I would be the lazy, slobby roommate who never pulled their weight, but who you could never be mad at because they were so much fun to have around, so eventually you just give up on expecting them to do anything.
Wait! I know. I'll scrub the floors. I actually like to scrub things. I just don't like picking stuff up and putting it away. (Although I, too, have the monkey toes. A friend and I used to practice smoking with our toes in case we were ever put in straight jackets.)
Oh, and I will also pester the cats. Pestering cats is very important. Cats require pestering. If you don't pester cats, they become dangerously unconfused. An unconfused cat will eat our spicy brains and take over.
My cat pestering skills include advanced socks-on-heads, confusion through vanishing objects, tinfoil booties, staring contests, speaking surreal gibberish in perfectly accented cat, and playing the catamaphone.
(Catamaphone: Pick up cat, invert in arms, tickle and pester cat tummy until the verge of protest, then squeeze gently like an accordian bellow. Instant musical cat!)
I have a white-hot hatred for housework, but I will keep the Roomba charged and make sure all the artwork is hung straight, adjusting as needed so there will be no crooked hanging art in Villa Bunny, ever.
I will also cook with gaspode, make the coffee, water the plants, and make sure the lighting is warm and beautiful.
ooh, Friz, come hang out with me and gaspode in the kitchen! I'll order three "kiss the chef" aprons and an extra case or two of "lubricate the chefs" wine, and we'll also collectively take on the task of gossiping about everyone else while we're cooking.
Real grrls in real toolbelts are ubersexy, and I'm not talking about those cheesecake bikini garage calendars. Seriously, a girl that knows how to swing a hammer and use a sawzall and stuff gets me all kinds of flustered.
Oh, I can DJ for dance parties, too. This joint is going to have a cozy little dance floor in the basement, right?
Hmmmm, the second one, on top of being breathtakingly gorgeous, is far more practical. It would City of Lost Children-like physical attributes for two or three cooks to work on the first stove at the same time. (Still a beaut, though.)
I will, tracicle. I have a Monk-like tendency to straighten everyone's art, wherever I go. I am compelled.
Agreed, Friz. We'll get eight burners and two ovens and a grill on that little beauty. Also, we definitely have a fireplace in our kitchen. Cheering, cozy, plus we can do cool things like charring eggplant and red peppers among the embers.
eth, everyone knows that pooping in the kitchen, passively or aggressively, is bad form. I think we're cool.
taz, I've got a grill craving right now like no one's business and charred eggplant sounds wonderful. We're serving grilled asparagus at work right now. Perfectly charred, then finished with a spread of kalamata tapanade and shaved reggiano. SO tasty.
damn! It looks like cookgreek.com lost their domain.
Anyway, here's an okay recipe for meltizana salata (eggplant salad). Totally tweakable; I do this with less tomato, charred eggplant, charred red pepper, and crushed walnuts. And probably more olive oil (etc.). You notice that the instructions mention vinegar, but the ingredients don't list it? Most melitzana salata has vinegar. You can use basil instead of mint, cilantro instead of parsley... just adjust everything for your own tastes.
I'd be the one that never did anything, but who is thought by everybody to do things and who is consequently used as a sounding board by actual working housemates to bitch about people who actually did more than me.
(That's a true story. When I lived in shared houses, I'd be constantly moaned at for other peoples house-cleaning shortcomings. Everyone assumed I pulled my weight. I never did. Even when I apologised for my lack of work, people were all - "Well, at least you do more than Jason." Any protestations to the contrary were treated as modesty.
One of the advantages of my natural invisibility, I guess.)
But now we know your secret, seanyboy. Though being used as a sounding board for bitching sounds like more work than not-working... So, as far as I'm concerned, you'll be pulling your load right there.
tang, BP: Can we share dish duty? I was raised by a mom who feared using the dishwasher, even after my sister and I got them a new one for an anniversay once. So for me, the preferred method is to wash all the plastics, pots, pans and stuff that people use daily for cooking and rack dry them, and put cups, dishes, bowls and flatware in the dishwasher.
I'll also be in charge of taking out the trash, as long as we live in a place that has a convenient chute to the dumpster outside. Someon e else has to wheel it to the curb though. I am a tiny woman.
I'm a terrible housekeeper, but I will keep track of the grocery-shopping lists and do a big run once or twice a week. This is only if we are all living in a place where car parking is convenient. If you need one thing, you're going to have to get it yourself, or put it on the list for the next week. Or are we getting one of those delivery services? good, I'm off the hook.
also, will walk the dogs, since the cats seem to be taken care of. is someone already changing the kitty litter? I do not volunteer.
I'm also going to compost all of the food scraps and grow organic vegetables so that we can have really yummy greens for salad. I'm also going to plant and tend a grove of orange and apple trees, build a gazebo with a dance floor, and hang wooden swings from the big branch of the sycamore tree that overlooks the pond. If anyone who knows anything about electricity could wire the gazebo for speakers, that would be great.
I'm also going to plant corn mazes (maize mazes) and sunflowers. And maybe keep bees for honey, unless someone who isn't allergic to bee stings wants to do that...
Wait, are there any boys in the kitchen yet? Because if not, in addition to handling the house's illicit needs, I need to be the kitchen boy. I clean as I go, and while I don't make very many things, the things I do make I make very well.
Like home made strawberry/raspberry shortcake. With fresh whipped cream and, if you like, a dollop of home-made vanilla ice cream. People have often come to my home for the sex, but have stayed for the spaghetti (or maybe it's been the other way around), a bachelor-pad staple that I make up spicy (very spicy) and fresh. And salsa! But that has cilantro and I'm afraid I won't modify the recipe; however, it gets better as it refrigerates. About 2 days for peak flavor and hot.
And then there's tri-tip. Oh, tri-tip is the one, the very and only one thing, that makes me not ever want to ever be a vegetarian. Rubbed down with a bit of olive oil, garlic, and salt and pepper and then thrown on the grill. Droooooooooool.
My mom just told me she made these cakes all the time when I was a little baby. I'm considering adding it to my limited menu. It sounds decadent and delish and divine.
As long as we're handing out titles and stuff, can I be the Kitchen Nazi? It's a title I hold near and dear to my heart. I even have a modified SS coat that I can wear while I make sure that the dishes are returned to the kitchen sink for washing. Schnell!
Oh, and cabana boys wear shirts? Not in my house!
Covertly steals all hawaiian-shirts from house, leaves one for mike to wear for the ladies to rip-off, is so desired. And by 'rip-off' I don't mean petty larceny.
There's going to be a lot of mail. I'll totally bring in the mail from the box and set it somewhere in the house to be organized and distributed by someone else. Note: I have not committed to getting the morning paper.
I will periodically provide safety assessments for all the rooms in the house, as well as many appliances as well as other assorted danger items and activities. Note: some of my assessments will come in the form of surprise inspections. Never fear, I can be very circumspect.
I know someone else claimed the following things, but I can certainly be back-up on them as I'm known for being quite good at making the morning coffee, and straightening pictures / art. I'm also good at putting the DVDs in and getting the movie just ready to start as the dinner is being served.
No, I am sorry everyone. I would cook. In a filthy dirty apron, with my oily hairs up in a bun, a burning cigarette hanging from my mouth occasionally setting my bangs on fire. Also, greek food only. No variations, no special orders. Lentils and bean soups twice a week.
What? You don't like my food? Then (as my mama used to say) you aren't getting anything else! There.
Either that, or I'll be taking long baths despite your urgent calls to use the bathroom.
OK, I am joking. I will probably hang out in the kitchen with taz and trish and gaspode and mudpup and everyone else. But I will be smoking, alright?
I would drink all the wine when no one was looking, but leave magically delicious vegan eats and treats waiting for all the next morning on the counter! I would also be in charge of making little doodles and crafty gewgaws to cheer folk up, and organizing the mental torture sessions for when folks need tearing down.
I would be in charge of playing MY music much too loudly and for leaving scribbly paper everywhere. I will also follow all the girls around asking them to braid my hair. I will then make the boys lift heavy things and make little clappy gestures when they do.
I'd be in charge of the dishes and nagging people to put them in the goddamn sink, were you raised in a barn?
I would counter this by yelling at people not to put the dishes in the fucking sink unless you are gong to wash them, damnit! Stack the dishes on the bench after rinsing them so that we can use the sink!
Also, I can fix things. I have tools. And a tool belt, which makes my pants sag in a sexy way, dammit
Me too, although my pants sag because of my saggy arse, nothing to do with toolbelts. Also, I can build almost anything as well as fix stuff, but I can fix pretty near anything mechanical as long as I have time to puzzle out how it worked in the first place.
If anyone who knows anything about electricity could wire the gazebo for speakers, that would be great.
Sorted. Also, what's a gazebo without wireless broadband?