To avoid any disappointment, I should add that this is not a fake question and my lack of any SO, sight-impaired or not, precludes any activities that could lead to pregnancy.

I'm sorry. All I have are snarky/kinky suggestions.

Actually, I'd see what good ole' Martha Stewart would have to say about it.

Give it to me!

Or you could brine it.

Anywhere it wants to!

No wait, wrong riddle. Do you have one of the old standby basic cookbooks (Betty Crocker, Better Homes, New Basics, etc.)? One of thoses should have good simple "how the heck do I cook this thing?" instructions. Dunno if I'd get too adventurous with my first big bird.

PST, it doesn't have to be something traditional even. I'm just a little overwhelmed with it is all. It's a big freakin' bird, you know? I'd hoped to make it back up North for Turkey Day, now I'll be here and having gone from 8 possible plans to none at all, but a huge bird in my fridge, I'm drawing blanks.

And, kenko, are you covered for Thanksgiving? You're welcome to turkey at Chez Fris. Whatever form that turns out be in.

DO NOT MAKE TURKEY CERVICHE!

Oh. Well, fuck it, then.

Oh. Well, fuck it, then.

PLEASE POST PICTURES!

I'd hoped to make it back up North for Turkey Day,

Shoot, that would have been awesome, because I'm having a big Specklet potluck!

For turkey advice: preparing, temperature taking (quashing the instinct for more kink here), timing, breast-down (unlike jonmc's grandma), Turkish (duh), a couple other recipies, or just Martha.

#1 hint: if it's frozen, you need to put it in the fridge to defrost on Wednesday afternoon. And it ideally should be room temp by the time you stick it in the oven.

What do I do with a 20 pound bird?

you could throw it down the stairs, if trailers had stairs.

If the turkey really is a plan-destroying white elephant, I really will take it off your hands; I've got no particular plans, myself.

Have an orphans' Thanksgiving!

Basically, ask around work and among your neighbors "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" and whoever else's plans fell through, or who can't manage travel home, or don't have close family, spends the holiday with you! Everyone brings something and you make the bird.

We've done this every year since school, and this is the first year we're not, and I already miss it.

To cook: get tips and recipes from Cook's Illustrated and Alton Brown. With leftovers: if there's a ton, I'd make several turkey quiches and freeze a few if you've got room in your freezer.

If you can't gather a group and don't want to freeze or prepare it, I'd suggest donating it to a food pantry right now, so that some other folks can get it in time for the holiday.

(PS: I'm sorry your plans went south and hope whatever you do -- spontaneous orphans or solo take-out -- you are happy. In any case, having lots of red wine, cartoons, and good movies on hand does wonders for the mood (my favorite post-turkey ever was watching Rock n Roll Highschool, but anything Nick Park or Preston Sturgess is good too.)

Stuff it. Cook it. Eat it. Roll over with your feet in the air and say "I'm so full." Half an hour later, ask "Who wants seconds?"

Put the word out. I'm sure there will be plenty of volunteers to demolish the spread. Lot of happy suggestions here.

Fris - rub it down with 2 sticks of butter, stuff it, cover it with tinfoil, and throw it in the oven until it's cooked (look that up on the internet - around 4.5 hours maybe?). It's the easiest, tastiest turkey ever. Leftovers make good sandwiches and stews.

Hey Fris - sorry to hear that your plans didn't pan out. My hosts for Turkey day have said it would be okay if I brought a friend, so if you want in, just give me a buzz - I think you have my number.
As for *your* turkey, there's a very educational Mr. Bean episode... I got nuthin'

you could rescue people with it.

Look at Joy of Cooking under roasting fowl - they're basic and straightforward. I brine mine first; overnight in a bucket on the back porch. Yup, we is tough around these here parts. ;-) Then I rub it with butter & olive oil & sprinkle it with lots of salt & pepper & sage & rosemary, stuff it, put chopped celery & onions & garlic & more butter around it in the roasting pan, cover the breast with a piece of cheesecloth & stick it in a preheated 375 oven which I immediately then turn down to 325. I forget the timing exactly but I think a 20 lb bird is like 5 - 6 hours? Meanwhile, I put the giblets in a saucepan with water & garlic & onion & more butter (Thanksgiving Time is Butter Soaked Coronary Time chez gothlaundry) and use that to baste it & keep the cheesecloth soaked. Cheesecloth comes off an hour before it's done; that keeps the breast from being overcooked & drying out. Hee hee, I have a working stove for the first time in over a week & I'm going to blog the whole thanksgiving dinner prep obsessively.

Also & btw, not that any of you are nearby, but if you feel like the trek, the nteenth annual (we've lost track) Thanksgiving for Waifs, Orphans and Strays is taking place here on Thursday around 4is/5ish, as it does every Thanksgiving, and everyone is welcome & you don't have to RSVP but you should bring beverages.

O Distance! Why must you mock me so?

*goes back to cooking pasta*

Donate it to a local soup kitchen. They can always use a big fat turkey.

Damn, mygothlaundry, that sounds like one hell of a good turkey.

Oh, you guys are great! Thanks for all of the suggestions. My thought was to find a unique way to prepare the turkey as a sort of replacement activity for going home (since that's been summarily ruled out) for the holiday.

As it stands, there are too many other conflicts/variables for me to feel comfortable hosting anything on such short notice, so, much as I'd love to do it, an orphan's event is out of the question.

But, great stuff and thanks!

[DaShiv, why are you all the way over there? That's just nuts.]

Awww. Ikkyu2 and I were just talking last night about wanting to eat your turkey. And we weren't even being euphemistic.

I'd bring a pie...

Erf. *scratches head*

Lemme think about it. One conflict may have resolved itself. Can you get here?

Yes, but please—don't trouble yourself on my account.