MetaChat - Help! My parents are pimping me out!

MetaChat is an informal place for MeFites to touch base and post, discuss and chatter about topics that may not belong on MetaFilter. Questions? Check the FAQ. Please note: This is important.

16 February 2006

Help! My parents are pimping me out! →[More:]After yet another night alone, drowning my misery in the bottom of beer bottles and marking off the days until my flight back to the States, I've stumbled back home tonight to be informed that, surprise! I have three blind dates lined up for this weekend. This is despite my earlier protests that yes, I do in fact prefer Western women with whom I can share dick-and-fart jokes in English and goddammit, please stop staring at me as if I had just started spouting gibberish. Being from a very conservative culture and since these dates were arranged by mutual parents, sex would be, of course, strictly verboten, so there's not even any silver lining there. Craptastic. I can't wait until I get old enough to turn from "eligible bachelor" into "probably gay".

The last straw was being told that "if things go well with any of them, maybe we can reschedule your flight back for a few more weeks!" (OH GOD NO) Now, I'm sure that these are very pretty and nice ladies and all (and I do feel a bit sorry for them, especially since I'm supposed to be the catch that they're all competing for), but I'm just a teensy bit annoyed to have been "volunteered" for this, and I'm certain that I'll wind up taking out my misogynistic resentment on the poor things being led to the slaughter. Therefore, as an act of mercy for both sides: can anyone help me come up with some "culturally sensitive" ways of prematurely ending these dates so that I can escape with my sanity intact? So far I've come up with:

a) What's that perfume you're wearing? "Desperately need husband?" I'm sorry, I'm allergic to that one.
b) Se hablo espanol?
c) Do you have a penis? I love penises!
d) __________

post by: DaShiv at: 11:50 | 13 comments

Hee hee hee - I think you need to speed up that timetable: turning from eligible bachelor to probably gay. Therefore, I advise you to go forth, my friend, and flame.
"I love that dress! I have one almost like it."

posted by mygothlaundry 16 February | 11:56

Tell her all about the Parisian whore who taught you to love and then broke your heart and left you cold and lonely and just looking for someone who reminds you a little of her.

Then tell her she has the same eyes as the whore and you wonder if she's a moaner, too.

posted by Hugh Janus 16 February | 11:59

Explain your situation to your dates first thing and just have a relaxing evening talking about art or something with them, is what I'd do.

posted by By the Grace of God 16 February | 12:04

god nails it.

If LOST taught me anything (besides how not to carry dynamite), it's that the ladies are probably just as pressured to be there as you are.

posted by matildaben 16 February | 12:07

For goodness sake, don't take it out on these poor lambs.

It could be worse, some people's parents set them up for events involving glossolalia or adult circumcision.

Take them shopping for a pet rabbit so they have something to remember you by.

posted by warbaby 16 February | 12:32

Poor DaShiv. :(

posted by occhiblu 16 February | 12:39

Whip it out.

And start singing Judy Garland tunes.

posted by orthogonality 16 February | 12:46

Pretend you're taking your cousin out on a date. These girls don't deserve to be mixed up in what is a problem between you and your parents. So be noble about it, show them a good time, and reserve your judgement for your folks.

posted by furtive 16 February | 12:46

Mock the situation. Mock arranged marriages, mock the 'rents conservative values, mock the dating itself.

If they mock with you, you can be friends. If they take offence, there's obviously no point in continuing the date, and you can both bugger off to do something more fun.

posted by Five Fresh Fish 16 February | 12:59

You should wrangle it so that your parents pick up the tab for the dates - that way, you can have all the Guiness you want and can get your dates pretty smashed, too. Plus, your parents won't notice that ferrari purchase until the credit card bill comes back next month.

posted by ooga_booga 16 February | 13:05

Three dates? I guess it all depends on your own personal romantic success level, but three dates doesn't sound bad at all. Can I switch places with you?

posted by King of Prontopia 16 February | 13:41

Just roll with it. One of them may surprise you.

posted by jrossi4r 16 February | 14:02

Well now that I've slept myself sober again -- damn, I have a mean streak a mile wide after I've been drinking.

Thanks, everyone, especially those of you who made me laugh about this. I guess I was just pissed off at being ambushed last night, and therefore needed to write something cathartic. I know that the Right Thing (TM) to do on these dates is to act genial while being firm on my thoughts about the situation, show the women a good time on my parent's tab (Me? Have the disposable income to carouse women in a foreign city? Ha!), and try to not to look at my watch too damn much. The whole situation still riles me though, and I'm reminded yet again of why I appreciate my family much better when I'm living alone, far away from them.

Can't wait to get home!

posted by DaShiv 16 February | 20:39

← My adventure with British Bureaucracy: || 'My Name Is Sue! How Do You Do?!' →

HOME || REGISTER || LOGIN