indeed favored by yakuza. In fact, there used to be a yakuza office nearby.

I went back in there on Sunday because I'm getting desperate as all my clothes and shoes fall to tatters, and my Mom went and died so now I am on my own. To make matters worse, Lands End seems to have fallen on hard times, and their selection is not what it used to be. Also, my wife has started watching a newly imported American show where 4 or 5 gay guys give fashion and lifestyle advice to regular Joes who aren't up to snuff in clothing and decor. So now she looks at me and nods knowingly, "uh-huh, uh-huh," when these guys are trashing their subjects.

Also, I've lost 60 pounds, so I look somewhat like a clown in the suits I still wear with the waistband folded back on itself.

All this adds to me having to sharpen up in the fashion department. One thing I gleaned from the gay guy fashion expert was that you need a basic set of navy suit and dark gray suit, five shirts and five ties, so I think I'll start there. My gray suit is light gray, so I'll get a dark gray suit. I have like 40 ties, but I suppose most of them don't present any classic look, so I can throw away most of them and get a few more.

Shirts I only have in white, blue and tan. I never learned how to match colored shirts and ties with suits. That's something I have to do.

Any suggestions on online shops?

For the core - say a pair of suits and a half dozen shirts, what about made-to-measure by a local tailor? Or how about going on a shopping vacation in Hawaii or Sydney? If there is a Nordstrom in HI, they will have consultants to help you w/ the wardrobe basics.

Do not under any circumstances take the advice of the gay guys on TV. Anybody who puts a tshirt on over a collared shirt needs to be pointed at and ridiculed.

If you go on a shopping vacation, with a little money, you can go to Hong Kong and get some relatively inexpensive bespoke items -- custom made shirts and suits look great and last forever. It takes about three days for the multiple fittings and the tailoring, but you'll walk outta there a new (stylin' and profilin') man.

For shoes try zappos dot com, and if you have really big feet there's a site I can't remember but I can ask my friend who wears size sixteens if you need.

Oh yeah, and if you head up to Sapporo, you can get larger sizes at regular stores. Depending on how big/tall you are, you may be able to find stuff that fits. Even places like Parco had stuff that fit me (190 cm/86 kg), though the selection gets trimmed down by little people who like to dress big and medium people who think they're giants (a pox on both their houses). Also, with all the Russians up north, you can find lots of black clothing and leather jackets for good prices.

I gather you can also find larger sizes in Sendai and Morioka, but I don't have any first-hand experience there.

Gah!! What the hell is that place? International Pale?

Land's End got bought out by Sears, so it's not what it was. Eddie Bauer is still good for big guy basics, though.

And yeah, don't listen to everything the Queer Eye guys tell you. Except for that part about never wearing pleated pants. That's true.

Unless they're suit pants, and your jacket has an american cut with a vent in the back, in which case you'll look stylish and pretty classy (as opposed to fashionable and vain, which those queer-eyed guys would make everyone). But without a jacket, pleats do give most men an unflattering silhouette.

Never wear cuffed trousers, though, unless you're short and squat. And always match your socks to your trousers, not your shoes. Extends the line of your leg and makes you look more graceful.

Anybody who puts a tshirt on over a collared shirt needs to be pointed at and ridiculed.

...unless maybe he has a mohawk.

Never wear cuffed trousers, though, unless you're short and squat. And always match your socks to your trousers, not your shoes. Extends the line of your leg and makes you look more graceful.

Wow! You da man!