Snakes... on a plane.

"It's an ensemble picture about a modern-day salon -- whose habitues are unlikely to be wearing pants, and interact primarily by typing text at one another!"

A vampire on a WW2 German submarine.

Vampire on a German sub? Just go with Astronaut vs Caveman.

Or a vampire on a WW3 submarine...

How about a mummy that hijacks a modern nuclear sub and takes it back through time to the second Persian war?

Now you're talking!

The Rock would have to play Leonidas.

Since this is Hollywood, Xerxes I would be played by Collin Ferrel.

Er, minus the I from the sentence I deleted. Although I guess that is okay anyway.

In a genetics experiment gone awry, super-intelligent spiders escape from the lab and wreak havoc on NYC with newly-acquired detonation skills. A military deserter with a previously distinguished career and an off-broadway performer make an unlikely extermination team.

Possible actors could include Jean-Claude VanDamme, Nathan Lane, Natlaie Portman (as comely lab assistant), and a sidekick a la Short Round, of Temple of Doom fame.

Er, Natalie.

Military action in the Middle East destroys an ancient tomb, and an army of evil spirits is unleashed. The spirits can occupy any recently killed body, and they begin a relentless onslaught, seeking revenge on the American troops who disturbed their rest.

Yes, I want to see a military movie with undead.

So Chuck Norris steps into the kitchen to cook a five course meal, but things go terribly wrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Vin Diesel plays Frank Frank, a Navy seal who has just discovered that he's the previously unknown great great grandson of Ann Frank. His secret legacy includes a secret treasure map that leads to a secret vault in Switzerland where all the secret Nazi gold is hidden. Frank Frank makes his way to the loot, he muses on modern Jewish identity and the holocaust experience, only interrupted by ceaseless attacks from undead Nazi hell creatures. When he finally cracks open the secret vault 200 miles below Zurich, he finds the hoard guarded by the severed head of Adolph Hitler (Jack Black), now swollen to 10,000 times its original size and kept alive by a constant stream of baby blood (from babies of all nations and creeds, it will be pointed out). Frank Frank blows up the head, and uses the gold to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem, after a montage where he kills every one who has ever said the word "Hamas" without spitting. Then an angel (Tom Skerrit) comes down and reveals that Anne Frank's pregnancy was actually the result of immaculate conception and that Frank Frank is the messiah, because a few generations had to pass before it really took. A beam of pink light comes down and Frank Frank is magically transformed into a young man who looks just like Jesus (Josh Hartnett). Roll credits.

Do you want to pay me now, or should I tell you the plot of the sequel first? That has a part for Halle Berry as a naked Mossad agent who makes the ultimate sacrifice to save Frank Frank and David Icke from the Pope after he turns into a 12 foot tall blood drinking lizard.

My Mother the Car. The Movie.

With explosions.

super-intelligent spiders escape from the lab and wreak havoc on NYC with newly-acquired detonation skills.

I like that the spiders use means of destruction other than their own physical abilities. Perhaps a movie about super-intelligent giant ants that hire Mafia hitmen to do all their dirty work.

Nazis go back in time to the American Revolution.


Speed - in Space: US's first mission to Mars - boobytrapped

It's Brokeback Mountain meets Lethal Weapon, in space.

Steven Seagal is a quiet but mysterious caretaker for an elderly heiress in upstate Washington. One night her greenhouse full of prized orchids is broken into and being that she was in the greenhouse, the elderly lady who Seagal has deep respect for is brutally murdered. The quiet gardener's rage is unleashed and as he investigates the grisly killing, he finds himself deep in a secret society of ninjas. Throughout the movie bits of his past are revealed until ultimately at the end he is asked point-blank by the young asian-American rap artist that joins his quest for justice whether or not he used to be a CIA agent or Navy SEAL or something of the like. Seagal smiles and says "No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

At which point the asian fellow snaps Seagal's head clean off with a roundhouse kick. Watching in the shadows, Chuck Norris says "Not bad, but the head didn't fly very far. Heh heh."

Borrowing a page from Bill Hicks:

Kill yourself. Kill yourself right now. Go ahead, do it. You're a worthless scum-peddling parasite on the ass of society. Kill yourself. Do it now. Do us all the favor. Kill yourself.

Not to be the party pooper, but Vampires on Submarines has sort of been done.

The Suicide Club: A group of High school students plan zany ways of killing themselves. With hilarious and thought provoking consequences.

Feminista: Sally is a hardcore feminist with a placard, some dungerees and a bad attitude. When she meets handsome Republican senator Ron Goodsmith, she quickly realises the error of her ways. Just in time for the rapture. A light romantic comedy which shows us What Women Really Want.

And get this... it's made of people. People!

For years I've thought a fake-wedding movie would be awesome. Two close friends stage a fake wedding, and invite their family and friends. It's a weekend wedding, so over the course of the weekend there is lots of drunken confessing, hooking up, and last-night-of-freedom craziness. In the process, the bride and groom learn a lot about each other, their families (who, in moments of wedding-inspired openness, reveal long-held secrets and hard-won wisdom), and friends who have been carrying a torch for them for years... or whatever. In the end, it's revealed that the wedding isn't real, so they are free to pursue those long term crushes, and now they know their deep family secrets.

I just can't come up with a truly believable reason for staging a fake wedding.