Difficult Decisions Involving a 3-Hour Pornographic Epic Starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid


1. Would you rather watch both Dr. Doolittle movies and both Nutty Professor movies, all back-to-back, or watch a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid?


2. If offered $80,000 to direct a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid (and you have to make a good-faith effort to make it as XXX as possible, no soft-pedaling), would you do it? You have to use your real name in the credits, and the title screen of the movie will read "Makin' Whoopi! A [your name]film."


3. Suppose a press gang forces you onto the production crew of a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid. You are given the limited choice, however, of being the cinematographer, meaning that you have to do all of the filming (but with relative anonymity), or being an Executive Producer who won't have to be on the set every day, but whose name will be used extensively in the marketing materials and who would have to do media appearances hyping the movie. Which do you choose?


4. In situation #3, how about if you were offered a third option, that of being an uncredited bit player who appears in every scene as the unlucky person who always happens to be in the room while Whoopi and/or Randy get it on?


5. If you could save one starving child in a developing country each time you watched a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, how many times would you watch it?


6. Suppose you are given the following terrible choice: either actor Jeff Goldblum is castrated or you must watch a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid every day for the rest of your life. Does Goldblum remain intact?


7. If you heard it through the grapevine that the person you had just started dating had once appeared in a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, would you watch it out of curiousity?


8. Suppose you are a struggling novelist. If you are offered a deal wherein your manuscript will be published and marketed by a major publishing house, with the understanding that it will be adapted into the screenplay for a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, would you take the deal?


9. Which would be more unpleasant: watching a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, or watching naughty home videos made by someone you knew?


10. If you came home and discovered your significant other watching a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, would it alter your relationship?


11. Would a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid be more or less disturbing if it were animated instead of live-action?


12. How about claymation?


13. Why the hell would anyone ever make a 3-hour pornographic epic starring Whoopi Goldberg and Randy Quaid, anyway?

Me?

1. Nutty Proffessor and Dr. Doolittle. They may be terrible movies, but there won't be any horrific images stuck in my head. Or at least, nothing too horrific.

2. Yeah. I really, really want to pay off my student loans. Badly. Besides, I can always claim it wasn't me, that the real director must have taken my name out of a phone book.

3. Cinematographer. I could drink heavily while filming, which would lessen the impact of the visuals, but if I had to make public appearances, my face as well as my name would be associated with the flick. No thanks.

4. Sure, I'd go with that option. Nothing says I have to look at them while on stage with them, whereas if I were the conematographer, I'd have to look.

5. Once a day for the rest of my life. My conscience wills it.

6. Fuck no. He's hot, but he's no starving child.

7. No. No way.

8. No. I'd like to think I have some integrity.

9. Oh, definitely Whoopi and Randy would be worse. Most of the people I know are uncommonly good-looking.

10. Depends on how they were watching it. If they with paralyzed with horror, not so much. But if they were chokin' the chicken to it, it's time for A Talk.

11. Yes. The sheen of live sweat and the mintutea of body hair would be gone with animation.

12. Yeah, I think so. See above.

13. I don't know. I just don't know.

The answers would be so easy if it was Dennis Quaid, and not Randy. Damn you, COBRA!

lol.

1. Ive seen all-non films mentioned so, as long i could be couch commander with the remote, would give quaid and goldberg a go.

2. Yes, as long as it could be a comedy. we could get the guys who did father of the bride to write it.

3. a la specklet, cinematographer. i would encourage a script rewrite that would have them shagging in a speeding roman chariot where death was on the line. i would win oscars. i would be worshipped.

4. No, unless i could play the part of Ted Danson coming home and beating the crap out of Randy Quaid. But that would probably involve a "make-up" scene with Goldberg so, again, no.

5. If i could watch it without actually "seeing" it, id watch it 24/7.

6. Jeff remains... intact. No harm to any human, - by not saving a child im not actively hurting them, by having jeff eunuched, now that's bad.

7. Depends what they said their role was. But I'd probably have to watch it because i dont trust anyone.

8. As long as the 7-figure sum is delivered to my door in many trucks prior to recording so i can buy a plot of land, fence it off, stick in some rabid guard hounds, sink a bunker so ill be safe when folks start rioting after theyve seen the film. Then i'll write the sequel "More Randy", where Quaid teams up with popular musician Randy Newman.

9. People i know, i think. But that might require more thought.

10. Im single. But if i werent, id probably laugh at them until i passed out.

11. Yes. There's so much more you can get away with with animation than live-action *shiver*.

12. No.

13. Let's set up a production company, write a script and see what they think. Specklet, you could be on to a winner. Or not.

Note to self: NEVER imbibe whatever COBRA! is having.

This is going to keep me up all night.

Hot damn! This totally makes my day. And I needed some cheering up after yesterday's shoot; we were working on the horse barn scene, and Randy just wasn't feeling it in there. You really have to suffer for art.

cobra!, that brings pictures to my mind I'd rather not have there. Thanks so very much.

*sends note to Santa: extra coal for cobra!*