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09 May 2006

AskMeCha: Claiming stories My ex is being a fucktard again. Wanna hear the latest?→[More:]

So there's this great story about what happened at an anime con two years ago when this very repressed nerd-otaku (and I don't use that term lightly) was walloped with a huge pink dildo at a late-night adults-only panel. My ex was there, I was on the panel, and my co-panelist was the one who did the walloping.

In an LJ post to a mutual friend of ours, he said something like, "Wait till you hear the story about the pink dildo!" and I replied to his comment, saying, "My story to tell, not yours, sweets."

He just called me on my work phone (the main program we use to do our work crashed again) to ask why I am insisting on playing a one-upsmanship game with him amongst our friends. I don't think I am, because first of all, he sucks at telling good stories and second, since I was closer to the action than he was, I should be the one who gets to tell the story, right? [more]

post by: TrishaLynn at: 10:48 | 34 comments

Yeah, it's gotten to the point of where he's fighting with me about things like this. I know I should be the better "man," but it's when he complains about shit like this that I want to lord over him how much better I am than him in almost every other way.

So I'm wondering if you could be the angels/devils of my better conscience. Should I be the "better woman" or should I employ a "scorched earth" policy?

Also, does anyone in the NYC-area know of where I'd be able to find a roomie or sublet sitch for about $500 to $700 a month, including utilites and high-speed Internet? Once Anime NEXT is over, I'm going to do my apartment hunting full-time.

posted by TrishaLynn 09 May | 10:48

should I employ a "scorched earth" policy?

(I should mention that I am acquainted with both parties involved, and that the two of them involved in a War Of The Roses scenario, would (owing to their volatile personalities and comic book fandom)be both terrifying and utterly hilarious.

posted by jonmc 09 May | 10:53

Why do you even care? I'm not being mean, I'm asking. Do you think your mutual friend will be all "wow, that was a great story, I certianly thing more of TrishaLynn's ex and less of TrishaLynn now" or is this just another scrap of psychological territory that you're going to fight over because that's what you do?

Breathe in, breathe out, let go.

posted by Capn 09 May | 11:03

Hmmm, I dunno, I think you should have let him tell the story. It's just a story.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 09 May | 11:04

Hmmm. I vote for ignoring him and letting tell whatever stories he wants -- you can get custody of lots of things, but speech, that's too hard. Ignoring him also means ignoring all his dumb complaints. I have a feeling he interpreted your use of the word "sweets" in that context as a challenge, even though you probably didn't mean it that way. So just don't even engage with him. I've been through it with both ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands, and even though I get so angry that it seems like it would be fun and fulfilling to "scorch the earth," it actually never works out that way. You're better off just pretending the fucktard is not there.

(although jonmc makes a good case there on preview)

posted by JanetLand 09 May | 11:04

He was there, he witnessed it, he's entitled to give his account of it.

It might not be as good an account as yours, but he's certainly allowed to tell what he saw.

posted by essexjan 09 May | 11:04

Sorry to have to disagree with you, but if both of you were there, it's both of your story to tell. Doesn't matter if you're the better storyteller or were closer to the action, he still has rights to the story. If he was going to tell a story about something he wasn't present for, it'd be different.

posted by me3dia 09 May | 11:06

(How big was the dildo, exactly?)

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 09 May | 11:08

Two years ago puts it well within public domain. Feel free to wallop me, of course.

posted by rainbaby 09 May | 11:08

The story is public domain. Ask yourself what you think you get out of it if you tell the story instead of him. Is it really worth it? Is there another way you can get that whatever-it-is without seeming petty?

posted by matildaben 09 May | 11:14

And it's probably made his day to know how much he can still push your buttons.

posted by essexjan 09 May | 11:14

"Breathe in, breathe out, let go."

Second that.

posted by arse_hat 09 May | 11:15

JanetLand: It's really hard to pretend he's not there because I live with him (because I don't make a lot of money) and I also work with him (I helped him get this job).

Capn: I don't know... I guess when I first wrote the reply, I thought he was trying to take credit for being the one who did the walloping like it was a cool thing he did, but he didn't actually do anything.

Not like I did "the cool thing" either, but since I was standing right next to her when she did it, I'm a more credible witness than he is.

I think that because we can't fight about space outside the Internet (I see him for a minimum of at least 2 hours almost every single day), we tend to fight about space inside of it. I already know the mutual friend in question thinks he's a fucktard (she told me so in IM) so I'm not too concerned about "winning" her friendship.

TPS: A good 12" long, and it was hot pink. We call it "Pinky" and use it in our safe-sex panel to do condom demonstrations.

essexjan, me3dia: Yeah, I guess you're right. But I'm this close to a breaking point in dealing with him again. Things were going along okay until this thing reared its head.

posted by TrishaLynn 09 May | 11:16

Why is your ex being a fucktard for wanting to tell a story that he witnessed? I don't think proximity dictates who gets to own the story.

Just let it go.

posted by gaspode 09 May | 11:17

Wow TrishaLynn, I didn't realize you lived with him -- that does make it rough. Maybe you can cultivate some kind of zen state where you really don't notice he's even there or something.

posted by JanetLand 09 May | 11:20

Also, because he tends to not drag personal things onto the Internet, he never looks good in these sorts of situations because he can't and won't "fight" back. Which is a damn fine policy to have, but I'm just not wired that way.

JanetLand (again!): I tried that once, and then he got whiny because I was ignoring him.

posted by TrishaLynn 09 May | 11:22

You are planning to move out soon, right? I mean, there has to be another room in another apartment in the same price range somewhere in the city.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 09 May | 11:23

gaspode: I mostly think he's being a fucktard for calling me at work while we're both supposed to be working to call me on this. But also take a look at my reply to the Capn above.

TPS: Once Anime NEXT is over, I'm apartment hunting. The lease on the current apartment is up at the end of September. That should be plenty of time, right?

posted by TrishaLynn 09 May | 11:25

Does it matter if he gets whiny, TrishaLynn? Can you just ignore the whine as well? It doesn't really sound like you want him in your life -- it surely won't matter too much to burn this bridge (apart from teh whole apartment thing)

posted by gaspode 09 May | 11:26

Pinky to the people!

posted by danostuporstar 09 May | 11:30

You reap what you sow. If you can't rise above, and you get down in the mud with him, you'll get dirt in your mouth.

posted by matildaben 09 May | 11:30

Short-sheeting his bed is clearly the only option.

posted by JanetLand 09 May | 11:32

Short-sheeting his bed is clearly the only option.

Not so! There's also the hand-in-a-bowl-of-hot-water-while-sleeping gambit to consider.

posted by Capn 09 May | 11:40

Ack! How could I have forgotten. Thank you Capn!

posted by JanetLand 09 May | 11:43

Filling his pillow with pudding works as well. Why not combine all three for a bedtime fiasco revenge trifecta?

posted by jonmc 09 May | 11:50

It seems that if you haven't felt this story was important enough to you to tell online in the last two YEARS since it happened, you can't lay any claim to it.

But it's amazing how people can get under your skin with the littlest things.

posted by occhiblu 09 May | 11:59

Living well is the best revenge. . .

As hard as it is, in the short term, you need to take the high road. It will shorten the time you two are enmeshed and let you both get on with your lives.

posted by danf 09 May | 12:00

The two of you are fighting over custody of a two year old. A two year old anecdote.

Breathe.

posted by sarah connor 09 May | 12:15

I think you'll be healthier for trying harder to let things go.

btw, I know someone in exactly your living-with-an-ex situation, it is tough.

posted by stilicho 09 May | 12:30

Sounds to me like if there really is a war goin' on, you've already won it.

Don't sweat it. It's nothing.
Engage in all things fun...be happy, be sexy, be drunk...be YOU!

posted by Joe Famous 09 May | 12:45

To all y'all: Thanks for helping me to see reason. I knew I stuck around here for a reason.

I'll apologize for being short with him, and will just not respond to any of his comments anywhere, anymore. As gaspode said, should I care if I'm ignoring him and he gets whiny about it? No. I'll be civil when we're having communal TV watching in the living room, but that'll be as far as it goes from now on.

posted by TrishaLynn 09 May | 13:09

bedtime fiasco revenge trifecta would be a good band name. Hope this helps.

posted by Hellbient 09 May | 13:15

I'll be civil when we're having communal TV watching in the living room, but that'll be as far as it goes from now on.

No, be civil at all times. Be accommodating only when it serves your purposes.

posted by me3dia 09 May | 13:29

I add to the chorus of "breathe, let go". As hard as it may be to admit, you may just be in the wrong here.

I have been in more or less the same situation with regard to living with the ex - all you can really do if things are ugly is pretend they don't exist and go about your life as normally as possible. When your paths intersect, always be civil - but you don't need to be any more civil that you would to any stranger. The only thing that getting upset will acomplish is getting you upset.

posted by dg 09 May | 17:17

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