aaargh! How long ago was their relationship?

And how long was their relationship? And how old are the two of you? Not to be condescending, but strategies vary per age.

thump your chest and growl

also do you have antlers? because youre really gonna want antlers or horns or something for this

Oy, they say if they're "confused" that's not a good sign and I think I agree. I don't want to stress you further but I think you need to step back a bit and realize this is kinda a "her" thing she's going through and you might not be there at the end of it.

If you're ready to accept that you're pobably a lot more ready to have that honest discussion with her you need to have, about how you want her and so forth but you're letting her make up her own mind whether she wants to get back with him. That might just be the dose of reality about it that will make it look less attractive, whereas now it's sort of an excuse for rethinking all the misgivings she might have about you.

Anyway, tell her that you don't want to be with somebody who's "confused" or liaable to be, it isn't fair.

Well, we've been together for almost a year now, theirs ended a month (they were together for 4 yrs) or so before ours started., I'm 30yrs old, but this is pretty much my first real relationship that has had any promise....The problem is so far my decision has been to give her space (ie no drama) and let her make up her own mind, while being the super good guy, but i reckon i now need to actively get rid of the other guy. Maybe a bit sneakily, but i cant figure out how.

Antlers! why didnt i think of antlers?!!!

Bad situation. If you make any kind of fuss about this, it'll make you look mean & if you take a back seat it'll just give him further opportunity to muscle in on the action.

I'd tell her that when they started going out together, she felt something, and that's what she's feeling now but she shouldn't forget also why they broke up because that's going to come up again too.

Do one thing nice for her, tell her that you undestand things are hard for her at the moment, but tell her that you'd consider it a mark of your friendship if she continued to be honest with you. Then take a step back. Tell her you'll give her space so she can make her own decision.

Don't withhold the sex, because sex is the glue that binds, but keep everything else on the Q.T. Let her do the patching up and the chasing. Don't try that yourself. Flirt with her, but keep it fun.

I'm not sure if that's good advice or not. I await others answers with trepidation.

I have an advantage in that my nemesis is in Mexico right now, so there's that, but this is a battle that's being fought in her mind, so distance doesnt matter all that much.

THanks for all the responses so far, theyve been really helpful.

MetaChat: sex is the glue that binds

You know... gee. Wow. I'd really like to be able to say "keep being a nice guy - she's going to remember that you're the one who's been good to her, and that he's a jerk"... But I really can't. Because it doesn't usually happen that way.

As stilicho points out, that "confused" thing is in no way a good sign. It's almost code language for "I'm outta here". If you're thinking serious-and-long-term, you know what? You want to be somebody who wakes up every morning and thanks [god/entity of your choice] that she's with you. Someone so easily bewildered in the first year is never going to last the distance. You deserve a girl who's crystal clear, completely certain, and not even the tiniest bit confused.

I know that didn't really answer the question, but, hey - this isn't AskMe, so suck it haters!

a girl who's crystal clear, completely certain, and not even the tiniest bit confused

Heh, do those even exist? Yeah the confused thing is a really bad sign...My first reaction was to bail, but everything was going so well, till now, anyway.

Well, at least in terms of whom she loves, she shouldn't be puzzled. :) In that way, yes! They do exist! I may get confused about a lot of things, but I've never once been confounded by the question of whether I wanted to be with my husband (even before he was my husband) or maybe some other guy. I've been far too busy just being grateful for my amazing fortune in finding him.

Also, bad typo upstairs: You want to be somebody who wakes up every morning and thanks [god/entity of your choice] that she's with you should be "you want to be with somebody who...", though the other way is equally true, as well!

dhruva, it sounds like your strategy up until now is a good one. It is indeed her battle in her head. Just don't forget to look after what YOU want/deserve. Is she really the One?

I agree with taz on the code language of confusion. And if what you want is THE ONE, then yeah, it has no place there. I'd say keep your eyes open and see what happens over the next month or two. There are a lot of fish in the sea. :D

Letting her take you for granted is counterproductive in this situation. Just tell her calmly and without anger that you don't want to see her until she's made her mind up, and stick to it. She'll be much more interested in you when she sees that you value yourself and won't be walked over.

Move on. In my non-expert opinion, getting serious with you so soon after she left this other guy, and then being willing to consider going back to this other guy after a year...what's best for you is to move on.

Are you living together?

If not, I would get steel myself and quit making any effort to have contact with her . . .I know. .easier said than done.

But you deserve better than having her 'confused,' which, I agree, is code for she does not want to be there with you but does not know how to extricate herself from the sitch.

I feel for you. . .and I am sorry.

But you need to take care of yourself here. . .which means not being victimized by her 'confusion.'

She will find out soon enough that this other guy has not changed. . .people don't make fundamental changes like that. . .but then you'll hopefully be with someone who has both feet in the door. . .

Good luck.

Thanks y'all. I will now ponder over my fate.