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03 March 2006
Make up fake AskMetafilter answers... →[More:]Go see a doctor. And a lawyer. And a therapist. And a welder. Now! IANADOALOATOAW
I did this a few months ago. You have to be careful when screwing into the fish, because the flesh tears easily. I found that the judicious use of a skewer helped tremendously. Washers too. If you start screwing from within the fish, it'll look a lot more pleasant. You'll find that it starts to smell a few hours afterwards, so you'll want to seal it up after you've finished.
Well, you really don't want to jump the gun, so to speak. Try some castor oil first, and increase the amount of exercise you get daily. Don't even think about pliers unless you're truly desperate, and then make sure to use needlenose. Explosives are just not a good idea.
This will piss a lot of other MeFits off, but I have absolutely no experience with the topic of your question. In fact, I don't even know anyone who has, and I've never given your question topic a moment's thought. I'm emotionally immature, arrogant, and hypersensitive.
But I don't intend to let any of that stop me from posting a flailing attempt at an answer in a belligerent and obnoxious tone! And responding in the same style to anyone who doesn't agree with me! And when their answer has soundly whipped my own, I will fail to realize it! So suck it, haters.
it is good that you are asking a nquestion about investments on the ask metafiltercom, because it happens that i need assistance in resolving a matter. i am needing some funds transferred out of my country- monies equalling US$40,000,000. in exchange of your accomodating services, we would agree to allow you to retain 10%, or US$4 million, of that amuont. if you are interested, please contact me through my metafiltar profile, or email me at nigeriancentralbank004@yahoo.com.
Will the rest of you stop jumping to conclusions? This is obviously a person in great emotional pain. Look, OP, you need to take a deep breath, relax, maybe have a drink, but not too many. Take a weekend for yourself, do something you used to love, buy a dog, rent a hooker. Trust me, it will all work out in the end, and you will be a better person for having been through this.
Ok, this is important. When he wakes up, you need to be ready with the tranq gun- shoot him twice in the side. Any more and you might kill him, and I don't want to have to give you legal advice in a week. (IANAL) Any less and he'll just be groggy and not go under.
When he's out again, put him in a large metal barrel headfirst. Make sure the toxic waste is at least mostly drained out! Toss the barrel into the back of your pickup. (Gently!) When you get to the wharf, open the lid and add two pounds of fish. This should keep him alive for at least a couple days. He shouldn't be awake yet when you put the fish in, but if he is smack him in the ankle a few times with a drywall hammer. It will heal in about a month once you let him back into the wild. Make sure there are air holes drilled in the lid!
I see from your profile you're from Minnesota, so make the drive to the Hudson River. Make sure you get a calzone from Louie's while you're there! Avoid the police and the Jews, they'll give you a lot of trouble.
Now, if you dump the barrel in on the Jersey side, you'll get a tax deduction. (IANAA) However, state law prohibits the import of more than seventy-three cases of toothpaste at once, so you'll have to be careful and not leave that out in the open. But if you follow all of my advice, you'll be perfectly fine. Let us know how it goes!
Here's what you should do about your legal problem. I am a lawyer but the detailed legal advice I gave to you is not, in fact, legal advice -- even though it is because I'm a lawyer -- but it's not because I don't want to be sued for giving you legal advice that goes horribly horribly wrong, even though I've just given you that advice anyway.
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