Has it changed as you've grown older?

Has what changed as I've grown older? The world? Definitely. Me? Same answer.

Do you feel old?

Yeah. But I hang around old guys in bars a lot, and that helps me feel young again.

1. No.
2. N/A
3. No.
4. I assume my peak years have yet to come. I'm not sure any man really contributes to the world before his late thirties, at least.
5. Yes.
6. No, not really, I only notice how old I am when someone asks this sort of question.

I've always looked forward to getting older. Mostly because every year, on my birthday (5/30), I look back at the past twelve months and think about what I've done, and what I've learned. And each year those things get more exciting and grander.

So I figure, by the time I'm forty, I'll be the fuckin' man.

That's the way I've looked at life since, say, college. Before that, I don't know. I don't give much credence to opinions I held as a kid. Unless I still hold them.

How about you, Frisbee Girl?

As I get older, I feel more quonsary.

I am happy with hitting my thirties. My twenties were just too intense. I feel a little more smoothed out now. I don't worry so much. I have a feeling the next ten or twenty years are going to be good ones and I am looking forward to them. I do worry about physically aging (my joints, my back). I am lucky I suppose that I look very young. No one ever believes I am thirty years old. Both of my parents look younger than they are and I seemed to have inherited it. Frankly, I deserve it considering I also inherited from them lousy eyes, terrible joints, oversensitive skin and a tendency towards chub. I don't think I've hit my "peak age" yet, if such a thing exists.

Does it really register?

Good question. I'm not sure. I tend to feel sort of ageless. I am a little bit wiser than I was and a little more confident and some of my views have changed but I don't feel as if my mind has aged, if that makes any sense. Changed not aged. I talked to my mother once about turning sixty and if she felt sixty in her head and she said that other than changing some of her views and beliefs she still felt in her mind like a young woman. It all happens so gradually. I am reminded of it from time to time and sometimes I get a little shocked at how fast the years have gone by so far but I'm not sure it really registers. I mean, what's 30 anyway? What does it mean?

This is a timely question for me, Fris, because I turn thirty (cue introspection) in just under two weeks (September 6th for those who are planning on sending me copious amounts of cash).

Has it changed?
Life? Me? definitely. Damn, I was an immature little so and so back in the day. I no longer think I'm right about everything (just most things).

Do you feel old?
Not at all. I look young, and I feel young. It helps that I'm still in training for my career... so I feel like I don't have that many life responsibilities etc. Don't own a house, car, hell, I don't own a nice tv. So no material goods to look after. I guess I felt a little older upon getting married.

Do you continue* to look forward to the coming years?
Definitely. I'm really excited about getting older. I know that wisdom doesn't come with age, but I would like to imagine that it does.

Has it changed as you've grown older?
1. A little, nothing very significant. I'm less likely to draw conclusions about other people based on their age. Inside my head I am the same.

Do you feel old?
2. Nope.

What about 'peak ages' or 'peak years'?
3. I don't know what this means, so I'll have to go with "no" again. :)

Do you continue* to look forward to the coming years?
4. Absolutely. Probably more so than in the past, I was a fearful kid and it took me a long time to grow out of that. I'm much happier and more confident now than at any previous time in my life, and most of that is due to just having lived through a lot and gaining some perspective. I'm also fortunate in that my family is very long lived, so I still have a lot to look forward to (barring any unforseen accidents).

Does it really register?
5. Occassionally, but not in a jarring way. I get jealous of people who are younger and more accomplished, but only because I wish I had more direction. Half my friends are younger than me, I feel I have as much in common with them as I do with the older set. Plus I'll probably outlive them.

My teenage years were hormonally intense, and very melodramatic. My twenties were spent feeling guilty about my vices, my thirties were spent being comfortable with and enjoying--really enjoying--my vices, and I think my forties are going to be spent putting down roots.

I still feel young, whatever that means. Though the hair thins and grays, I still look pretty much the same now as I did when I was 18. I try to avoid making the same mistake twice, generally happy with myself and my lot, but worried about the future and the young people who will have to master it. Confident that the universe unfolds as it should, but insistent that complacency and apathy leads to ruin.

I find I don't dwell on the past, except to appreciate and wonder at the continuing evolution of the relationships I've had with various loved ones over the ever-increasing amount of years.

Excellent question, Frisbee Girl.

As I've aged I've had to adjust my lifestyle. The kind of partying I had no problems with at 21 sent me to the hospital at 31. Unlike some of my friends, I only had to go once to get the message. (One of the nurses who came in checked the chart and saw my heart rate and said, "Wow! That's the fastest we've had all night!" Yeah, I took a certain perverse pride in that. I'm #1!)

I do feel old. As I age I'll probably feel older, but I do look forward to it. I'm looking forward to learning and growing and meeting interesting people, going to interesting places and doing interesting things. Life!

I'm not looking forward to friends and family dying, but am slowly coming to terms with that reality.

Peak Ages: 17 was a blast and so was 30. I'm sure there will be other peaks in the future.

Life continually blows my mind. So basic and yet so unknowable. So meaningful and yet so random. I'm so glad I didn't die that night in the hospital that right now my eyes are tearing up.

When I turned thirty I realised - with almost startling suddeness - that I wasn't going to be immortal after all. I always knew I was going to die but I guess I must have been in denial or something. Now I'm scared shitless of dying and I don't like it one bit.

Other than that I find that I'm smarter, more settled and more comfortable with who I am. On the other hand I can't drink as much as I did, I'm often really tired in the evenings, various parts of my body seem to want to drop off and while I don't feel old - I do feel older.

Dave Allen said it best: "I don't mind getting older, it's better than the alternative"

Yeesh, everyone's so positive.

Ageing scares the crap out of me. Probably because I just turned 30 and I feel like I haven't... you know... done anything yet. I'm scared that my best years are behind me and they weren't that great.

And yes, I feel *old*. I'm loosing my hair in the classic "Bill From Accounting" horse-shoe pattern, strangers who I ask consistently say I look 10 to 15 years older than I am, so I'm scared to death that I will never "get with" the ladies in my own age bracket ever again.

I am mortified by my mortification.

I turned 30 this year. I was completely unphased unfazed. And I look askance at those who get hysterical about it.

Has it changed as you've grown older?
Sure.

If so, how and why?
Life actually seems to have sped up. My dad always told me that when you're older, a year seems like a short amount of time. I never quite believed him when I was a teenager, but now I get it.

Besides that, I'm more settled, personality-wise, than I once was. When I was in my teens and early twenties, I tried on various personas and peer groups to see where I fit in. I turned out to be one of those people who fits in reasonably well with any group. As I've gotten older, I recognize that it's because I'm at ease about myself and I respect other people -- each of those groups reflected an aspect of myself, and it allowed me to connect. I try to do that whenever possible.

Do you feel old?
Mentally, no. I'm as old as I ought to be. Once upon a time, I would have said I'm older than I look, but I'm wiser now. I'm with LeeJay -- I feel ageless, in a sense. Changed, not aged.

Physically, I do feel old. My body is still functional, but it aches and groans from all those years of ...not abuse, but certainly not care, either. My knees hate me, my neck constantly wants to crack, and I feel arthritis starting in my hands. Not a good sign at only 30.

What about 'peak ages' or 'peak years'?
Eh. I think it's more a case of being fortunate, not hitting some mythical peak. Last year was really good. This year, a little less so (not that it's been bad, just not as good as '04). Next year might be great or it might be tough. We'll have to see.

Do you continue to look forward to the coming years?
Of course. While I look back fondly on my past, it's not productive to dwell on it. And I certainly have a lot of life left ahead of me.

Does it really register?
It's registering in small ways, like when my friends have children of their own. My voice has sounded like an adult's since I was, oh, 12, so I got used to being called "sir" long ago. But looking at the next generation being born is sort of startling. And awe-inspiring.

Oh dear. Could someone fix that? Thanks.

done

Nice question.

Don't know about a peak, but faves were 12, 17, 21, and 25. Not that the rest sucked, but these really shone.

It is registering now. I've had a grey hair or two since my mid-twenties, but now there's a bunch. Running long distance, for the first time ever, is hard. And I figure I should be doing something else. Not something in particular, just... not still in transition.

But good things ahead. I figure 40 will be my prime.

I'm not that crazy about it. I look a good bit younger than I am (most people guess about 8-10 years younger), but stuff is beginning to sag, and that's just no fun however you look at it.

What's that quote about getting the face you deserve after a certain age? I'm okay with that; I think I'm growing old with a certain dignity, and I know that I can still sort of fascinate people even though the looks are slipping away. If I meet a young person now, he/she is not all alert and hyper like a few years back just because of the physical awareness/attraction, but in about two to ten minutes they start becoming completely intrigued. I can't imagine losing that unless I lose brain facility... So that's kind of reassuring.

But we all want to be able to look the way we feel... and I'm missing that by about 15 years. Mentally, I'm much younger than a lot of people I meet who are in their 20s, even... but honestly? Getting older sucks physically. And every minute you spend worrying about it just makes it suck that much harder.

Peak for me was early to mid 30s. But, no, I don't feel old. At all. I predict that I will never feel old. I always look forward to the coming years, though I won't ever look forward to the attendant further aging that accompanies them.

i fixed the "unphased". as i get older, things like that drive me NUTSO.

I don't feel old. I look forward to the coming years.

I've changed so much in the last ten years, I figure the next ten are going to be downright amazing.

I sometimes freak out that it will be more difficult for me to get into shape the older I get. The aging of my teeth worry me. I like my wrinkles, though, and adore the fact that my twenties are over. They were tough, man.

Mostly, I'm freaked out about getting older becasue I want to have kids so badly, and I have no prospects out there. But that's okay, for now, since I've got some work to do before I'm ready for the big serious relationship that will bring me kids.

Mostly, I'm freaked out about getting older becasue I want to have kids so badly, and I have no prospects out there.

Gimme 10 minutes, a coupla candy bars, and directions to a playground....

Has it changed as you've grown older?
No, not really. I've always looked forward to getting older. Being young wasn't very pleasant. I don't look back with many fond memories (tho' there are a few).

If so, how and why?
n/a

Do you feel old?
Generally, no. Tired of life, yes, sometimes.

What about 'peak ages' or 'peak years'?
Peak years have been 33 and 34 (moving to a place I love and meeting the man I love).

Do you continue* to look forward to the coming years?
Yes, because as crappy as it's been it can only get better. *knocks wood*

Does it really register?
Definitely. It feels weird to describe myself as 38 (39 on December 15), not bad, just weird. I'm continually comparing myself to how my mum was at my age (physically, personality, etc.). When my mum was 38 I was 11 and she was old. That sounds bad, maybe, but I don't mean it that way. She had five kids, worked as a bartender, drank, smoke, been through several relationships, etc. Maybe it's just different lifestyles and/or priorities. Also, I think the child/parent dynamic has a lot to do with how I view her. And I think a lot of a person's personality is involved in how old you come across to other people. I've come across people my age or younger that seem really old.

I've noticed I've lost a lot (most?) of my preconceived notions as to what "old" means.

Wisdom does (or should) come with age. There's so much that really doesn't matter. And there are other things that do. Part of maturing is figuring out which is which. ;^)

I feel ageless, in a sense. Changed, not aged.
That hits the nail on the head. I'm still ME no matter the number of years I've lived.

Frisbee! Answer your question, please!

Fuck, you are all whining about turning 30 and feeling old? I turned 44 recently, but still don't feel old.

Has it changed as you've grown older?
Not really, except that my tolerance is more extreme - either I feel very tolerant, or I feel the exact opposite, depending on my mood.

If so, how and why?
Apart from the above, I find that I am less and less sure that what I believe about things is correct and more inclined to argue that my beliefs are correct, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Do you feel old?
Mentally, no. Perhaps having kids with ages ranging from 3 - 19 helps, perhaps my partner being 12 years younger than me helps, but I still feel 30 in my head.

My body doesn't feel 30, though - my knees are fucked and most of my hair is gone. I gave up smoking and wanted to start getting fit, so bought a bike because my knees won't let me run and gym stuff bores me to tears, but it has been really hard getting back into condition and I sometimes wonder if I ever will.

What about 'peak ages' or 'peak years'?
Negative.

Do you continue to look forward to the coming years?
Yes and no.

Does it really register?
I refuse to allow it to register. Family members keep telling me that I am too old for things like racing boats and that I should settle down, but I refuse to do that. As some famous person or other said, "Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional". My version is "you don't give up racing because you are old, you get old because you give up racing".

I refuse to grow up, because growing up means growing old. I have seen too many people "grow up" and you can almost see them aging.

I'm actually looking forward to old age. When you're 80, you can be grumpy, inattentive, and unhygenic and nobody cares. Plus you can bitch about everything new sucks. And there's peaches in syrup and tranquilizers. The rest home may finally be my millieu, come to think of it.

Of course, before I reach that age, I will be dead of either lung cancer, cirrhosis or a freak can opener accident. And when that happens, most of you including those who hate my guts will get publicly weepy on MeFi and proclaim that you secretly admired me or or were the only ones who "got" me. I've considered faking my own death just to see that happen.

So maybe you should move into a nursing home now, while you are still young enough to enjoy it?

They don't let you smoke.

The view from age 52: A whole lot has changed, much of it for the better. There's a world of stuff I used to stress madly about (Am I cool? Do they like me? Will I ever find True Love/my Life Purpose?) that just doesn't interest me as much any more. Some of that comes from relaxing into a sort of wry acceptance of self and world; some of it (the less good part) is a sort of slowly-growing sense of detachment. Late middle age is, to me, all about letting go of the shiny fantasies of what might be and grappling with the question of what can still be changed, or what's worth the struggle of changing, vs. just accepting. Never an easy question, I might add.

I only feel old in comparison with my on-line friends, most of whom are substantially younger than me. Compared to what the women of my mother's generation were like when they were my age, I still feel (and live) like a kid, a permanent graduate student. I don't really *know* in any visceral sense how old I am, but 52 often seems preposterous. It conjures up the polyester pants suits and RVs and Old Country Buffets and AARP discounts, and --yow! That's not me!

Peak years have had almost nothing to do with age per se, but rather with particular times when I was in the right place with the right people. These things come and go, and I expect they'll come again at some point before I die.

I don't really look forward to the coming years, because they promise to bring a continuing slow decline in physical health/vigor/youthfulness, which is not pleasant. But I'm not dreading them either, as long as I can stay independent and working and reasonably intact (physically/mentally).

Age registers really sharply at times (the moment when, shaving my legs, I realize that the skin on my calves is getting all OMG CREPE-Y!, or I try to run for the bus and my knees scream in pain). Other times I lose sight of it. (52?? Ree-dickulous.)

There's a car often parked near my house with a bumper sticker reading, "Inside Every Old Person is Someone Wondering When the Hell This Happened." Which pretty much sums it up.

I can't wait to have a full head of grey hair, personally.

Problem is, it'll never happen. Genetics :/

what katallison said about aging and relaxing about some stuff -- it's true for us 40-year-olds also.

Has it changed as you've grown older?
yup...

If so, how and why?
less worried about some things, and more worried about others, incl. hair loss and earhair and stuff.

Do you feel old?
today, yes (bec. i'm really hungover from last night and i don't function as well on 3 hrs sleep like i used to)

What about 'peak ages' or 'peak years'?
I still don't think i've reached my peak, but my body's definitely past it a little.

Do you continue* to look forward to the coming years?
yes, but i realize my windows of opportunity are closing fast for all sorts of things.

Does it really register?
only the round numbers register for me.

I am 44 and dead sexy.

Seriously, what KatAllison said--it is great not to spend any time at all worrying about how I appear in the eyes of others.

I don't feel old. Physically, I feel the same as ever, I keep up with my 5 year old, my creativity seems to be about the same. I make more money than I ever thought I would, and spend more too, without any important differences in my standard of living. I do forget things more than I used to, but I care less. I don't fear getting older still, I know too many really cool old guys. So I guess it doesn't much register.

On the other hand my wife is 48 tomorrow, and often complains about aging, despite looking ten years younger than she is.

How do you feel about getting older?

Like shit.

/mr.marx - 30 years and 2 days old

Nobody has mentioned the way that time speeds up after you turn thirty: did that happen to any of you? I’m 45 and am a lot less freaked out by growing older than I was when I was in my late twenties/early thirties, in fact I’ve mostly liked it and I certainly wouldn't want to turn the clock back. But it is funny when a whole season (or even a whole year) can go by and you don’t even really notice the time passing because you’re just living your life.

44 and 10.5 years old:
Has it changed as you've grown older?
Definitely.

If so, how and why?
I find more and more that I do not care one whit about new television seasons. I am finding that I am leaving the advertising demographic which dominates media and am pretty happy about that. Every once in a while, I listen to the ads that tell you how to get rid of aches and pains. The saddest thing I find about myself is that I occasionally have the "damn kids" thought and really have to watch myself to not be a close-minded fart. And I really, really enjoy watching season changes. Now I'm the one in the car saying, "Look at that, it's PRETTY," and getting the baleful stares that I perfected 30-some years ago when I traveled with my dad.

Do you feel old?
Yeah. God bless you guys who say you don't, because I wish I didn't. There are days when my body just says ow. Things start to creak, names occasionally slip. It's a little disconcerting, honestly.

What about 'peak ages' or 'peak years'?
All bitching aside, this is a good time. Turning 40 really sucked the donkey, but the subsequent ones are good. I still have my parents around, the kids are getting older and starting to really blossom into people, and the people I hang with are quite interesting, regardless of age. It's like this decade is a cumulation of all the ups and downs of my 20s and 30s and I'm able to reap some benefits both social and economic of all that. Plus, I have gotten out of the habit of getting married and divorced. Single is good.


Do you continue* to look forward to the coming years?
Beats hell out of being the subject of a really bitchin' wake.

Does it really register?
Yeah. There are days when I see old folks and young folks and I realize that I am a lot closer to the former than I am to the latter. But all in all, it's good. No complaints at all except when you guys start talking in computer talk and I just sit here looking for a short bus to board.

How do you feel about getting older?

Like shit.

/mr.marx - 30 years and 2 days old

Happy late birthday?

Thanks, quonsar. End of the work day does something to my brain.

Sophieblue, I alluded to time speeding up, but it happened for me several years before 30.

happy bday mrmarx!!!! : >

all the round ones are hardest, but my 30s turned out to be really surprisingly good. i'm hoping my 40s do too.

FamousBirthdays.com

Has it changed as you've grown older?
I'm not sure I've changed the things about myself that I should have changed. I had much more ambition in my early 20s, but it got lost somewhere along the way. I wish it hadn't. I also wish I had developed some sort of drive with which to accomplish those amibitions that I used to have, but that hasn't happened either. Much of life is a big Meh.

Do you feel old?
Most of the time, no -- still feel like a kid, and worry that other people think of me as a kid. (Doesn't help that I look and sound like a kid.) However, I live in a college town. That affords plenty opportunities to feel capital-Old. I must say, I'm not a big fan of Kids These Days, and that makes me feel old.

On the other hand, I'm in better physical shape now than I've ever been (except for a stupidly bad back), and I finally feel like I can rely on my body.

What about 'peak ages' or 'peak years'?
Hmm. I generally hated my 20s, but I think I had the most fun around 25/26. I like myself better as a thirty-something, but life has been a bit rough circumstantially since I hit that mark. As soon as things smooth out, I think I'll like my 30s a lot.

Do you continue* to look forward to the coming years?
See above.

Does it really register?
You know, it does. Could be that it registers because my birthday is this weekend and I'm not really looking forward to this one. For some reason, the number is bothering me a little. Don't really know why. I'm jobless and don't really have many prospects. If I think about it too much, I think I might get really depressed.

And one question that you didn't ask, Frisbee:

When did your age or aging hit you?
Turning 30 really, really bothered me (though I can't for the life of me remember why). The big day was really nice, though. I spent it in Austin with some friends; we went to a swimming hole and had a great day. I had forgotten entirely about the angst until I got in the shower that night. As I was shaving my legs, I looked down at them and thought "Oh my god. These legs are 30 years old." It totally freaked me out, and that's when it really hit me that I was getting older.

Saturday is my 42nd birthday.

I really did not feel old until this past year. I had quadruple bypass surgery last summer, and in the process of going through a lot of emotional stuff related to that, my whole perspective on where I was in life and what I could reasonably expect to look forward to shifted rather dramatically. I used to look forward to getting older, but not anymore.

One thing has been very noticeable to me in the last few months is that younger people (by which I mean people under 30) have begun to treat me like an irrelevancy. I had this experience while I was going to cooking school earlier this year, and then again when I took a course at Northeastern University this summer, so I don't think it was isolated to the one experience. It's obvious to me that younger people simply do not think anyone over 40 is worth bothering with unless they have some position of authority over them. That bothered me almost as much as some of the personal demons I have had to wrestle with.

be well, brian : >

I've found that too a little, but also that it's an asset at work, in that you're seen as experienced and a go-to person bec you've been around longer. I've found that a lot of younger people can't solve problems as smoothly because they haven't dealt with them before, and we have. building up a body of knowledge and tactics or something, i guess.

(this is brilliant btw, brian--i never thought of it that way--thanks!)

building up a body of knowledge and tactics or something, i guess

I prefer to think of it as old age and treachery beating youth and beauty every single time.

It beats the alternative.

Getting older and getting old are two different things. Only dead people don't get older. And judging by the comments and ages I see up thread, nobody has much experience with getting old. Take it from me, it sucks. Aches and pains and rarely feeling good in the morning and getting out of breath just going up stairs and all the rest of the gripe-list.

Getting older is a process, but getting old is an event; Bam! You're old; it sucks. And then getting older doesn't seem so interesting any more.

'Bout the only thing that keeps me going these days is the fact there are still bad guys needing some justice done unto them. And the look in their eyes when they realize that 20-ton shit hammer is heading their way and there's nowhere to run to. Heh.

but it's all relative. when i was little, we would talk about how old we'd be IN THE YEAR 2000!!! (like it was THE FUTURE) and thought the ages we would be were unthinkably old.

I was born 42. I've always felt that I was 42 years old, even when I was 8. I still have 9 years to go.

I'm twenty-five. And my life has gotten crappier since I was seven. So no, I don't look forward to anything at all. We'll see if anything manages to change, but I'm not holding my breath. No one good was even born on my birthday.

Me...I live in Dallas (well, near Dallas)...and since I'm past the age where I can lie about being 29, I think it may be time to start researching plastic surgeons. It's not that I want to, mind you...just that it *is* the law in Dallas.

All kidding aside...I'm much happier now than I was in my 20s...and significantly happier than my weird teen years. Aging, outside of the physical manifestations, which please me not, has been good.

It just gets better. Really. I've blathered about this before, but I am finding that I get happier all the time. (Perhaps it's dementia, but I think not. It's more likely the drugs.)I find elephants in my underpants, I dream of talking cats,stuff like that.

*briank, I know a bit about what you have experenced. An event like that is certainly a smack to the part of the brain that thinks we're immortal, and it takes a long time to get over that. It gets better. It gets waaaaay better.*

I know that we have become invisable to many people under 30, and I don't give much of a shit. They're missing a whole lot of coolness, but that's just fine, more for me.

I'm loving the age I'm at i.e. earlys 30's, I don't feel old ..... I'm really comfortable, and I hope the peak is yet to come. Age may have changed me a little ...probably because I have more responsibility than I did say 5 years ago, I also feel better about what I see in the mirror.

Looking forward to the next few years to see what life brings.

I also enjoyed being 14 and my 20's.

Just so I don't come across as a complete grump; 28-45 was pretty good. And 31 was probably peak, but it didn't seem like downhill until my wretched shell started giving out at 49 due to accumulated wear and tear, bad design and the inexorable results of excess.

The best decision I ever made about living my life was the decision to take a sabbatical when I was 40 and spend some time doing things that I wanted to do and damn the expense and damn the lack of income. There's no point at all being a financial slave to an undefined and uncertain future. The sabbatical was inititially planned for six months, but I ended up stretching it out for five years of thrills, danger, lust and adventure. When I came off the sabatical and got a real job, I had the best five years of work with the best people and work environment ever.

My advice to the young and foolish -- do it now, you won't be able to one day and you won't realize it until it's too late.

My advice to the young and foolish -- do it now, you won't be able to one day and you won't realize it until it's too late.

yup--it's something i've started to deal with--the closing windows of opportunity for adventure and foolhardy stuff.

thanks amberglow, leejay. I think I'm gonna be ok.
in a year or two.
;)

The best decision I ever made about living my life was the decision to take a sabbatical when I was 40 and spend some time doing things that I wanted to do and damn the expense and damn the lack of income.

I am in the middle of doing the same thing myself. You've given me something to look forward to, warbaby, I hope I have your luck with it.

Yes, my attitude about aging has changed a lot as I've actually aged. I keep waiting for the wisdom to hit. I thought I would like getting older and instead I've found that I don't like it much at all. Partly because I'm vainer than I knew, and I am not enjoying watching my looks slide away (I'm still gorgeous, mind you) - taz said it better than me. And partly because I really thought I'd have more accomplished by this point in my life, but all I have are a lot of lurid memories. I've never made any real money or been successful at much of anything. I have raised my kids by myself and they're turning out really well - but somehow that doesn't seem like much to show for 42 years. Although I know it is.

I always felt old - I can find old journals where I was whining and complaining about being so old and I was 27. Now, though, I am beginning to feel really old. I forget things. I get these ridiculous hangovers. I can't go on a diet for a week and lose 5 pounds anymore.

My early 20s were probably my peak years. I feel like I did the college/post college thing pretty well. I still feel like I'm 23 inside, though. I can't figure out where these wrinkles came from. Do I look forward to the coming years? Not really. Not much. I see a lot of my mother, who's 78, and there are times when I leave her house after hearing the Recitation of the Diseases and the Deaths and I think, jesus, girl, keep smoking! Die young! I don't much want to be 80, feel like shit, watch my friends die off and then space out on my kids' names.

I'm enjoying it actually. I survived a screwy childhood, made it through the crash course in life and how to live it that my 20's seemed fraught with, tried on the 'shoulds' and 'coulds' for size and recognized myself in the mix. I found out that growing up and growing old is not a prison sentence, but open season on living my life on my terms. The older I get, the more confident I become, if for no other reason than realizing that being wrong and making a mistake is often more valuable than being right. I've learned that others' unhappiness/judgments/values need not dictate my own.

The playing field is different now and while I could choose to make it about the size of my waist or flawless surface of my face, when I'm with, or better yet, see current pictures of the people I've known and loved for most of my life and juxtapose those elements – a thicker waist, crow's feet, scars, stretch marks, etc – with what I see now, I see history and stories that span the range of pain & pleasure, mundane & exceptional all wrapped up in the present. To me, that's far more beautiful than an arbitrary standard of attractiveness.

I'm aware that others don't see it this way, but, for me, it's an exchange. I get drunk faster, can't party like I used to, can't stay up for days on end by a combination of caffeine and sheer will and for that matter, can't even drink coffee like I used to. And, yes, my body is slower and more prone to aching than it was a decade or two ago. But I drink slowly and to savor now, remember fantastic conversations/events that I'm part of and am at ease & present in a way I haven't been for many years. And I have some incredible memories that were fostered by faster recovery times and great stories behind many of those aches.

There have been some wonderful years, but I'm hesitant to buy into the idea of a peak year or age, just because it feels fatalistic to me. Some periods kick your ass & others kiss it. C'est la vie. C'est la guerre. C'est les vampiric, zombie bunnies, non?

I don't imagine that I'll ever be the old lady type. It's just not my style. I've always been a scatterbrain and am prone to forgetting my own name if directly asked under the right circumstances, but the older I get, the more things in my brain become connected, and those associations become stronger or perhaps more relevant. Yet the more I learn, the more I realize that there's so much I'll never know or experience. And I'm ok with that, but I'll sure as hell take as much as I can get.

Ultimately, it feels like getting older is a priviledge that I never expected to experience quite the way that I am – so while some of the good has most certainly been got, it feels as though there's plenty more to come.

Frisbee Girl, that was loverly.

I CAN NOT SLEEP. Also, getting older just reminds me that maggots are going to eat me sooner than I would like. Oh well.