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07 December 2005
Can I start a fire using a stapler? I'm at work for three more hours. I have no lighter. I need a cigarette. All the other offices close at 5.
In 20 minutes, my window of opportunity for smoking will be gone.
How can I light a cigarette? Help. Give me some MacGyver ideas. I may die.
No other smokers in building, they go home at 5. Caught a ride in to work today, no car lighter. Co-worker refuses to support my habit by allowing use of car lighter. Kitchen has microwave and vending machines only.
Canabalise a computer and remove the piezoelectric crystal. Attach staples and compress in the hinge of your stapler to create a spark.
Shred a paper towel (in the company shredder) and place above the sparking lighter. Add Anything that is highly combustible.
Also... Find the Company UPS and hawk it downstairs. connect cables and the wire from inside a lightbulb. Place lightbulb wire in tippex remover, or insides of alcohol based dry wipe pens. Connect to power.
Warning: Don't try these at all. They will only work on television.
I'm on the second floor. I'd be carrying a flaming paper towel across two floors...I'm thinking some alarm would sound.
Dammit modern boy, how do you think your nomadic Neolithic ancestors transported fire?
You put the smoldering paper in a cup. You mostly cover the cup, allowing only a trickle of oxygen it. Smoldering, not burning. You carry it outside, and then slowly and gently feed the fire.
And then you thrust it in the face of those poor stupid Neadertals.
Ah, sorry to hear that. That's why I keep an extra lighter and matches in my drawer at work and another set in my black wrinkled leathery man bag soft briefcase.
Au contraire. This may be your chance to not smoke that cigarette, which in turn may be your chance to quit smoking entirely, which in turn may save you from a painful, expensive, cancerous death!
Mind, you'll only be hit by a bus instead, so maybe you should have that last smoke.
To follow up, I waited and waited and tried not to rip my coworker's throat out. Eventually, quitting time came, and my friend came to pick me up. We smoked in the rain (he has a new car, no smoking allowed). It was heaven.
Tobacco is a dirty weed.
... I like it.
It satisfies no normal need.
... I like it.
It makes you thin, it makes you lean,
It takes the hair right off your bean.
It's the worst darn stuff I've ever seen.
... I like it.
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