I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GET OVER MY EX!!! WE'RE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS BUT HE'S FRUSTRATING THE HELL OUT OF ME! I NEED TO GET MY HEAD IN A GOOD SPACE SO I CAN RECOGNIZE MR. RIGHT WHEN HE COMES ALONG!!!

BITCH SHIT!

I AM COLD!! THERE IS NO HEATING IN MY OFFICE!! SOME OF THE AIR CONDITIONERS ARE STILL ON AND I CAN'T TURN THEM OFF!!!! TYPING IS DIFFICULT WITH COLD FINGERS!!

Specklet, I've never been able to get over people when I'm still hanging out with them...you just get reminded of their good points :(

MY KID WON'T NAP!

no

I'M TWENTY SIX YEARS OLD AND HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FLIRT!

JUST ASK SPECKLET!!!

I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE EXPECTING ME TO APOLOGIZE TO THEM FOR BEING IN A BAD MOOD. I HAD A PERFECT RIGHT TO BE IN A BAD MOOD AND I WASN'T TAKING IT OUT ON ANYONE. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MY FEELINGS.

;)

I CAN FLIRT! (NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK, MATTEO!)
I AM COLD TOO! I HATE CENTRAL AIR!
I FEEL SO CRAPPY THAT IF I WEREN'T TAKING THURSDAY AND FRIDAY OFF, I WOULD GO HOME AND GO TO BED!
I'M WITH SCIURUS!!!

AND ANOTHER THING!

MY LANDLORD WON'T LET ME HAVE A DOG BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID THE DOG WILL SCRATCH THE WOOD FLOORS. HE HAS OBVIOUSLY NEVER HAD A DOG BEFORE. HE HAS FIVE CATS THAT WALK ALL OVER MY CAR. I AM ALLERGIC TO CATS BUT I DON'T MIND THEM, UNLESS THEY WALK ALL OVER MY CAR.

AND SERIOUSLY, I AM FUCKING AGAINST STAYING GOOD FRIENDS WITH EXES, WELL, WITH THOSE YOU REALLY LOVED ANYWAY, BECAUSE THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH TENSION, AND TOO MANY ISSUES REMAIN UNRESOLVED, YOU JUST NEED A FEW, AND EVEN IF YOU'D LIKE THAT, IT'S TOO PAINFUL FOR THE OTHER PERSON AND MAYBE THEY JUST WON'T TELL YOU

THE POST OFFICE AND THE BANK ARE CLOSED!!!

OH OH!

THE REFRIGERATED VENDING MACHINE DOWNSTAIRS HAS A QUOTE UNQUOTE NATHAN'S HOT DOG IN IT. I HAVE BEEN TO CONEY ISLAND AND HAD A NATHAN'S HOT DOG AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT A NATHAN'S HOT DOG CAN BE IN A VENDING MACHINE IN CLEVELAND, OHIO. YOU CANNOT FOOL ME YOU VENDY BASTARDS!

THIS FEELS REALLY GOOD!

*HANDS SPECKLET A SOFT WARM VELVETY BLACK/CREAM BRIONI CASHMERE BLANKET*

I HAD A NATHAN'S HOT DOG IN VEGAS!!! WTF???

STAYING FRIENDS WITH EXES IS BAD NEWS, UNLESS TONS OF TIME HAVE PASSED SINCE THE BREAKUP.
ALSO, AVOID THE TEMPTATION TO MAKE/ACCEPT DRUNKEN BOOTY CALLS WITH EXES. BAD BAD IDEA. VERY BAD.

ALSO ALSO, HOW DO I FLIRT?
IS THERE A BOOK OR SOMETHING?

I HAVE TO WORK A PRIMARY ELECTION TOMORROW-AND THE POLLING PLACE WON'T LET US SET UP TONIGHT!!!!

AND WE HAVE TO BE THERE FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING WITH ONLY ONE HOUR TO SET UP.

AND I HAVE TO SKIP A DAY OF SCHOOL. ARRRRRRRRRG!

I'M ON XANAX RIGHT NOW SO I REALLY HAVE NO NEED TO SHOUT AND IN FACT IT TAKES UP All my energy and makes me want to have a lovely lie down. zzzzzzz.

KELLYDAMNIT, THERE'S A BOOK CALLED HOW TO FLIRT!
IT'S SOLD ON AMAZON.COM!
I HEARD IT WAS PRETTY GOOD!

I'VE GOT TO FIND A TATTOIST TO FINISH MY TATTOO BECAUSE THE BASTARD WHO STARTED IT HAS GONE FUCKING AWOL!

AND I'VE GOT A COLD AND EVERY PART OF ME ACHES AND MY THROAT HURTS so i should probably stop shouting

I GOT 4 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT, AND ALL OF IT WAS TAKEN UP BY THIS DREAM WHERE I HAD TO CONVINCE A FRIEND NOT TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE HIS BAND THE ALUMINUM CANS DIDN'T LIKE THE IDEA! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

I'M GOING TO BE 33 ON FRIDAY AND LIFE FEELS LIKE A BIG, STEAMING, BUBBLING POO-PORRIDGE!!

EXES? SOMETIME YAY SOMETIMES *THWAP*

AND FLIRTING IF YOU CONSIDER INANE HYPERSPEECH WITHOUT ANY VERBAL PUNCTUATION DIRECTED AT A HUMAN SURE OH LOOK A SQUIRREL WHEE DAMN SCREWED THAT ONE UP AGAIN GUESS I'LL GO PLAY WITH MY CATS

selfnoise - maybe love can't be recycled?

THE FLOOR TO MY BATHROOM HAS COLLAPSED THROUGH INTO MY LIVING ROOM DROPPING WHAT LOOKS TO BE DELICIOUS ASBESTOS ALL OVER MY PC. WHICH WAS NICE. MY HOUSE HAS ABOUT AS MUCH STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY AS A FUCKING CARDBOARD BOX BUT I AM TIED INTO A CONTRACT UNTIL A) MARCH NEXT YEAR OR B) I COLLAPSE THROUGH THE FLOOR DURING SOME STRENUOUS RUMPY PUMPY WITH THE WIFE AND END UP IMPALED ON SOME RUSTY SHIT IN THE CELLAR.

I AM STILL COLD! AND! AND! MY MOTHER FORGOT BOTH MY 30TH BIRTHDAY AND OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!! AND STILL HASN'T REMEMBERED, 5 WEEKS AFTER THE FIRST THING. SHE SUCKS!!

I ONLY GOT 4 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT, AND I DREAMED ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP! I GOT A TEST BACK TODAY AND I DID POORLY ON IT! MY COMPUTER WILL ONLY DISPLAY "WINDOWS CLASSIC" TASKBAR FOR SOME REASON, EVEN THOUGH IT DISPLAYED "WINDOWS XP" FINE LAST NIGHT (this is a big deal for me, because i'm kind of a perfectionist)! I'VE CRIED TWICE IN THE LAST WEEK OVER NOTHING! MY BOYFRIEND'S SICK WHICH MEANS I CAN'T EVEN GET DRUNK WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY! AAAAHHHHRGH!!

this month i had to choose between paying child support and refilling my prescriptions. at least i have life insurance.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT WELL IN WEEKS! IT'S MAKING IT REALLY DAMN HARD TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER WHEN I'M TIRED ALL THE TIME! AND ALL THIS COFFEE IS MAKING MY STOMACH HURT!

Damn, mischief, now I don't want to shout about my stuffy nose.

Would it be bad to say well done for paying child support? My dad was/is a deadbeat.

I HAVE A STUFFY NOSE! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SPRING AND IT'S BLOODY FREEZING! I WANT TO CURL UP ON THE SOFA AND WATCH MOVIES!

Flirting, lesson one (the "come hither" look)-

Strike up conversation near flirtee. Stand sideways from flirtee. Take deeeep breath. Make eye contact over your shoulder. Big smile, then look down while fluttering eyelashes. Turn back to conversation. Repeat as necessary.

(reads mischiefs...suddenly feels bad that the worst thing i have to complain about is my fucking computer desktop and not being able to drink...starts crying again)

Hey, I saved money on my car insurance!

Then again, I don't have a car.

heheh

*HANDS SPECKLET A SOFT WARM VELVETY BLACK/CREAM BRIONI CASHMERE BLANKET*

YES!!! THIS IS WHAT I NEED!

SO ALSO, HOW DO I FLIRT?

IT DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF FLIRTING AND WHERE! IN A BAR? AMONGST FRIENDS? ON THE INTERNET? LET US TALK MORE, YOUNG GRASSHOPPER.

THE FLOOR TO MY BATHROOM HAS COLLAPSED THROUGH INTO MY LIVING ROOM DROPPING WHAT LOOKS TO BE DELICIOUS ASBESTOS ALL OVER MY PC. WHICH WAS NICE.

THIS DOES NOT SOUND NICE! NOT NICE AT ALL!!!

BLESSINGS TO YOU, MISCHIEF! I'M SORRY YOU ARE BROKE! ARE YOU AT LEAST OUT OF THE HOSPITAL? BUNNY.

WOW, I REALLY FEEL SHITTY! I LIKE YELLING, THOUGH.

I REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL, BUT SHE'S REALLY TOUCHY FEELY WITH ALL HER FRIENDS SO I HAVE NO REAL WAY TO GAUGE HER FEELINGS, AND WE'RE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS SO GIVEN THAT I'M COMPLETELY IN THE DARK AND IT COULD MAKE THINGS AWKWARD I'M VERY HESITANT TO TELL HER HOW I FEEL!!

ALSO, SOMEONE ELSE I KNOW LIKES HER, ALTHOUGH HE DOESN'T KNOW I KNOW, BUT EITHER WAY IT PUTS THAT MUCH MORE PRESSURE ON ME TO SAY SOMETHING EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!1

I GOT MONO SOMEHOW, TOO, WHICH MEANS I CAN'T EXERT MYSELF OR RUN AROUND OR ANYTHING, AND EXERCISING KEEPS MY MOOD UP SO THIS IS A PROBLEM.

on a more neutral note, I got 4 hours of sleep last night but it was totally worth it because a few friends and I were playing with airsoft b.b. guns in the basement of one of their dorms.

HOW COME TOUCHPAD SCROLLING NEVER WORKS RIGHT ON MY IBOOK!?!?!?!?!?!?

I'M STILL VERY SORRY ABOUT DISAPPEARING FROM THE BOOK'S ROUND ROBIN. GRAD SCHOOL BITES AND SO DO A LOT OF THE STUDENTS. UNDERGRADUATES AND FACULTY ARE VERY HARD TO DEAL WITH ALSO. I MISSED FOUR DAYS OF CLASSES BECAUSE OF THE FLU. THIS GUY AND I LIKE EACH OTHER BUT HE WON'T GET TOGETHER WITH ME. I HATE HIM. I THINK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME. My parents kicked me out of the house. I have class in 40 minutes and I haven't finished the reading.

Nickdanger, you might not have the right version of OS X, I think.

ANOTHER ONE OF MY EXES CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET, AND I SWEAR, IF I DON'T START DATING MEN THAT ARE REALLY, TRULY STRAIGHT, I'M GONNA LOSE MY MIND.

I AM MOVING AND MY HOUSE IS A TOTAL MESS AND RIDDLED IN CHAOS. I AM HAVING A HORRIBLE HAIR DAY AND THE PHONE WON'T STOP RINGING OFF THE HOOK CONTAINING USELESS AND BORING PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE.

STILL UNEMPLOYED. TOTAL TYPICAL LAZY SLACKER BEHAVIOR. ANGRY WITH SELF, ALSO GUILTY. ALSO BROKE.

MOM WITH FRACTURED PELVIS STILL RECOVERING IN NURSING HOME. GOOD SHE'S GETTING BETTER BUT NURSING HOME GENERALLY NOT GOOD. NO CLUE WHEN SHE'LL BE ALL BETTER, MAYBE NEVER ALL THE WAY BETTER. SPENDING 4ISH HOURS A DAY HELPING HER, NOT GOOD, BUT IT COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE, SO I HAVE NO RIGHT TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, THUS I FEEL GUILTY.

ALSO, I PROBABLY WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP AND MY SEX LIFE SEEMS TO BE PERMANENTLY OVER. THINK I USED UP MY LIFETIME QUOTA OF BOYFRIENDS. DUMB. SHOULD HAVE SAVED ONE OR TWO FOR LATER.

*HUGS MYGOTHLAUNDRY*

GIRLS NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN AFTER WE HAVE SEX. EITHER I AM REALLY HORRIBLE IN THE SACK, OR SO GOOD THEY ARE FRIGHTENED BY THE NEW HEIGHTS OF ECSTASY THEY REACH WHEN THEY ARE IN MY CLUTCHES. PLEASE ADVISE.

I DON'T WANT TO OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS, SCIURUS.

*SHARES MATTEO'S BLANKIE WITH MYGOTH*

I HAVE WORMS? THAT EXPLAINS IT...
NUTS.

*THANKS MATTEO & SPECKLET FOR THE BLANKIE & HUGS*
*CONSIDERS EXPERIMENT INVOLVING SCIURUS*
*IS GROSSED OUT BY WORMS*

well, i think i just screwed myself my being emotionally, factually honest to a brain dead management liason.
i should have really saved my elevated tones for this space.

FORGET CASHMERE, TRY ALPACA

IT FREAKING RAINED ALL DAY WHEN THEY PROMISED SNOW. I WANT FREAKING SNOW DAMMIT.

I HAVE AN ALPACA RUANA, WHICH I WEAR IN THE WINTER EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF ME! I GUESS IT'S A LITTLE TOO CAPE-Y FOR SOME.

I HAVE A MASOCHISTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH ORGANIC CHEMISTRY. AND I KEEP COMING BACK FOR MORE!

I'M NOT COLD... I'M STUCK IN A CLOSET-SIZED APARTMENT WITHOUT AIR CONDITIONING IN THE SIN FERNANDO VALLEY ON A 90 DEGREE AFTERNOON WITH MY CRANKY OLD FATHER WAITING FOR THE ANGELS GAME TO START AND WAITING FOR THE DENTIST TO FINISH MY MAJOR TEETH REPLACEMENT BEFORE I CAN MOVE OUT OF HERE TO SAN LUIS OBISPO WHERE I'VE WANTED TO LIVE FOR 30 YEARS BUT MY APARTMENT HUNT SO FAR HAS FAILED TO FIND ANYONE WILLING TO RENT TO MY CREDIT/TENANT HISTORY WHICH IS REALLY ALL MY EX'S FAULT BUT SHE'S SAFELY IN AN INSTITUTION AND I FEEL LIKE AN ASS WHEN I BLAME MY CRAZY EX-WIFE BUT IT'S THE TRUTH AND I'M HAVING BREATHING PROBLEMS BUT I JUST GOT COVERED UNDER MEDICARE AND I CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO GET A DOCTOR DOWN HERE OR WAIT UNTIL I MOVE, BUT IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO MOVE MY TON O'STUFF WITH BREATHING PROBLEMS, BUT AT LEAST I GOT A 90-DAY SUPPLY OF MY REGULAR MEDS BEFORE THE MEDICARE KICKED IN AND DON'T HAVE TO PAY ANY-KIND-OF-SUPPORT TO MY CRAZY EX BECAUSE WHEN I WAS OTHERWISE BEING AN IDIOT I WASN'T DUMB ENOUGH TO HAVE KIDS SO I GUESS I'M BETTER OFF THAN mischief, BUT WE DID HAVE A DOG WHO DIED WHILE WE WERE BOTH HOSPITALIZED BUT I CAN'T BLAME THE NICE OLD LADY WHO WAS TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF 'LOLLYPUP', SHE JUST DIED OF A BROKEN HEART AT THE AGE OF 14 PEOPLE-YEARS AND THAT HAPPENED ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO BUT I'M STILL NOT OVER IT AND I MISSED SEEING THE ANGELS WINNING THE WORLD SERIES IN 2002 BECAUSE I WAS NOT GETTING TREATMENT FOR DEPRESSION OR CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE AND CAN'T REMEMBER THE SECOND HALF OF 2002 BUT I'VE BEEN AN ANGEL FAN SINCE NOLAN RYAN PITCHED FOR THE TEAM IN THE '70S AND DON'T WANT THEM TO LOSE TO THE YANKEES, BUT I'M STILL A LITTLE ASHAMED OF THE STUPID 'RALLY MONKEY', AND I FINALLY TRIED TO CALL UP THE OLD FRIENDS WHO I HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN MORE THAN 5-10 YEARS AND CAN'T FIND ANY OF THEM INCLUDING THE TWO WHO WERE LIVING IN SAN LUIS OBISPO WHEN I LAST TALKED TO THEM SO THEY AREN'T GOING TO MAKE MY MOVE ANY EASIER AND I DON'T HAVE ANYBODY TO PUT ON MY RENTAL APPLICATIONS AS 'PERSONAL REFERENCES' AND MY CRANKY OLD DAD DOESN'T HAVE CABLE AND KEEPS THE TV ON WHERE I CAN HEAR IT WITH 'SEINFELD' AND 'THAT 70S SHOW' AND 'MARRIED WITH CHILDREN' RERUNS AT ALL HOURS AND I EITHER HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE OR GET MYSELF A LAUGH TRACK AND THE POLITICAL COMMERCIALS FOR THE SPECIAL ELECTION ARE EXTRA ANNOYING BUT AT LEAST THE BIG DRUG COMPANIES ARE RUNNING ADS AGAINST THE DRUG DISCOUNT INITIATIVE INSTEAD OF FOR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION DRUGS WHICH REMINDS ME THAT I'D LIKE TO FLIRT WITH ALL THE CUTE METACHATTERS BECAUSE I'M REALLY REALLY STRAIGHT BUT MY MEDICATION HAS MADE ME REALLY REALLY ASEXUAL AND BESIDES, 96% OF MY SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WAS WITH THAT CRAZY EX WHICH HAS ME IDENTIFYING WITH THE 40-YEAR VIRGIN, JUST WITHOUT AS MUCH CHEST HAIR, AND I WOULDN'T KNOW A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IF IT HIT ME OVER THE HEAD, ALTHOUGH I DO KNOW THAT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WOULD NEVER DO THAT, AND I'M FEELING TERRIBLY GUILTY FOR NOT KEEPING UP ANY OF MY OWN WEBSITES, BUT THEN AT LEAST I'M SMART ENOUGH TO NOT PUT THIS INCOHERANT RAMBLING RANT INTO MY OWN BLOG OR ON METAFILTER WHERE SOMEBODY MIGHT LOOK AT IT AND LAUGH, BUT I STILL KNOW quonsar IS GOING TO LAUGH AT IT BECAUSE HE'S HAD IT EVEN ROUGHER THAN ME AND SO HAVE SEVERAL OTHER NOTABLE MEFITES AND MECHATTERS WHOSE NAMES I CAN'T REMEMBER BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOME KIND OF MY SHORT-TO-MID-RANGE MEMORY PROBLEMS, BUT I REMEMBER MY DEAD DOG BUT NOT THE 2002 WORLD SERIES AND IT JUST AIN'T FAIR!!!!

note to self... don't hit Post. oooop

O.K., wendell wins


thread over

p.s.
hi wendell
i gots no interest in "winning" this thread but i give the compatriot fist bump to anyone hearing the faintest echo of the deafening sucking sound--
shakily yours,
ththththt

I AM DRUNK. STOP STOP.

I got the shotgun blues
Shotgun blues
I said I don't know what I did
But I know I gotta move
I got the shotgun blues
Shotgun blues
I can't stay here forever
I got too much here to lose
I got the shotgun blues
Shotgun blues
Listen motherfucker
You're about to pay your dues

ISN'T ALPACA SOFT? I MET SOME ALPACAS RECENTLY. THEY'RE VERY NICE IN SPITE OF WHAT YOU HEAR. MUCH TOO CUTE FOR WORDS. OH, AND VERY VERY SOFT. WHO WANTS TO WEAR GOAT ANYWAY WHEN YOU CAN WEAR A CAMELOID? I WANT BOXER SHORTS MADE OF ALPACA. OR, MAYBE ANGORA. THOUGH I'D PROBABLY END UP WALKING AROUND WITH A WOODY ALL THE TIME.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU MR. RIGHT I AM WAITING AND GETTING F'IN BORED.

ALSO, ALPACAS ROCK. VERY FRIENDLY AND FUZZY.

DID I MISS THE CAMEL PARTY?

uh, I think the word "EX" in Specklet's opening comment caused a very unpleasant reflex reaction in me... kind of a gag reflex, but with run-on sentences instead of vomit. Sorry. But while the Angels are ahead I'm feeling a little better.

Oh, the Yankees got another run. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS wendell! YOUR GUYS HAVE FUCKED THE BAD GUYS BEAUTIFULLY AND THE WORLD OWES YOUR GUYS GOOD & PLENTY!