My head is a crucible of sinus pain. Have tried 3 different drug combos; no effect. This cold is goddamn impressive. Each stage has been exemplary.

my hangover.

mainly because I didn't drink nearly enough to deserve it.

It's late afternoon here. I'm missing George, my partner, who died a couple of months ago. Life goes on, I know that, but on a day like today I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. He was The One (I'd waited for all my life).

Oh essexjan. I'm sorry I haven't thought to ask how you're holding up. I can't imagine what you're going through. I send many hugs and forehead kisses your way.

Thanks. Most days are ok if I keep busy. But grief has a tendency to blindside you - the other day it was the smell of Head & Shoulders as I washed my hair. I've used it lots of times since he died, but that particular day, it got to me and I found myself howling in the shower.

Saturday night used to be 'date night' for us - me in the UK and him in Ohio. 11pm for me, 6pm for him, we'd both tune into WOUB, me on the net, him on his old radio, we'd talk on the phone (I have a cheap US call plan) and we'd both eat the same thing for dinner as if we were sitting across the table from each other.

Those are tough feelings, essexjan. Just let them come as they will. There is no requirement for you to feel any differently.

Big hug.

I'm unhappy, nay, pissed, this morning. The reason is my place of employment. I checked my bank account status online this morning, and lo and behold, my paycheck from last week bounced like a hyperactive kid on a trampoline. And, of course, the available balance in my account is $20 less than the rent check I handed over earlier this week. The rent check hasn't shown up on my account yet, so I rushed to the bank this morning and deposited all the cash I had on hand, along with my current paycheck (God, who knows if that one's gonna bounce as well). The teller assured me that the cash I put in will be available immediately, so that my rent check won't bounce as well.

I hope to God he's right. The last thing I wanna deal with right now is bounced checks.

But I'm listening to some Springsteen, and I feel a little less angry now. He's great that way.

Oh Jan, I wonder about how you're holding up everytime I see a post from you. And I thought about George last night while I was slicing mushrooms for my dinner -- I reckon I'll always remember that wonderful story you told about him carrying that man up the hill to pick mushrooms one last time. I'm glad to hear you're keeping busy, and also glad that you're letting the grief come as it will.

Another big hug.

I'm learning not to feel guilty if I find something to laugh about. The last thing George would have wanted is for me to be in sackcloth and ashes.

As I'm typing this, I can hear the guy in the flat upstairs arguing with some woman - really horrible arguing where neither of them is listening to the other and they're just shouting accusations at each other. Ugh!

I wouldn't swap my 18 months with George for a lifetime of that kind of so-called relationship.

I wouldn't swap my 18 months with George for a lifetime of that kind of so-called relationship.

You're very wise, essexjan.

: >

I was going to complain about having chapped lips and not being able to find the chapstick, but it seems kind of petty now.

Sending good thoughts your way, essexjan.

don't let jan's stuff stop all of you (but it does put things into perspective)--it's not right to separate her out like that (that kind of thing always happens with grief, i find--the person gets set apart and it's not good).

this has made me unhappy today---Gabriel Garcia Marquez has stopped writing

that there isn't enough time in a day.

amberglow: that's terrible news indeed. I'd gladly take a "second-rate" work from Gabriel Garcia Marquez over the best of so many other authors.