MetaChat - Jonmc says this is the best sweet treat ever made.

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15 November 2005

Jonmc says this is the best sweet treat ever made. So, I ask him what's so great about Valomilk?

Also, Jonmc, are those gummi teeth actually good? Or akin to Wax Lips which were allegedly edible. Sure you could eat them but they taste like ass.

post by: Lola_G at: 11:13 | 35 comments

Man there was nothing like trying to chew up a pair of wax lips, with that slight wintergreen taste, all splintery and not good, to make you feel really poor, as a kid.

In retrospect the fact that I snorted pixie stix more than once probably indicated the path I would take later in life.

Circus Peanuts are another fake candy, bullshit fake candy.

/Larry King

posted by Divine_Wino 15 November | 11:21

You are so right. I hate circus peanuts and candy corn.

But I *heart* stale peeps. I know many find this sick but a stale sugar coated marshmallow with chocolate eyeballs. Delightful.

posted by Lola_G 15 November | 11:31

I've had a Valomilk. It was OK.

posted by me3dia 15 November | 11:32

Valomilk are basically reese's cup with the Peanut Butter replaced with oozy vanilla marshmallow creme. Really quite delicious. They were available only in the Midwest for years, but Steve Almond wrote about them in his book Candyfreak and they've experienced a renaissance. They have 'em at Dylan's. Pick up a few.

The teeth taste like bubble gum flavor gummies. not earthshaking, but the gummi teeth are good.

My own, not so much.

posted by jonmc 15 November | 11:34

and the taste of ass depends on who it's attached to. or so I've heard.

posted by jonmc 15 November | 11:38

Yeah, I'll trust you on the last part of that. The visual for me is more PG-13 like the survivors of the Peruvian futbol team lost on the plane in the Andes. I imagine they could tell you what ass tastes like.

For anything more advance or mature. I am too childish and would rather talk about candy.

*Cue Homer Simpson*

posted by Lola_G 15 November | 11:41

Goo Goo Supremes (made with pecans instead of peanuts) are also really delicious.

posted by jonmc 15 November | 11:43

Red Hots. And Pop Rocks. And Smarties. Oh, and orange PEZ. And Tootsie Rolls. And HONEES. With maybe some schnapps to wash it all down...

posted by Smart Dalek 15 November | 11:44

Crunchie Bars from the UK are shock inducingly sweet.

posted by jonmc 15 November | 11:46

Did anyone ever intentionally eat a graham cracker while chewing gum, to make a kind of cookie gum?

No? Just me? Well it was a stupid idea.

I was left alone way too much as a child.

posted by Divine_Wino 15 November | 11:46

No, I did once eat a starburst with the wrapper on just to test the veracity of that "wait till you try it without the paper!" wisecrack.

SweeTarts and Bubble Yum actually mix quite well in the mouth. Peeling an entire 3 Muskateers to eat just a big chunk of nougat is fun, too, if messy.

I'm starting to see why I turned out the way I did, too.

posted by jonmc 15 November | 11:50

Sky Bars which have always been nearly impossible to find and thus really good, even though they don't taste as strange and magical as they did when I was a kid. Ice Cubes, same kind of thing: it's the rarity that's the appeal. Although I really love them (they taste cold! I swear they taste cold!) and they sell them downtown at the discount pharmacy which also sells very cheap cigarettes, mysterious wig portions and, for some inscrutable reason, tote bags made by the handicapped.

posted by mygothlaundry 15 November | 11:51

Atomic Fireball and Coca-Cola: totally the best combination but you have to be careful that you don't choke and die.

posted by mygothlaundry 15 November | 11:52

Sky Bars are all over the Northeast, MGL. When I was kid, oddly, the first place I remember buying one was at the local car wash.

Ice Cubes were always in a big plastic bucket at the barber shop. they frightened me.

posted by jonmc 15 November | 11:53

Valomilks sound like they might be sort of like Mallo Cups, except that Mallo Cups have coconut in the top chocolate layer, and they're orgasmically delicious. They ooze lots of white, gooey, sticky, sugary goodness when you bite into them.

posted by iconomy 15 November | 11:59

Ice Cubes are frightening. What kind of scary chemicals do they use to make them taste cold like that? Ah, the strangeness. I'm beginning to see why I turned out this way too.

See, you can buy sky bars at the car wash, but you could never find one at the grocery store, or the corner store, or wherever you went for candy. They were only available in places where they shouldn't have even existed.

Which leads us inevitably to that icon of my childhood: Wacky Packs.

posted by mygothlaundry 15 November | 12:00

≡ Click to see image ≡

posted by mygothlaundry 15 November | 12:01

They're similar, but much richer, and sans coconut.

Wacky Packs along with Mad Magazine are responsible for making me into a prebuscent jaundiced cynic.

posted by jonmc 15 November | 12:02

No love for candy corn? I used to think it was the best thing about the Halloween candy extravaganza... maybe because it was something that wasn't so available the rest of the year.

But "Atomic Fireball and Coca-Cola"? Whooohoo! That's true living.

posted by taz 15 November | 12:06

Charlie says, "I love my Good'n'Plenty!"

posted by Smart Dalek 15 November | 12:54

I love candy corn and all red hot candy varieties--Red Hots, Hot Tamales, Atomic Fireballs, etc. Also, jelly beans, Jujefruit & bees, and anything else that tastes like fruit.

Another bullshit candy? Boston baked beans. What the fuck? Beans and nuts are not candy. And Good'n'Plenty are grody.

posted by dame 15 November | 13:02

I used to have something called Johnny Appletreats. Like Lemonheads but Apple. Yummy.

Once, I tried to put rice krispies into brownie mix to make a cake-like crunch bar. Yeah. It didn't work.

Sour Patch Kids not as good as Sour Jacks. Anything sour is great but (and this might be really weird) makes me sweat.

Okay, I'm going to hide after that strange admission!

Chewy Sprees and Sweetarts are good too.

posted by Lola_G 15 November | 13:14

I hate Crunchie bars. When I lived in New Zealand it was practically the state (or rather country) candy bar. You could even get them mixed into ice cream.

Also, smarties in New Zealand are more like M&Ms -- original not Peanut. And while I am on the subject, Sprite is called Lemonade. And real lemonade is called something else which now escapes me.

posted by Lola_G 15 November | 13:16

Quick! Put up the Kiwi signal. What is real lemonade called?

posted by dame 15 November | 13:24

I think it is called, get this, "Old Fashioned Lemonade."

You just have to be specific. Especially if you want ice in your drink.

posted by Lola_G 15 November | 13:26

Smarties everywhere else are like plain M&Ms, it seems. I've seen them in Canada, England and Mexico.

I looooove Mallo Cups. I also love Sour Skittles, all sorts of other sour candy, red hots, Sweetarts, and all sorts of stuff. The old-school candy I miss is Tart-N-Tiny...not the current offering, but the non-candy coated kind. Yum! I also miss GatorGum (anyone remember that, the gum made by Gatorade?) but the Walgreens across the street from work sells Quench gum, which is almost identical. : )

Candy I can do without: Circus peanuts, candy corn, and Mary Janes (is that what the gross peanut buttery things are called that old ladies on the block gave out on Halloween?)

Candy I can do without

posted by sisterhavana 15 November | 14:19

This thread makes my teeth hurt.

Remember candy necklaces, and the peculiar contortion it required to get the thing in your mouth without using your hands?

posted by mudpuppie 15 November | 14:31

≡ Click to see image ≡
Mega Warheads, all the way.
And of course:
≡ Click to see image ≡

posted by Edible Energy 15 November | 14:41

reading this it seems a miracle there is such a thing as a slim american. or that any of you have teeth left.

posted by dodgygeezer 15 November | 14:41

the brit is talking about bad teeth?

(sorry, geez. But don't feed me straight lines like that)

posted by jonmc 15 November | 14:54

If you likes the sour candies you must try these (some versions also have a pinch of hot pepper in them):

≡ Click to see image ≡

posted by With move as the Kimchi the user who knows 15 November | 14:57

I can't get enough of those "Image hosted by tripod" candies ;)

posted by Edible Energy 15 November | 15:18

Tripods are disgusting, With move as the ??.

posted by Smart Dalek 15 November | 18:07

the brit is talking about bad teeth?

they may be yellow, they may be crooked, they may even look like a poorly maintained piano, but they aint in a jar on the bedside table.

and an eccles cake wipes the floor with all of 'em.

posted by dodgygeezer 15 November | 19:20

I used to know a diabetic bike messenger who always wore a candy necklace, in case of emergency. Fetching and functional.

posted by freshwater_pr0n 15 November | 22:00

← I love this image. || I am no graphic artist →

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