Yeah, dating sucks. I think it's really all a matter of luck, really.

Should I take a break?

If you need to, yeah. It can help you get things into perspective, think more about what you really want, spend your energy on something more fulfilling, get in touch with old friends. Only you know what you should do, though.

Yeah, I agree with mats, a break can be great. But if you do it, don't let it go on too terribly long, like years. Singlehood can become all too comfortable and self-indulgent, preventing some good personal development and maturation.

I'm literally afraid of dating. I've been working on it, but yeah, it's actually excruciating for me in the degree of vulnerability it causes.

Still, I don't want to die alone and be found by the UPS man 6 days later, after the cats have eaten my face. So we date.

(I forget who here said the thing about the cats, but I stole it and use it all the time now, because it perfectly expresses my horror of a solitary old age and meaningless death).

Some cheerful thoughts for Wednesday!

Miko,

Still, I don't want to die alone and be found by the UPS man 6 days later, after the cats have eaten my face. So we date.

I think you've just convinced me to keep dating until the end of time if I have to.

I agree with Miko on a lot of that. I didn't date seriously for several years - during which I got some good stuff done in the getting-my-head-on-straight department, but my solitude did go on for too long, and things were feeling stagnant and unchallenging. So I decided to let myself get challenged by getting close to people for a change, and hoo-boy have my emotions been getting an exercise this year!

I didn't say the thing about the cats, but I sure could have, as it does express my own thoughts about the issue.

Punch, how old are you and/or what stage of life do you feel you are at?

*must put thoughts of eating Miko's face out of haid*

um, yes, dating can be exhausting. Thinking about dating can be tiresome.

*maybe just a nibble? SILENCE!*

Jesus Punch, get out while you can!

I felt totally and completely resigned these past few months. I decided, eh, if something falls into my lap, great, otherwise, I'm not gonna worry about it. It was nice to give up worrying for awhile.

TPS: That's a good description of how I am starting to feel.

matildaben: Age: Mid-20s. Stage of life: Not ready to grow up or settle down.

Not ready to grow up or settle down? Forget dating. Find yerself a good friend who's in the same spot and make an honest booty arrangement. That's what kept me busy for the bulk of my non-dating years.

What does dating mean in this context? Do you mean going out on dates with people from teh internet in the hopes of finding someone you like?

I've not been in a serious relationship for five years now and there ain't been a whole lot of dates or one-night-stands mixed in there, either.

So I hate all of you.

Glad to provide an expression of your horror, Miko! The thought truly terrifies me as well.

I have a first date tomorrow night. I already feel a little ill from nerves.

there there, kmellis, pi has had exactly two girlfriends in 29 years, and I ain't throwing myself of no buildings.

It's when you stop trying that the magic happens.

Trying to throw yourself off of buildings? I'll say.

Gravity punctuated by a bloody stop isn't magic.

Wait, has David Blaine recovered yet?

LT, you know that the way to fly is to throw yourself at the ground and miss, right?

oh, totally, Pi, but the practice looked really, really hard.

That is a great suggestion. But I imagine it is a bit easier to find someone when you are a chick than a dude. Frankly, I wouldn't know where to begin, and wouldn't want my friends to think I was sleazy.

pieisexactlythree: Most of it has been people I've known in real life. I have already become entirely disillusioned with teh intarweb dating. I went on one to two dates with about four girls from the internet? Probably many more who had cold feet at the last minute and canceled our date. So I totally gave up on it. But I couldn't resist checking my inbox every once in a while, and two girls contacted ME. Became boyfriend/girlfriend with one of them when I realized I wasn't really into her. The other one didn't get that far.

So I've been trying to date people from real life, but nothing ever goes anywhere with them either and I'm starting to feel the same way about real-life-person-dating as internet dating.

kmellis, get crackin'!

It's when you stop trying that the magic happens.

I'm a little afraid of sounding rude by saying this, I've come to the conclusion that this philosophy is a dangerous one.

Love may 'just happen' for some people, but I'd chalk that up to luck. We're told from very young childhood (thanks, Disney!) that one day the prince is going to come, and all we have to do in between is be beautiful and look after the dwarves. It'll just happen. I lived that way until last year.

What I believe now is that finding a good-quality relationship should be, for many of us, an intentional activity.

I spent far too much time attending to just my own affairs and assuming the romance would 'just happen'. Sometimes it did -- relationships and flings and crushes just happened from time to time -- aaannnd 100% of those events did not work out for the long term.

But more often than even that,nothing just happened. I've spent more time alone than I would have liked, because I thought if it didn't fall into my lap, it wouldn't be love.

I can't imagine living life in such a way that when I wanted a new job, I waited for someone to spontaneously offer me one, rather than putting out feelers, updating my resume, telling people I was looking, and conducting informational interviews. I can't imagine wanting to buy a house, but never calling a realtor or going to an open house. Why do we think finding a partner should be different? Romanticism (I submit). We think the Universe should bring us The One because that is what's Meant To Be.

I lost a lot of time to thinking that finding a lasting love would be so passive.

It's when you stop trying that the magic happens.

Cliche. Not true.

Or, what Miko said.

People sometimes say that, JanetLand. Can you expand?

I think what JanetLand says is true insofar as being needy or desperate (or perceived needy or desperate) is never attractive.

Like many men, I had more women come-on to me and stuff when I was married than I've ever had when I wasn't.

What I believe now is that finding a good-quality relationship should be, for many of us, an intentional activity.

A couple of friends and I were talking about all this stuff several years ago and I can't repeat what he said without making it seems completely mundane, but the gist was that there's no science to finding a compatible person and the only really effective way to do it is to just keep dating people until you do. It's a numbers game.

I walked away from that conversation certain that he was correct, and also kinda depressed about it. Because I'm never gonna do that. It's not how I'm built.

I've been subscribed to Match.com for four months now, and I've contacted exactly one woman. Four or five have contacted me. None but the most recent seemed compatible with me in the least.

On the other hand, the most recent was last night, and she's a 46 year-old Literature PhD and seems very interesting. And pretty attractive, too, although I'd rather date someone five years younger than five years older. But, hey, I'm just pleased to find someone that even seems to be compatible. Her expectations are diminished, too, in this sense. She wrote, "It's unusual to find someone on Match.com who reads." Reads. Just "reads", not "reads difficult books" or something.

I had come real close to giving up on good relationships when I first met Mrs.Tacos.

I was still trying, but it had become a running joke, where my friends would ask me about my new girlfriend. They'd ask for name, photo, description, how we met and why I'd break up with her in two months. And that was just for the ones who got past three dates.

I had stopped telling people about anything shorter than that, because I didn't really want to advertise how picky I was. Even with a three date filter, I racked up a shockingly large list.

I wasn't really trying to get a date when I met Mrs.Tacos, but I'd learned what I really cared about, and kept my eyes open for it. Sure nuff, I found it.

That being said, I don't think I would've succeeded if I hadn't found a way to find good in the bad dates.

"It's unusual to find someone on Match.com who reads." Reads. Just "reads", not "reads difficult books"

This is very true, and explains why I end up on so many one or two date excursions from match. I also agree with Miko on the concept of finding quality relationships being the result of intentional activity. I just don't get were people find the time and energy to make the search. In the last 8 years or so, I've put so much energy and effort into just surviving that there doesn't seem to be much left over.

What kmellis said

Maybe this would be more constructive:

Spill your tips on getting dates, punch.

(Oh, yes, I know - if I haven't been shot down a couple of times in the last week I'm not trying hard enough. Well, or not trying at all...)

what porpoise said

What pie said.

Taking a dating break is fine -- the whole dating thing can get exhausting and demoralizing. Set yourself a shortish time (a few months? six?) to reinvigorate.

Having said that, exactly this time last year, I was precisely one date away from taking my own break -- on the way out of my office to meet my date that night, I said to a coworker, "if there's no spark with this guy, I'm seriously done with the whole dating racket till after the holidays." Literally 15 minutes later, he and I were having a blast straight out of the gate. Within a few hours, we both agreed that it was probably the best first date of our lives. We've had a pretty darn happy year together ever since.

But methinks much of it is just good old-fashioned timing and luck, really. Had scodyboy and I met at a different point in our lives, we probably would have hit it off as friends but not as a couple. I think we just happened to catch each other at exactly the right time.

Also, it did take going through a bunch of mediocre dates before (I must admit that only very few of them were outright bad dates) in order to really pick up on some of the factors that made this date so good.

I dunno porpoise. Usually I just ask people. Like out to coffee or something. These have almost all been people I somewhat know. After doing this a lot I'm at a point where the thought of rejection no longer fazes me too much (except in rare complicated cases), but now I'm starting to feel like not doing it because of fatigue. But you guys are right, I probably shouldn't give up. I just am not going to make this my biggest priority for a while.

It's when you stop trying that the magic happens.

Whoops, sorry for not coming back sooner and expounding. I actually was sarcastically quoting what is indeed a cliche, but I rattled it off too fast with no context to make that clear. It needed little flowers and bunnies and fairies and stuff, I guess. Doh!

Singlehood can become all too comfortable and self-indulgent, preventing some good personal development and maturation.

I have to disagree with this-- I don't think singlehood leads necessarily to self-indulgence, and certainly don't believe that it prevents maturation or personal development-- my close friendships provide feedback, challenge, and other kinds of learning/growth and I believe that all of this gives me multiple opportunities to change and develop and be challenged and be human and make mistakes and forgive and be forgiven (not to mention being part of a family, a daughter of an aging mother, the sister of a deadbeat brother, the aunt of two wildly troubled nieces [don't get me started] and being a mother and even sort of a mother-in-law to my son's awesome girlfriend). As for self-indulgence: after a number of years in an unhappy marriage, and 11 years of single motherhood, I figure I'm overdue for some self-indulgence, actually. And I revolt at the idea of being in a couple just out of fear of being alone, or for wanting to fit into a social ideal (not that you meant that or intended to convey that idea Miko, I'm just following my own thoughts here). I may likely be single for the rest of my life; it's not an impossibility, as I'm pushing 50 and at this point my bar for anyone I might potentially get involved with is very high-- I'd happily rather be on my own than add to my already mixed track record with relationships, and I'd much rather live alone than go through another excruciating breakup-- so I'd have to meet somebody who I felt I could not live without, and who felt the same way about me, before I ventured that way again. The likelihood of this happening, realistically, is lowish. But I'm okay with that.

Still, I don't want to die alone and be found by the UPS man 6 days later, after the cats have eaten my face. So we date.

(I forget who here said the thing about the cats, but I stole it and use it all the time now, because it perfectly expresses my horror of a solitary old age and meaningless death).

But, you know, we all die solitary deaths, and we all end up alone. I don't mean to sound bitter or angry about this-- it's the human condition. Most of my mother's friends, who are now in their 70s, are widowed, or divorced in their middle age and never remarried. Very few of them live with husbands or partners, and I have to say that none of them seem to be suffering because of it. I do have a fallback plan with my oldest friend-- if we end up growing old in the same city, we'll get a house and set up rocking chairs on the porch, and that seems good enough to me. My personal horror is the thought of ending up dribbling on myself in a facility somewhere, struck stupid with senility. I'd rather be pushed off a cliff, thank you.

Anyway, these are the musings of the middle-aged, and bear little relevance for someone in their twenties, so OP, please disregard if you wish. I found a comment of Alan Ball's (Six Feet Under) strangely comforting: he said "We all lose everything, eventually." I won't go into why I found that such a comfort, but there it is.

I suppose I should do some "work" today.