I'll keep this as brief as I can.

I have this friend who used to live a few miles away. We've been friends for about 10 years, after I started the job I'm in now, which I love, she also found a job there (in a different section). A couple of years ago her marriage broke up and about 18 months ago she moved away, back to her home town, about 250 miles away. I was really sad to see her leave, I suppose we were best friends, we loved our girlie shopping days and our cats, and we both loved to watch football too.

We've kept in touch by phone and email, and she's had one visit back to Essex. For various reasons to do with her moving house and my being away elsewhere, we've not managed to co-ordinate a visit by me up there. So our main contact has been by phone.

But I've noticed (and I had also noticed this to some extent before she went back up north) that all our conversations have one subject - her. I always ask how she is and what's been happening with her, and she can talk forever about herself, her job, her house, her divorce, her friends, her pets, her ailments (she's a bit of a hypochondriac), and (ad nauseum) her football team, yadda yadda yadda ... but she never, ever asks how I am or what I've been doing. If I start to tell her what I've been doing, she interrupts with more yak about herself.

I've just had a 45-minute conversation with her in which she talked about herself barely pausing for breath, and in which I deliberately volunteered no information at all about what I've been up to, to see if she'd ask. She didn't.

I wondered if I was just being a bit over-sensitive, but this phone call was in a way a kind of test to see if I was imagining it, but I wasn't. I really like her, she's a lot of fun to be with, but this is looking increasingly like a one-sided friendship where I'm just a sounding board.

I have hurt feelings about this.

Lots of people are like that, i find (and it sucks)...i chalk it up to that you're seen as "a listening friend" and not really an equal friend (for back and forth and mutual stuff and support and fun)--i've really tried to limit my time with people who see me as only a listener for them and never the opposite--i've even stopped being friends with some of them.

It sucks, but i find it really insulting to be used all the time by those kinds of people, which makes it a little better to handle.

Funny, that reminds me of the time I...kidding.

Yeah, it can be really hurtful when that happens. You've been friends for a long time, so although it's difficult it sounds like you might have to bring it up with her. She's probably completely unaware that she's doing it, and the worst that will happen is that she won't change or won't care, at which point you can make the decision about whether the friendship is worth keeping. However, she may be appalled to discover how self-absorbed she's been and how much it's hurt you, and you may become closer as a result. At any rate, you'll be no worse off than you are now, and will have cleared the air.

Yeah, some people are just like that and probably don't realize that they do it. The only thing you can do is make it clear to her when she's doing it, and not just let it happen all the time. Or end the friendship.

Those are the kind of people who call five times a day about their (divorce, dying parent, medical problem) and you think of them as a friend until your (divorce, dying parent, medical problem) comes along and they are all "mmm hmm, gotta run."

For them I think the listener doesn't really have to be anyone in particular, just someone with whom they can get away with it.

Once that you need them and they are not there, they'll have to move on to the next one, as they've probably done before.

I too know of a few people like that, jan. I have noticed that they are those in greatest need to be "patted in the back". They have low self esteem and plenty of self pity and they are laboring hard to get you (and a lot of others) to feel the same. This is not so unnatural. If it is not too prolonged.

I would ask myself whether she's always been like that (but not so bad obviously) and whether she is like that with other people. I guess it is hard for you to know the latter. Nevertheless, if I were friends with someone for so long, I would probably try to bring it up gently, mostly to remark that such an attitude is not appreciated by anyone really and she will end up with very few, if any, friends left. You could actually try to convince her that she needs to 'let go' and sometimes talking obsessively about things will not help with that.

And since you are at it, is she the only one who treats you like that? Some people have a very nurturing/understanding personality that just begs others to open up.

I used to know someone like that. Even when something interesting would happen to someone else they would work in some way to bring the conversation back to themselves. I don't talk to them anymore and that's one of the reasons why.

If I start to tell her what I've been doing, she interrupts with more yak about herself.

I've just had a 45-minute conversation with her in which she talked about herself barely pausing for breath, and in which I deliberately volunteered no information at all about what I've been up to, to see if she'd ask. She didn't.

After about six years of knowing a certain friend I realized the same thing. I also did the same thing; I had a phone conversation with her and waited to see if she'd ask me how I was. She never did, and I broke off with her. We'd been inseparable for three years while we were roommates in college. But despite our long history it was worth it.

To be on the phone with a friend, hoping for some support, and getting nothing, just feels so horrible.

A mutual friend of ours broke off with her at the same time. He has not regretted it either.

Funny, that reminds me of the time I...kidding.

Damn, I was gonna say the same thing... and I wasn't really kidding...!

Sorry to hear it, Essexjan. Take time to mourn, 10 years is a long time.

Those are the kind of people who call five times a day about their (divorce, dying parent, medical problem) and you think of them as a friend until your (divorce, dying parent, medical problem) comes along and they are all "mmm hmm, gotta run."

A little over two years ago I was in hospital after major surgery and, although she lived closest to the place out of all my friends, she was 'too busy' to visit.

When George died she left a message saying how sorry she was to hear about "Bob's death".

When George died she left a message saying how sorry she was to hear about "Bob's death".

Ouch. I think you've been more patient than most people would be.

A little over two years ago I was in hospital after major surgery and, although she lived closest to the place out of all my friends, she was 'too busy' to visit.

When George died she left a message saying how sorry she was to hear about "Bob's death".

Wow, that is breathtakingly hurtful. With that in mind, I have to second dodgy at this point. Anyone who is that astoundingly insensitive is just sucking on your energy and taking advantage of your obvious good nature. As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.

Bob!? Dump her! She's hurting you!

As a person who is incredibly empathetic/sympathetic, and a great listener (who really enjoys listening), and a very loving person... I have to say, DTMFA.

I used to be oppressed by people who took advantage of my strangely open and empathetic nature... but, with time, I changed. I learned fairly early how to turn myself off to the users. And, as well, I can now be so blunt and honest, and... well, cruel (but never gratuitously!) to parasites that it takes my husband's breath away... He's completely confused by my dual nature regarding these things in which he often has trouble distinguishing why I act in different ways towards different people.

I don't do it to him, though! He never deserves that from me... And, in his kindness, sweetness, honesty and tolerance, he jas been my major role model for life, and has totally changed (for the better) how I address the world.

On the other hand, my attitude towards parasitic personalities is unbending, however uncomfortable that might be for them.

My advice is to work on developing your dual nature as loving-jan and don't-fuck-with-me-jan (dont even think about it, asshole.). It's pretty much the only thing that has saved me from constant heartarche in my life.

What amberglow said.

I think I was probably somewhat like that when I was younger. I was going through a lot and it caused me to be self-absorbed and less than empathetic. In that case, I would have appreciated it if a friend had told me I was being one-sided and they wanted me to listen too. In fact, I would have been appalled to find out what my behavior had been and would have been very sad that I had hurt my friend. I may still get like that sometimes, and would always be glad for a gentle reminder that friendship is a two-way street.

On the other hand, it sounds like your friend is (a) not young and (b) truly callous and self-absorbed. Bob??? She doesn't give a shit. Dump her.

(((jan))) She's not worth your time.

You deserve better. Let the friendship lapse.

On the other hand, my attitude towards parasitic personalities is unbending, however uncomfortable that might be for them.
I have learned this the hard way, too - you only have so much to give and people who won't be there for you in return are not worth your attention. I don't have many friends, but those I do have I can count on to help me out if I need it, no matter what and they know I will do the same for them.

If in doubt, apply the "would/would not help hide a body if phoned at 3am" test.

You deserve way better, but are wasting energy that could be used for good on someone who doesn't deserve it.

does it bother anyone the way we freely dispense advice based on such a small amount of evidence?