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06 October 2005

Ridiculous Things You Tell Your Pets. Or, silly words that only you and your pets understand.[More:]For example, Ursula, my butch cat, "is not a'skeered of no t'nake (snake)," she is a "lesbiterious," and eats the "fat sauce." Avatar, a feline fruitcake, is a "homosechimussyhead," he "can't have any goddums sheez (goddamn cheese)," and he's the "gayest lil' Buddha in the whole wide world."

Obviously, my cats think I'm insane, or so I hear.
I told my dog that there was no way in hell Bush was gonna get re-elected.

She rubs my nose in that at every opportunity.
posted by bmarkey 06 October | 00:13
Even though Boing is bad, I constantly look down at her, hold out my hands, and say "this is a good cat!"

It hasn't made her a non-chair-pissing cat yet. There's hope, though.

There's also "look at the little turkey!" (arms held out the same way) when she's in the right position. This used to be "what a great little chicken!", but she's grown up.
posted by interrobang 06 October | 00:15
"This is a good cat" is a reference to a heartbreaking scene in "Young Frankenstein", by the way.
posted by interrobang 06 October | 00:18
loganator is a pillow-lickin' puggyboy.
posted by quonsar 06 October | 00:20
My cat is the weediest of all weedie beeds who needs to rollaround and be more cat than all cats so's she cans gets scratchums under da chinz.

posted by WolfDaddy 06 October | 00:22
When I ask my little cat "who's on the stove?", she rolls over on her back.

It's her way of saying "I'm on the stove!"
posted by mudpuppie 06 October | 00:23
posted by interrobang 06 October | 00:24
We speak in operettas.

Oh Mr. Bill! You are inside! Welcome to our hooouuusee!
Please try to eat!
We think you're sweet!
Ohhhhhh Mr. Bill!
Alas! Alack a day! Oh what is this!
The bathroom door has closed. . it is a noise . . goodbyeeeee Mr. Bill!

What's wrong with that fucking cat?
I don't fucking know. He has deep behaviorial issues that even I can't begin to figure out.
posted by mygothlaundry 06 October | 00:26
I'm sure that my sig other is dreading the migration of pet-speak into our daily conversation.

"Rion is the nice-nice!"
"My name is dreamsign. Your name is Rion. I am a boy. You are a dog." (daily conversation)
"I bite you! I bite you!" (well, ok, this one preceded the pet, but still)
posted by dreamsign 06 October | 00:52
My cat is named Birdie, and I call her things like birdbrain, bird-dog, the birdoulli principle, bird...bird, etc. She doesn't care what I call her as long as I rub her tummy.
posted by goatdog 06 October | 00:58
"Don't eat shit off the ground."

Ignored by dogs and cats alike.
posted by trondant 06 October | 01:24
Oh yeah: "Guhside?", said by me, translates to the cats as "want to go outside?" And that really means "want to go into the garage and pee on stuff?"

They almost always say yes.
posted by mudpuppie 06 October | 01:32
My dearly departed cat's name was Max. I borrowed heavily from Rob Schneider's SNL bit and called him "The Max Man. Maxinator, Maximundo, Maxi-Pad. etc" every time I saw him. Or maybe that was ripped off of Home Alone...I really don't know.
posted by muddgirl 06 October | 01:34
Holy god, you don't even want to know what goes on in this house. But yes, it involves singing, meowing, silly language, blatant worship, etc. Ok, just two:

I say that the bad one's "a special little guy," a la Marge Simpson. No one buys it from me, either.

We shout "PSI!" at the good one for unerringly heaving her increasing bulk onto the softest part of the human she's aiming for. (PSI as in "pounds per square inch" which is a distressing consideration when the bulk is large and the paws are small.)
posted by melissa may 06 October | 01:36
me: Hello cat!
cat: Meooow!
me: (singing) Kitty Kitty! 1,2,3! Kitty kitty! HEY KITTY!

my old dog used to go bananas for "Articles". Our family never figured out what it meant to her, but she sure hated them articles.


"WOOF WOOF!" Runs in a frantic chase around the house.
posted by joelf 06 October | 04:33
When Barney gets up before me and wants to go out, he'll climb on my pillow, crowd my head off and lick my face until I wake up. Unlike my alarm clock I can't hit snooze and have him go away for 10 minutes. Therefore I tell him "There's no snooze on you!" I also tell him he is a big vicious ferocious attack dog. (he'll lick you to death!)
posted by sisterhavana 06 October | 09:40
My dog that now lives with my mum... you didn't have to talk to him to get him riled up, you just had to move slowly. He went nuts if anyone did tai-chi around him. I dunno.
posted by gaspode 06 October | 09:59
Running conversations, example:

Husband: Hey Masha (dog), what are you doing?

Masha: I dunno whaturyou doing?

Husband: Nothing, what are you doing?

Masha: No, no, whaturyooouuuu doing?

Me: Masha, stop it.

Masha: Hey Mothur, whaturyuooodoing? Haa ha haaa

Slade (Cat): Does anyone care what I'm doing?

Me: No.

Masha: Hey Shrade, you want to go on walk? C'mon, I take you.

Husband: Masha, stop tormenting your brother.

Slade: (sings) Cliiiimb eeeevry mountaaaain, foooord eveery streeeaaaaam, follow every raaainbowwwwww!

Me: Slade, you're fat.

Slade: Whattt!!!!

Masha: You want biscut, Shrade? Too bad, you fat. Haaa haaaa.

Husband: Masha, chew your lambit. (lamb/rabbit looking toy).

Masha: Fuck the lambit

Me: Masha, language!

etc. etc. etc. etc. all day long.
posted by rainbaby 06 October | 10:14
In my cutest voice ever I say "who is the dumbest cat in the whole wide world? You are! Dumb dumbie wumbie! You are such an idiot aren't you? I bet you think I'm saying something nice now little coochie-woochie. Dumbass-sweetie-fatso-ugly smelly cat..."

I think he's catching on, while once he would purrr on in blissfull attention basking and tummy-rubbing, he now givs me a dirty look when I use the cute voice. Clever cat.
posted by dabitch 06 October | 10:15
When I say "Go!" Kyle knows I really mean "sit!"

posted by soplerfo 06 October | 10:52
I have weird sorta garbled korean phrases I yell at the cat with, as my mother yelled at me. Used approximately for the same reasons too : Get off there! Hurry Up! etc...

Since Nixon the pigeon has been bitey as of late : "SONUVABITCHQUITTIT!"

posted by Mrs.Pants 06 October | 11:11
I love this thread. Love it.

I only have a fish named Beau, but he loves it when I talk to him. I say "Is de diddle fishie hungweeee? Who's a big fishie! Mmmm, fresh oxygenated water... so frisky! What a frisky fishie! Yesssss."
posted by Specklet 06 October | 13:04
"Shut up" is what I normally say to my cat. I've never encountered such a chatty cat before - once she gets going she's like Joan goddamn Rivers.
posted by dodgygeezer 06 October | 13:10
"You want a grape?"

There is no better way to torment a cat than to offer something that you believe is food but the cat does not. Ages ago I managed to keep one of our cats going for a good 10-15 minutes by offering him a grape, having him sniff it and walk away offended, and then offering it to him again. "Oh, you've got food this time? Goddammit, it's a grape again." I probably could have kept him going for hours.

"Who's a fuzzy meezer?"

Siamese cats, to their owners, are 'meezers. Our other cat is a Balinese, which is a longhaired Siamese. So meezers with long hair are fuzzy meezers.

Also lots of fawning over paws. Both of our guys let you play with their paws (and sometimes they even enjoy it). And Rasha has the best softest fuzziest paws ever.
posted by mendel 06 October | 13:29
Reading through again reminded me: I regularly inform both of our guys that they are cats. "You know what? YOU are a CAT." Not for any particular reason, just affirmation, making sure they know their place in the big picture.

I mock our angelfish by making spastic fin motions with my hands and calling him a gimpyfish. (He's not injured, he's just big enough and still enough that you can see him treading water, and it looks really poorly coordinated.)
posted by mendel 06 October | 13:35
I can't remember what I tell my cats that might be of interest, or unusual.
posted by safetyfork 06 October | 13:56
To the dogs: Who's the wrabbu-di? Wrabbu-dis wanna go ouwside? Also Jumpies for nummies. Nummies being treats of course. Most of the time it's just normal talk between us. My aussie is very chatty and believes it perfectly reasonable to have a conversation with me at any time. Seriously, ANY time.

To the fish: Who's the piggy fish? Piggy being his name. My fish is a hog.
posted by green herring 07 October | 11:42
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