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09 August 2005

How To Tell How Gay Your Gay Son Is (fafblog)
...Place two photographs in front of your son lying face down. On the left place a photograph of Tom Welling, TV's gay Superman; on the right place the stern but genial visage of James Dobson. Flip them over simultaneously. Which does your son look at first? If he looks at Tom Welling, he is gay. If he looks at James Dobson, he is gay with an unnatural fixation for James Dobson. ...

post by: amberglow at: 20:20 | 21 comments

(it's a takeoff on Focus on the Family/Dobson's recent series on gay kids and how to make them not gay--see Sadly No's "Save Your Son from Gayness in Seven Easy Steps!"

posted by amberglow 09 August | 20:24

If your child is experiencing several signs of gender confusion, professional help is available. It’s best to seek that help before your child reaches puberty.

“By the time the adolescent hormones kick in during early adolescence, a full-blown gender identity crisis threatens to overwhelm the teenager,” warns psychologist Dr. James Dobson. To compound the problem, many of these teens experience “great waves of guilt accompanied by secret fears of divine retribution.”

*snort* Meh?! MEH! Gee, I dunno, could that last bit be due to all the bible-thumpin', dogma-spewing, indoctrinatin' and hatin' unrelenting fucktards?

Why can't they just come right out and say "SEE? STUPID FAGGOT! BEING GAY IS BAD! BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE GAY PEOPLE HATE YOU, THEREFORE IT'S BAD! BAD FAGGOT, BAD! AND SOCIETY WILL OSTRACIZE YOU AND BEAT YOU UP AND CALL YOU "FAGGOT", FAGGOT! *Thwap to the head* STOP GENDERFUCKING MY PIGEONHOLES, YOU FILTHY HOMO GAY PERSON YOU! I CAN'T TELL IF I'M SUPPOSED TO FUCK YOU OR FIGHT YOU! AND I CAN'T HAVE THAT. I REQUIRE CLEAR, CONCISE GENDER ROLES FOR MY FIGHT OR FUCK DECISION MAKING TREE. AAAAIEEE! STOP CONFUSING ME!"

posted by loquacious 09 August | 20:32

Oh my lord, the Focus on Your Child article is ridiculous. How on earth does one "think" effeminately? James Dobson and his entire organization can kiss my ass.

posted by LeeJay 09 August | 20:33

there's more: A number of them had traits that could be considered gifts: bright, precocious, social and relational, and artistically talented.

unbelievable

posted by amberglow 09 August | 20:37

Casually ask your son at dinner, "So, ever have sex with a woman?" If he appears confident, or even uncomfortable, he's a lesbian. Lesbians like sex with women.

Place two more photographs in fromt of your son, lying face down. On the left, place a photograph of Lucy Lawless, TV's lesbian Xena; on the right, the musically talented Melissa Etheridge. Flip them over simultaneously. Which does your son look at first? If he looks at Lucy Lawless, he's a lesbian. If he looks at Melissa Etheridge, he may not be interested in sex. Which is when you should start worrying...

posted by Smart Dalek 09 August | 20:41

actually the only acid test is gay porn. Only gay guys and women can look at it. str8 dudes are repelled. Of course, I'm so straight I'm gay, which is how I managed to watch Queer as Folk. That and it was funny as hell. I've used that "Hey, Dawson, how's things down at the creek," line to taunt youngsters numerous times.

If he looks at Lucy Lawless, he's a lesbian.

Uh-oh. Break out the softball uniforms and kd lang records.

posted by jonmc 09 August | 20:43

This makes me want to beat the shit out of the local homophobes...but i am way outnumbered...

*seethes*

posted by Schyler523 09 August | 23:30

sorry, i got a little carried away there.

posted by loquacious 09 August | 23:42

I also hit preview and walked away to cook dinner apprarently.

posted by loquacious 09 August | 23:43

A number of them had traits that could be considered gifts: bright, precocious, social and relational, and artistically talented.

If that makes one's son gay, well then, by God, I WANT my son to be gay! It kind of portrays us breeders as knuckle-draggers, when you think about it....

posted by Doohickie 09 August | 23:51

i posted the jokes about this, but it's deadly serious--so many kids that aren't like other kids are in danger from this ass.

posted by amberglow 10 August | 00:43

i pray for the rapture every day...hoping that once the world is free of fundamentalist morons it'll be an ok place to live.

posted by Schyler523 10 August | 00:51

I was waiting at my mom's house here in Houston to meet a plumber (insert whatever you like between these lines) and--since she has cable and I don't--I went a'channel surfin' of a Sunday Morn.

Came across a guy giving a sermon to what looked like about a bazillion people, preaching about the evils of homosexuality. Talking about how the median age of homosexual men is, like, 45 or something.

OF COURSE IT IS IDIOT! We're missing an entire generation or so from your convenient statistics, I screamed out loud right as the plumber walked into the open front door.

Sigh. I love Texas. Really. I do. Love. Texas.

posted by WolfDaddy 10 August | 04:19

Psychologist Robert Stoller said, “Masculinity is an achievement.” In other words, “growing up straight isn’t something that happens. It requires good parenting. It requires societal support. And it takes time.”

It's so true. You need to keep pruning your child's pre-sexuality like a bonsai, carefully nipping off those branch buds that might sprout into verdant gayfronds, soon to grow heavy with the overripe succulent fruits of decadent man-love*. Cuz heterosexuality doesn't just happen, you know. Takes some elbow grease. And a lot of loving spanks. And the kind of iron will that, through vigorous training, can resist the heavenly siren song of sleek, racehorse-muscled male virility....... (Bob Stoller unexpectedly faints from the vapors.)

*lady-love doesn't seem to really concern these guys.

posted by maryh 10 August | 04:40

It's so true. You need to keep pruning your child's pre-sexuality like a bonsai, carefully nipping off those branch buds that might sprout into verdant gayfronds, soon to grow heavy with the overripe succulent fruits of decadent man-love*. Cuz heterosexuality doesn't just happen, you know. Takes some elbow grease. And a lot of loving spanks. And the kind of iron will that, through vigorous training, can resist the heavenly siren song of sleek, racehorse-muscled male virility....... (Bob Stoller unexpectedly faints from the vapors.)

/me fangirls you. That was beautiful.

posted by LeeJay 10 August | 07:25

wolf, he got that stat from Cameron's bs "science"--Cameron read the obits in gay newspapers and took all the ages and decided that it was the life expectancy for all of us. It's not.

mary : >

posted by amberglow 10 August | 07:54

*thinks wistfully of the storms of adolescence*

posted by warbaby 10 August | 10:29

Oh, I know that, ambermary, but many people choose not to. Just like they choose not to acknowledge clinical terms like MSM or WSW rather than "gay". Why so many choose to deny the broad spectrum of sexuality inherent in the species is beyond me.

*applauds maryh*

posted by WolfDaddy 10 August | 12:39

Wow did I just call you "ambermary"? SEE? There ARE gay old people! ;-P

posted by WolfDaddy 10 August | 13:54

Hmph. Melissa is way hotter than Lucy.

posted by deborah 10 August | 14:58

no prob, marydaddy!

posted by amberglow 10 August | 22:21

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