Well, since you all asked how I was doing... So, I went to my ex husband's memorial service today. →[More:]His best friend went with me, when I found out I could go I thought about it and then realized I wanted to make sure I could bring her. She was his best friend, she knew him longer than I did, and deserved to be there.
She and I were the only people there not in the family, besides his girlfriend.
His girlfriend sat up front, by his parents. We were in the back row. Personally, seeing as how she was with him up to the last day of his life, and he and I hadn't even spoken more than a couple times in the last six or seven months, it seemed like that was the right way to do things.
I talked to her briefly after the service. I know she was uncomfortable about talking to me, since they were involved when he and I were still together. I just wanted to make sure she knew I wasn't holding it against her or anything. She was a wreck, and blamed herself. Apparently painkillers he had been given for his back caused the OD when he tried to take extra to get high, perhaps combined with his anxeity meds or something. She blamed herself for not preventing him from getting the painkillers.

I told her about how, for the last year or so we were together, he was getting "injured" left and right, and seeing tons of different doctors, trying to get them to perscribe something. The only reason he didn't get them is because I knew he was just feeding his addiction and wouldn't fill the scripts or told the doctors why he couldn't take them.

So, I hope she feels a little less responsable in that regard.

Right now... I feel odd. I really felt like I bonded with his girlfriend because we were both in a similar odd position. She was with him emotionally and literally, but not legally. I was with him legally, but not emotionally or literally. So we were both in an odd grey area.

I feel better for going. I know he was never happy in this life. He was always trying to find something else, through music, drugs, religion, anything. He could never fill that void. And I hope he now has peace.

The service was not what I would have done. He would have wanted something huge, elaborate, and over the top. He would have wanted to be buried with his guitar, a bottle of Jack, and his leather jacket. He would have wanted tons and tons of people there. He had finished his conversion to Judiasm, and was still religious, according to his girlfriend and best friend. They had him cremated, a tiny service with just family. AND A MINISTER. They got a minister, who talked about Jesus the whole time, for a Jewish guy. And yes, the minister talked about when he had been "saved," but he said what year.
1988.
When he was seven.
Personally, I would say a major religious choice made in someone's 20s has far more vaildity than one made between watching saturday morning cartoons while in the second grade.

However, they did have some good pictures on display, including the one from when he met Vince Neil, and a few from when he was performing, and had his favorite guitar there as well. I think he would have liked that a lot.

The three of us also realized there was no way it could have been intentional, since we all agreed he would have done it differently. And he would have left a note. Of that I have no doubt.

Got food and went to a year round halloween store after. Then I went to Sam's CLub with the boyfriend and his roommates. Now they are cooking, and I am typing since I can smoke in his room, and because I wanted to get this all out while it was still fresh in my mind .