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MetaChat is an informal place for MeFites to touch base and post, discuss and chatter about topics that may not belong on MetaFilter. Questions? Check the FAQ. Please note: This is important.

17 August 2005

Have at thee Ghandi! Since AskMeFi isn't the best place to ask, and since there are a lot of MeFi alumni here I've a question for you all :

In a proper Fight Club style hand-to-hand fight (no weapons) - Which historical/famous figure would you most like to fight with?

This bored office worker needs to know...
post by: longbaugh at: 13:25 | 63 comments
a fight that leads to sex or just a regular fight?

for a regular fight: I think i could take Shirley Temple or General Tom Thumb.
posted by amberglow 17 August | 13:28
"Call me that again and I'll shoot you dead."

--Mahatma Gandhi

≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by Hugh Janus 17 August | 13:30
...have you seen my Ghandi impression?
posted by kmellis 17 August | 13:32
Jesus? Because any blood He would shed would be to pay for my sins. And he can provide refreshments if you give Him a jug of water.
posted by orthogonality 17 August | 13:33
I was thinking I'd take a shot at "The Shat" in his prime (during the original Trek). Apologies for lazily not checking the spelling Hugh - my bad. Otherwise I'd like to take on George W Bush during his pissed-up cokehead days (certainly wouldn't fight his dad, he'd probably sneak a CIA poison pen device into the battle).
posted by longbaugh 17 August | 13:34
Hey, Ortho!
posted by mcgraw 17 August | 13:35
i bet Bush fights really dirty (or just hires someone else to do it for him)
posted by amberglow 17 August | 13:36
Helen Keller.
posted by safetyfork 17 August | 13:39
Hey, ortho!

I'm gonna have to go with Vlad the Impaler, both for fights leading to sex, and just regular fights.
posted by taz 17 August | 13:49
ortho! =)

≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by danostuporstar 17 August | 13:53
I had a knock-down, drag-out fistfight with George Clooney in a dream a few years back. I still recall how the cartilage in his nose crunched against my knuckles. I was bloodied but victorious.

Funny thing is, Clooney's one of my favorite actors.

I would relish the chance to beat the tar out of Ronald Reagan, though.
posted by Hugh Janus 17 August | 13:54
Stalin. I would definitely beat the shit out of Stalin.
posted by PinkStainlessTail 17 August | 13:56
J. Edgar Hoover.
posted by loquacious 17 August | 14:01
Brad Pitt. Because in my experience, hand-to-hand combat always ends in sex.
posted by Moral Animal 17 August | 14:02
Now that I think of it amberglow - what sort of place do you go to whereby fighting leads to sex? Do you mean like an argument-type fight? If not and you mean a bit of the old ultraviolence = getting laid I would very much like to be fighting Angelina Jolie and/or Audrey Hepburn.
posted by longbaugh 17 August | 14:04
fighting to fight = tom cruise...crazy fucker.

fighting to fuck = maggie gyllenhall (dressed like she was in secretary)
posted by Schyler523 17 August | 14:08
I had a dream just two nights ago that I punched W in the nose...
posted by gaspode 17 August | 14:08
Hitler. Because... you know... he's Hitler, and I'm pretty sure I could take him.
posted by Capn 17 August | 14:11
I'm a pacifist, but I'd like to kick Hitler in the shins...

But for hot, sweaty, rough-housing that leads to some action? Young Harrison Ford (before he started dating Ally McBeal). I could bite that lower lip for all eternity.

Actually, forget Hitler, I'll just pinch Calista Flockhart really hard. She ruined my fantasies about Harrison.
posted by Specklet 17 August | 14:13
Actually, I want to change my response a bit:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. For the same reasons as I give above.
posted by Moral Animal 17 August | 14:16
≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by mcgraw 17 August | 14:16
Imagine Harrison Ford wants something from the back of an unused closet. He opens the closet door and spys it behind a ball of wire coat hangers. He tries to put the ball to one side, but the hook of one gets caught in his cable-knit sweater. As he tries to untangle himself, the ball spreads out, as only a tangle of wire coat hangers can. As he becomes more and more entwined, he bumps a shelf, and a box of spoons falls on him, opening as it hits him.

This is exactly what it is like for him to have sex with Calista Flockhart.
posted by Capn 17 August | 14:17
Capn: hee.
posted by gaspode 17 August | 14:24
Millard Fillmore, I've been gunning for that cocksucker ever since fifth grade. Then I'd throw him a grungy hatehump. Since it doesn't seem likely that I will ever get to fight him, I've thrown all my resources into a resturant/extreme cage match/brothel idea called The Great American Millard Fillmore Punch n' Fuck.
posted by Divine_Wino 17 August | 14:36
Socrates.
posted by kenko 17 August | 14:40
Millard Fillmore, I've been gunning for that cocksucker ever since fifth grade.
Good christ. I'm eating and drinking over here! I just lost half my mouthful of cabbage roll.

Fight that leads to sex: Hugh Jackman and Dennis Quaid.

Regular fight: Curly from The Three Stooges. He is SUCH a wimp.
posted by iconomy 17 August | 14:45
Exactly, Capn. I see you understand why she ruined my fantasy life with Harrison.
posted by Specklet 17 August | 14:48
Charles Lindbergh--When he said America First, he meant America next.

Then Dick Cheney, one good punch in the chest and it would all be over, but you'd have torun like hell since Lynne Cheney is a scary woman.

Also, orthogonality!
posted by omiewise 17 August | 14:58
oops
posted by Specklet 17 August | 14:59
Why, the Marquis de Queensbury, of course.
Funny how none of you cowards offered to take him on...
posted by Smart Dalek 17 August | 15:07
oh, noes! I misread the question. I definitely don't want to fight Vlad the Impaler! I just want to bet on him in another fight, like with Gandhi or Calista Flockhart or somebody.
posted by taz 17 August | 15:11
Ray Kroc. Or Ingrid Newkirk.

Maybe I could just goad them into fighting each other to death.
posted by 김치 17 August | 15:14
Aw, taz, I was totally impressed with your cojones.

Saying you'd like to fight Vlad's like saying you'd like to fight Rasputin. (Which would be like fighting Lou Gossett Jr. in Diggstown -- you think he's down, but he gets back up, again and again). Awesome.
posted by Hugh Janus 17 August | 15:18
Desi Arnaz, the prick.
posted by gigawhat? 17 August | 15:26
Man I'd kick Karen Carpenter's ass.
posted by dodgygeezer 17 August | 15:28
Oh, man! Rasputin! Vlad versus Rasputin would totally rock.

(and, yeah... my imaginary cojones may be as big as the world, but I'm still not ready to ride in an elevator with Vlad the Impaler.
posted by taz 17 August | 15:31
I could totally see Attilia the Hun kicking Vlad the Impaler's ass. AT A FATHER'S DAY PICNIC.
posted by Smart Dalek 17 August | 15:43
Torquemada. Thunderdome. Two men enter, one man leaves.
posted by moonbird 17 August | 15:47
My colleague here in the office would like to add Andrew Jackson to the mix.
posted by moonbird 17 August | 15:51
Vijay Singh. Hate him.
posted by papercake 17 August | 15:53
um ... taz? What I supposed to tell Vlad now that I've gotten his rotting corpse exhumed and reanimated? (and you don't want to know how many favors I had to call in pull it off, either!)
posted by yhbc 17 August | 15:54
er... Tell him that Smart Dalek thinks that Attila the Hun could kick his ass.

*hides under bed with Torquemada - Jessica Fletcher could kick his ass*
posted by taz 17 August | 15:58
Smart Dalek, how about at a youth hockey game?
posted by Hugh Janus 17 August | 15:59
Robert A. Heinlein at his peak.
posted by Mitheral 17 August | 16:13
Fight to fight: Tom DeLay. Oooh, do I ever want to smack him every time I see him.

Fight leading to sex: Kerry Wood. Even though he could probably kick my ass. ; )
posted by sisterhavana 17 August | 16:15
Carrie A. Nation would be at a disadvantage without her axe, but she'd still be 6 feet tall, so no dice.

Charlotte Perkins Gilman: well, it depends. She had a ton of righteous energy, but if I could catch her during one of her nervous breakdowns, I might have a shot. However, I could just see her throwing the cold washrag off her eyes with a big "Sike!" because she could be sneaky like that. I think it's safest just to pass.

So, I think I'll settle on Mary Baker Eddy, because afterwards she could heal us both and then we could go get some lemonade together.
posted by melissa may 17 August | 16:27
G. W. Bush. I am completely seriousness. Dead serious.
posted by kmellis 17 August | 17:19
The asshole who invented "no fault" auto insurance.

So still Stalin I guess.
posted by PinkStainlessTail 17 August | 17:27
I am completely seriousness.

Sorry, EB, just wanted to see that written out again. tee hee.
posted by 김치 17 August | 17:44
MetaChat: I am completely seriousness.

posted by amberglow 17 August | 17:50
HJ: :)
posted by Smart Dalek 17 August | 18:21
If it's hand-to-hand, I'd want to spar a little with the Venus de Milo. Prelim would be that annoying bitch who does radio commercials for her steakhouse in Dallas. Main event would be Ronald Reagan, who drops off the card at the last moment for being dead and is replaced by whoever first thought of spam.
posted by afj 17 August | 18:41
Main event would be Ronald Reagan, who drops off the card at the last moment for being dead

I dunno, even though he's dead, I'm pretty sure he can still put up a fight.
posted by 김치 17 August | 18:52
Nixon (zombie or otherwise) would be a good dirty fight.
posted by amberglow 17 August | 19:15
Stephen Hawkings.
posted by seanyboy 17 August | 19:33
... come on!!! I can't be the only one who thought that?
posted by seanyboy 17 August | 19:33
Apparantly not
posted by seanyboy 17 August | 19:36
yo, what's with the Calista Flockhart hate? whippet-thin women have rights, too. God knows I wish she was healthier than that, and I seriously think the corporate-induced obsession with ridiculously low weight is dangerous madness, but still.

and by the way, Ford was, like, 60 when he started dating Flockhart, wasn't he?
posted by matteo 17 August | 20:42
oh, and I'm nonviolent so I'd never hand-to-hand fight anybody, in the violent sense. in the case of fight-that-leads-to-sex I'd immediately surrender to quite a few people and get straight to the sex part. but I can't tell who they are, because some most of them are on MeCha/MeFi
posted by matteo 17 August | 20:46
I had matteos problem of wantng to snog some mefites/mechatters...but my lips are kinda sealed...
posted by Schyler523 18 August | 12:43
Oooooh you naughty boys!

On Calista: it's not her skinniness that bothers me (although she denies she's anorexic and I think she is), it's her insipid acting! Gah! I just want to shake her!

And yeah, Harrison was sixty-ish, but I'd totally date a hot sixty-year-old. Unless he'd dated Calista Flockhart.
posted by Specklet 18 August | 13:06
Oh, so we can skip the fighting and get straight to the good part, now? Excellent!

*eyes group appreciatively*
posted by Frisbee Girl 18 August | 13:15
If we're going to have a fight, we should do it properly.
posted by seanyboy 18 August | 13:43
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