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20 September 2005

What can you do? I can recite the prologue to the Canterbury Tales in its original Middle English. I can also name all the colors in Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.

What can you do?
post by: jrossi4r at: 23:54 | 53 comments
I can also do the cherry stem thing.
I can understand and translate spoken Italian, and read Latin and Irish Gaelic.
I can wiggle my ears.
I can write with my right foot.
posted by kellydamnit 20 September | 23:57
i can tie a bowline with one hand.
posted by dhruva 21 September | 00:13
I can turn a grey sky blue.
I can make it rain, whenever I want it to.
Oh, I can build a castle from a single grain of sand.
I can make a ship sail, oh, on dry land.
But my life is incomplete and I'm so blue. 'Cause I can't get next to you.
posted by wendell 21 September | 00:19
I can clap with one hand.
posted by puke & cry 21 September | 00:20
And what is the sound of one hand clapping, puke & cry?
posted by jrossi4r 21 September | 00:22
Um...I could...tape all your buns together!
posted by WolfDaddy 21 September | 00:46
I can tie my shoes all by myself.

Usually.
posted by dg 21 September | 00:48
"
A human being should be able to [1] change a diaper, [2] plan an invasion, [3] butcher a hog, [4] conn a ship, [5] design a building, [6] write a sonnet, [7] balance accounts, [8] build a wall, [9] set a bone, [10] comfort the dying, [11] take orders, [12] give orders, [13] cooperate, [14] act alone, [15] solve equations, [16] analyze a new problem, [17] pitch manure, [18] program a computer, [19] cook a tasty meal, [20] fight efficiently, [21] die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
"
-- Robert Heinlein.

Numbers in parentheses pretty clearly added. Y.t: 1. Don't know, 2. sure, why not, 3. yes, 4. probably not, 5. yes, 6. yes, 7. yes, 8. yes, 9. don't know but think so from my own compound fractures past, 10. no, 11. yes, 12. yes, 13. yes if it's worthwhile which is probably a no?, 14. yes, 15. yes, 16. yes, 17. good lord, yes, 18. yes, 19. yes, 20. no, 21. not yet.

How about you?

I can ride a horse, row a scull, build electronics, tell dirty jokes, solve partial differential equations, and seduce beautiful women. I know how to get from Plaza Hispana to Ciudad Sandino or from Admiralty House to the Pinner Underground station.

It's pretty obvious that I'm not qualified for any kind of job. Heinlein's kind of a creep.
posted by sam 21 September | 00:53
I can speak in a reasonably accurate Middle English accent, too! It makes my niece laugh. Don't have the whole Prologue memorized, though. "Whan that April..."

I can also climb cliffs. And have much fun playing with orthogonal polynomials.

But mainly I excel at being a great lazy person.
posted by teece 21 September | 00:54
Um...I could...tape all your buns together!
posted by wolfdaddy 21 September | 00:46


**runs off to create Larry Lester sock puppet**
posted by jrossi4r 21 September | 00:55
"I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never let you forget you're a man..." ; >



I can sing the preamble from Schoolhouse Rock "we, the people, in order to form a more perfect union...."

(and assorted random other things)
posted by amberglow 21 September | 01:01
[1] yes, [2] never tried, but how hard could it be?, [3] as per 2, [4] i know how, but lack practical experience, [5] a small one, sure, [6] a bad one, sure, [7] within reasonable tolerances, [8] yes, [9] i'll try anything once, [10] yes, [11] begrudgingly, but yes, [12] yes, [13] yes, [14] yes, [15] simple ones, yes, [16] yes, [17] no idea, but how compicated can anything to do with manure be?, [18] kind of a little bit, [19] yes, [20] yes - i win all my fights by at least 100 metres, [21] i hope so, but we'll see, won't we?
posted by dg 21 September | 01:07
I can swear like a muther-fucking sailor.
posted by Skrik 21 September | 01:37
And what is the sound of one hand clapping, puke & cry?
It's pretty hard to describe it in words. It sounds kind of like a snap. Method 1 is to hold your hand out with all fingers aligned and close them to your palm as fast as you can. I can do that with both hands. Method 2, which is more entertaining, is to bend your fingers down so that they almost meet your palm, then bend your arm at the elbow at a 90 degree angle, limp your wrist, then wave your hand back and forth rapidly so that your fingers clap to your palm. I can only do that with my left hand.
posted by puke & cry 21 September | 01:39
Tomorrow I'll break out the video camera and try to show what one hand clapping looks like.
posted by puke & cry 21 September | 01:45
I can fix things.

I can grow tomatoes and other vegetables (but not, apparently, cucumbers).

I can make one of my hens squat with delight, just by appearing in the doorway.

I am becoming more adept at woodturning.

I excel at alienating people unintentionally, but have mostly solving this problem by staying away from people.

I always hang the bathmat and close the shower curtain when I'm done showering.

I make a mean apple pie.
posted by mudpuppie 21 September | 02:08
I can read really really fast. Always could. Started when I was two- it's just some random brain thing, so I can't really take credit for putting any effort into it.
posted by puddinghead 21 September | 02:29
I can stare with amazement at the clever people.
Oh, and swear like a mother fucking sailor too.
posted by seanyboy 21 September | 02:32
On Heinlein's 21, my first answer for each is if I could do it if absolutely necessary, the second is if I would do it if it was not absolutely necessary:
[1] change a diaper: yes, no
[2] plan an invasion: yes but will not guarantee success, what the hell - yeah
[3] butcher a hog: no, hell no
[4] conn a ship: yes, yes
[5] design a building: only if provided with an "Architecture for Dummies" book, only for fun and not for habitation
[6] write a sonnet: yes, yes
[7] balance accounts: been there done that, would rather not
[8] build a wall: yes, depends on materials provided
[9] set a bone: not very well, not likely
[10] comfort the dying: been there failed at that, no
[11] take orders: ok, only occasionally
[12] give orders: yeah but you wouldn't like it, not likely
[13] cooperate: same as [11]
[14] act alone: yes, always
[15] solve equations: yes, until it bores me
[16] analyze a new problem: yes, hell yes
[17] pitch manure: not well, not at all
[18] program a computer: yes, Windows Mac or Linux?
[19] cook a tasty meal: sure, no more than twice a week
[20] fight efficiently: no, tried it - sucked
[21] die gallantly: maybe, I can think of better ways to die.
posted by wendell 21 September | 02:58
I'll see your Canterbury Tales prologue and raise you a Jabborwocky. I can also drive a forklift, distill alcohol, speak in a hick German dialect, knit a pair of socks, patch drywall, bind a book, and cook Thanksgiving dinner for 12 by myself so that everything's ready at the same time.
posted by cali 21 September | 03:27
Is there something wrong with me because I find cali's list of skills very very hot?
posted by wendell 21 September | 04:02
Oh man, I really wish *I* could drive a forklift.
posted by mudpuppie 21 September | 04:09
I liked your list too, mudpuppie, but since I also have a skill for "alienating people unintentionally", I knew I couldn't say anything without - well - alienating you unintentionally.
posted by wendell 21 September | 04:24
Oh, it wasn't meant as competition, wendell.

I just really would like to drive a forklift. And a dumptruck!
posted by mudpuppie 21 September | 04:26
i can kick!
posted by Hat Maui 21 September | 07:27
I can play by ear.

But usually it is easier to play by hand...
posted by bunnyfire 21 September | 07:31
Just the prologue?

I can... I can get pretty drunk.
posted by Eideteker 21 September | 07:37
I pour beer exceptionally well.
I never lose my sense of direction coming up out of the subway.
I make a great pavlova.
I can repair complex scientific instruments while drunk.
posted by gaspode 21 September | 07:38
I know two and two is four, and I know that Carson City is the capital of Nevada.
posted by briank 21 September | 08:23
I can take you to the highest heights and never bring you back down again, baby.

[Cue Barry White or Al Green. Lights fade to 1/4 strength; champagne flutes appear as if by magic (wink!); fireplace flames on.]

Care to dance?
posted by Hugh Janus 21 September | 08:33
I too am a potty mouth but I can also count the number of letters in a word unusually quickly, a skill which is limited in its usefulness but can mean I get irritated doing crosswords with other people.
posted by biffa 21 September | 08:37
What is the sound of one hand typing?

Fap fap click fap click fap fap click click fap click click delete delete delete fap fap fap
posted by Floach 21 September | 08:44
I can:
Drink heck of booze and more or less maintain my composure.
Perform competent if unorthodox first aid on myself and others.
Cook food pretty good.
Fix things in a temporary and haphazard manner.
Drive stick.
Read.
Waste time.
Shoot 2 inch groups with open sights at 100 yards with most rifles I have used.
Swim.
Talk mad shit.
Barely keep it together.
posted by Divine_Wino 21 September | 09:47
Answer the question Claire!
No special talents on tap.
posted by safetyfork 21 September | 09:53
I can brew beer, set tile, fell trees, analyze data, plan and execute, make people laugh, change diapers. I have designed several houses in my mind. I have helped butcher a hog (300 lbs). I can dam a stream, or help it flow free. House painting is meditation to me.
posted by sarah connor 21 September | 09:54
I can change a light fixture or a faucet, paint a wall and a picture and hang the latter on the former, draw a realistic portrait, knit a sweater without using a pattern, reupholster a chair, bake a delicious Irish whiskey cake and/or a bacon tomato quiche, kickbox, sew a little girl's tutu, crochet lace, do a manicure in 5 minutes, hike for hours on end without tiring, have sex seven times in one day and still want more, edit or write a book, save 34% of my take home every month, tell a funny story, do a decent English or Southern American accent, do a scarily accurate mimicry of a former freakazoid boss of mine, give good advice, acknowledge when I don't have any advice to give, serve Easter luncheon to 15 people, recreate any colour nearly exactly by mixing paint, and research just about anything.
posted by Orange Swan 21 September | 11:10
I can build a bicycle wheel, a computer or a bonfire. I can drive stick-shift, or a forklift. I can perform copy-editing, scansion and criticism. I can go on like this.
posted by box 21 September | 11:30
I can perform copy-editing, scansion and criticism.


Me too, box.

I can also see all the flaws in any plan instantly (but I can't get anyone to listen). I can tell you the most efficient subway route for the three boroughs worth going to, and the best bike route for anywhere in Brooklyn above Prospect Park. I can swim butterfly. I can be a total bitch. I can be totally silly. I can write.
posted by dame 21 September | 11:50
Biffa--I have a friend who can do that with whole sentences. Oddly, he's thrown off by Ws. If there are too many Ws in the sentence, it takes him a few seconds longer.

Such talented bunnies!
posted by jrossi4r 21 September | 12:50
Drink heavily.
Make great mix CD's.
A few things that I won't mention here.
posted by jonmc 21 September | 12:50
This is awesome. I love you all.

I can:
-Sing the Greek alphabet to the tune of "Yankee Doodle"
-Grow plants real good.
-Endlessly entertain a baby.
-Kick your ass at 9-ball.
-Sing Ella Fitzgerald tunes at the drop of a hat, in the original key.
-Knit scarves. I learn hats next.
-Cook exceedingly tasty things.
-Fell a big-ass tree with a chainsaw.
-Give an excellent blowjob.
-Do a brake job.
-Read DevaNagari script with a good accent.
-Play the tenor saxomophone.
posted by Specklet 21 September | 13:43
mupduppie, does your hen squat with delight, or squawk with delight?

You have hens? That's so cool.
posted by Specklet 21 September | 13:45
Oh yeah, I can also change oil, filters, spark plugs, and all the basics of car maintenance. My mother wouldn't let me get my license unless I could.
posted by gaspode 21 September | 14:00
[1] change a diaper - too damned many
[2] plan an invasion - not that I'm aware of
[3] butcher a hog - if I had to
[4] conn a ship - nope
[5] design a building - does Sims count?
[6] write a sonnet - probably
[7] balance accounts - yes
[8] build a wall - never done it, but I know the basics
[9] set a bone - nope
[10] comfort the dying - sadly, yes
[11] take orders - aye, aye cap'n
[12] give orders - I want fries with that
[13] cooperate - one of my strengths
[14] act alone - most of my life
[15] solve equations - depends on how complicated
[16] analyze a new problem - of course
[17] pitch manure - been there, done that
[18] program a computer - does loading software count?
[19] cook a tasty meal - yep
[20] fight efficiently - as long as fighting dirty counts
[21] die gallantly - prefer to do so in my sleep

I'm a good navigator - I can read a map and get around strange places really well.

I don't know if you'd call it a talent but even shy kids and animals tend to like me.
posted by deborah 21 September | 14:03
I can put my leg behind my head. Thankyou ballet classes for the 'talent' that comes in handy anytime I wanna pick up a guy without saying a word.
posted by dabitch 21 September | 14:58
Specklet: squat.
posted by mudpuppie 21 September | 15:22
Chickens squat when delighted? How charming!
posted by Specklet 21 September | 16:54
I can squawk or squat or do both at the same time (but you wouldn't want to be there when I do).

I can play the clarinet, oboe and tenor sax (although I haven't in umpteen years and probably shouldn't until they finish all this farkin' dental surgery...)

My handwriting is very legible and my hand-printing resembles the word balloons in "Peanuts".

I can guess what jonmc doesn't want to mention.

I thought Carson Daly was the capital of Nevada.

I admire anyone who is skilled in more than one task ending in the word "-job", Specklet.

I can create impromptu recipes with limited ingredients that don't taste half-bad (my most popular to date was a strange Italian-Mex caserole I called "Enchillasagna")

I can waste all day doing this.

I can dig it.

posted by wendell 21 September | 17:03
Oooh, ooh, I can drive a forklift too!

I can also build boats and lots of other things, fix almost anything mechanical, sew, read a map and know in my head exactly where I am (but can't give directions to save myself). I also have the ability shared by others here of alienating people with no effort whatsoever.
posted by dg 21 September | 18:01
Irish Whiskey Cake? Mmm I like orangeswan's list and I covet a recipe!

I can bore you with lurid bits of history about Chicago, the five points, and crime in general especially con artists.

I can cook some really good meals!

I can and have made fresh cornbread in the time it takes you to run to the corner for some more whiskey.

I can draw and paint well enough for now.

I can wear spots and stripes.

I can be a huge annoyance.
posted by Mrs.Pants 21 September | 18:07
Chickens squat when delighted? How charming!
posted by Specklet 21 September | 16:54

They do when they've mistaken you for a rooster.
posted by mudpuppie 21 September | 20:52
-Read DevaNagari script with a good accent.


damn thats impressive.
posted by dhruva 21 September | 22:05
I can do most of Heinlein's list, plus, I'm a marksman (person?) with multiple varieties of guns, I can ride a horse...and shoot a rifle at the same time, accurately. I can talk too loud, drink too much, and piss off the normals in under 5 minutes. I can smoke faster than any man can roll. I can wear black for 20 years and still avoid being called a Goth. I can field strip and rebuild any American engine and transmission from before 1980. I'm a gourmet cook, an astoundingly voracious reader in a couple of languages, including Middle English, a baker, a soapmaker, and rumor has it that I give the best head this side of a Las Vegas bordello. ;) (You have to enjoy what you do, that's my motto.)
posted by PsychoKitty 22 September | 17:17
← This is the last goodnight... || The most ginormous bunny ever! →

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