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17 May 2006
True Identity Challenge Pick one topic:
Carrots
Birthdays
Cold Beverages
Write a short paragraph. Then we guess your true identity! I can think of two or three people I bet I can guess!
Carrots are orange, full of beta carotene and very phallic. Bugs Bunny is fond of them. They taste good boiled and grilled and with peas.
Birthdays
My Birthday is late in the year which has caused me no end of grief. I entered kindergarten midway through the year and something very important happened in those couple months and I never caught up. Plus my birthday is near Xmas so I always get gypped on presents.
Cold Beverages
I like cold beverages. Beer especially, but milk, Quik, and Dr. Pepper, too. Last night, along with some other stuff, my better half mixed Jack Daniels with that Coca-Cola Blak stuff for a cocktail that I dub the Jack Blak. But it wont jump around singing 'Walking On Sunshine.' Not yet anyway.
Let's see. I don't mind birthdays for the most part. As I get a little older though, I have asked my dear wife to make a bigger deal out of my birthday so I have something to look forward to, as opposed to just the slow march to the grave. This year, when my bithday came and went, my two lovely daughters relished in telling everyone my age.
Carrots: good for washing face and brushing teefs, in a pinch.
Birthdays: Mine is always hot-hot-hot. A few years ago there was a very impressive eclipse on my birthday, and we had a party on the balcony and drank cold beverages and watched the eclipse through a telescope with a special filter. That was hot.
Speaking of Cold Beverages: I'm having one right now!
Birthdays rule. I always celebrate my birthday with a big party with all my friends. This year's birthday was an age milestone (ends in "0") that gets a bad rap in our youth-obsessed culture, but I've been having an awesome year. (The crazy good sex with a brilliant and adorable young lover certainly helps make this one of my best years ever.)
Cooler that cool, ice ice, I walked in and shot the bartender a quick look that said, "Cold beverage. Now."
Jump-cut motions, all herky-jerky and plastic spastic he fumbled with the shaker. Shaken, stirred, and carotid like an artery he poured my drink into the butchest tumbler on the rack.
Averted eyes, "here you go" he said.
Cup to my lips, smell so sweet, oddly sweet, odd, I took a sip as the alarm went off in my olfactory system...spat the liquid spew out!
"This ain't no dingle! This is carrot juice!" I hollered.
Reached into my tattered tan Members Only jacket and drew my .38 revolver. Took aim at the tender 'tender.
"Please, it's my birthday" he said.
"It's mine, too." I replied.
Smiled. Pulled the trigger.
The bartender fell back and clutched his super-soaked shirt.
Don't ever put a flask of whiskey in the freezer, but if you do, call me before it gets warm enough to drink and we'll steal a donkey and ride down to the farmers market to haggle for carrots. I did this last year for my birthday, it was a toothchipper. En Botella Guey!
Birthdays are a time when you celebrate life, particularly the life of someone you care about. It is a good time to do something fun and carefree like going to see a movie or going fishing. I reccomend the latest Scary Movie if you take the first route.
I was out on the Ave, man, and this motherfucker looked at me wrong, so I pulled out my motherfuckin' carrot, and I shoved it up his ass!
Check this: we all got birthdays, but my birthday, man, that's the one to look out for. Why? Because I got followers, see, so if you wanna fuck with me, take my shit out, my followers will make my birthday a national holiday, got me?
You think you can pop one on this train, Jack? Just open that motherfuckin' can, go ahead. The second you put that motherfucker to your lips, It's mine. You got some beef, the mean man took my cold beverage? Fuck you, I own you. I'll take your lip next time, motherfucker. Shut up.
The only cold beverage I drink is water. And about the carrots - they're very good juiced. I like carrot juice. So I guess I lied about drinking only water, because I drink carrot juice too. So I'm a water drinker, a carrot juice drinker, and a liar. And no one will guess who I am.
I am an unladen swallow - are you danostuporstar?
More about me - I got my first mf shoutout after I threw a temper tantrum about never getting any shoutouts. I also got a shoutout on a PDA and one one of those thingamabobs where you write with a plastic stick on a waxy pad that's covered with a sheet of plastic, and when you pull up the plastic the writing disappears- I can't remember what they're called but I asked an AskMe question about them.
Oh crap the usernames changed. I just posted asking if I am an unladed swallow is danostuporstar. I'm asking the person who posted about his daughters teasing him about his age. Could be yhbc too, I guess. Or dg.
Birthdays inspire in me neither a feeling of dread nor of excitement - not even the last one, on which I entered my 31st year. I am inclined to forget about them, but I will never forget my 18th birthday when both my mother and my boyfriend forgot my birthday and the first person to wish me a happy birthday was my chemistry lab partner at university.
And just to be completely obvious: the last birthday in my life was celebrated by eating fuckloads of steak.
When I graduated from MSU I thought that I would get a job in the field that I had studied in. Boy was I wrong. I had my 27th birthday not too long ago. You all wished me a good one. Thanks for that.
Last time I had a birthday, I thought "Ok, I'm gonna write a paragraph in such a way that people will think someone else is writing it", so I was all, "New music sucks and stupid things are totally smart and cheap beer is the best thing you will ever consume", and then I was like "Whuffles! Shouting thread!!!" and then I was all "I'm moving to a chicken ranch y'all". And everyone was totally tricked! YES!
[Carrots: good for washing face and brushing teefs, in a pinch.]
Specklet or ThePinkSuperhero?
Nope, though my breasts have had fans (now just one, big, electric fan), and I can lead a kickass(-ish) cheer if the head cheerleader is out of pocket. Wino will definitely figure me out from that post.
I am the author of "I am MetaChat," and I feel you need some more clues:
I am not Capn, though he makes me laugh.
I am not Lipstick Thespian or essexjan, but I admire their bravery.
I am not jonmc, even though I've also lived in Astoria.
I am not black8, but I dig his motorcycle.
I am not matildaben or omiewise, despite some overlap in musical taste.
I am not Hugh Janus or Divine Wino, but being mistaken for them is a compliment in my book.
I am not mygothlaundry and jrossi4r, though I wish I could be that cool of a mom.
I am not me3dia, but I have lived in Chicago.
I am not Shane or Wolfdaddy, who I count among the sweetest.
I am not Mrs. Pants, even though I love to draw.
I am not taz, even though she's an inspiration.
I am not a lot of you despite the joy you bring.
I am someone who was born on the west coast, and I must not have had enough carrot juice to drink as a kid because I have glasses now. I like a cold beverage every once and a while, but in general I prefer to play it safe.
Well, it's about time! Actually, I think it's a good thing that my style is fluid enough to fool folks at a casual glance. That way I can be the under the radar, radar.
Birthdays have a long and noble tradition, dating back to Jesus Christ. Before the birth of Jesus, birthdays weren't really celebrated, as there was no real way of keeping track of time. BC was created as a reaction to AD, in an attempt to piece together things that had happened before Christ's birth; which explains why BC dates are often inaccurate and spotty.
But with the birth of Jesus, the opportunity for at least two celebrations (and all the trappings surrounding them) was seized upon by an intelligent businessman; Jesus' older cousin, Chalmach. And so Christmas was created to celebrate Jesus' birth by his followers, but so also did individual Isrealites (and later Romans, then the larger world) also start to celebrate their own birthdays (particularly children's, as rumours surrounding the young Jesus raised every parent's hopes that their child would be the true Messiah). Jesus' rising fame led his birthday to be special, and celebrated by all his followers in addition to their own birthdays.
Chalmach was delighted, because he started the first (and largest) party planning business in all of Judea. As not everyone could afford a full gala (such as they were at the time), he concocted a brilliant, if somewhat counterintuitive, scheme to extract revenue from poorer Isrealites. It was Chalmach who first initiated the practice of exchanging small stone and wax diptychs with messages in them. The messages were at first personalized, but as demand skyrocketed Chalmach began the use of stamps to impress them with more generic sayings.
One of Chalmach's then-apprentices (and later, partner and successor), a Roman named Felix Cartus (known to some as Cartus Felicites) incorporated a stiffer, sturdier version of Egyptian papyrus technology, allowing the inception of lighter, cheaper messages, as well as scrolls, but those proved less popular. The diptych (and now, thanks to the lighter papyrus, sometimes triptych) style is thought to have prevailed over the scroll due to its similarity to the more expensive (and therefore posh) stone versions; which were now paradoxically less popular, though still sold. The stone greetings were initially only less popular relative to the surge in affordable papyrus messages (sold now Cartus-Chalmachus), until such time as they were so widespread as to be socially acceptible for all classes; whereupon the stone-and-wax versions faded into history. Cartus' involvement in the business, as a Roman himself, legitimized the enterprise in the eyes of many Romans, helping to speed their adoption of the custom. This would later prove profitable, when the Roman Empire converted to Christianity; as now Chalmach's business could sell both Christmas and birthday carta to the entirety of the Empire.
Oddly, most of my favorite beverages are at least somewhat palatable at a wide range of temperatures. Tea, for example, is a good time whether iced or hot. Icy-cold water's often the most refreshing, but chilly water is okay, and I've been led to believe that body-temperature water is absorbed more quickly, y'know, when you're dehydrated or suffering from a dry mouth or whatnot. And then there's beer. While some of 'em are only drinkable when very, very cold, many of the tastier beers are best enjoyed at a somewhat warmer temperature, like they're wine or something.
chew the carrot until it becomes an astringent paste, spit it out onto the palm of your hand and mix thoroughly with a little honey (a humectant!) and some oatmeal powder, then throw that all away and use the glass of water that the carrot sticks were in!
I don't really celebrate my birthdays anymore. Turning 21 was the last time I actually went out and did something; my coworkers took me out at noon, and eight full hours of drinking later, I was blind drunk and still drinking with friends and enemies at the divey-est dive bar this town has ever seen. It gave me a miserable hangover, and I didn't get to make out with anyone, but it was pretty fun, I suppose.
My next birthday will be a milestone birthday, and I have no idea how to properly mark that. I'm not really into parties anymore, as I've hit my retirement age, but maybe I'll spend it with a six pack and a sunset on a hill somewhere.
Well good on ya, the synchronicity comment was from me (iconomy), but the original one (your band sucks) wasn't from any mod, and even mods can't change usernames. So it really was synchronicity! I swear.
No, but you can edit (and therefore delete) comments, so you must be a mod. Careful inspection revealed your identity to me, though I had my guess (which, as usual, is right).
Oh shame, shame, long drawn out and burnt head shame.
I'll lay my writing down amongst the rabbit's feet,
Will draw my name across the oceans of this hidden world,
And end it all with nothing being said
No spoken language in my, shame, shame,
oh burnt and blackened pain. Your guess will
revoke, regain, explain, ingrain.
Just keep it plain.
Just keep it plain
Just keep it plain
No, but you can edit (and therefore delete) comments, so you must be a mod. Careful inspection revealed your identity to me, though I had my guess (which, as usual, is right).
I would never edit a comment. I've deleted comments because of doubles, commenter request, and twice because someone registered here just to attack someone else, but I would never edit anyone's comment. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, smarty pants mcgee! Will you just believe that it was goddamn SYNCHRONICITY already!!!
Carrots: I like them pretty much anyway, I do, unless they include cilantro. Because cilantro is really, really gross. See, the thing with cilantro is that all you people are perfectly entitled to eat it. I have no problem with that. But, you know, it would be considerate of the rest of us to at least list it as an ingredient on restaurant menus, because a lot of people hate it. I mean, if black licorice were an ingredient in some restaurant entree, don't you think the would mention that on the menu? Think of the uproar that would occur if they didn't. Lots of people who hate black licorice would stay away from a certain dish if they knew it contained it, and lots of us cilantro-averse folks would like the same consideration. That's all we ask for, consideration.
Birthdays? I'm opposed to them. They remind me that I've accomplished very little in my life, but for several decent crops of tomatoes and a legion fandom on a certain bunny-related website.
Beverages? Any will do, but my favorite is beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, I love beer.
Will you just believe that it was goddamn SYNCHRONICITY already!!!
No, because I firmly believe that synchronicity is something inexpressible. Unless you're Sting, and therefore godlike (in your own humble imagination).
No one is editing the comments. Sweet buttery Jesus. See, sometimes, a comment and a user name will riff off of each other by PURE ACCIDENT! Damn. Are you a Taurus by any chance?
You're draining my will to live. You are making the baby Jesus cry.
Oh, ico ico. I'm not saying you're editing the comments! I'm just saying you have the power to. Which is how I knew you had to be a mod, because only mods can delete comments. This is totally unrelated to the birthday nonsense.
Carrots are fun to eat, but a royal pain in the ass to grow. I planted some over the weekend. Then today I realized that, despite my best efforts, the soil is too rocky for succesful carrot growth. So I planted watermelon and canteloupe instead. But the carrot seeds are still in there, so I could end up with carreloupes and watermelots.
I like what carrots say about culture. First, they're a wild plant food -- related to Queen Anne's lace -- that people adopted and cultivated. The original carrots were white in color, like parsnips. Once they became orange -- through cultivation -- you'd think they had been perfected. But no. People couldn't leave the carrot alone. Cut it in chunks or in coins, cut it into sticks for the lunchbox. But don't stop there! Put it through a matchstick-maker, so I can buy a pre-matchsticked bag to mix into my salad. Whittle them down into so-called "baby" carrots, to dip in hummus. Even make them into waffle chips. They are a sturdy product, able to take whatever form we want to give their sweet, woody crunch.
Birthdays
My birthday is in summer. As a child, this was sad, because I never got to bring cupcakes to school. Half-birthdays hadn't been invented yet. But then I started working at summer camps, and always got a nice sheet cake and a bunch of grubby gimp lanyards and such. Since adulthood, birthdays vary. Some years, they're wonderful celebrations. In other years, they go by without much festivity.
Cold Beverages
Like the hero of Mosquito Coast, I believe that Ice Is Civilization. There are never fewer than 5 full ice trays in my freezer. No cold beverage is truly expressing its true virtue unless its glass is covered outside with condensation. The most superior cold beverage is, of course, Coca-Cola. Any doubt I had about this evaporated during my recent trip to the tropics. When the day was at its hottest and we were suffering, it was not beer I wanted, not a margarita. The epitome of refreshingness was nothing but Coke. But cold beverages are one of the greatest joys of modern life, and should be properly appreciated. The pantheon: Iced tea, real brewed, sweet or unsweet. The margarita, with salt. The mojito. The G & T. The Dr. Pepper. The seltzer and cranberry. The IPA or brown ale. The genuine thing: pure clear ice water, sweetest thing on earth.