MetaChat - What are your dating dealbreakers? You won't date someone who...

Made vague blog posts.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 10:31

Bwa ha ha.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 10:32

...smokes, is more neurotic than me, is a frat boy and shorter than me (sorry, I know its shallow but I just find it weird).

Sci, since you started this you have to post your dealbreakers.

posted by LunaticFringe 21 March | 10:33

(I really am thinking of serious ones, I promise- I'm just having a hard time thinking of any dealbreakers).

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 10:39

...is a junkie.
it's just freakin' impossible, anyway.
I think that's called 'hanging out.'

...can't deal

posted by ethylene 21 March | 10:39

Has a weak chin. Lives in filth. Is a *raging* conservative. Doesn't fuck on the first date.

ok, not that last one

posted by tr33hggr 21 March | 10:40

...is emotionally undeveloped
...eats whole babies
...is into infantilism

posted by ethylene 21 March | 10:42

wait, what do we mean by "dating"
do we mean occassional fucking?

posted by ethylene 21 March | 10:43

I won't date someone who won't date guys who are married with children.

posted by danostuporstar 21 March | 10:43

...is bipedal.

posted by Wolfdog 21 March | 10:43

You won't date someone who...

...refuses to watch movies with subtitles.

...thinks vegetarians are weird.

...loves baseball and football.

...doesn't like animals.

...doesn't have a creative bone in her body.

...drives an SUV.

...thinks recycling is a waste of time.

Etc.

Actually, being a creative nutcase and nearly vegan, I usually just get interested in vegetarian chicks who are into the animal welfare movement. It's not that I limit myself to that, but it's just easier that way. It's scary. Once you've been in the animal welfare scene for a while and you KNOW all the bad shit that goes on, you see someone hot and then you think, "Oh, but she's wearing a leather jacket." Or, if you're a happy social misfit like me, sometimes you think, "Yeah, she's nice... but wait, she's dressed all fashionable like a Bratz doll, she has spotless white leather Nikes on, and she's wearing a baseball cap... too mainstream!"

Silly but true.

Oh, and... I have an irrational hatred of baseball caps.

posted by shane 21 March | 10:44

I won't date someone I don't like.

That's it. What's the point of limiting yourself? I prefer to be surprised.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 10:47

I won't date anyone who isn't my husband.

Hopefully no one else here has the same rule...not dating anyone who isn't my husband.

posted by iconomy 21 March | 10:47

...is married
it's just icky

posted by ethylene 21 March | 10:53

Both my ex-husbands were photographers, so now I won't date photographers.

posted by JanetLand 21 March | 10:58

I am somewhat suspicious of stand-up comics.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 11:00

*is wondering why this post was thought to be controversial*

posted by LunaticFringe 21 March | 11:02

who's attached, who doesn't read real books, and who doesn't make me laugh (with him rather than at him!). Homophobia and racism are also dealbreakers.

posted by occhiblu 21 March | 11:02

i second the stand ups

posted by ethylene 21 March | 11:02

... has a penis

posted by mike9322 21 March | 11:02

Homophobia and racism are also dealbreakers.

Yes!

Ditto for those saying you won't date someone who's attached. No matter what they tell me, from here on out I'm walking away from anyone who comes with an attachment. Being strung along sucks.

Has anyone else been through so much garbage that you find relief in being alone? "Aaaaah, I can do whatever I want, no worries, no hassles." You wonder if it's worth the trouble? Not that this is necessarilly true.

posted by shane 21 March | 11:06

...hates themselves
...reflexively recoils at the unknown
--are we talking mating dating or hang out with occassional sex dating?
i'm still confused.

posted by ethylene 21 March | 11:06

It's a hypothetical, but if I were dating I wouldn't date someone who

* didn't have friends
* didn't want to better themselves, somehow

plus obvious dealbreakers like homophobia, racism, being cheap, and failure to believe in evolution.

posted by gaspode 21 March | 11:09

...shits the bed.

posted by Hugh Janus 21 March | 11:11

Back in the days I used to date, I recall I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't passionate about something (music or books or politics or science or anything).

posted by carmina 21 March | 11:13

...who dates.

posted by WolfDaddy 21 March | 11:13

ditto carmina!

...is dispassionate, doesn't seem to get the concept of "nature," has not the slightest interest in anything cosmic, philosophical, or creative, and makes dull self-referential aggrandisements, like the recent "I'm a different kind of gay guy." Yeah, right.

posted by moonbird 21 March | 11:16

won't date someone who :

doesn't read books
is hopelessly unreliable about money/practical life stuff
doesn't love animals

on preview, what occhiblu said.

posted by wens 21 March | 11:17

I won't date someone I don't like.

That's it. What's the point of limiting yourself? I prefer to be surprised.

That covers it for me, too, TPS. Works well because if they were homophobic, racist, conservative, attached, or in any other way a dealbreaker, I wouldn't like them. In that way.

Has anyone else been through so much garbage that you find relief in being alone?

Yeah. In fact, until very recently I took a very long hiatus from romantic involvements. I called a stop to it, though, because it was all too comfortable. I realized life was passing me by. Yes, it's terribly scary and inconvenient to be involved with people. Yes, it means you are opening yourself up to possibly go through tough times again. But then, it's so, so sweet. And what else is there to life, really, than human connection?

posted by Miko 21 March | 11:18

I won't date anyone who laughs hysterically, calls all her friends, takes a picture of me with her cell phone, calls her family, laughs some more, points, and then finally farts with laughter before telling me no, she wouldn't go out with me even if I didn't have ear hair.

Oh, I won't date anyone named Floyd either.

posted by DeepFriedTwinkies 21 March | 11:22

Smoking and gum chewing are out. Also, chronic phone usage.

They have to have a sense of humor. Actually, they must think that I am funny.

posted by sarah connor 21 March | 11:24

* is boring
* takes themselves too seriously
* is attached
* is too negative OR
* is not negative enough
* doesn't get the concept of moderation in all things, including moderation
* is completely unromantic

I used to say I was looking for a guy with a truck, a dog and a guitar, but apparently I was aiming too high or too low or too something, because as a tag line on a personal ad that only netted me a nice selection of mulletheaded morons. Basically I'm looking for someone with some form of income, some form of housing, some kindness and some deep down in the bone wacked out creativity and bubbling over crazy joyousness laced with entertaining cynicism. Most recent guy is missing the last one and it turns out that's a dealbreaker. Who knew?

posted by mygothlaundry 21 March | 11:25

Wow, you guys have a serious tolerance for bed-shitting!

posted by Hugh Janus 21 March | 11:29

I'm going old school. They have to bring a "gift" and wear something suitably unusual for the first one, which they will pay for

after which they will tip all my "relatives"

posted by ethylene 21 March | 11:35

Hugh, I just think we all date in a different sphincter control pool than you.

posted by DeepFriedTwinkies 21 March | 11:51

"Aaaaah, I can do whatever I want, no worries, no hassles."

Shane, this is precisely why I prefer to remain single at this point, in the sense that I don't miss getting guilt trips for wanting to spend time alone, work on a project, being too tired after work, working difficult hours, etc. I don't miss feeling like a schmuck because I can't or won't drop things to sit around and watch tv all night long.

I've never been a fan of one-on-one dates or being in a relationship for the sake of having a warm body at my side. Preferring group activites instead, being a 'dreaded singleton' is really very natural for me.

As it stands the are more things to do than hours in the day to do them. Adding a relationship to the mix is going to detract from some, perhaps many, of those other things, so it needs to have quality and potential before I'll seriously consider it. And if it's not worth seriously considering, I don't explore it on a romantic level. I also feel relaxed that Mr. Right will come along in due time and he'll be that person who make the 'worries and hassles' as well as the compromises worth it.

So, dealbreakers:
-unavailable
-negative
-self defeating
-clingy
-mean spirited
-bigoted
-lacking intelligence, curiosity and passion
-misanthropic
-humorless (and a good measure of the humor needs to be blacker than blackstrap molasses)
-doesn't like music
-hates Frisbees

I know it's long, but a gal has to have her standards.

On preview:

Allow me to add 'bed-shitting' to the list.

Also, miko, I get what you're saying about connection, but I don't think that romantic connection isn't the only sweet connection for people to have and certainly not the only one that involves taking risks, being open and vulnerable. Perhaps it's just me, but I fall in a kind of love even with my most platonic male and female friends, it's just that it's often much more soulful and, obviously, lacks the sexual component.

Taking a few steps back from being in the singles' scene has been a dicey move as some guys just don't want to have anything to do with you if you're not open to getting together. But with others, it's allowed me to develop some outstanding non-romantic relationships and explore even deeper connections than would have happened had I been on people's proverbial dance cards.

posted by Frisbee Girl 21 March | 11:55

Oops: "but I don't think that romantic connection is the only sweet connection for people to have"

posted by Frisbee Girl 21 March | 11:57

After The Horrendous Breakup of 2002, my dating rules were that I would never date anyone who:

1. Lived more than two hours away from me via convenient transportation.
2. Took more medication than I did.
3. I met on the Internet.

On preview: Also, I don't think I can date anyone who's kinkier than I am, or has kinks I don't understand, or doesn't appreciate my kinks. I also can't date anyone whose appreciation for the act of sex is less than mine (because that's what ended the last relationship, mostly), is a closed-minded conservative (but open-minded ones are fine!) or is not creative in some way.

So of course, the last guy I dated violated two of those rules right off the bat. If he hadn't gone back to his ex, I think we'd be having a really cool relationship right now.

I think that most of the rules still apply for me in terms of finding someone I want to bring into my life as more than just a boink bunny. If I'm getting attached to someone, I need to be able to see them on the weekends for cuddling and sleeping together and watching DVDs together. That's how relationships are built.

For boink bunnies, though... I've got different criteria.

posted by TrishaLynn 21 March | 12:02

...is closeted.
...is republican.

posted by amberglow 21 March | 12:05

I don't think that romantic connection isn't the only sweet connection for people to have and certainly not the only one that involves taking risks, being open and vulnerable.

Oh, absolutely not. I'm talking about adding the romantic connection to an already full life.

Toward the end of dating hiatus, I hit a point where I was really engaged in my projects, personal goals, friendships, and work, and could have trucked on like that for my entire life while passively waiting for Mr. Right. Then I had a serious health scare, and the associated thoughts displayed in vivid relief that there was something really missing in my life that no number of friendships, activities, or projects was going to provide.

I think I also used to underestimate the importance of sex to me by just ignoring it as an area of life. It's too important to me to ignore any more.

posted by Miko 21 March | 12:09

- charges more than 1/2 of one semimonthly paycheck.

posted by mullacc 21 March | 12:12

Excellent, miko! It sounds as though that sense of urgency very much suits where you are and your immediate goals. Happy dating!

posted by Frisbee Girl 21 March | 12:15

Heh. Hopefully it's not urgency, just a far higher priority than I used to consider it.

posted by Miko 21 March | 12:30

- charges more than 1/2 of one semimonthly paycheck.

::tries to calculate what that would be for me::

I assume you mean toward debt, not just credit building, mullacc?

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 12:33

* smokes
* has no opinions

posted by flopsy 21 March | 12:49

...is closeted.
...is republican.

what do you have against poor Ralph Reed!

posted by matteo 21 March | 13:07

Basically I'm looking for someone with some form of income, some form of housing, some kindness and some deep down in the bone wacked out creativity and bubbling over crazy joyousness laced with entertaining cynicism.

*concurs*

Dealbreakers:
- pretentious
- violates my strict cell-phone etiquette
- is closeted (come on, guys, we all know)

posted by muddgirl 21 March | 13:21

* Smokes
* 'Hard' drugs
* Does not have hobbies
* Sexually conservative
* Low self-esteem
* Addicted to mobile phone
* Leaves voicemail, expects me to listen promptly

posted by Triode 21 March | 13:23

* Leaves voicemail, expects me to listen promptly

Hahahah, best answer. I hate talking on the phone- please just IM or text me. Thanks.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 13:31

I hate talking on the phone- please just IM or text me.

Cool! You mean if I date someone like you I don't have to talk all night till the cellphone leaves radiation marks on my cheek? That might be fun at first (and I've even fallen asleep on a cellphone at 5:00 A.M. after 8 hours of conversation), but at some point you may as well just be talking in person.

posted by shane 21 March | 13:50

I don't want to talk on the phone ever. Period. I can't pay attention on the phone- after about 5 minutes, I'm online, or reading a magazine, or something. If we're gonna talk on the phone for hours, we might as well just talk in person.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 13:54

I agree with TPS and Miko -- for me, liking them covers most of the bases. But to be honest, that's really just theoretical.

These days, given the nature of my current job I'm currently doing and outside interests, I'm not meeting any unattached guys. The thought of online dating fills me with horror. So it's been a while.

Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but as Fris points out, there are some real advantages to being on your own. I'd like to be in a relationship again sometime, and of course I miss sex; but I've always been more of a friend-maker than a casual dater.

posted by tangerine 21 March | 14:04

The thought of online dating fills me with horror.

It's much better than I expected. It's really not that bad. You don't have to meet anyone you don't want to, after all.

posted by Miko 21 March | 14:13

Holy shit, I can't tell y'all how many times I've been disqualified in this thread.

*is dejected*

posted by mudpuppie 21 March | 14:50

Awwww why mudpuppie?

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 14:51

you're a frat boy, mudpuppie?

posted by gaspode 21 March | 14:53

My disqualifiers:

- extreme self-absorption (past the point of self-awareness)
- refusal to take responsibility for hurt feelings, even if unintentional
- insistence on everyone sharing the same political opinions
- the conversational act of following every "I" statement with an "I" statement
- repeatedly asking "what are you thinking about?"
- expecting me to talk when I don't have anything to say
- disdain of my social shyness
- some knowledge of good music helpful
- must love animals

posted by mudpuppie 21 March | 14:57

'Pode and Pink: Apparently, not being a frat boy is one thing I have going for me. Yay.

posted by mudpuppie 21 March | 14:58

Well, I won't date anyone who isn't a frat boy, so...

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 15:11

as a smoker, i'd just like to say that i hope you smoking-intolerant jerkfaces never find your precious little mr/ms "right" and are forced to live a bitter and depressing life filled with nothing but loneliness, boredom, self-loathing, and more loneliness.

on the plus side, your car will still have that "new car" scent... so, you know, that's cool.

posted by Wedge 21 March | 16:09

Huh, the more of this thread I read, it occurs to me that maybe I just don't know how to date.

First of all, many of you discus being single as a choice. Well, world's smallest violin... I can sypmathise with pup also, as I'm guilty of some of the stuff on that list.

Dating people online doesn't seem to work, because the pool of candidates is usually pretty small, and talking to a stranger at a bar never works, at least not for me... What does that leave?

oh, and what Wedge said

posted by pieisexactlythree 21 March | 16:11

I don't think anyone's saying smokers should never find love. I wish everyone love! Lots of love! Lovey lovely love!

posted by occhiblu 21 March | 16:41

Aw, Wedge, come over here and sit beside me. You can ash in my exotic organic juice and thrice filtered spring water drink bottle. I just bought it because I needed change for the bus. All I ask is that you not blow smoke in my face.

pie, I hope you don't think I was fishing for sympathy. There's just no contest when the choice is between being generally happy alone and surrounded by buddies or mostly miserable in a relationship but isolated from friends and so far nothing's worked out. But, you know, it only takes one and I plan on kicking around the planet for quite some time. So who knows?

And, finally, 'pup, you always at the top of my list...just in that other way. *hug*

posted by Frisbee Girl 21 March | 16:44

Dating people online doesn't seem to work, because the pool of candidates is usually pretty small

Yeah, but they're all actually looking. Which saves a ton of time in the screening process.

Annnyway...threads like this worry me sometimes. It's the Seinfeld thing: we all probably walk around with too many 'disqualifiers' in our heads. But you know what? Love doesn't always obey our little rules. I try to keep my eyes open and be ready to be surprised. As long as someone's mentally healthy, not a jerk, and relatively together, they're worth a thought. If I had ever said I'd never date a smoker/Dead fan/long-distance-resider/actor/Virgo/overweight guy/whatever... I would have really missed out on some wonderful guys, is all. I want to approach dating pretty charitably, I guess. God knows I could be 'disqualified' for a million things, but I'd like a chance, too. So I try to give a chance.

posted by Miko 21 March | 16:49

I suppose there's a serious difference between dating people and actually getting into a committed stable relationship. It's the latter I've struggled with. Also, I wonder how many of us view ourselves as some sort of George Costanza type person.

As for online, I still think it's a long shot, but I guess all other methods are even worse...

posted by pieisexactlythree 21 March | 17:34

What's a George Costanza type? Sorry, I've seen less than three full episodes of "Friends".

posted by Frisbee Girl 21 March | 17:52

Crap. That one, too. I meant "Seinfeld". Really, I just don't watch tv.

posted by Frisbee Girl 21 March | 17:53

I'm guessing miko eats her peas one at a time.

posted by knave 21 March | 18:43

What's a George Costanza type? Sorry, I've seen less than three full episodes of "Friends".

That's the greatest paragraph I've ever read, Frisbee Girl.

posted by Hugh Janus 22 March | 08:51

21 March 2006