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11 April 2006

Ask MeCha. How soon can I break up with my girlfriend?→[More:]We had been dating for a little over two months. Then she went on a trip to another continent for the last three weeks or so and didn't try to contact me. Over this time I realized that I was really looking for something else. She got back today.

Based on this thread I think it is clear that people don't appreciate essentially being lied to in order to avoid an untimely breakup. But is it an exception if she is jet-lagged and travel-weary?

To be honest I'd rather do it sooner, rather than later. One of my best friends said I should keep up appearances for at least a week. Which I think is absolutely nuts. But should I keep it up for a day (actually I won't have another chance to really talk for at least three more days) or just let her know that my feelings have changed as soon as I see her?

Thanks for your sage advice as usual, MetaChatters.

post by: punch at: 08:47 | 29 comments

Are you definite that this is going to have to be a breakup; that is, that there can be no open-ended discussion of the nature and direction of your relationship?

If you are absolutely certain that you're unwilling to pursue this no matter what, so be it. But if there has been anything good between you, might you want to describe what you're looking for from a girlfriend and simply see whether it's something she'd be willing to try?

It's a shame she didn't contact you, for sure, and obviously I don't know the situation, or what expectations you had established before this long trip. But travel is also weird and can feel like an entirely different dimension. I wouldn't completely ignore the lack of contact issue, but I know firsthand how the immediate demands and compelling present-moment experiences of travel can push aside thoughts of people back home, even when you love them.

posted by Miko 11 April | 09:01

You really should talk to her about this as soon as you can. And like Miko said, you don't necessarily need to say, "We're breaking up"- start with explaining that you were a little hurt that she didn't contact you for three weeks.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 11 April | 09:08

I guess I never expected her to contact me although it would have been nice. I only included that because it pointed out that she would have had very little expectation that things weren't totally okay with me. Although things were not going wonderfully the two weeks before she left either.

There's nothing in particular, I just came to realize that she is not the person I want (i.e. it's not just her behavior and our relationship) and that there is a missing spark in our relationship. I probably should have given it up earlier but I thought it was worth a try. It was worth a try, I think. But it's time to end it.

The only question, really, is today or later (and if then, how much later?). I want to do it today, and think that would be better for her. But since I also have a selfish desire to be free more quickly, I do not trust my judgment there very much. Therefore I am asking my bunny friends for their take on it.

posted by punch 11 April | 09:15

let her get a decent night's sleep, then, is my vote.

posted by Miko 11 April | 09:21

Do it today or tomorrow at the very latest. The sooner, the better. Do not keep up appearances. Trust me, she's going to sense something is wrong and it will just make things worse.

posted by sisterhavana 11 April | 09:29

Do it now. There's never a good time for breaking up with someone and if it were me I'd appreciate being told straight away.

Also, she can't be that into you if she hasn't even tried to contact you once during the time she's been away.

posted by sveskemus 11 April | 09:34

She was in some very remote areas of the third world, and left her phone at home. While it would have been possible for her to contact me, I'm not sure if it would have been easy.

posted by punch 11 April | 09:36

Never pretend. Dishonesty is disrespect. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out. You'll both be happy. Break up over a cup of coffee, not a martini (liquor makes it harder to do). Somewhere private is more respectful of both of your feelings.

Honesty is a sign of love and respect. If this relationship is headed for the memory bank, let it get there as a loving and respectful one.

Relax. Good luck, and you're probably both good people.

I hate giving advice, but I think it's good this time.

posted by Hugh Janus 11 April | 09:41

How about a post card, then? I mean come on.

Anyway that's beside the point. I think total honesty is the only way for you both to be able to walk away from this without getting your feelings hurt too much. If you tell her what you've told us you might even be able to keep her as a friend.

But you have to do it right away if you're going to have a n answer for "when did you realize this?" that is not very hurtful or a lie.

posted by sveskemus 11 April | 09:45

I once was with a guy who decided to break up with me, but before he could tell me my father died. So he strung me along for a couple of weeks. But I knew something was up but didn't know what. When I found out he was just putting it off because he felt sorry for me, I was rather pissed. Still am, come to think of it, even though it was years ago. It's better to do it now, punch.

posted by JanetLand 11 April | 10:14

Don't make it harder for yourself, or for her. Like JanetLand, she'll know something's up, and resent you for it the longer you put it off; meanwhile, you'll be tearing yourself up inside waiting to drop the bomb.

If you're sure it can't be salvaged, make a clean break. Read Hugh's answer again a few times. And good luck.

posted by Zozo 11 April | 10:35

If she asks why I couldn't have waited a little, I'll just tell her that it was on the advice of a guy named Hugh Janus.

posted by punch 11 April | 10:36

if you feel like she's too jet lagged and weary to talk to immediately, then just don't wait too long. With every ounce of will you can muster, try to avoid doing or saying anything dishonest while you're waiting, though. For instance, don't say "I love you," if you don't. Don't say "We should go do [x] on saturday," if you have no intention of doing anything with her on saturday, etc... If some situation comes up that would require you to either lie or break up with her, then just say "Listen, we need to talk," right then and there and as gently as possible explain to her how you're feeling and apologize.

I would like to say, however, that I don't see how a person takes being dumped any better when they're not jet lagged.

posted by shmegegge 11 April | 10:41

I don't see how a person takes being dumped any better when they're not jet lagged.

Here's why I think so. It won't feel any better, but at least if you're thinking clearly, you have a chance to express the ideas and say the things and ask the questions that will help you lay the thing to rest honestly and respectfully (as Hugh suggests). I wouldn't want to have to participate in a breakup conversation with a fuzzy, confused head. I'd want to be clear of mind.

So, I still vote for tomorrow, not today.

posted by Miko 11 April | 11:15

Yeah, I'd go with tomorrow if you can avoid her until then. If she prods, though, you gotta go with today.

posted by eamondaly 11 April | 12:04

With work and other commitments tomorrow is impossible. Yes, even into the evening. Things will also be difficult Thursday until late. And I think she would think something was up if I told her that I couldn't see her until Friday. I already told her I'd see her this evening and I don't have any good excuse not to. :/

posted by punch 11 April | 12:16

Hugs, man. Breaking up is rarely easy to do. Bummer.

Is this the gal from December?

posted by Frisbee Girl 11 April | 12:21

Well, tonight it is, then. Hope it's not too bad. Better luck next time.

posted by Miko 11 April | 12:28

I once took a little extra time in breaking up with someone, that's the thing they hated most about the whole deal. Hang in there.

On preview: good call, sorry you have to make it.

posted by safetyfork 11 April | 12:33

Another vote for tonight. Good luck.

posted by Specklet 11 April | 12:42

Frisbee Girl: No, actually, I think the gal from December and I weren't really compatible for dating, but we are still friends! And she got back together with her ex, although I think they're about to break up again.

Thanks again to everyone who has given me helpful advice.

posted by punch 11 April | 12:45

Speaking from experience, the sooner the better. So yeah, tonight. And if things weren't going well before she left, then she won't be that surprised.

posted by TrishaLynn 11 April | 13:42

Where's the fetal position?

posted by NucleophilicAttack 11 April | 13:55

Well, gotta wait on the fetal position 'til the deal is done.

posted by Miko 11 April | 14:34

Best of luck, punch. I was once in a similar position. My boyfriend of a year took off to Mexico for a month and while he was gone, I realized I didn't miss him. When he came back, we just kind of looked at each other and nodded in agreement. I don't think either of us even got the chance to say the words.

Let us know how it goes.

posted by jrossi4r 11 April | 15:14

Miko: ahh, so timing is important. Gotcha.

posted by NucleophilicAttack 11 April | 15:44

Well, it's done. She seemed a little stunned at first but not too surprised or upset. She said she did sense some of this before she left and started trying to protect herself emotionally, and now that she has had three weeks to herself she is mainly okay. She wants to be friends.

She also said she was glad I told her right away.

Thanks for all of your advice! You guys are great.

posted by punch 11 April | 15:59

Glad to hear that. Alghouth I didn't give any advice since it was a bit too touchy a subject. But *hugs*!

posted by keijo 11 April | 16:02

Officially curls up into a fetal position, commences thumb-sucking.

posted by NucleophilicAttack 11 April | 16:56

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