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29 August 2005

I don't fucking believe what just happened to me →[More:]I go outside to have a smoke, and I get out the door, flick the lighter and all of a sudden I feel this pain in my eye. I open my eyes, look down at the lighter...turns out the damned wheel from it flew off and hit me in the fuckin' eye. Hurt like a sonofabitch, too. What a fucking pathetic way to get hurt. Imagine if I died, nobody would be able to get through my funeral without bursting into hysterics.

Story of my fucking life.
post by: jonmc at: 15:19 | 63 comments
smoking is bad for you. you'll shoot your eye out.
posted by papercake 29 August | 15:26
Imagine if I died, nobody would be able to get through my funeral without bursting into hysterics.
You should make that your epitaph.
posted by Hugh Janus 29 August | 15:29
I mean, is your eye okay?
posted by Hugh Janus 29 August | 15:30
It's a little swollen and sore, but I'm broken but unbent, as they say.

You should make that your epitaph.

I can only imagine the eulogy.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 15:31
Happens to me all the time. I am always firing little bits of things at myself, getting mystery cuts, filling those mystery cuts with dirt and then having mystery dirt tattoos.
posted by Divine_Wino 29 August | 15:34
Ouch! Glad you didn't do any permanent damage.

(I almost choked to death on toothpaste once. I was naked at the time. I often wonder what the comments at my funeral would have been like if I hadn't managed to survive.)
posted by LeeJay 29 August | 15:41
≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by matteo 29 August | 15:42
I was naked at the time.

That's the second reference to female MeCha nudity today. Don'y toy with me ladies, I'm not a well man.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 15:42
Ouch. I mean, OUCH! More importantly: were you still able to have your cigarette?
posted by gaspode 29 August | 15:43
Perhaps you should request a zippo and safety goggles on the "what I want" thread.

*gives jonmc an "all better" smooch on the eye*
posted by jrossi4r 29 August | 15:43
More importantly: were you still able to have your cigarette?

Yes actually. The two witnesses were the office radical (who told me "you have a lawsuit!" which I declined to pursue) and this guy from the office downstairs who never seems to be working. The layabout had a light for me, which I accepted, to the office radical's slight dismay. He just dosen'thave his priorities straight is all.

jrossi4r: I should probably be made to go through life wearing safety goggles and a helmet. Next to the word "hapless" in the dictionary, there's probably a picture of me.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 15:47
I also found a book of matches in my desk, so all is not lost.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 15:47
I once had an avocado fall from an avocado tree onto my head when I was completely naked.
posted by matildaben 29 August | 15:49
you're trying to do me in, that's what it is, right?
posted by jonmc 29 August | 15:50
That's the second reference to female MeCha nudity today. Don'y toy with me ladies, I'm not a well man.

It was deeply unsexy nudity. I was gasping like a fish and foaming at the mouth. My eyes were rolled back into my head. And I was trying to Hemlich myself against a dresser.
posted by LeeJay 29 August | 15:52
I meant Heimlich there, obviously.
posted by LeeJay 29 August | 15:53
And I was surrounded by lesbians.
posted by matildaben 29 August | 15:54
Wait, how is that not sexy?
posted by Specklet 29 August | 15:55
≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by jrun 29 August | 15:58
Specklet, that was Matildaben continuing her "I once had an avocado fall from an avocado tree onto my head when I was completely naked" story.
posted by mcgraw 29 August | 16:02
And I was surrounded by lesbians.

≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by jonmc 29 August | 16:05
If you hurt your eye, should you even be on the computer?

Also, I stepped in cat puke. I was naked.
posted by sarah connor 29 August | 16:07
debaser

a bit late and several dollars short....

Slicing up eyeballs i want you to know.
posted by sourbrew 29 August | 16:09
and just for the record, when the lighter wheel hit me in the eye, I was not naked at the time. I was right near the Holland Tunnel. Not a good naked spot.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 16:09
I was right near the Holland Tunnel. Not a good naked spot.


Please tell that to the Schizo homeless lady with the 24 hour power funk that likes to whip it out on occasion down the street from my office.


DW,
Reporting in from a bisquits toss away from the Holland T.
posted by Divine_Wino 29 August | 16:17
I was right near the Holland Tunnel. Not a good naked spot.

Or the ultimate locale for untimely naked deaths, depending on your point of view.
posted by me3dia 29 August | 16:18
Is she freinds with the Vietnam Vet with the feather who likes to do bird calls?
posted by jonmc 29 August | 16:19
No, no mcgraw, I was making a feeble joke about this:

It was deeply unsexy nudity. I was gasping like a fish and foaming at the mouth...

Poor timing.

Also, I know that frying chicken naked is not a good idea. Guess how I know this.
posted by Specklet 29 August | 16:19
Specklet, see also: bacon.
posted by gaspode 29 August | 16:22
I have a roaring headache, but mentions of naked female MeChas seems to help, a little. Even, you know, with the cat puke and all.

Lighters are dangerous objects. They've been known to start fires along with causing eye damage. Don't even mention bacon.
posted by kmellis 29 August | 16:24
Specklet, see also: bacon.

See also: anything involving hot oil.

Warm oil, now that's a different story...
posted by me3dia 29 August | 16:25
actually, aside from my first trip to a nude Beach, I seem to suffering from a shortage on nake mishaps.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 16:26
I stepped on a banana slug once. My feet were naked.
posted by tracicle 29 August | 16:27
Holy shit, jonmc, you know of the dude with the feather? I've only seen him on the (E) train. You know, his calls are awesome and accurate. And he's pretty subtle about it (except for the feather and the head movements).

Seriously, that guy's my hero.
posted by Hugh Janus 29 August | 16:27
Specklet and gaspode, see also: potatoes.

Also, I once dropped a lit cigarette on my leg while naked. Sucked in all new and exciting ways, and left a rather amusing scar. No more smoking straight out of the bath for me.
posted by kellydamnit 29 August | 16:28
Making jello naked is dangerous if you're four (I can't speak for other ages). Causes traumatic belly blisters a la Specklet.
posted by Hugh Janus 29 August | 16:29
Nero didn't really start Rome's 64 AD fire, you know. it all started when a naked girlfriend of his tried to fry him some bacon for a BLT sandwichus and -
posted by matteo 29 August | 16:30
Holy shit, jonmc, you know of the dude with the feather?

I also know of Lloyd the "Basketball Coach," Blind Accordion Guy, Blind black guy with the cup and radio outside the bank on Ditmars & 31st, and Gordon Heavyfoot the dude who used to sing outside the coffee shop acroos the street from the bank, Opera Man on 50th, and the Warren Cmmission guy on Downing Street.

Swell buncha fellows, colorful characters. At the rate I'm going I'll become them someday.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 16:32
tracicle: EWWW.
posted by loquacious 29 August | 16:32
sry i didn't get yr joke, Specklet.

i'm a Pure Nerd, diagnosed just today, as a matter of fact.
posted by mcgraw 29 August | 16:34
hey, jonmc, don't forget Carl Robinson at the 5th avenue subway station.
posted by mcgraw 29 August | 16:36
I never get out at that statio, mcgraw, and as interesting as Carl may be, the truly insane are more entertaining.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 16:38
tracicle, I've done that as well. And also crushed a snail, which is also nasty. Both slimy and crunchy. ick.
posted by gaspode 29 August | 16:38
I met this guy Jake, who holds court in front of the bodega at 5th and A, who used to run lights for John Waters films. He's a gregarious fellow who usually asks for money "for malt liquor" and will often try to impress you by tossing a blue racquetball at pretty passersby.

Is Gordon the guy who rocks the acoustic, leaned back and spread-legged, singing southern rock, sometimes in the subway? Maybe Rockefeller Center, but I can't remember which line?

Between that guy and the bird dude, my heros are all sewn up.
posted by Hugh Janus 29 August | 16:38
Nay, Gordon was in Astoria, He'd hang out on 31st street in a wheelchair, singing along off-key with his boombox, which was usually playing Gordon Lightfoot. There's also the guy on the N/W train with the withered limbs who does the little dance and sings stuff like "Tell Me Why," and "It Never Rains In Southern California," in an incredibly frail voice as his clothes rot off him.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 16:42
Did you ever see the blind, skinny older dude on the subway who walks through the train tapping his cane on the floor to create a rhythm to which he sings songs (some that seem to be made up)?

He's got a nasally high-pitched voice and... I saw him once, right after 9/11. as he entered the train car he was tappin and singing what seemed like a made-up song about how "we've got to bring them all together now" but moments later the song morphed into something like "we're gonna fight them all". it was bizarre and, i think, meets your standards of truly insane.
posted by mcgraw 29 August | 16:45
Man, I only get the people preaching about why Catholics and Jews are evil. I wanna change subway lines.
posted by gaspode 29 August | 16:46
Hugh, the rockin old dude you're talking about (used to have long hair but it's short now)-- he's usually at the 14th street F station.

That dude puts his heart 100% into his singing, Flying Spaghetti Monster bless him.
posted by mcgraw 29 August | 16:47
He sings the same song all day. When he finishes it, he starts again. That's rock.
posted by Hugh Janus 29 August | 16:50
Man, I only get the people preaching about why Catholics and Jews are evil.

You never encountered the Rosary Squad under Grand Central Terminal? A bunch of carefully multicultural but identically dead-eyed people who say the rosary by the token booth. One day I passed them and a screamfest broke out between the clerk and some irate commuter. The Rosary Squad started praying louder. Throw in all the Jews For Jesus, Jehovah's Witness and street musicians and it all sounded like a busload of UN Delagtes on acid crashing into the Tower Of Babel. Very apocalypse-on-a-cereal-box.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 16:51
Hey, anyone ever run into the "Don't get the Satanic Barcode" people? Seriously, there used to be a... group... of people who handed out flyers in the Times Square station. They warned others that the govt. is trying to barcode everybody and/or insert some sort of tracking device under your skin.

It was tin-foil hat batshit insanity, I tells ya.
posted by mcgraw 29 August | 16:54
Well, I think I've wandered past them, but they are not so interactive, so don't show up so much on my radar. Although, I have to say that the people who annoy me most, just by virtue of being there, are the scientologists in Times Square. Something about them makes me wanna punch.
posted by gaspode 29 August | 16:54
This morning at the bus stop, a very perky blond lady tried to talk to me about natural disaster relief funds, then all of a sudden asked me if I was familiar with the bible. I hate the sneak attack. Jerks.

At least with the Hare Krishnas they just come right out with it. The last time I was approached by one of 'em, I said without thinking: "No thanks, I'm a Shaivite." Stopped him cold in his tracks. That was a funny thing for me to say because the Hare Krishnas are from the branch of Hinduism that identifies with Vishnu, so they're Vaishnavites, and the branch of Hinduism on which the kind of meditation I practice is the Shiva-related one, so I'm (kind of) a Shaivite. See? Funny, huh? See?
posted by Specklet 29 August | 16:57
There's a pair of prayer people at 23rd St./Ely at the top of the EV stairs most mornings.

Them: "Will you pray with us?"

HJ: "Will you put your hands in my front pockets while we pray?"

Them: "No."

HJ: "Then, no."
posted by Hugh Janus 29 August | 16:58
mcgraw: I had two close friends in high school that truly believed that. One got hysterical when she found out that my new phone number had a 666 in it.
posted by gaspode 29 August | 16:58
There's also the Monotone Animal Rights Lady at Astor Place who simply bellows "Animal Rights! Sign The Petition!" in a monotone Thorazine shuffle voice at passersby while holding a picture of a cat. One time I saw one of her minions in Astoria. For a moment I thought I was being followed.

At least with the Hare Krishnas they just come right out with it.

When I lived in Miami, there was a sad little pack of Hare Krishnas still bumbling around Coconut Grove. One night me and the mrs were sitting in a sub shop having dinner and they wandered in -a-chantin' and a-bangin'. Hardly anyone looked up. A few moments later, a dude sprinted through carrying a (probably) stolen shopping bag followed by cops. Miami's a strange town.

The Krishnas that show up in the East Village occasionaly have augmented the chants and tambourines with accordions and synchronized dance moves. Somebody's been watching MTV, methinks.
posted by jonmc 29 August | 17:02
There's a pair of prayer people at 23rd St./Ely at the top of the EV stairs most mornings.

Them: "Will you pray with us?"

HJ: "Will you put your hands in my front pockets while we pray?"

...



That gets the Rodney Dangerfield Caddyshack Seal of Excellence Award of the day, it comes with a hat, you have to pay for the hat, but you get a free bowl of soup.

Well done.
posted by Divine_Wino 29 August | 17:04
≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by Smart Dalek 29 August | 17:06
Oh, the animal rights lady. I hate her. I want a t-shirt with "vivisectionist" on it.

Except that I would probably get kicked to death. But apart from that...
posted by gaspode 29 August | 17:07
krishnas in the village
posted by Schyler523 29 August | 17:09
I remember Lloyd the "Basketball Coach" and Blind Accordion Guy well. Occasionally, I still see the blind accordian guy, but I haven't seen Lloyd in a while, I must not be riding the N/W round the same time he is.

Nothing special to report in the last car of the G in the mornings, or much happening for me on the L or the A too often either. I could be in the wrong car or at the stations at the wrong time on any one of those though. There's got to be potentially interesting folk on all three of those trains.

Get that lighter out of your eye, man.
posted by safetyfork 29 August | 17:10
Fun with LaRouchies -- walk past them with a friend. Have the friend display interest in their literature. Grab friend by elbow and hustle them away while saying (in a carrying voice): "Don't pay any attention to them, they work for David Rockefeller!"

It never fails. I've had them follow me for a block yelling and screaming.
posted by warbaby 29 August | 18:30
warbaby: Word. Now I've got 'em. Nutcases.
posted by bdave 30 August | 08:49
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