Because of some recent difficulties in my life (and some of you know what they are), I really need to make some major changes. I'm generally sluggishly slow to move on stuff like this, but when I do, I try to make it count. I've been really quiet about this because it's a story I don't want to tell 20 times. All apologies to the IRC folks for not mentioning it tonight. Like I told y'all about the other thing, I didn't want to turn the channel all serious.

So yeah, I'm about to turn my life upside-down.

Next week, I'm going to leave my home in California and pursue a new phase in my life. I met a woman two days ago who has offered me a job outside of Bowlegs, Oklahoma. I've accepted it. The job is with (heh) a small chicken ranch. The ranch apparently has a bit of a national reputation, but I haven't learned much about it yet other than it was recently named the top up-and-coming chicken farm in the US by Practical Poultry magazine. (As you might guess, that's a pretty big deal. They're all really excited about it.)

The job I've accepted is a little, uh, unusual, but I really believe in it. As you may or may not know, every "farmed" animal is fed a diet that is supposed to optimize their health and the production of whatever it is they're producing. One can't exactly ask a chicken how she feels, so it's necessary to examine their fecal matter for its constituents -- what's digested, what isn't. It's basically a matter of knowing what went in, learning what came out, and extrapolating how the "In" part needs to change.

Of course, I'm a liberal arts person. I have no background in hard science. Examining chicken manure is something I've developed into a bit of a hobby since getting Porkchop and Chickpea, though, so I do have at least a little bit of experience. (I know it sounds gross, but hey.... It's really, really interesting, and you get used to the smell.)

The ranch will offer me room and board in exchange for my services. The farm is totally organic and low-impact. Hot and Annie, the owners, are a little bit older than I am. They moved out there from San Jose a few years ago to "get back to the land." They built their own house out of rammed earth and sod, and have committed to making as small of an impact on the earth as possible. (This is probably the only thing that could have convinced me to move to Oklahoma which, as we all know, is only OK.) They have no electricity, and their water is gathered from a windmill-driven well.

One of the hen-management practices that has gotten Hot and Annie a lot of recognition is their concept of "sleep therapy" for the hens. All of their hens have been rescued from family farms, rehab centers, the SPCA, and the occasional "these chickens fell off the truck" incidents at large factory farms (which I officially hereby claim I know nothing about). Because of the traumatic backgrounds of 99% of the hens, they often have physical and even psychological disabilities. Hot and Annie have developed a technique known as "somno-gallus therapy" that has increased egg production and life expectancy in hens with anxiety-related disorders.

The practice of SGT was unknown to me until a couple days ago, but it makes perfect sense. What you need to know first is that chickens are, by nature, social creatures, and they often sleep in a huddled mass. (Porkchop and Chickpea sleep shoulder to shoulder.) The therapeutic practice of SGT uses human "stewards" to provide companionship, warmth, and electronic impulses to hens as they sleep. The stewards dress in specially designed, high-tech, feathered cowls (there’s that Silicone Valley influence!) and roost at night with the hens. Electrical impulses from the stewards’ cowls provide stimulation to a hen's nervous system that have been proven to increase the laying rate. The warmth and simple living presence provided by the stewards has also been shown to have beneficial effects on the hens’ lives.

It’s a really exciting new practice that is still being developed, and I'm really looking forward to learning more about it and being a part of it. (Mudpuppie in a chicken suit. Heh!) Where most farms cull a hen whose production rate drops, Hot and Annie have developed a practice that offers them compassionate encouragement and physical affection. I really love that.

It's going to be stupefyingly difficult for me to leave y'all and this Metachat lifestyle, because I love you lots. I've long felt the need for a less-spoiled, more ascetic life, though. I also feel a very strong need to contribute back to the chicken world all that my two hens have given me. Basically, it's time to move on and do something important.

Thanks for all you people have given me. I hope I have given you something in return. I hope that you can find it in your hearts to be good to chickens. I don't mean "don't eat them" (though that would be great!), just that you should support altruistic chicken ventures in your continuing efforts being the wonderful people you are.

This is a very sad and very exhilarating time for me. I'm sorta swinging from the chandelier here, and I apologize.

Thanks, y'all. I'll miss ya lots.

xoxo

Oh noes! We's be losin' our mudpuppies to chickens! Say it ain't so, mudpuppie! Nevertheless, it sounds like a great opportunity for you so best of luck with the whole move and whole new life direction. You'll be missed.

When are you leaving next week? Any chance to get you out here for a last-minute going away bash-like event?

And I'm *really* *really* hoping this is an April Fool's Day prank, but it's only just turned midnight here.

I really want this to be a prank but I fear it is not.

APRIL FOOLS!

OH.MY.GOD.CHICKENS!!

is it an egg or chickenshit?

remember: it always coulda been worse

compassionate encouragement and physical affection

Mudpuppie in a chicken suit

Yay on finding a new gig, pupp! Boo on leaving mecha but that's the way the cookie crumbles in this case I suppose.

Best wishes, and enjoy the new passion!

If prank: Well done!

If not: All the best. You will be missed. :( Email me your new snail mail address!

Aw, mudpuppie, I'll miss you. Good luck!

You've been a major light in the constellation of users here, and I've enjoyed your contributions and the great chats that surround you. Thanks.

Lots of love.

PS I used to work on an animal-unfriendly chicken farm, and it shredded my soul. I bet a ranch like that is totally different; healthy, happy animals make all the difference in farming. I hope you have a great time.

I totally believed this. You fooled me!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE :(

Not a prank? If not, good luck to you hun. You will be missed.

I give you big hugs, mudpuppie, no matter what.

Make sure to write us regular letters from your chicken farm:

Metachat
Teh Intarnets
... I forgot our zip code.

I'll miss you if you go, and I'll laugh at everybody who fell for it if it turns out to be a prank. 'cause, you know, I knew all along. Please let it be a prank.

I was all ready to say bye and, yeah, I've enjoyed your company and you'll be missed and blah blah. For real.

Then I Googled somno-gallus therapy. I say, good show.

The therapeutic practice of SGT uses human "stewards" to provide companionship, warmth, and electronic impulses to hens as they sleep. The stewards dress in specially designed, high-tech, feathered cowls (there’s that Silicone Valley influence!) and roost at night with the hens.

This has GOT to be a joke.

*sighs in relief*

I bought it up until the "high-tech feathered cowls".

Hrrmmm I was starting to buy it because of the carefully-constructed initial thread that 'pup posted.

But... yeah. And also, heh.

actually, she's moving to michigan to marry me. she will be wearing the feathered cowl, however.

You two had me going for a short while on the quonsar/mudpuppie nuptials, or what I now refer to fondly as the QUMUNU.

Wait, this is a joke?! Nobody is going to check my vent for gender? And I spent all morning getting pretty??!! This sucks!

Coincidentally, I used to work for Hot and Annie. But that was back when they owned that Taco Bell franchise in Albuquerque. My job was to sleep with the burritos at night. Many people don't realize that of the items on the Taco Bell menu, the burritos are the most susceptible to stress. The work was really rewarding, and I was happy to be able to give something back to the burritos for all the years of happiness they have brought me. Tell Hot I said, "Don't forget the paper towels!" He'll know what I mean.

I bought it, too, up until the chicken suit. At that point I got a little scared.

I bought it until the second paragraph. "The job I've accepted is a little, uh, unusual" instantly tripped my joke-meter.

I was feeling genuine sadness for a whole paragraph though.

Oh, that's the third or fourth paragraph, depending on how you count.

I bought it hook, line, and sinker. Chalk it up to working on a Saturday with a delightfully mild hangover, and a corresponding inability to read the entire post carefully. Or to my gullibility. Nice piece of humbuggery.

I meant what I said, though.

Awesome, Pup, nicely done! I love that - "Hot and Annie".

*wipes away tears of laughter*

mudpuppie - you're in sooo much trouble! But, damn, well played!

taz! Thanks for the QUMUNU info. I fell for that hook, line & sinker and had been wondering all this time what was up with that. I'm too much of a chicken (heh) to have asked.

It actually reads like the first chapter of a Tom Robbins novel.

Practical Poultry Magazine

The UK's best-selling poultry magazine

How many do they have?!!

UK-based poultry magazines? Cursory search:

Smallholder Mag has a poultry section.

Poultry World

Pigeon Mag - I suspect that there are quite a few mags devoted to pigeons

And.. MeatMag - Meat and Poultry News

Well I'll be damned. Fancy pigeons! In a magazine!

≡ Click to see image ≡
Here's a quarter. There you go.

Pup, pi is totally pissed!!! you scared pi!
That said, damn fine show.
*applauds*

Great joke mudpuppie! So well done! I fear your powers.

arse_hat, I haven't thought of the Kids in the Hall chicken lady for at least a decade. That's awesome.

Chicken Lady loves life!

This was awesome, pups. I was with you right up until the chicken suit.

I completely missed the bit about the high-tech cowls and the sleeping with the chickens. Completely.

Amro made me spit, by the way.

Well played, Miz Pup. Well played indeed!