Flash back to high school. She was gorgeous. Voluptuous. Smart. Basically, my picture of the perfect woman. And, senior year, she threw herself at me. But I was too fucking naive at the time to understand what she wanted and completely blew it. To this day, I look at it as the biggest missed opportunity of my life. The fact that I'm dreaming about her 10+ years later speaks volumes.

Making it worse is the fact that she is still local. My 10 year reunion was several months ago and she was on the attendee list, without a guest listed. I figured this was my one chance to try to make right what I'd screwed up. She didn't show. Still, my reunion ended up being so much fun that I had actually forgotten completely about her until this dream.

The thing is, I'm not going to call her. I'm wise enough now to know that that was an opportunity missed, and I can guarantee she doesn't wake up from dreams about me. No, what that dream represents is an emotion that I have never in my life felt, one that it has taken me the past several weeks to identify for what it truly is: loneliness. My whole adult life, I've been so self-reliant and happy in my own company. So this is completely new to me, and I'm not dealing with it very well. I've been single now for nine months, but I was out of the dating game for so long that I'm having trouble getting started again. Not helping matters is that, while I was married, most of my friendships shifted to married people - so I have very few people to go out with. I've dabbled in the online dating thing but I'm not sure it's for me.

I'm not sure what my reasons are for this post, other than the fact that I really like you all and I know you'll understand. I'm not looking for advice or comfort. (Or am I? I dunno.) I think I just wanted to get it off my chest. I guess having identified this new emotion for what it truly is is a good first step to making it go away.

I'm not sure how to end this so I'll just stop. You guys rock.

I'm wise enough now to know that that was an opportunity missed, and I can guarantee she doesn't wake up from dreams about me.

Maybe she's thinking the same thing about you, and she would be wrong, right? It sounds like you're trying to talk yourself out of calling her by being rational. Do not overthink this. Stop being rational!

I know, you didn't ask for advice, but I'm giving it anyway. What have you got to lose, really? Call her up and ask her out for some coffee or lunch or something, to catch up on old times.

Call her, indeed. Coffee and lunch. A great line would be 'I'm sorry you didn't show at the reunion, as I was especially looking forward to seeing you.'

I can guarantee she doesn't wake up from dreams about me.
See that's the thing - you just never never know if you never never go.

I'll jump on the giving unwanted advice bandwagon too - call her. But only call her if you can handle your dream being shattered, because that is what will happen if things don't work out the way you want. How are you going to feel though, in 20 years, when you think back on how you screwed up any chance of spending the rest of your life with a girl who affects you so much you still dream about her after not seeing her for 10 years.

Call her.

Oh and, if you do call her, you have to come back and tell us what happened. For some of us, the only life we have is a vicarious one, lived through the exploits of other Mechazens.

Wow. Really? Calling her hadn't even crossed my mind. I was convinced that the dream was symbolic of my emotions, and that it really had nothing to do with her at all. I have to say that I'm a bit surprised, but since there seems to be agreement, maybe I'll have to consider it.

The dream was so vivid, but it didn't have that surreal quality that many dreams do. It seemed real. We were in the very beginning stage of the relationship, when everything is cuddles and kissies and the world is perfect. Waking up from that - having it end - was painful. I woke up half an hour before my alarm but was so shaken that I just got up. I can tell I'm going to be thinking about this all day now.

Anyway, here's a song I listened to on the way in to work. It's one of the most beautiful and melancholy songs in my collection, and perfect for my mood. I hope you like it.

And please don't hold back if you have feedback or advice to give me. I may have said I'm not looking for it but it's certainly welcomed. Especially given the fact that it appears I don't have myself as well figured out as I thought I did.

Hee. Well, that's that. I had assumed that since she didn't have a guest listed on the reunion attendee list that she wasn't attached, and so I never bothered to look at her classmates.com profile. She's married.

Bummer. I'm in a similar situation and haven't really decided what I'm going to do about it yet.

BTW, that song is wonderful! I love the sorta-sad stuff.

I have a friend that had a dream (out of the blue) about a guy she went to high school with - they didn't know each other that well back then. It was 15 years past high school, but she got in touch with him anyway. They're married now.

(BTW, re: the Classmates profile - you never know. I haven't updated mine in 5 years, and almost all the info on it is wrong now.)

You could get in touch with her anyway. Maybe she has cute single friends. ;)

(After all, when you're getting back in the dating pool, networking everywhere you can think of helps expand your options.)

Well -- it wouldn't hurt to get in touch with the girl just to say hello and maybe put the fantasy to rest, I guess -- although if she is married of course you'd need to back off.

But I completely agree with you, Mike -- that your dream was much more about you, and the feelings you want and need and would like to be having, than about any woman from the past. She's just your brain's convenient shorthand for the first flush of love and cozy companionship.

It's hard to get started dating again after a long hiatus. It's also a very different process than it was when everyone was younger; people have more complicated lives, so there's more negotiation and working-out of stuff to do.

But I'd maybe take the dream as an indication that you are ready to reach out to people for companionship. From what I've seen of the recently divorced, though, it looks as through the first couple years are a bumpy ride. You'll probably be prone to all sorts of dating fumbles, like falling too fast or not fast enough, not knowing when or whether to call it quits with someone, not knowing how much contact is too much, etc. You'll also be surprised that occasionally issues about your past relationship(s) will pop up when you least expect, and need to be dealt with. It's all different as a grownup. So if you do start to get out there, think of it as an experimental time and just try to be a good guy; so my advice would be to keep expectations in check. The thing is, you're a nice guy with a lot to give, and eventually you'll want to have someone to be close to again. It sounds like you're ready to start the trek onward.

The bonus is that you're quite likely to have those sweet moments of kisses and cuddles come back into your life.

Are you SURE that classmates is current? Honestly Mike, with all you have said, I would TOTALLY be in the "call her" camp. This is the sort of thing I think life is all about baby, you gotta get out there, and settle this thing. Can you email her from that classmates.com thing? Just say howdy?

Oh and go watch Swingers, with Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughan. Be like Mike (at the end I mean, not at the beginning).

I'm also in the call her camp because you just never know. If it matters what a random net-entity think anyways...

No no no. If she is married, don't call, do nothing. Get out and meet someone who is available.

So I'm getting a vague sense - and I could be wrong here - that you guys think I should call her.

I'm going to have to give this some thought. Other than the short time (a month?) that we hung out and I flitted along, completely unaware of her intentions and probably frustrating her to no end (ugh! sickening), we didn't spend time together. I'm hyperaware of my nostalgic tendencies and hesitate when I get a desire to look someone up. It comes off as creepy to me. Maybe I'm overthinking it, as iconomy suggests.

lf, I'm glad you liked the song. It's one of my favorites. Here are a couple more by the same band.

miko, aww. Thanks for your thoughts. It has been a long time, and there is no small amount of trepidation there. I've had two instances in the past few months where it was beyond obvious that an attractive woman wanted me to talk to her, and in both cases, I balked. And hated myself afterward. On the other hand, there was another that I approached without any hesitation at all - I'm not sure what the difference between the situations was. She said yes meaning no, but the result wasn't as important as the fact that I was confident. I just have to be able to draw on that more often.

My god, I'm long-winded today.

Do you have an e-mail for her? Just drop her a "Hey, remember me? Just wondering how you were" message. I've gotten those and it's fun. But I think I would have been weirded out by a phone call. For some reason, they seem more personal and intrusive. (Then again, I hate the phone.)

Is there anyone you saw at the reunion who could tell you if she's married?

Funny story--I didn't go to any of my reunions, but my husband did. After the 5 year, I got a call from an old friend I hadn't heard from in years. She said that she was sorry I hadn't come because she really wanted to see me. Then she said, "Remember how in love with Rossi I was back in high school? Well he was there and he looks great. I think I'm finally going to get up the nerve to call him and ask him out!"

She was so shattered when I told her I was dating him.

I agree with the happy email. Those are fun and non-threatening. Also seems a good place to start if you haven't been interacting with this woman for a while.

Seize the moment, mike!

She's married.

I am not sure if everyone picked up on that follow up you posted.

If you were over her, if you were in a committed relationship with someone else, if things were very different than they are, it would be fine to contact her. As is, with you carrying a torch for a married woman, it would be highly unwise for you to get in touch. No good can come of this.

I do tend to agree with you, LarryC, and from the beginning I thought the dream was more about me than her. As I said, I hadn't thought about her in years prior to the reunion, and then forgot about her completely during and after the reunion. It was a big fat squandered opportunity 10 years ago, but the hope is that I can take that and learn from it going forward. So far, I'm not doing so hot, but I do believe I'll come around with practice.

I don't think you should call her. I think you should go with the interpretation that the dream is a trigger to you to think about what you want out of a relationship. Good luck, friend.

I agree with LarryC and matildaben.

The only reason you'd have to contact her would be if you're torturing yourself with the fantasy that she's available and need to put it to rest in order to move on. Sorry, true romantics; sure, it might have worked out like a fairy tale, stranger things have happened, and I've got no crystal ball; but the odds are infinitesimal and we don't want our Mike getting hurt. Best to stay solidly in reality-land rather than fantasyland.

Your initial read on the dream was spot-on. Go forth and date!

I think you should go back to sleep.

Dammit, you ladies (and LarryC) are wise. I guess I can see your point about the contact LarryC. I do think that if she is single, that contact is cool though.

I think I am projecting a bit, and wondering what I would do in that situation. I too had a tendency to have NO IDEA that a girl was interested in me, and now that I am older and more mature, if I had the opportunity to follow up on such a thing (with a single woman) I think I would.

But, yeah, I can see miko and matildaben's points. Still, go watch Swingers though.

(I had to edit out about a hundred commas in that comment. What is it with me and commas these days?

Listen to Larry and mats - they nailed it. And good luck in finding what/who you want, (((mike))).

I appreciate everyone's thoughts - you guys rule. Despite how I thought this would haunt my thoughts all day, I was actually relatively upbeat today.

Heh, I was just reminded of something that still makes me chuckle. My mom actually said to me, "Wow. Dream Girl is hot." She didn't often make comments like that ("hot", as opposed to "pretty") so it stuck in my memory.