MetaChat - How guilty should I feel?

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05 November 2005

How guilty should I feel? So I've been dating a nice woman for about 3 months,→[More:]but there have been some problems, lack of fit, poor communication between us. I've been considering breaking up with her, as I'm not really happy and she doesn't seem to be either, but given my age and hers (and our mutual desires for children etc.) this is not something to do without due consideration. Still, for the same reasons it's getting to be time to make a decision.

So, I was thinking about it one day and sat and wrote myself a long note of mostly the cons. I wrote things that I would never, ever, say to anyone's face. Today while I was out, she found the note and read it.

I'm mortified. Not only did she make it clear in her note that there is no longer any decision to be made, but she read these things that I just feel awful to have her know. I'm confident that she did not snoop for the note (she was legitimately looking for something else in the pile of papers), and I'm also confident that while I did not put my writing under lock and key I had it in a place where I could reasonably assume she would not see it.

So, the question is, how guilty should I feel? I feel like at least two kinds of shit, but feel like I should be talking myself out of feeling like an asshole for putting pen to paper and not putting the paper in my safe deposit box. Am I being too easy on myself? Does anyone else have any advice to make me feel better? Am I ever going to have a family with someone I love?

Hope me. I very consciously reach out to MeCha in my time of need.

post by: omiewise at: 16:28 | 20 comments

Oh, ow ow ow. That just SUCKS, man... I'm so sorry.

You're not an asshole. You were trying to sort things out, for both your benefits (hmm, not sure of the grammar there); what happened was an accident.

But still, I hate it for both of y'all. Hang in there, man. The mortification will ease with time.

posted by BoringPostcards 05 November | 16:42

omiewise.. you dear man!

I often sit down and write things out when having negative feelings.... especially about another person. You made a list.. sorting your feelings and looking starkly at them. Your next step might have been to edit that list, as you take other things into consideration.. ie.. things you are attributing to HER that are actually resulting for another influence.

You're not a shit. The way you covered the page wasn't passive-agressive enough to make you a scheming manipulative shit. This was a seredipity, in the sense of two things coming together in unplanned fashion, precipitating unexpected but actually needed change.

You end up in the place you were going, but ended up having to ride a bronc instead of sailing smoothe.

I'm so sorry you haven't found the woman you want to live your life with. Having kids isn't a reason to marry; it's just a bonus. :) The old saying "fuckin' don't last; talkin' do, is just as true if you substitute "kids" for "fuck". You need something else in common.. truly truly truly.

You deserve love; it will happen.

posted by reflecked 05 November | 16:52

Ow ow ow. I'm so sorry - what a miserable thing to have happen. No, you didn't do anything wrong - if the lady in question hasn't made a few similar lists in her life, possibly even one about you, I'd be amazed. Everybody does it. The thing is, you do need to ~~hide~~ burn the evidence, but nobody ever thinks to do that. Sending her an extremely crawling on the floor apologetic email would be a nice gesture, but after that, well, there's nothing you can do. You didn't put anything about her appearance in the con category, did you? Oh god, for her sake, I hope not.

As for finding someone, well, you probably will. Most people do. And you have time.

posted by mygothlaundry 05 November | 17:19

Didn't this happen on Seinfeld? No, really. Yes?

I don't think you should feel guilty, although, of course, you do, and really, nothing anyone here says is going to change that. You're a good guy, and you have a big heart. You hurt somebody's feeling, and you feel badly about it.

I know you won't settle, or rush things, just because you want a family, or feel like time's running out on you. Who could not fall for you, anyway? You like crabs and you play the guitar and you're cute and funny and smart. Duh - what's the matter with the women down there in Maryland, anyway?

This is making me cringe just to think about it: When I was in my early 20s I made a list of four guys I was very interested in. All the pros and cons of each one. I had them in order of the guy I liked the most to the one I liked least, although I was attracted to all four of them and was trying to figure out which one to zero in on, hence the list. They were all interested in me too, and I was dating #1 and #2 on the list.

The guy who was #1 on my list found it, about 6 months after I decided I was madly in love with him, and had long since dumped the other three guys. It was probably the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me - trying to explain where my head was at 6 months prior. He was bewildered and befuddled, but not actually angry. He took it like a champ, even though I had some negative things about him written on the paper.

We got married a year after that. He still has the paper.

posted by iconomy 05 November | 17:23

Out of curiousity, how old are you Omie? What makes you think you're running out of time for the love/marriage/family thing?

posted by mygothlaundry 05 November | 17:25

Omie, the universe unfolds as it should. To stay with someone only because you want a family would have eventually been an unhappy situation. Perhaps what she read will cause her to re- evaluate what she does in a relationship and result in lasting love for her someday. Maybe it was for the best that it happened like it did.

Meanwhile, of course you are going to find the love of your life. She's looking for you, too. She's there, you just have to find each other, and you will. Whatever you learn in the meantime will make you the person that she loves all the more.

posted by puddinghead 05 November | 17:48

It sucks that she found the list but you did nothing wrong. Sending a note explaining what was behind the list might be appropriate but that's up to you. I wouldn't apologize tho' unless there was stuff you didn't really mean.

I don't know how old you are but I was 33 before entering into my first (only?) serious relationship (I'm married to the guy). It's never too late to fall in love with the right person.

posted by deborah 05 November | 18:15

Thanks guys. I was hesitant to post because it seemed so personal and tmi, but then I figured that if anyone could be reasonable it was the MeCha folks. Of course you all came through. I actually do feel better than I was feeling, although mostly about the woman in question. The family thing still scares hell out of me. I'm 35 next Friday, and while I was in no danger of staying with this woman for the family of it all, I do think about the issue quite a bit.

Also, I feel better because I watched The High Lonesome, and have been listening to Man of Constant Sorrow etc for the past several hours. What's nice about The High Lonesome is that they talk quite explicitly about how bluegrass is a blues music. Bill Monroe has this great line in the movie where he says that when you're alone in the mountains the blues can kind of move in and stay with you like an uninvited guest, which is (this part is implicit) the railroad whistle as a symbol of escape is so prevalent in country blues.
[Intellectualization=emotional defenses in good working order.]

iconomy, I love that story.

posted by omiewise 05 November | 18:26

That sucks. If you need a drinking partner to pass the time, feel free to give me a yell. I'm always up for beer and sympathy.

-Bored in Baltimore. :)

posted by YouCanCallMeAl 05 November | 18:39

Just adding my voice to the chorus to say you're not an asshole and that I'm sorry things had to end that way for the both of you.

posted by LeeJay 05 November | 19:34

Omie, this is my third stab at a post here. I tried giving advice the first two times around, but what do I know? I'll just wish you luck and hope things work out for the best.

posted by trondant 05 November | 19:42

Omie, as everyone else said, I think you didn't do anything wrong.

I'm betting that what you're actually feeling "guilty" about is the fact that her feelings were (most likely) hurt. You didn't intend this. In fact, you very likely were extremely honest in your notes to yourself -- most probably more brutally honest than you would have been during any conversation you had with her about the relationship's problems.

Your feelings, whatever they are, are valid, and they are nothing to be ashamed of.

What you probably feel bad about is that you didn't have the opportunity to soften the blow. (And honestly, she probably feels a bit bad about that too.)

That's neither your fault or hers.

It just is.

It's nothing to feel guilty about.

Do what you can, though, to let her know, in all honesty, what you DO like about her. This will temper her pain (and yours).

posted by mudpuppie 05 November | 20:51

i cant even imagine what such a list would look like. i mean... wow.

pros
-desires to bear offspring
-hair smells good

cons
-ass & thighs are looking a little flabby
-eats like a cow and makes those lip-smacking noises
-ate the last oreo cookie
-is weird about watching her soap operas, daily
-parents are total wankers
-favorite movie is kangaroo jack?
-was that a rash or what
-enough w/ the chinese takeout already
-humming and singing
-won't pluck backhair
-tells that same stupid story about the time she met burt ward all the fucking time
-hogs pillows & blankets
-morning breath smells like smoldering zombie anus
-branson, missouri?
-nags about shoes
-didnt even try the cannoli

posted by Wedge 05 November | 22:54

Wedge, I cannot believe you would bring up my back hair in public like that.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 05 November | 23:12

fuck fuck fuck fuck shit. what a mess i have made of my marriage. shit shit shit. fuck. dammit.

posted by quonsar 06 November | 02:19

Not enrirely related to your story, but might make you feel like less of a shit when you read what I did recently...

I was dating a very nice guy for about 4 months, and in some ways am in the same boat as you in terms of being scared that I've missed the boat on marriage/children (I'm a 35 year old woman with 0 prospects, basically)...it was kind of the same deal, no real good fit, no spark, etc. We were having fun, though, and he's nicer than pie so I was struggling with breaking it off because it probably wouldn't work out in the long run and time's a'wastin', or just hanging in because, well, it was nice and I didn't have much else coming down the pike.

I finally kind of decided to have some balls and cut it off, as pleasant as it was, because, frankly, I couldn't see us getting married. Sucky, but I was going to go for it (ps - I've never dumped anyone, ever). I decided to do it last Saturday night.

Last Friday, he emails me that the back pain he's been having is actually not pulled muscle, but 2 spinal tumors. SPINAL TUMORS. Hm, possibly cancer, possibly just spinal surgery, possibly both....can you see where this is going?

Cue Seinfeld theme, for real.

After much internal struggle and heavy guilt, I did in fact break up with a guy who had just gotten a spinal tumor diagnosis. I may be an asshole, but at least I'm an *honest* asshole.

posted by tristeza 06 November | 13:40

Life just comes and bites you on the ass sometimes. You did the right thing under the circumstances, but it was supposed to be private. It was totally random chance that she found that paper. But maybe you would have hestitated to break up, even though breaking up is probably the best thing to do, but now it's been done for you. You're going to hurt and feel guilty for a while. That sucks. Make a mix CD for us to take your mind off it for a few hours.

posted by matildaben 06 November | 17:12

omiewise, my friend, I am late to the ball game here.

I would just point out that in the time I've known you, I've found you to be wise. I still think you're wise, and I wouldn't worry about this. To me, it looks like: you got caught in the act of wisdom and it upset someone. Getting your inner thoughts right, which you were doing, is an important part of relating to someone.

Being able to share your inner thoughts with someone is also important and it's clearly not part of this relationship. All's well that ends well.

Also, I'm 33 myself, and I've been dating a nice woman for three months, and if I tried to put down a list of cons on a page, it'd look like this:

--begin--

--end--

I heartily recommend holding out until you find a similar situation. It feels awfully nice.

posted by ikkyu2 07 November | 01:11

Oh angel, that is much suckage all the way around. But, as cringe inducing as the situation may be, it was just the universe's way of moving you through a rough spot quickly. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise.

I don't think that you need to feel guilty, although it's quite rational to be concerned that you may have hurt someone.

Were it me in the situation, I would write a note explaining what the list was all about, and how you wish she hadn't seen it because those things you think in the pique of the night, are almost never the same things you want to share with other people. Explain that you were questioning the relationship, but that you never intended to hurt her or embarrass her at all, and that you're sorry to have hurt her feelings, even if it was accidental.

posted by PsychoKitty 07 November | 15:52

Ah it wasn't Seinfeld. It was friends. Ross made a list on his computer, comparing Rachel to someone. Joey and Chandler printed the list out while Rachel was standing there, and she grabbed it. Rachel had a bunch of cons on her side. The only con on the other woman's side was:

She's not Rachel

posted by iconomy 07 November | 16:10

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