I'd teach the 10-year-old jonmc to read female signals about sex.

I'd tell the 20-year-old jonmc that no matter what he does things are gonna come out weird so just hang loose and don't worry.

10 year old: "It's not your fault"
15 year old: "You're going to be in a bad spot soon, and you'll be asked to do certain things for money. You'll be better off if you don't do them"
20 year old: "In a few years you'll meet a girl in a bar. She will dazzle you with her intelligence, and demand that you walk her home. DO NOT GO"

10: The next 10 years are going to suck eggs but you are going to get out of here and things will get a hell of a lot better.

15: You're not ugly. In fact, you're pretty damn cute. Also, don't drop calculus.

20: You'll still be telling people you went to this Husker Du show, 20 years from now. Also, when you get a chance to see the Pixies in San Francisco in a couple of years, don't bag out on it - go!

10: Math isn't hard.
15: You're Beautiful.
20: You're so very very beautiful.

(I wish I knew what I had before my body jumped the shark. I can do math now, though.)

10: You don't need to wait before you can start doing things, you don't need anyone's permission and there's no magic corner you're going to turn.

15: You don't need to wait before you can start doing things, you don't need anyone's permission and there's no magic corner you're going to turn.

20: You don't need to wait before you can start doing things, you don't need anyone's permission and there's no magic corner you're going to turn.

30: You don't need to wait before you can start doing things, you don't need anyone's permission and there's no magic corner you're going to turn.

10: It's true you have some emotional problems that no one is helping you out with, but you are also on your way to being an asshole.

15: see I told you, now you're being an asshole.

20: Stick with the Russian, try to buckle down on the math. A theater degree is pointless if you aren't really that passionate about theater, and you're not. You just kind of like acting.

10 year-old: "Hey little man, let me tell you something very importa-"
*head asplodes*

15 year-old: "Sure, I'll buy you some beer. Milwakee's Best?! No no, leave it to me."

20 year-old: You don't need to wait before you can start doing things, you don't need anyone's permission and there's no magic corner you're going to turn. (thanks Capn)

10: "I'll be back in 5 years, listen to me then."

15: "The music is fine, but you're not actually a punk rocker, do not quit playing basketball, baseball or hockey. Mom and Dad are great, but don't let their ignorance about college keep you from exploring your options."

20: "Get a life, bro"

10: You can't fly.

15: You still can't fly.

20: Okay, you can fly.

10: Tell someone. They'll make it stop. Don't hate yourself.

15: Stop harming yourself. The oblivion you get from drinking stops you from feeling anything good too. Don't hate yourself so much.

20: You don't have to fuck that guy just because he offered to buy you a drink. Don't hate yourself too much.

10: The asthma isn't your fault, and you aren't crazy, no matter what that asshole doctor, who thought that you wouldn't understand the meaning of "psychosomatic", told your mother. Did I mention he was an asshole? And also wrong?

15: You will eventually learn to ride the tiger of your emotions, but it's going to take a lot of practice. In the meantime: do not think you're going to find the love you want in any of the boys you are sleeping with. This goes for the next 10 years, too.

20: LEAVE. HIM. And get your ass back to school.

Oh wait, I actually did that part.

10: What they did to you is NOT YOUR FAULT. Those names you're called? Not true - don't listen to them. They feel that way about themselves and are trying to bring you down to their level. Tell someone - what's happening is not right.

15: What they did to you is NOT YOUR FAULT. That junk food? You don't need it - you're better than that. Stop reading in class and learn. Go for the harder classes - YOU ARE SMART. Quit choir - take art classes. Don't quit high school with one credit to go. Finish the damned class with a passing grade and if you can't do that, take the damned GED.

20: What they did to you is NOT YOUR FAULT. Start learning about computers - NOW. Take some college courses - it doesn't matter what as long as it interests you. Quit being so fucking shy and ask for those well deserved promotions. The sooner you make more money the sooner you can leave home.

10: Don't believe all the people who say you will never amount to anything.
15: Don't believe all the people who say you will never amount to anything.
20: Don't believe all the people who say you will never amount to anything.
Ah, fuck it, they wre right.

10: First of all, ignore now. Now is just now. It's not going to be like this forever, and you'll find there will be much better people and better environments for you down the line. People think everything is easy for you, even though it's not, so you may have to accept that you're not going to get offered much help. There are wonderful things ahead of you, and anything you want is possible, but you'll have to get into the driver's seat. No one else can blaze this path.

15: You're young,smart, and cute. Let the angst thing go and enjoy life and youth. Don't be afraid. Don't be ashamed. Don't be down on yourself. Embrace your originality, and don't let fear of rejection or fear of the unknown hold you back. Even though the adults in your life have very specific expectations of you, you are actually under no obligation to follow through on them. You should do exactly what you're passionate about doing, even if you don't quite know how to start.

20: For God's sake, now is not the time to be serious. Never again will you have as many options and possibilities in your wide-open life as you do now. Let this decade be one of exploration and hard work and experimentation and boldness and great fun and random travel and wild loves. Take until you're thirty, and learn as much as you can about living, and about your field of interest. Go to graduate school while it's still easy-ish. Spend a lot of time on music. Take risks; it's going to be OK.

30: Dump the alcoholic, right now. You're wasting good time and about to waste a lot more. Find somebody decent and settle down.

10: See if there's any way you can go live with your aunt now. Get the hell out of here if at all possible. Take the dog; don't look back.

15: Just because you didn't listen to me at age 10 is no reason to go nuts now. The teachers have figured out that you're stoned all the time; watch your back. In three years? Take the modeling contract & don't move back to the States. Stay away from your family, away, away, away. Oh, and get a diaphragm and learn how to use it. The birth control pills are going to give you migraines; you don't need to wait 7 years to figure that out. Also, get back in the computer lab.

20: Yeah, you do need to figure out how to have a career and make a bunch of money. Get back in the computer lab. Forget being an artist. Forget being a writer and make. some. fucking. money. so you won't be freaking out in 20 years. Also, stop dating alcoholics but don't leave that artist guy; you'll regret it forever.

10. Everyone at school is as clueless as you are but they hide it better. .don't back down in front of bullies.

15. Susan Lapes really wants to go out with you but just said no because you asking flustered her too much . . .approach her again and just talk.

20. In a few years, there will be this stock called "microsoft." . . . .

What I learned from this thread: it should be standard practice for older women to tell teenage girls they are beautiful.