There's a woman who likes the Beatles so much that she gets John Lennon's face tattooed on her inner right thigh and Paul McCartney on her left. But when the tatto artist is done, she's dissatisfied with the results.

"This dosen't look anything like them," she says.
"Yes, it does," the tatooist answers.

They go back and forth for awhile and finally the tatooist suggests the find an impartial observer. They walk out on the street and find a wino. The girl lifts her skirts and the tattooist points.

"Does that look like John Lennon?"
"I dunno."
"Well, does that look like Paul McCartney?"
"I dunno, but that guy in the middle with the beard and the bad breath, that's gotta be Willie Nelson."

Yeti.

A three-legged dog limps into a bar and shouts, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw!"

(sure, it's corny as hell, but I roll every time i hear it.)

Alternate:

What's the dif btw a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes Whack! Damn! and the other goes Damn! Whack!

2nd Alternate:

What's the dif btw a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?

The position of the dirtbag.

Enjoy!

A baby seal walks into a club.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it could be done.

Two pangolins walk into a bar.

Second one really should've seen it coming.

this is my current fav:

Knock Knock
-who's there
David Lee Roth
-david lee roth who?
That's showbusiness!

Tasteless I know, but ...

What's the difference between a group of pygmies and the UCLA women's track team?

One's a pack of cunning runts.

Also, why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
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fo' drizzle.

What's brown and sticky?

***WARNING: MATHS JOKE ***

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?

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You can't cross a scalar and a vector

Sorry.

A stick!

Best joke ever, imo.

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Woolworths supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

A few years ago there was a thread on MetaFilter with about a hundred jokes in it. I remember they were really good. But I can't find it! Argh.

So, you want to hear a dirty joke?










The farmer's horse fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?










The farmer washed it off.

I know thousands of jokes for every occasion. What are you looking for?

The biggest laughs usually come from tension and over-stepping lines.

That's why there are so many un-PC jokes such as:

How can you tell when a kid is half black and half Polish? He is running down the street with your bike under his arm.

That jokes plays on two generalizations which are unfair and un-pc. But its not only race that works:

Why haven't we sent any women to the moon? It doesn't need any cleaning yet.

People know thinking that way is patently wrong, but that is why they laugh.

Of course, crude works, as well:

Whats the worst part of going down on your grandmother? Banging your head on the coffin.

That's crude. So is this one:

Guy goes into the pharmacist and says "I need birth control for my 12 year old daughter." "Your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?" "No. She just lays there like her mother."

Of course, there are cleaner jokes (I call them "Dad jokes"), but they never get as good laughs.

And then there are narrative jokes which are longer (like growabrain). If you like those, I can tell you some good ones that always get laughs.

But jokes require good delivery and associative thinking. Get a repertoire going, and master their delivery. After a while, jokes are easier to remember because they all really riffs on the same things.

So this baby polar bear goes to his father and says "Pops, am I a polar bear?"

And the father says "Darn tootin' son o' mine, a ginuine seal killin' polaroonie."

and the kid says ok and wanders off. About an hour later he ask the father again "Dad, are you sure I'm really a polar bear?"

and the dad is a little annoyed but he says, "yeah son, you're a polar bear." So the son says ok and wanders off. About an hour later he finds his mom and says, "mom am I a polar bear?" and the dad hears him and rushes over, pissed and says "For the last time son, yes, you are a polar bear. Why do you keep asking that?"

and the son says "Because I'm fucking freezing!"

So two sausages are laying in a pan and the one sausage turns to the other sausage and says "is it me or is it getting hot in here?"

and the other sausage says "Holy shit, a talking sausage."

And then there are narrative jokes which are longer (like growabrain). If you like those, I can tell you some good ones that always get laughs.

Oh, please do. Narrative jokes are great for telling at bars. And I'll admit, LT, that I never fail to smile at the three-legged dog joke.

There was an AskMe joke thread only a couple of months ago, and it was excellent. I think it was specifically for 'clean' jokes, but it strayed...and there were some excellent ones.

I have a bevy of good jokes, but they're all long and I don't want to type them. I'll have to save them for a meetup.

jrun!!! Where ya been, man!?


C'mon, it's funny because it's true.

What's a non sequitur?






Is this a setup for a joke?

What's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?


One's a snack cracker . . .

/told to my by my former roommate, a militant lesbian