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22 February 2006

Will someone read me a story? [More:]Sick home with a cold, and feeling bleah. Would appreciate a nice story, anecdote, tale or fabulation.

Failing that, a nice tuck-in to bed would suffice.
The Headsman's Tale (PDF).

Sorry I don't have time to read it to you, so you'll have to read it out loud to yourself.
posted by warbaby 22 February | 18:36
I wrote this poem a few years ago. Now put on your socks and hop into bed.

Smober the Sock Goblin

Smober the Sock Goblin lives under your stairs
if your home doesn’t have them still he is there.
He’s clammy and dusty and a little bit mad
not angry - but crazy - and little bit bad.

When Smober the Sock Goblin comes out to eat
he crosses the floor with slapping bare feet.
He goes to the dryer and opens it wide
then stands on his tiptoes and peers deep inside.

Then Smober the Sock Goblin begins to drool
and gets a gleam in his eye that is terribly cruel.
In he reaches and steals every left sock
and takes them all home to cook in his crock.

Smober the Sock Goblin stews them in oil
and dances a jig as he watches them boil.
When he is sure that they are quite done
He slops them out on a dryer lint bun.

He gives his sharp teeth a little black lick
He gulps down those socks quick quick quick.
That’s where the socks go - if you even care -
Smober the Sock Goblin eats half the pair!
posted by sciurus 22 February | 18:39
I was trying to remember the word ephebophilia (=sexual attraction to adolescents) and came across, this, er, interesting list...

acrotomophilia: sexual attraction to amputees
coprophilia: sexual attraction to feces
dendrophilia: sexual arousal from trees
emetophilia: sexual attraction to vomit
ephebophilia: sexual attraction to adolescents
galactophilia: sexual attraction to human milk or lactating women
gerontophilia: sexual attraction to the aged
hematolagnia: sexual attraction to blood
hybristophilia: sexual arousal by people who have committed crimes, in particular cruel or outrageous crimes
klismaphilia: sexual pleasure from enemas
maiesiophilia: sexual attraction to childbirth or pregnant women
mysophilia: sexual attraction to foul or decaying material
pictophilia: inability to become sexually aroused except through the use of pictorial pornography
plushophilia: sexual attraction to stuffed toys
infantilism: sexual pleasure from dressing, acting, or being treated as a baby
scotophilia: sexual attraction to darkness
sitophilia: sexual arousal from food
xylophilia: sexual attraction to wood
posted by porpoise 22 February | 18:50
Darkness? Okay - that one I don't get.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 22 February | 18:53
Wood? Heh heh.

I definitely got some sitophilia goin' on.
posted by Specklet 22 February | 18:55
xylophilia: sexual attraction to wood

wood gives em wood, huh? I just picture these people watching Norm Abram's old yankee workshop with a box of kleenex.
posted by jonmc 22 February | 19:02
acrotomophilia: sexual attraction to amputees


OK, that reminds me of a funny story.
And by funny, I mean scary for me, funny for everyone else.

Way back when, after my bad car wreck, when I was still in traction in the hospital and all that, an acquaintance of mine kept visiting me. At the time I thought it was very sweet, given that I was bored and lonely, even though we had never been close.

Come to find out, many months later, his porn stash was nothing but medical fetish stuff, amputees, and chicks in traction and casts.
posted by kellydamnit 22 February | 19:13
Eeeeee creeeeepy!
posted by Specklet 22 February | 19:15
Wow, you're right. That was funny for me!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 22 February | 19:19
Oh, and LT, I'd like to read you The Amazing Bone. No, really.
posted by Specklet 22 February | 19:21
I once had dated/porked a girl that only had one hand. She was smoking hot other than that.
posted by sciurus 22 February | 19:22
1.5hr episode of the twilight zone radio show off my site with a load of (techno'y) music spliced in if that's any help.

My next project will be something along similar lines, but you'll be well then i hope.

Get well soon.
posted by urbanwhaleshark 22 February | 19:27
A story.
posted by krix 22 February | 19:33
Specklet - are you hinting that I should cook for you?

sciurus - did she have a claw? What kind?
posted by porpoise 22 February | 22:19
Nice story, Krix. In my heart of hearts, the Jackal is me and the Alligator is my live-in, monosyllabic landlord.

"Scary one, scary one, dent-a-dent-a-dent!/
all you ever talk about is when you'll get the rent!"
posted by Lipstick Thespian 22 February | 22:25
No, no claw, just an undeveloped hand. Her mom was really old when she was born. Stuff like that happens more frequently the older the ovum is.
posted by sciurus 23 February | 07:16
Darkness? Okay - that one I don't get.


That's the only one I do get.
posted by rainbaby 23 February | 08:38
sciurus! You really should try to get that published.
posted by deborah 23 February | 13:54
Thanks deborah. I really should start writing for children again.
posted by sciurus 23 February | 14:19
MAYHEM! || I'm legally prevented

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