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17 March 2006

older men/younger women: the rant I'm just letting off some steam here....
[More:]The whole sexist "older man/younger woman" norm in our culture pisses me off no end — not because it's the norm, but because of the whole strain of entitlement that has evolved from it.

In daily life I am continually hassled by older men who try to use me for an easy thrill. They really seem to think it's okay to paw me uninvited or make lewd comments. I can't begin the count the times it has happened. For example, there was a certain co-worker's disgusting late sixties goat of a husband whom I nearly slapped at my company's Christmas dinner dance because he tried to give me a warm close hug and kiss. His wife assured me that he was "just being friendly". I didn't see him "just being friendly" with any of my male co-workers, nor even with any of my female co-workers who are significantly older and less attractive than me — just those of us who were younger and ranged from presentable to very pretty. I firmly offered my hand for him to shake. He proceeded to kiss it, slobbering all over it in the process. Ewwwwww. I bet men my age aren't subjected to this sort of thing from women old enough to be their mothers.

I'm 32, and I state very clearly in my Lavalife profiles that I want a man between 29 and 35, and that men over 40 should save their credits as I will not be responding, yet I *daily* get at least several messages from men anywhere from 40 to 70.

I wouldn't blame them for trying if they'd only have a little modesty about it, if I could feel they had some realizing sense that they're at a disadvantage. But no. I've had so many older men refer to themselves as catches, loftily tell me that "age is just a number" and act as though I'm being closed minded for not wanting to date them. I tell them I'm sure there are lots of women in their fifties and sixties who would appreciate their open-mindedness. But oh no, they don't date older women. Such infuriating hypocrisy. Age matters as much to them as to me — it's my preferences and best interests that don't matter to them.

So many men feel entitled to someone significantly younger than them. There are so many guys 30-35 on Lava who say they aren't interested in anyone above the age of 27 or so. Of course this bothers me very little compared to the harassment I get — I simply move to the next profile.

Another thing that bothers me is all the times I get told by women (usually those who are older than me) that I should be dating older men. I doubt that there are many men in their early thirties who are being lectured about how they should be dating women in their forties. A man my age is considered to deserve a single woman in her twenties while I'm expected to settle for some middle-aged man in his forties who is probably divorced and has kids — or who is unmarried for excellent reasons.

The argument I get from these older female friends is that "men your age won't be mature enough for you", which I consider to be another bit of sexist garbage. I don't find that, overall, men in their thirties are less mature than women of the same age (sure there's a gap in the teens and early twenties, but it evens out). And age is never any guarantor of maturity in either gender. I know selfish, irresponsible people in their forties and above, and grounded, trustworthy, integrated people in their twenties.

One time I had a date with someone who was ONE YEAR YOUNGER than me and a friend of mine kept going on that he was "so young, so young, so young" like a broken record (in a way that implied he was too young) while I was trying to tell her about him. And she wants me to meet some forty something friend of hers who doesn't want children (I do, and she knows that). The next time she does it I'm going to ask her not to.

I also read an essay awhile back written by a woman in her late thirties who was dating a guy ten years younger in which she said she was constantly getting warned that the guy would move on to someone younger eventually. No one would dream of saying that to a man who was ten years older than his partner.

Vent complete. Thanks for listening;-)

Yeah, yeah.

Now show us yer tits!
posted by Skrik 17 March | 09:43
OS: I have/had the same rant when I was on a dating site. Maybe I have a valid reason for not wanting to date men in their 40s. Maybe it's because I tried it before and his relationship goal didn't match mine.

I'll admit that I'm not elitist enough not to enjoy a romance with an man more than 10 years older than me, but he's got to at least have the same kind of mindset as me, or some other quality that makes me forget that he's older.

Age is just a number--that's true. But when the number is like 50 (and you're only 28), then that number also comes with baggage.
posted by TrishaLynn 17 March | 09:50
My last boyfriend was 9 months younger, and his brother called me a cougar. Mind you, it was a joke and I'm younger, but yeah... we don't have a male equivalent for 'cougar'.

You've saved me a rant on how Ashton/Demi are talked about in the press, compared to Katie/Tom. Hmph.
posted by heatherann 17 March | 09:50
Well, I'm with you on this.

So in the interest of parity, I offer myself to all the hot older ladies out there. For freedom and equality and stuff.
posted by jonmc 17 March | 09:53
You go girl! woot woot!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 10:09
I'm not offended when someone clearly outside my stated age preferences contacts me. In fact, most of the time, I find it charming and flattering. With maturity comes boldness, the attitude that you can't win if you don't buy a ticket. The contrast between the older guys with cojones and the timidity and passivity of my generation's would-be Lotharios is, well, eye-opening. These guys are willing to face probable rejection and give it a shot anyway. What's not to love?
posted by go dog go 17 March | 10:10
What's not to love?

Um, me, apparently.
posted by deadcowdan 17 March | 10:18
My last boyfriend was 9 months younger, and his brother called me a cougar. Mind you, it was a joke and I'm younger, but yeah... we don't have a male equivalent for 'cougar'.

Some 22-year-old little bratsie on Consumating.com tagged me as here's_to_you_Mrs._Robinson. I tagged her back as punk_ass_chickadee.
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 10:22
I've seen your pics, Orange Swan. You're more young sexpot than Mrs. Robinson any day of the week.
posted by jonmc 17 March | 10:24
Like I said, postmodernmillie, I don't mind their trying so much as their attitude of entitlement. If they send me a message like "I noticed that you said you wanted someone under 40, and I'm 42, but I couldn't resist emailing you to tell you how much I enjoyed your ad and how attractive I think you are," I am at least quite complimented. And I've made exceptions to my age rule.

The kind of thing I do mind is, for example, one guy who is 47, looks ten years older than that, has three kids, went on in his ad about what a catch he thinks he is, and would not stop emailing me despite my lack of response. I eventually got fed up and blocked him.
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 10:33
Why, thanks, jonmc! [bats orange eyelashes]
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 10:34
we don't have a male equivalent for 'cougar'.

How about "old goat"?
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 10:40
and if it makes you feel any better some 20-year-old bimbonic wonder I was trying to mack on in a bar called me 'Dad,' a couple weeks ago. A few gray hairs and the world goes mad.

*walks away waving cane*
posted by jonmc 17 March | 10:40
Eww, Swan, yuck. As I said, "most of the time." I kick those aggressive ones to the curb.
posted by go dog go 17 March | 10:44
oh, that attitude of entitlement irks me, too, but from the other side. I'm 44, and guys my age (or older) frequently wouldn't even consider a woman who is approximately their own age, even if I look considerably younger than I am. And don't get me started on the men who lie about their age. I'm just not up for the online dating thing right now.
posted by wens 17 March | 10:47
I figured it was either post this thread, or take a "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" stance, and begin picking up teenaged boys and taking them back to my apartment, there to be stripped of their innocence.
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 10:48
Now you're talking.
posted by go dog go 17 March | 10:49
The other side of that coin is that for women in their 40s, the men in the 40-50 age group are looking for women aged between 25 and 30 (and in some cases 18-25).

A few years ago, after I split with my husband, I registered for a few sites. I was amazed at the unrealistic expectations of the men my age, most of whom appeared to have very precise specifications of what they were looking for (under 30, blonde, slim, pretty, long legs, big tits, yadda, yadda, yadda ...)

And the one guy I met lied, said he was 5ft 7. I'm just under 5ft, and he was short, even from my eye-level. And boring.

On preview, what wens said.
posted by essexjan 17 March | 10:53
Yes, men lie about their age and their height (men tell me women lie about their weight). An interesting thing I've noticed is that the guys who say they're 6' really are. It's the guys who say they're 5'7 who turn out to be 5'4.

However, I will say that most of the guys I've actually met have been quite honest and are usually very decent guys. I'm pretty good at screening.



posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 11:03
My wife is 12 years younger than me. For what it's worth.
posted by tr33hggr 17 March | 11:06
I've never understood people (male or female) who have long lists of precise qualifications for a potential SO. They're depriving themselves of the chance to have their socks unexpectedly blown off, which is one of life's true pleasures.
posted by jonmc 17 March | 11:06
essexjan, here it seems the euphemism for all that is 'athletic.' I am short and slim, but I don't spend my free time at the gym (I spend it here!) I wonder if all those self-identified gym rats really are.
posted by wens 17 March | 11:10
*begins to high-five tr33*
*realizes he married an older woman*
posted by danostuporstar 17 March | 11:11
Oh yes, if you meet someone you connect with and can love, the checklist tends to go out the window. I do have ideas about what I would ideally like, but am rigid on very, very few (i.e., he must not be married or gay, abusive or an addict).
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 11:13
See, and I find relationships with the gays so rewarding. /sarcasm
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 11:14
Oh yes, if you meet someone you connect with and can love, the checklist tends to go out the window.

I did once meet someone who met the checklist completely, and I did fall for her, hard. Sadly for me, she'd be more attracted to you than me. That's when I threw the checklist away.
posted by jonmc 17 March | 11:15
They're satisfying everywhere but in bed, PSH;-)
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 11:16
I agree with jonmc (as usual). I have a "type" I'm into, but that's never who I've ended up with. No regrets. It's a lot more fun to have vague requirements, with the prerequisites just being the one or two things you can't stand. e.g. for myself: no tweakers, dope fiends, religious fundamentalists. Yup. High standards. And somehow I'm still not dating...
posted by small_ruminant 17 March | 11:24
wens, that athletic thing really must be a euphemism, because I see plenty of BBWs who regularly work out and somehow they don't qualify as athletic.

aside: I have the coolest gym - everyone's a weirdo. (Berkeley YMCA)
posted by small_ruminant 17 March | 11:28
I married a woman almost 6 years older than me, with three kids. When I was just 21. We've been together over 20 years, now. I'm a grandfather twice over, now. At 42. But you wouldn't know it to look at me. I look pretty much the same as I did at 30. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a real catch. Can I slobber all over kiss your hand, OS? Give us a big hug, now.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 17 March | 11:31
Wow, Grampa Henderson!
posted by danostuporstar 17 March | 11:36
word, word, word, orange swan. I never did the online dating thing, but when I was with my last boyfriend (3 years younger) we got so much crap it wasn't funny. Sexist arseholes. And those entitled older men sound .... gah, dreadful.

And if I may hijack your rant? You know what is just as sexist? People that are flabbergasted that a taller woman would date a shorter man. mr. g is shorter than me (about 2 or 3 inches so it's not insignificant, particularly when I wear heels) and it's never worried me. I can't believe the number of people who feel the need to comment on it and make "funny" remarks. Would ANYONE do that if he were 2-3 inches taller than me?! Absolutely not!!

Gah.
posted by gaspode 17 March | 11:48
Yes, the height differential is another thing. A 5'5" male friend of mine complained bitterly about it back when he was dating. He didn't like that he would get dismissed out of hand for something so totally beyond his control. Of course now he's engaged to a lovely woman, so he's past all that.

But I have to laugh when I remember how he talked about how he disliked "feeling so overpowered" in bed when he was with a woman who was bigger than him. Heh.
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 11:59
am i ruining things by only dating older guys?

if he's still around i desire a dinner with colonel potter from mash.

as to the cougar thing, i've settled on calling myself a gravedigger as opposed to the cradle robber.

posted by Mrs.Pants 17 March | 12:04
I'm over a foot taller and 3 years younger than my wife. Other than the subjects of occasional teasing (on both sides), neither has ever been an issue for us.
posted by tommasz 17 March | 12:09
A lot of very tall guys (i.e., 6'4 or taller) on dating sites specify they don't want anyone shorter than say, 5'7". This I can understand.
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 12:13
I have no physical preferences for the men I date, EXCEPT that I prefer short guys over tall guys. I'm 5'6", and I prefer the guys I date to be no taller than 6'. I dated a guy who was 6'4", and I always felt like a small child. The shorter, the better- shorter than me is hella sexy!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 12:14
Although, p.s., the short guy has to own and love that he's short. Being insecure (ala Orange Swan's friend feeling "overpowered" in bed) is NOT hella sexy.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 12:23
Being tall is overrated. I'm 6 foot plus. People are always asking you to get shit of shelves for them and you always tower over people and people always want to pick fights, and I'm skinny, so a short muscled-up dude could kick my ass, probably.
posted by jonmc 17 March | 12:25
To clarify: I have no problem with short men (hell, at 4ft 11, a shorter guy suits me). What pissed me off was the guy I met had said he was 5'7 but he was probably no more than 5'2. Did he think I wouldn't notice?
posted by essexjan 17 March | 12:25
Oh it didn't read that way, essexjan. I hate when people mis-represent themselves like that too. Just own it.
posted by gaspode 17 March | 12:27
Hehehe, once I was on a date with a short guy- probably 2 or 3 inches shorter than me. I asked him, how tall are you? He said, 5'6". I said, me too! He stammered, uhh, well, maybe I'm not, errr, uh.....
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 12:28
I've had a string of vicious crushes on men almost exactly twelve years older than me. To the point that almost three years ago, my best friend quipped, "In the land of the 22-year-olds, the 33-year-old is king."

Not very germane, I know, but I just felt like mentioning it. I never got to date any of them, anyway. It wasn't a premeditated choice or an exclusive preference, just a pattern.
posted by jann 17 March | 12:33
The past year or so, I was only attracted to men who were 27 years old. Got to the point where I'd meet a guy I thought was cute, and ask, how old are you- 27, right? I'm beginning to break out of it, which is too bad- younger guys are retahded.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 12:34
I've never had any sense of restriction about who I hit on (and I mean since I was a toddler). If I like you, I like you. Older women? Yes please! I actually tend to dislike younger women due to their relative immaturity. Then I grew up and learned that all women are crazy, so now I stay away from them entirely on anything but a casually flirtatious basis (with a couple of notable exception, who are still crazy).

A lot of very tall guys (i.e., 6'4 or taller) on dating sites specify they don't want anyone shorter than say, 5'7". This I can understand.

I'm 5'12" and I don't want anyone shorter than 5'7". I've dated someone 5'1" before; it's a preference and not a rule.
posted by Eideteker 17 March | 12:34
Is it weird that most of the women I've been attracted to lately are 30- or even 40-something mom types? It's kind of freaking me out.
posted by mike9322 17 March | 12:34
You're more young sexpot than Mrs. Robinson any day of the week.

...Not that there's anything *wrong* with Mrs. Robinson....
posted by matildaben 17 March | 12:38
I am 32 and my general rule as far as age is concerned is 7 years in either direction. I have made exceptions to that, but not too many. Even then it's only a couple years - I couldn't see myself with someone too much older or too much younger. As far as height, I want a man to be taller than me. I've never gone out with anyone shorter than me. But then again I am only 5'3" so it's not too hard to find a taller man. : )

I have a friend who likes them way older, though. She's 39 and spent much of her 20s with a guy 25 years older than she is. These days she's mainly going for guys in their mid-late 40s, though.

The euphemism guys use in ads here is "fit." Yeah, right.
posted by sisterhavana 17 March | 12:40
Interestingly, my current boyfriend is 20 years older than my last boyfriend, who was 8 years younger than I am. I'm really running the gamut, I guess. I was actually worried that my current boyfriend would think I was too young for him, so I guess he's an exception to the slobberers that poor Orange Swan's had to deal with (I think we've all met our share of those, bleah).
posted by JanetLand 17 March | 12:40
You're not Mrs. Robinson, either, Tilda, my dear. You're my rock-and-roll earth mother, not some skeevy seductress.
posted by jonmc 17 March | 12:40
Hehehe, once I was on a date with a short guy- probably 2 or 3 inches shorter than me. I asked him, how tall are you? He said, 5'6". I said, me too! He stammered, uhh, well, maybe I'm not, errr, uh.....

Some of them don't even have that much shame. A former roommate's boyfriend once claimed to be 5'7", and at 5'5", I was several inches taller than him. I said, "You can't be 5'7", because I'm 5'5"."

He said, "Who measured you?"

I said, "My dad insists on measuring me every once in awhile."

He said, "Well, he must have got it wrong."

I said, "He's a carpenter. He knows how to use a tape measure."

He scoffed, "Oh no, I KNOW I'm 5'7". You must be 5'9". If I were 5'3" then Kelly here would be 5'2"."

She chipped in, "That's right. I am."

My roommate later told me that he kept bringing it up all their evening together and said he was going to get a measuring tape and bring it over to our place to prove to me that I was wrong. But he didn't get around to it before my roommate dumped his ass for being such a total loser.

posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 12:44
I'm 26 but look younger in person most of the time, my boyfriend is about a decade older.

And there's nothing I love more than going out with him and getting dirty looks, and on a couple occasions, a snide comment in the restroom, from women his age. (which it always is... never guys, never people of either gender my age or those significantly older than either of us)

Because, clearly, we have nothing in common, he's only with me becuase of my age (since, if you're in the market for a trophy girlfriend, nothing's better than the chubby goth chick with a limp and heavy scaring), and I'm only with him for his money (that he doesn't have) and my bizarre daddy issues (that I don't have).

Although it's funny... I've met the guys who are clearly only into younger women, and they're creepy as all get out.
He, on the other hand, agonized for a long time after meeting me about asking me out or not because of the age difference. (although his myspace does say he's 2" taller than he really is... which I find kind of cute. But maybe I wouldn't if I hadn't met him in person before seeing the page)
posted by kellydamnit 17 March | 12:54
I'm 5'12"

What tha...?
posted by danostuporstar 17 March | 13:02
I'm older, uglier and meaner than my husband, and if you have anything to say about it, I'll slap the shit out of you. :)
posted by taz 17 March | 13:04
I'm 6'-3"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 17 March | 13:04
Okay - I just lied about my height. I'm actually 6'-2 1/2".
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 17 March | 13:06
I'm 32 too, and with sisterhavana, though I think my expected preference is more like 5 years in either direction - 27-37. But I did meet a young looking 39 yr old a little while ago who was pretty cute (I'd have believed he was 30 though - course it was dark & I had had a drink). I guess the thing is, one's actual technical age is less important than how old one seems - so it's only "just a number" insofar as it would be an unexpected number.

And it's not an animosity against older people, but just feeling like you're with someone you are really in the same world as... I look back on my 20 yr old self with a kind of maternalistic head-shaking humor, and I won't be surprised if I feel that way about my 30-something self in another couple decades. Not that everyone develops along the same path, but I don't think it's totally random, either.

Anyway, thanks for the rant! I have a nerve profile and never hear from younger guys, but often get notes from 40-60 yr olds. And one of the first tags I was given on my consummating profile was "over_30". So I get annoyed by this too...

posted by mdn 17 March | 13:16
Nice rant. Although personally, I usually get contacted by older (40+) Canadian women when I place an ad.
It's only gonna get weirder once you get over 35...

posted by black8 17 March | 13:18
That's when I'll start posting that I'm looking for young, just in their 20-something studs who want a wealth of experience. ^_^
posted by TrishaLynn 17 March | 13:38
I'm older, uglier and meaner than my husband, and if you have anything to say about it, I'll slap the shit out of you. :)

I have this to say: that I aspire to be in your position. Slap away.

I do get messaged/approached by younger men quite frequently. Even teenagers. [Gulp.] I have no cause for complaint on that score. There *are* lots of people out there who are as open-minded as anyone could desire about these issues. I guess I've just run up against this attitude too often and it gets to me.
posted by Orange Swan 17 March | 13:38
Heh, of course I didn't mean you, swan.
posted by taz 17 March | 13:57
My general rule is probably about 5-7 years in either direction, primarily for the reasons mdn specified, about someone being in a similar place in your life as you are, that you can relate to the other person about. However, I can be pretty flexible on that rule as far as the individual is concerned - I have met some pretty messed-up, confused older people and some pretty with-it, together younger people.
posted by matildaben 17 March | 14:06
I'm only 22, so obviously I can only go so much younger than myself before it starts getting creepy and/or untenable. I've mostly been attracted to girls and women around my age, but that could just be because that's who I've been surrounded with, socially.

Not long ago I found myself extremely interested in a friend of a friend who was more than ten years my senior, and my number one celebrity crush at the moment is Mary McDonnell, who's older than my mother. (Not that I have any illusions about how little I'd have to offer someone with that much more life experience than myself.)

I guess I'm just not very picky.
posted by Zozo 17 March | 14:55
I think what might would creep me out is not being significantly older than boyfriend's kids. I've got 15 years on the older one, which seems like *just* enough (three years closer to his father's age than to his).
posted by JanetLand 17 March | 14:59
@zozo: I'm beginning to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
posted by matildaben 17 March | 15:02
Here is my age metric:

Divide your age in half and add seven. This is the acceptable lower threshold for dating. This rule only comes into effect after the age of 21.
posted by sciurus 17 March | 15:11
Yea, but do I want to date 18 year old guys? NO.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 15:14
What if he's involved in musical theater?
posted by sciurus 17 March | 15:19
Maybe. If he's a gay 18 year old musical theatre guy, then yes.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 15:20
and 6'7"
posted by sciurus 17 March | 15:22
This thread actually makes me feel better about using 36-42 in my match.com profile. I'm 41. And the only reason I'm skewing downward is because, dammit, I somehow want to manage to have a child. But this is the first time ever that I specified an age range that didn't have my age at the center.

However, something happened when I got married at 26 that was reinforced and continued to this day: my ex-wife, all my friends, and past girlfriends, with one exception, have been just about 6 years younger than me.

Although, p.s., the short guy has to own and love that he's short.

That's a bit extreme, isn't it? I don't "love" that I'm short, but I'm not insecure about it. I'm just me. From doing the online dating thing, it's underscored that the two worst "strikes against me", so to speak, are that I'm short and bald. But I never sit around being upset that I'm short, and it's never even occured to me to worry about being bald. I honestly can't remember exactly how tall I am—I tend to just think 5'6" even though I'm either a bit shorter or a bit taller. I think. And I did put 5'7" on my match.com profile hoping that it was 5'6" I was a bit over and wanting to be above a lot of women's cut-off point of 5'6".

I've only dated a woman taller than me once, she also happened to be the one person that was close to my age. She was only a couple inches taller, I think. I hardly even noticed it and I don't think she cared. My last girlfriend was attracted to me, of course, but she did mention that she prefers men to be enough taller/bigger than her that she feels a kind of overpowering when they embrace and make love. And her husband is 6'7" or something.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to date anyone more than 8 years younger than me. My relationships tend to be primarily friend-based more than sexual-based; the things which are of overriding importance to me are the kind of things you want in a close friend. Going more than 8 years younger puts someone in a range that I'm not sure I would fully be able to relate to.
posted by kmellis 17 March | 15:25
Well when I say "love", it's more about being confident about the way he looks as a whole. It's not like the guy has to sit at the table and scream, "I LOVE BEING 5'6"! WOO!", but he can't whine and complain about it either.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 15:27
Or overcompensate by being overly aggressive and macho. That's what tends to bother me about guys who are bothered about being short.
posted by occhiblu 17 March | 15:40
There are plenty of guys that are fine with being short (as I said before - i'm with one of them).

I'm interested in why there is an overwhelming majority of women who are all like "oh I just couldn't be attracted to a shorter man". Don't tell me I'm generalizing - it's true.

I'm assuming it's societal. Mostly. It pisses me off though. I've dated a lot of men that are my height or shorter than me (and I'm not that tall - 5'8") and for reals, the number of comments... (mainly by other women - "oh I couldn't ever date someone shorter than me -- don't you feel unfeminine?")

I know I'm a bit sensitive about it. But really - when people say stuff like that about your husband! to your face!

I guess height is something that's an easy target, like it's too hard to notice someone's beautiful eyes or relaxed manner or easy smile or whatever.

I'll stop now.
posted by gaspode 17 March | 16:03
Yea, gaspode, I have friends who say, I HAVE to date a guy that's taller than me, it makes me feel small and feminine. I just tease them and encourage them to stretch their boundaries. ::shrug:: More short men for me! Yaaayayayayay!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 March | 16:05
Which is of course the exact right reaction, rather than getting snappish, which is what I do.

i still think it's sexist, though
posted by gaspode 17 March | 16:08
Few things aren't.
posted by Hugh Janus 17 March | 16:19
Just say "Mr. Pode makes me feel perfectly feminine, thank you very much."
posted by matildaben 17 March | 16:23
I am 6'0, and 12 years older than my wife whom I love and adore.
posted by terrapin 17 March | 17:07
I do think maybe some of the response is "the challenge" you're presenting. By saying "no one over 40", that could be riling up a need to "prove" that they're "not like other older guys" or "they're really a catch", etc. This of course is nothing to do with you; you're just being honest, you don't want to date someone that much older. They react as if this is a personal rejection, wounding their manhood, and they have to defend themselves. I've run into this mindset many times. Could be guilt (over preferring much younger women) and insecurity (that some people think they are making themselves foolish), and selfishly, they offload it onto you. I'd compare it maybe to when people find out I'm vegetarian, I do get people (mostly men) that are very "challenged" by that, even if I just state it as fact with no discourse on it, and they get sort of .... belligerent about it. Because they think it's saying something about them? I don't know. It certainly isn't from my POV.

As to height - I do prefer taller men, a good bit taller, at least four inches or so; I wouldn't reject anyone because of height, it is what I am drawn to however. It does seem a lot of women have this preference. It's probably this societal image we're given. I remember my parents going to a company (my father's employer) party years ago - my mother wore heels - my father is maybe 1 1/2 to 2 inches taller than my mother. They had him stand on a platform next to her to take their picture so in the photo he appears noticeably taller instead of a wee bit shorter... that always struck me as weird that his company would go to such trouble over something like that! It's not as if my parents cared! - Anyway, just because one person has a preference, to comment disparagingly on someone else's SO not suiting that preference is rude, of course, and none of their business. =)
posted by Melinika 17 March | 17:20
as to the cougar thing, i've settled on calling myself a gravedigger as opposed to the cradle robber.

Ya know, I was deeply in like with mrs.pants. It's now a full blown crush.

I've always been attracted to older men. I was in my teens and found Sean Connery hot (he's 36 years older than I). My husband is 16 years older. Even with that age gap, we suit each other very well in terms of maturity, outlook on life, likes, dislikes, etc. We do joke tho', that next time he's going to be trolling high schools for a new wife.

Orange Swan, all I can say is - I'm glad I never really dated. It's a minefield out there. It's kinda sad that we all have this mental metric that we measure potential mates by, but I don't know that there's anything we can really do about it.
posted by deborah 17 March | 22:15
As soon as I got out of college and had to meet the work force, people started trying to fix me up with 'eligible' (read: single due to insuitability) older men. Older as in, say, about twelve to sixteen years older. I just assumed they figured I couldn't get guys for myself and politely (or none too politely) demurred. Too bad, too, because I do like older guys. Sexy ones, that is. And younger guys. But age is one thing, and the whole opprobrious lecherly old-man-coming-on-to-young-girl attitude is another altogether.
posted by rebirtha 18 March | 03:13
Because, clearly, ...he's only with me becuase of my age (since, if you're in the market for a trophy girlfriend, nothing's better than the chubby goth chick

Not to suggest this is at all relevant to your relationship, as obviously age is not always a factor, but on a purely physical level, it's:
young & beautiful > young & plain > old & beautiful > old & plain.
So, plenty of less attractive young people will win out over gorgeous 40 year olds, because old is old - young skin is taut and firm, old skin is thin & wrinkly; young boobs are perky, old boobs are saggy - etc. Just a fact of life and it happens to every single one of us eventually. Going through your thirties is like being your own science project, watching things change so dramatically.
posted by mdn 18 March | 09:10
My wife is 12 years younger than me. For what it's worth.
I am 6'0, and 12 years older than my wife whom I love and adore.

Third time's the charm - me too. Except I am 6'1".

I am with you on this, orange swan - in the same way that guys will make disparaging remarks about women who do not meet their physical ideal exactly, while sitting in the pub hanging their beer belly over the top of their shorts and carefully adjusting their comb-over.
posted by dg 19 March | 22:40
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