MetaChat - I'm about to drop the gloves

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01 February 2006

I'm about to drop the gloves and get into a fight.→[More:]
I find it hard to explain, because I'm a better man than this, but for months my coworker's been sending incomplete or sloppy reports my way and getting obtuse when I ask him to clean things up. I'm the shithead temp, though, so I carry no real weight.

Today things are far messier than usual, plus some specific things that I've addressed with him in the past are obviously, willfully wrong. It is an affront.

I don't feel like talking to him. I feel like pulling his jersey up over his head and whacking him against the boards until his skates give out under him, the son of a bitch.

post by: Hugh Janus at: 09:43 | 22 comments

I don't want to have to put you in the penalty box, so don't resort to violence. Unless you can get away with it, that is.

posted by iconomy 01 February | 09:46

Violence won't solve all your problems, but that doesn't mean it won't solve some of your problems.

posted by Capn 01 February | 09:48

Grass him up to the boss.

posted by essexjan 01 February | 09:54

TO THE BOX TO THE BOX TO THE BOX TO THE BOX
LOOOOOOOOOOSER!!!

HEY JANUS, I BET THAT'S THE MOST BOX YOU'VE SEEN IN AWHILE!

/goon squad

posted by sciurus 01 February | 09:59

Document, document, document. Report, report, report.

Then kick the crap out of him in the alley.

posted by warbaby 01 February | 10:00

Give him the manson lamps for about 20 seconds then turtle that motherfucker bigtime.

Seriously I don't have any idea what to do, personally I would probably get into a big shouting match with him and not help my own cause.

I do think it would be awesome to have a real fistfight in a real office, just watercoolers getting knocked over and piles of paper flying around and that. I once watched to over hormoned beefy ex-boileroom stockmarket hustlers square off in an inside sales pit, but it was squashed before I could lay a bet or get my cigar lit.

posted by Divine_Wino 01 February | 10:12

overhormone-d!

posted by Divine_Wino 01 February | 10:45

Not in the workplace. Go drinking with him, get both of you plowed and then sucker-punch him and stomp his ribs.

Let DW come along so he can have his cigar and get some bets down.

But not in the workplace, as satisfying as that would be.

posted by warbaby 01 February | 10:46

Yes,
As much as I want to roll up my sleeves and push my fedora to the back of my head as I generate a Rye flopsweat off my forehead and lay a couple sawbucks on the kid with the curls, don't fight in the office. Such disclaimers are implicit in all bad advice that I give. Do not do what I just told you to do says the wino.

posted by Divine_Wino 01 February | 10:51

By the sounds of it, if I was the ref, I'd give the other guy 2 minutes for instigating and a 10 minute misconduct for ~~unsportsmanlike~~ unprofessional conduct on top of the 5 for "fighting."

posted by porpoise 01 February | 11:25

Mind you, it is a fun and distracting exercise to imagine how all of one's cow-orkers would react, if the doors were barred and the poop went down. Thunderdome!

Now I'm looking around my desk for weapons. I'm thinking the monitors would be the most deadly, but the pole from the coat-rack would be the most effective.

posted by Capn 01 February | 11:26

You could be more subtle about it. Maybe slew-foot him in the copy room and then look around with that "who, me?" expression.

posted by goatdog 01 February | 12:03

My good advice is to walk over to him while he's seated, preferably at his desk, then say, "This is from The Guys," and then give him a modestly painful wedgie before walking away.

And when you say who it's from, say it like he'll know exactly who you're talking about -- like he's in on the joke too.

posted by mcgraw 01 February | 12:18

Gaslighting: I once totally unnerved an obnoxious co-worker by smuggling a BB gun into the workplace. Whenever he was gone and I was unobserved, I'd shoot a BB into the wall more or less where his head would be. This went on for many weeks until he finally discovered the tight cluster of BBs embedded in the plaster. By that time, I had disappeared the BB gun and was all innocent and unknowing.

The slowly dawning moment of recognition is a key element in this sort of Psywar.

posted by warbaby 01 February | 13:01

That's it, I'm bringing in throwing stars tomorrow.

posted by Hugh Janus 01 February | 13:38

OfficeGuns

posted by porpoise 01 February | 14:26

I was going to suggest shuriken -- they seem to match Hugh's style.

posted by warbaby 01 February | 14:50

I was going to suggest a blowgun, but tha's just because when all you have is a blowgun, everything starts looking like a howler monkey.

posted by Divine_Wino 01 February | 15:19

I really should have something I can stab him with over and over and over again until I get the feeling he's not listening anymore.

Hey, I'm just kidding, corporate nanny!

posted by Hugh Janus 01 February | 16:17

Things you could do:

Piss in his coffee.
Have an affair with his wife.
Paint the word "FuckHead" on his car.
Photoshop him into a compromising situation and Block email everyone in the office.
Fill his computers website cache up with "terrorist" documents and call the feds on him.

Also,
Bitch about him to anyone who'll listen. Shit Sticks.

posted by seanyboy 01 February | 16:47

If the company has a strict drugs policy then give him cakes laced with small amounts of narcotics. Not so much that he'd notice. Keep it up for a while. Then anonymously report that you saw him doing said narcotics in the office. Any drug test they make him do will show up as positive.

posted by seanyboy 01 February | 16:52

Paint the word "FuckHead" on his car.

I support that one. Better yet, acid etch it into the hood of the car, so that even if it get's painted over, it's still be there a little.

Actually all cars should say fuckhead. Fax your congressman!

posted by Divine_Wino 01 February | 16:53

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