MetaChat - from the mouths of babes

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20 April 2006

from the mouths of babes →[More:]

Pulling some spring weeds out of one of my flower beds near the sidewalk, two girls that I would guess are 13-15 walk by talking to each other fast enough to make that Micro Machines guy envious.

I catch a few words as they are approaching but when they are about even with me, I hear bits and pieces of very very graphic sex talk.

And it just bothered me. They both looked like little kids to me. Not to mention the fact that there is a nearly thirty-year-old guy just a few feet from them and they seem completely oblivious to the fact which is just wrong for so many reasons.

All of the above tells me I am getting old. Ah, if I ever have kids I am going to be so so so so so overprotective.

"Honey, be still so the man can put the tracking chip in your neck."

post by: weretable and the undead chairs at: 13:31 | 37 comments

Ask Mefi: Can anyone suggest a good shotgun manufacturer? My daughter will be dating in about 11 or 12 years and I intend to be prepared.

Also, are there good detailed instructions anywhere on the web for installing a bedroom doorknob that locks from the outside? Thanks!

posted by mike9322 20 April | 13:34

dude, I was a 13 year old once, and me and my friends talked very dirty. None of us had actually done anything but we didn't let that stop us from sounding like little Tijuana pimps on a bender.

It was all the easy availablity of porn and sex manuals in my 70's childhood. I knew what 'fisting' was before I had been french-kissed. This had all kinds of weird side-effects I imagine.

posted by jonmc 20 April | 13:35

But I do sympathize with weretable and mike. I realized I was getting older when, at the mall, I passed a bare-midriffed buxom young lady and instead of thinking 'hot-cha-cha!' I thought 'Does your mom know you're wearing that?'

posted by jonmc 20 April | 13:36

Mossberg or Ithica. If you want to get fancy you could get a Benelli. My choice for defending the childhood of the 10 year old girl about to go to the big public middle school where they all have myspace pages and low self-esteem is gonna be a nice Benelli Montefeltro in 20 gauge. The first shell will be birdshot for the startling and dispersal of mouthbreathing teenage boys and then the rest will be gooseshot in case any of them think they're tough. Gooseshot works better than saltpetre and cold showers in terms of turning down the libido dial.

posted by Divine_Wino 20 April | 13:41

they seem completely oblivious to the fact which is just wrong for so many reasons.

Says the guy who refers to 13 year old girls as babes.

posted by danostuporstar 20 April | 13:41

On vacation I noticed several pre-teen girls with shirts that said "I'm with the band" and was curious if they knew where that phrase comes from.

posted by danostuporstar 20 April | 13:43

Pamela Des barres, dano, blowjobs for rockers and that.

posted by Divine_Wino 20 April | 13:45

Believe it or not, the girls are worse than the boys at that age. Not that boys don't yell PENIS out the window of the car and stuff, but good lord - the girls are forever calling my son up on the phone and collapsing in giggles and oh so casually walking by the house in large giggling groups and actually coming up to me in the car at crosswalks and saying, "Aren't you M's mom? He's so cuuuuute." and so on. Hussies, all of them. ;-) Meanwhile, 14 year old son is still just much more interested in D&D and fireworks and overthrowing the government than girls.

posted by mygothlaundry 20 April | 13:46

well, if it weren't for groupies, there'd be no rock and roll (or any othe rpopular music) since once you strip away all the double-talk, that's why dudes form bands in the first place. Unless they're just dorks.

posted by jonmc 20 April | 13:48

dano, don't make me break out Psalm!

posted by weretable and the undead chairs 20 April | 13:48

Oh lord, MGL. I remember being a teenage boy. And I can say pretty confidently that my kid is going to grow up a knockout. I am very, very worried.

Hell, I have male friends my own age that I won't let come over anymore after she gets boobs.

posted by mike9322 20 April | 13:49

mikey, you gotta use strategery here. All the biggest hosepail trashbucket girls in my high school had strict parents. They did it to rebel. You gotta act all hip, liberal dad, and she'll become like a little Flying Nun just to spite you. Easy.

posted by jonmc 20 April | 13:52

All I'm saying is, does it have a penis? Then it's going to need to start heading in the other direction quick, that's all I'm saying.

Unless it's a dog trotting around with a severed penis in its mouth, then it needs to head back to the set of whatever perpetually unfinished John Waters/Dario Argento film it wandered off from.

posted by Divine_Wino 20 April | 13:52

jon, you should write a book.

posted by mike9322 20 April | 13:55

jonmc actually has a point. I was the all liberal mom and my daughter was, if not quite a nun, certainly very able to take care of herself and very smart about such things. Whereas my parents were strict, and, well. . . . . . .

posted by mygothlaundry 20 April | 13:56

Ask Mefi: Can anyone suggest a good shotgun manufacturer? My daughter will be dating in about 11 or 12 years and I intend to be prepared.

My father (of three daughters) received several swords as gifts during his time of service in the Marine Corp (real, sharp ones). He kept them displayed in our study and always took time to show any boy that came to our house "his sword collection".

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 April | 13:56

And look how well I turned out! :-D

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 April | 13:57

so, lets get mike an open necked velvet shirt and some gold chains and a jacuzzi, and a dog-eared Joy Of Sex to leave around the house. A week or so of that and his daughter will be playing with Barbies and saying rosaries.

posted by jonmc 20 April | 13:58

I learned last night that clergy in Dijon, France during the 14th century made up some 20% of the brothel customers there. As a result, "reciting a psalm" came into use as a euphemism for gettin' it on. One monk was said to have "recited six psalms during the night, and two in the morning". Just an FYI.

posted by cmonkey 20 April | 13:59

My mom was very, very big on not having sex before marriage. Girls who went all the way were dirty pigs!

You can guess how well THAT turned out.

posted by jrossi4r 20 April | 14:02

And let us not forget:

"If there is grass on the field, Play Ball!"

posted by sarah connor 20 April | 14:05

jrossi, you dirty pig.

posted by mike9322 20 April | 14:07

jrossi4r, my mom was too. Side effect of immigrant catholicism. When I returned from college for vacation, it leaked that my sister had been sleeping with her (admittedly a major league loser) boyfriend, the house was like guadalcanal for a few weeks. My mom is something of an overbearing control freak under the best of circumstances and this did not help. So in many ways I was lucky that I didn't start romping in the meadow till college.

posted by jonmc 20 April | 14:07

My daughter came out as a lesbian at 14. Honest. . .

There is some relief in that, with chances of accidental pregnancy almost nil, and std's very reduced.

She has a GF now (she's 16 now). . .I do not think they are doin' it, but it would be fine with me if they are.

They are cute together.

posted by danf 20 April | 14:09

Boyfriend has a grown-up daughter who when she was a teenager insisted repeatedly to her parents that her career choice was to become a hooker.

posted by JanetLand 20 April | 14:10

To be perfectly honest I don't imagine that I can affect the behavior of my step daughter by anything other than being patient and truthful with her and hoping that she will trust me enough to come to me when she has problems. But I do want to pepper a couple teenage boys pretty good with some birdshot.

posted by Divine_Wino 20 April | 14:12

Keep it up, mike. You're turning me on.

When I was in college (and had long been rompin through the meadow), my mom found my birth control pills, didn't know what they were and accused my sister of being a drug addict. It wasn't until they threatened her with inpatient treatment that she narced me out.

On preview: Danf, Yay for parents who accept their kids the way they are!

posted by jrossi4r 20 April | 14:15

I love you guys.

Also, from my youth, I can attest: liberal, safe-sex talkin' mom + all girls school + intense dorkery = fairly celibate high-school years. College on the other hand . . . but it was always safe!

posted by dame 20 April | 14:17

When I was in junior high my friends and I talked very, very dirty. Come on, that's when a copy of Forever made the rounds during rehearsal for our school play, and we all knew that at certain times late at night the Playboy Channel (pre pay-per-view) would be unscrambled enough so we could watch. Thing is, most of us were the straightest of straight arrows and were still virgins when we graduated high school. Totally normal.

...that doesn't mean I don't sit here and think "THESE KIDS TODAY!" when I overhear kids in the mall talking like that. ; )

posted by sisterhavana 20 April | 14:18

I think now at 35, my mom has finally started to learn to accept me the way I am rather than try and mold me into the miniature Kennedy child (immigrant Catholic family, early 60's adolescence, that's my theory. she even married a dark haired Irishman, albeit one with far less werewithal) she seemed to have envisioned. When I told her that my post-layoff plans were to loaf around the house and hang out, she said 'you go right ahead.' So either she's stopped projecting her ambitions or she's written me off as the family fuckup. either way, cool.

on preview: havana, me and my freinds used to love watching scrambled porn. The only side effect is that a naked woman can only arouse me if I cross my eyes and nod my head really fast when I look at her.

posted by jonmc 20 April | 14:22

Forever

Whoa, environmental-ed camp flashbacks.

posted by danostuporstar 20 April | 14:23

On preview: Danf, Yay for parents who accept their kids the way they are!

Well it was always a stated option, I mean. . .in birds-bees talk. . .same sex, bisexuality, whatever, was always talked about on an equal basis.

Plus all the damn Indigo Girl concerts. . .

(They are going to the GF's prom sat. night. . .it's very sweet.)

On preview. . .I can only get aroused if my wife gets naked and then slowly uncovers herself, like a pic loading on dialup. . .

(jk)

posted by danf 20 April | 14:27

Dork until college. Made up for it later (with both sexes, in 2s and 3s and 4s).

posted by matildaben 20 April | 14:39

[applauds danf's utter coolness]

Um...I think I may still be a dork.

posted by chewatadistance 20 April | 16:12

Darn you, cmonkey, and your historical trivia factoids!

I have to write a paper for a class on ....Psalms....that certainly did not help!!!!

(my recommendation for one's teenage girls? An older protective brother-who knows all the other guys. Worked in my house incredibly well.)

posted by bunnyfire 20 April | 18:42

Ithaca Model 37 Featherlight Upland Gun.

Absolute joy to shoot; I knocked down 19 straight at trap with it one day.

posted by ikkyu2 20 April | 23:15

Wifey is what made the rounds my sixth grade year-- 79-80.

My first two weeks freshman year in college were spent rooming with a Catholic school educated cop's daughter who had a different guy in bed with her every night. I think the only reason why I was put with her was because she had asthma and I had said I wanted a non-smoking roommate; the disease didn 't stop her. I didn't feel comfortable coming right out and asking her to go to the guys' rooms, so I asked her not to have anyone in after 10, which she ignored--the center rooms had seperate doors for each side, with the closets acting as partitions, but we were in a corner room and I was on the door side. Later she contracted scabies and everyone thought it was the crabs--hee! She's also the reason why I consider the Rhode Island accent the worst of the 50 states--uneducated Long Island crossed with uneducated Massachusetts.

posted by brujita 21 April | 01:22

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