Cum here boy! Cum on!

That dog's got the white stuff!

Captain Lena Thor

I'd start there.

One day, Xena (the semen-sniffing dog) was sitting the park, minding her own business..watching the squirrels chase each other from tree to tree, laughing at the junkies trying to find an uncollapsed vein. That sort of thing.

Then a very attractive woman goes by jogging and Xena notices a funny smell coming from her crotch. She thinks about it second and then realizes "Hey! that's Dudley Moore's semen! That jogger just fucked Dudley Moore!"

Off she goes chasing the jogger (I think her name was Cindy), tearing out the neck out of her handler when he tries to stop her. This, of course, scares the shit out of the Cindy who hauls ass out of the park, all the while trying to keep the load she just dropped in her brand new Guici jogging suit from spilling onto the ground.

So then Xena hides in the bushes a moment before putting her stealth training to use and she is able to follow Cindy home secretly. When Cindy goes into the bathroom to clean up her mess, Xena jumps through the window, lands on Cindy who smashes her head against the Italian marble tile and dies instantly. Xena licks the shit off her paws from when stepped on Cindy's pants and finds her way to the bedroom.

She climbs up into bed, pulls the satin sheets up to her nose and waits. Dudley comes home about an hour later. He's been drinking but he's not too drunk to fuck so he stumbles into Cindy's room, undresses and climbs into bed.

He notices Ciindy's pubes seem especially short yet not as neatly trimmed as usual. He goes down on her anyway. This is what Xena being waiting for and she drifts off into euphoria. When she comes to, she realizes Dudley has mounted her. This clearly unnatural act pisses off Xena to no end and she let's out a loud bark.

Dudley says "Cindy, honey, you should a bit hoarse, give me a second to finish up and then I'll go fix you a nice tequila and honey tea."

"All the better to eat you with," Xena replies sharply and bites off Dudley's Moore's wee-wee. She carries it proudly back to the station and serves it to the Chief of Police with relish on a hot dog bun.

The Chief says "This hot dog is delicious Xena. Is it a Ballpark Frank™?"

Xena replies "No, it was made by The Aristocrats."

"...Trying out for the Ashley Whippet Invitational, are we?"

Here's another:

"Sorry, Balto. You're way too early."

More:

"What good will Xena the semen-sniffing dog do, comrade?
Belka, Strelka, Damka, Krasavka, Chernushka, Zvezdochka, Veterok, and Ugolek have already gone around the world, many, many times. Not to mention that Laika, Bars, Lisichka, Pchelka, and Mushka ran completely out of breath!"

... talk about man's best friend! (ba-dum-bum-tish!)

But seriously folks, how do they train these guys? And are the officers donating to the bucket-o-training splooge?

Or have they instituted a new form of community service in Sweden? The judge says, "Three lapsed parking citations, huh? I hereby order you to pay $80 in fines and donate semen once a week to the canine training units for the next three months.

"What's that? No, we will provide you with a cup for the donation sir, but you can use a copy of Dog Fancy if you find that sort of thing 'inspirational'."

Schyler523 - I sent him what you wrote, and my friend took it further with, "FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP... Fetch, Boy!"

wolfdaddy - I hear/see ya... but where to go with the god/godess jokes?

Smart Dalek - with you I plead either blond or drunk. Explica, por favor?

danostuporstar - Timely, amusing, but not quite over the top. Let's throw a relative of Cindy's in there for the incest, and I think we have a true aristocrats joke.

whatnot - That is where Dayv started with this. Good promise, or a good spring board.

Thanks guys! You're the salt in my stew, the cream in my dog food for my semen sniffing dog!

ermmm.
Radical Dog saving animal right types let all the tracker dogs loose and it's up to the dog handler to sort them out. Unfortunately, there's no supply of drugs bombs or semen, so they've got to work it out another way.
She's asked how he's gonna sort them.
Well, he says - the ones that are twitching now are the bomb disposal dogs. The ones that start twitching in three hours, they're the drug dogs.
What about the semen dogs, asks someone. When will they start twitching.
"Oh", says the handler, "they won't start twitching, but it's easy to tell which they are. They're the ones with the great complexions."

There. Off the top of my head, and the best I could do.

ff: C'mon, you can Google the names. In fact, I already gave you the "space dogs" link. Not otherwise getting the "Whippet", "other dog coming early",and "around the world" double entrendres, of course, would mean-

-OH, NOES METACHAT!!11 WE GOT US A VIRGIN HERE!!11

• Barkkake?
• Out, out damned Spot?
• "Lassie Cum Home"?
• Snoopy^x100?
• Spooge Mackensie? *
• ...and then there's always Laika. [insert joke here. No? Okay here's one for you.]

Congressman: "Phtt. Some tracker dog. He's been sitting in the corner smelling his own butt all afternoon."

Handler: "I knew I shouldn't have taken him to Rick Santorum's prayer breakfast..."