An old friend still thinks I am mad about something that happened a long time ago, that I am not mad about. In fact, she accused me several times of being mad in bizarre emails. At first I tried telling her I was not mad. I finally got so irritated I stopped replying. Now, years later, she has emailed to say she has schizophrenia, and her breakdown and diagnosis happened a few years after I stopped communicating with her. She says she's on medication, and she misses me. I would like to write something nice in return. But... She also said in her email that she knows I am still mad about that thing. You know, the thing?

Do I write something short and nice and supportive, without mentioning the thing or the emails or any of that stuff? I'm not sure how much of a friend I can be with all that baggage left untended. I can, however, be the person who sends her nice emails about mild, pleasant stuff from time to time. (The change would be noticeable, though, because our previous friendship when we lived in the same location involved analyzing everything, worrying about lots of interpersonal stuff in our lives, and generally being close. Things went bad after it became a long-distance thing.)

Or do I try to tackle it as gently and honestly as I can? Am I getting back on the merry-go-round? So far, every time I start to compose an email, I eventually wind up mentioning this stuff. I also wonder if it's condescending to just let it go, because she could not handle it. On the other hand, I don't want to be a bitch who can't let unimportant things go. Maybe I'm over-thinking the whole thing?

I think I'll just tally up all your answers and go with the majority. Or something. Maybe I'll do the opposite of whatever Cap'n says. :) That's assuming any of you are still awake or alive after reading this long, and have the strength to comment.

Or do I try to tackle it as gently and honestly as I can?

Yes. She has been sick, and is trying to get better. How would you like to be treated if it were you?

Me? I would write back to say that I miss her, too, and that renewing correspondence would be fun - so this would be great. On one condition, though. She must let go of the idea that I'm still mad about the thing, because I'm really and honestly not mad about it (repeat: NOT MAD), haven't been mad about it for X years (repeat: NOT MAD), and she just has to believe me about that, because insisting that I'm mad about it will only make me mad.

In other words... I would just tell the truth and act naturally. Trying to shape an email personality just to deal with her would be hurtful to your friend, and frustrating for you.

"Do I write something short and nice and supportive, without mentioning the thing or the emails or any of that stuff?"

Sure. Offer support to a friend but don't get wrapped up in delusion.

"I'm not sure how much of a friend I can be with all that baggage left untended." Let the past go she is sick.

"On one condition, though. She must let go of the idea that I'm still mad about the thing, because I'm really and honestly not mad about it (repeat: NOT MAD), haven't been mad about it for X years (repeat: NOT MAD), and she just has to believe me about that, because insisting that I'm mad about it will only make me mad."

taz, that is all irrelevant if she still has delusions. I know this all too well. Logic means nothing in the face of schizophrenia. You must not agree with it but don't try to convince the sufferer that they are wrong. Just no point.

This happened to me. I have a friend I've known since 7th grade and she got sick. I kept wondering why her behavior got weirder and weirder and I was just about to cut off all contact when she called and told me she'd been diagnosed with a mild form of schizophrenia.

Problem is, she doesn't always take her meds...so sometimes she's lucid and fine and others...
Well, it can be a trial. But she was my first love and knowing someone for 20+ years means something...so knowing that it's not her fault makes being patient at times much easier.

I hope your heart is bigger than mine. I'm sure she'd never wish her sickness on anyone.

I would just let the past slide into the dustbin of history. The best way to show that you don't care about the thing is to simply ignore it, unless she asks you directly. To my mind, if she is effectively living with her dx, then she should be able to percieve that you do not retain any ill will without the former cloud of paranoia and crap that the illness brings

On an upbeat note schizophrenia almost always gets better with age. As folks get older it just seems to go away. If they make it to 40 it tends to be all better and better from there.

Thanks for all the thought-provoking comments so far. Is there a really great book about schizophrenia for friends and family I should read?

Yeah, I was sort of going along with the idea that the treatment is making things relatively normal... but the fact that she has mentioned it again, I suppose means that, at least as far as the thing goes, she is still hanging on to a delusion. If that's the case, then I suppose addressing is futile, but I guess I'd try it once.

Still, I don't think I'd try to walk on eggshells too much. It seems like the comfort of having some kind of connection with her old friend is going to be greater if her old friend is... well... pretty much still the same person, not some careful, measured mailbot (hyperbole! yay!).

Don't have any books od but these folks can be a great help.

I would mention, a la Taz, that The Thing is no longer an issue, and never was, and hope that she reads it in a moment of lucidity. Then I'd spend the rest of the letter building up what will hopefully be your relationship from now on...

This may do no good. Be aware of that. She may read just a few words, or she may take it all to heart. Be prepared for either reaction, and if it's the latter (and she holds this imaginary grudge), just remember that it's not her fault: approach her every time reminding her, "I'm not mad at you," until it finally clicks with her that you aren't mad at her.

Even when you make this breakthrough, it may not last... the next time you see her, she might be convinced you're mad at her, again.

Schizophrenia causes certain impulses in our brain to get "stuck"... usually the strong ones, like fear, or anger. The person feeling them is locked into a certain emotion and makes up reasons to be feeling it, which is why they imagine things about people around them, usually people that they love. They see you, and they're locked into "anger," and their brain tells them that you are angry at them, or vice versa. You can say all you want, but if their medication goes off, or they forget to take it, they are going to think you're angry with them, or that they're angry with you, again. Be prepared for that.

I would just let the past slide into the dustbin of history. The best way to show that you don't care about the thing is to simply ignore it, unless she asks you directly.
posted by Triode

I hate to contradict someone directly like this, but I have to say DON'T do this. Someone with schiozphrenia has not forgotten about the imagined incident that she thought made you mad in the first place... you need to address that there WAS NO INCIDENT at least once, and if she brings it up in the future you reiterate that there was no incident, and you are not mad at her.

BoringPostcards. I hate to contradict you but I will.

Unless she brings it up ignore it. Do not ever support the delusion unless she brings it up then simply deny it and move on. If she can't let it go get out and protect yourself and call for help if you think she will hurt herself.

My cousin, when talking to my uncle would hear the Vietcong talking about how the Americans came and burned their babies, never mind that my uncle was and RAF pilot in WW II.

Logic does not apply.

What I'm finding hard to work out is if the "Thing" is part of your friends delusional world view. If it is, then it's going to be nigh on impossible to convince her that you are not still mad about it. If not, then a simple "I'm not mad about that thing" would suffice. You're not stating if you were / were not mad about it initially, you're saying you're not mad about it now.

Be aware that any moment of lucidity may easily degenerate into delusion. Even if she accepts that you're not mad about the thing, that doesn't mean it's not going to come up again and again. If she feels a lack of trust about this one issue, it's going to be easy for her to use it as a seed for a larger delusional construct. I would be tempted to try and let the issue slide. BoringPostcards is right, but I just wonder if reenforcing any feelings she has on the matter is the way to go.

Ultimately I don't know. Schizophrenia is a complicated disease and so much depends on the character and obsessional targets of the person that is ill that it makes it almost impossible to offer salient advice.

Good luck. Do the best you can and remember that this issue is not your fault.

One thing - Don't lie and say you were actually mad at her about the thing. This will only make things worse. Either ignore the issue or state simply that you are not mad about the thing.

Story.

I knew a girl with schizophrenia. All was OK between us. I kept a distance, and when I had to, I tried to be understanding but honest. That worked OK. I only experienced her wrath a couple of times. However, she beat up a friend of mine, a girl who she was extremely obsessed with and who she accused of having stolen her name & identity. After a spell in the local nuthouse, I saw her again. She was lucid and friendly but I was still angry about the beating so I refused her offers of going for a coffee.

The conversation quickly degenerated from there. "Why don't you want a coffee with me" became (in the space of 3 minutes) a complete scene where she basically followed me up the road screaming. "You fucking puff, you fucking puff, she poisoned you against me, you're one of them, she's hypnotised you, she stole my name and my songs, it was her that beat me up."

Moral of the story: No moral. It's just really, really hard to deal with schizophrenia and lucidity can leave in minutes.

I am torn between the desire to give a more accurate account, and the need to keep the details vague so it's not identifiable in case my friend is googling "my schizophrenic friend thinks i'm mad at her, what should i do?" or something.

Suffice it to say that by going over the story again I am pretty convinced that her belief that I am still mad about that Thing is part of her delusion (although probably not her biggest issue in this illness), and she did bring it up in her latest email. She believes it is the reason I haven't been in contact. So it needs to be addressed in some way.

If I deny it, there is the choice of saying, "No I wasn't still mad about the fight all this time, I was mad later because your emails were upsetting me, but now I understand better" or letting it go and saying, "Well, I'm not mad now, let's talk about something else." And maybe as long as we talk about other things our interactions will be fairly normal again. And I guess I need to prepared for the issue to come up again, possibly repeatedly, and figure out how to deal with it.

She has been sick, and is trying to get better. How would you like to be treated if it were you?

I honestly don't know the answer to that question. There are times I would be very sensitive to being talked down to, or managed by someone. Other times, I have not been ready to hear things someone might want to say and have been grateful for simple acceptance and tact. I can only imagine what she's going through, and not very well.

Thanks for your collective awesomeness.

I think that your first choice is the best, but clearly state that you understand that this was a result of her illness.

You have a big heart, o.d. :) If it were me, I'd do what taz said. Just make sure your feet are on the ground and you take care of yourself - both emotionally and physically. Even if it means cutting the cord. She has help, which is good, and will make the cord cutting easier for you if it has to be done.

I'd do what taz said and then ignore any future reference to the "thing".

Good luck, OD.

Schizophrenia's hard, because it attacks what seems to make us most human - our ability to think through things, judge what's real and true and right and what is illusion.

I tend to think there's probably no point in arguing with your friend, or even bringing up the old issue again after these many years. If you want to be involved with this person again, make up your mind to be a supportive friend. Regardless of the nuttiness that comes your way, you have the choice and the obligation to ignore it and to focus your friendship on the positive things that are there.

Still, I think it's hard to be too close to someone who suffers with this illness. I don't mean this judgmentally, but it seems to me that the losses from this illness diminish people in the eyes of those of us who don't suffer under the burden of fixed false delusions.

Go gently, with yourself as well as your friend, and it'll be all right.

Hi ods, In my neighborhood there is a halfway house for schizophrenics. When I street vend, I often ask some of the patients there, who are allowed out, to watch my stand so I can take a bathroom break. They are almost always very sweet, likeable and helpful, yet not really all there. However, friends of mine in the hood, who've worked around schizophrenics, say they can be very erratic, one neighbor was stabbed 17 times visiting the halfway house.

A daughter of a schizophrenic I knew a little online, said her dad was very narcissistic.

Googled some info and here is a bit of clinical info, a little more generic info, including a Yahoo group for friends and family of schizophrenics, which seems pretty busy from the number of posts per day.

I'm inclined to agree with ikkyu2.