MetaChat - Ew!

Just tell him, 1) you have a boyfried and 2) you're not interested. If he persists, go to his superior.

posted by jonmc 07 July | 14:24

Boyfreind, not "boyfried," although who knows, maybe you've got one of them, too.

posted by jonmc 07 July | 14:25

If he's this clueless, don't be ambiguous. It may be time to tell him to stop bothering you. His response will tell you what the next step will be.

posted by warbaby 07 July | 14:26

"no, thank you. Please don't ask me again".

posted by gaspode 07 July | 14:27

yeah, women hate it when i do that to them.

posted by dodgygeezer 07 July | 14:28

Have you tried:

-I didn't even hear on the news today that Hell froze over.
-I'd rather have sand poured in my eyes.
-I don't date people from the office. Or at least not the creepy ones.
-Let's just pretend we've already dated and we're already on the uncomfortable post-break up stage. I need some time alone now.
-I don't mean to brag, but I'm sort of out of your league.
-How could you even think about something so petty during these uncertain times?
-No, I don't think so.
-Idon't want to spoil our friendship. Well, not exactly friendship, more like casual acquaintances who hardly talk. I don't want to spoil that.

posted by Slack-a-gogo 07 July | 14:29

Don't even tell him you have a boyfriend, that's none of his business, just tell him no thank you and if he persists go to his superior. You don't ever have to give a reason why you don't want to and in fact it implies that he has some claim on you that can only be excused by circumstances.

Alternately tell him you'd love to and can you meet at the local scientology center?

posted by Divine_Wino 07 July | 14:30

Date Excuses

posted by AlexReynolds 07 July | 14:30

Dear Coworker,

Coffee and lunch are both things I like best by myself. Another thing I like is my space at work. Please respect me, and my intention to keep my workplace clear of clutter, by not pursuing me here.

I have avoided bluntness in the past to preserve workplace harmony. Your email today, by making me uncomfortable, has forced my hand.

We work together. That is all. I do not want anything else from you. Not lunch, not coffee, and definitely not any special attention.

My father gave me these words of advice when I started my first job at [insert first job here]: "Don't shit where you eat." I hope they serve you well, too.

Regards,

Specklet

posted by Hugh Janus 07 July | 14:31

-Idon't want to spoil our friendship. Well, not exactly friendship, more like casual acquaintances who hardly talk. I don't want to spoil that.

hah.

posted by Divine_Wino 07 July | 14:31

jonmc, I actually don't have a boyfried, but knowing your culinary propensities, I was kind of thinking of asking you if you were interested...

Slack-a-gogo, you're awesome.

Okay, all, thanks for your suggestions. The sentiment is there, it's just the wording I need to work out.

I just can't believe how lacking in social graces this guy is. This is the guy who came over to my desk one day and blurted out (with no preamble) "Hey, are you still going out with what's-his-name?"

Oy.

posted by Specklet 07 July | 14:51

Hey, are you still going out with what's-his-name?

(sorry)

posted by Hugh Janus 07 July | 14:54

[joey ramone]

hey little girl, I wanna be your boyfried
hey little girl....

*gets battered and thrown in hot oil*

Ahhhhh....

[sizzle]

posted by jonmc 07 July | 14:56

Hey Daddio I don’t wanna go down to the basement
There’s something down there
I don’t wanna go… Hey Romeo!
There’s something down there

posted by Divine_Wino 07 July | 15:00

So I just replied, simply, "Oh, thanks for the invite, but no thanks." Although what I really wanted to say was either "I don't date people from the office. Or at least not the creepy ones." or "I don't mean to brag, but I'm sort of out of your league."

I feel bad, but

No, wait a second, I don't feel bad, he's made me feel awkward! Let's get him! Raaaaah!

posted by Specklet 07 July | 15:00

Ha! Slack-a-gogo, that was a good chuckle!!

Specklet, be very clear and firm and do not discard the exchanges. If things escalate, you'll need them as documentation.

No need to be a jerk, but don't try and spare his feelings or soften the blow. I'm watching a very ugly situation go down between two people and the guy has pursued his advances on the gal to the point of outright animosity on her part. He remains honestly flabbergasted and still can't figure out what went wrong, citing every time she's said, 'that's sweet, but', 'you're nice, but', etc. Hearing only her kindness and none of the negations.

All of this from a near 40 year old PhD. The social challenged are everywhere.

Oh, and I'm with D_W, your boyfriend has nothing to do with this situation and is none of his business.

posted by Frisbee Girl 07 July | 15:01

All you have to say is, "Thank you for asking, but I can't". Smile. Turn your back and do something else.

posted by puddinghead 07 July | 15:13

Specklet, did you tell him face to face, or did you email him?

posted by iconomy 07 July | 15:16

Ooops, specklet, I missed your post. Very well done.

posted by puddinghead 07 July | 15:17

I feel sorry for this dude.

posted by kenko 07 July | 15:28

Me too, on a certain level, kenko, but Specklet's gotta look out for herself, too. She tried being gentle.

And we all go through socially awkward periods, I know I did (I still can be sometimes) and it can hurt having your personality trapped behind nervousness and awkwardness. So I feel for both parties here. I'm not interested in piling on the guy.

posted by jonmc 07 July | 15:40

[joey ramone]

hey little girl, I wanna be your boyfried
hey little girl....
posted by jonmc 07 July | 14:56

That is sooooo weird. Guess what song I'm listening to right now? Creepy.

posted by mudpuppie 07 July | 16:11

Guess what song I'm listening to right now?

"New York's alright if you like saxophones", by Fear?

posted by Divine_Wino 07 July | 16:15

"Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?"

"They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!!"?

posted by jonmc 07 July | 16:21

"They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!!"?
posted by jonmc 07 July | 16:21

I resent that.

posted by mudpuppie 07 July | 16:23

You should hear the sequel, "I'm Happy They Took You Away, Ha-Haa!" by Josephine XV.

(no, I am not kidding)

posted by jonmc 07 July | 16:28

"Sorry, I don't date people I work with."

I feel for you, though, Specklet...I have a guy in my Jaycee chapter like that.

posted by sisterhavana 07 July | 16:48

iconomy, I emailed him. He just now replied "ok".

Don't feel sorry for him. He's not a shy guy with a great hidden side, he's a weird jerk. He's a lech and although socially inept, does not deserve patience. Plus, he's got pictures of the whoriest looking woman tacked up at his desk. Plus, how much attention he pays me is proportional to how tight my shirt is. I mean, I know I'm hot and all, but come on.

I can't help thinking about it, but I know I'm masturbatory fantasies for this guy.

On preview: I didn't want to tell him I don't date people in the office, because he'd claim he was just asking as a friend.

posted by Specklet 07 July | 16:50

I can't help thinking about it, but I know I'm masturbatory fantasies for this guy.

If you feel at any moment this might be happening, concentrate with all your will on having his mental image of you morph into Janet Reno dressed as Wonder Woman, unless I've messed up the calculations he won't be able to wank for a week.

posted by Divine_Wino 07 July | 16:54

Janet Reno...
...dressed as Wonder Woman?

Why do you do this to me?

Be still, my beating heart.

posted by Hugh Janus 07 July | 16:55

Even the weird jerks—especially the weird jerks, whom it's less likely someone will come to appreciate—are deserving of sympathy.

posted by kenko 07 July | 17:10

On that level, you're right, kenko, and I do have compassion for a fellow human.

But it would be no skin off my nose if I never saw him again. He makes me feel icky.

And D_W, where do you come up with these things?!

posted by Specklet 07 July | 17:19

I was raised by hippie wolves and educated by the NYC public school system and Quakers, no one wants to see the inside of my head, it could chase the buzzards off a dungheap.

posted by Divine_Wino 07 July | 17:23

Well put, kenko.

But posting skeezy, tasteless pictures in your office is just asking for it. "It" being not being appreciated, not deserving of sympathy, etc. Reap what you sow - especially when it comes to objectification and skeeziness.

At first I was thinking "Man, what a bunch of ego-crushing pricks in this thread. Poor, shy dude's gonna get crushed and go all postal and shit."

And then I stopped thinking that real quick.

I mean, I'm shy, weird, and sometimes/often jerky. But it's more of that confused sort of nerd-dork jerkiness, not the "I love strip clubs and wet t-shirts and cold days with tight sweaters oh and I only drink domestic American macro-beer" sort of jerkiness.

Specklet, you should probably let your HR department or manager or someone at your work know that he makes you feel icky and uncomfortable - especially if you can couch it in terms that it's not a severe, actionable problem, but that you want it on the record for future use. Especially if there's suggestive, tasteless pictures in his cube/office or whatever. And especially if he asks you out a second time after a firm "No."

posted by loquacious 07 July | 17:31

I emailed him. He just now replied "ok".

*puts away the torches and pitchforks*

posted by deborah 07 July | 17:39

I actually kind of disappointed that his reply to my reply was so innocuous, nothing like being able to use those torches and pitchforks...

Seriously, I do feel for him on some level, but mostly I wish he'd just leave me alone. He once caught me by surprise and took a picture of me with his cell phone, and I think that unless I'd told him specifically "don't put that up at work" he would have put my pic up there right with all the whorey girls he's taken pictures of.

One of my superiors is my friend, and he knows that the guy bugs me. I'll also save the emails, just in case, but I don't think I'll have to do anything about it, save for put up with his "subtle" ploys for my attention.

posted by Specklet 07 July | 18:08

Damn. That's totally inappropriate, especially at work.

If some known skeezoid took a picture of me, I'd take his/her damn phone and crush it right then and there - or at least gouge out the camera part out with something sharp and pointy.

posted by loquacious 07 July | 18:13

I was feeling a bit sorry for this guy, but the more you describe him, the worse he sounds. Don;t worry about his feelings - crush the sick bastard.

posted by dg 07 July | 18:45

That's the spirit, dg! I crush like bug!

My boyfriend suggested I tell him he's a jealous knife collector.

posted by Specklet 07 July | 19:10

I like all sorts of completely different people, and get along very well with shy people, socially inept, wacky, off the wall, counter-culture, subculture, geeky, freaky, whatever... but on those very few occasions that someone of any stripe strikes me that way - gives me the icky, clammy creeps, I just write 'em off, and have as little to do with them as possible. It's coming from instinct, which has always been vewy, vewy good to me.

Which is to say, BURN HIM!! Er, no... I really meant - no need to be rude unless he pushes it, but don't feel bad about going with your honest reaction, and I echo those who say don't explain, don't engage.

posted by taz 07 July | 19:15

"Hey, you're a jealous knife collector!"—eh, doesn't sound too threatening.

posted by kenko 07 July | 19:16

Silly kenko.

Yeah, taz, there are very few people that I actively dislike, but this guy just rubs me the wrong way. I trust my instincts for sure.

I'm polite to him, there's no reason to be rude; I don't want to make him feel bad, even if it turns out he really is a scumbag.

And I don't engage at all. I answer his questions (do you have a boyfriend, do you like living in Portland, do you have any tattoos) honestly but very, very briefly. And I never ask him anything, except for the obligatory "did you have a nice weekend" when someone asks you how your weekend was.

I sure wish there was a good-lookin' flirt in the office. I'm the only chick, you'd think there'd be at least one guy to entertain me, but nooooo.

posted by Specklet 07 July | 19:40

Aw. Never mind; we're always here to flirt with you.

posted by taz 07 July | 19:44

You should seek help for your histrionic ways. You're obviously making this whole situation out to be much more dramatic than it already is. He probably looked at you once. Maybe you didn't seem to be too firm on the whole boyfriend thing. Either way, your actions don't match your words, and it doesn't take a scientist to figure that one out.

posted by michelob 07 July | 19:45

Wha? michelob, are you for real?

posted by Specklet 07 July | 19:47

Specklet - get out! He's posting from inside your office!

posted by taz 07 July | 19:48

Aaaaaa! taz, save me!

posted by Specklet 07 July | 20:01

Reminder: Michelob = angry modem. So, no, he's not for real. Not in any sense I would take seriously.

posted by loquacious 07 July | 20:07

Aaaaaa! taz, save me!

*Mixes Michelob with flour and sugar to make beer bread; eats beer bread. Burps.*

posted by taz 07 July | 20:19

that's just wrong taz. Calling Michelob beer. That swill is sub-Budweiser.

posted by jonmc 07 July | 20:26

Calling Michelob beer. That swill is sub-Budweiser.
posted by jonmc 07 July | 20:26

That's sort of like saying Paris Hilton is sub-Britney Spears, no?

posted by mudpuppie 07 July | 20:37

Slack-a-gogo...hysterical!

Specklet...always, always, always trust your instincts about the ones that make you feel icky/creeped out. The only times I've ever been hurt (physically) are when I ignored my gut instincts about someone. The camera thing...way too passive/aggro for my tastes.

posted by PsychoKitty 07 July | 23:38

Blah. I trust my intuition, because that's what a person has to do, but judging the merits of your own intuition is like judging the frequency of coincidences. You forget all the times you're wrong.

You arrive on campus with about a billion students. You get off the bus, and a bunch go this way and a bunch go that way. A bunch head off in the direction you're going, way, way across campus. Slowly a few of these drop off, until... of course. There's just one. A girl. And as you take twist and turn together, she starts glancing over her shoulder in increasing nervousness (and I'm the last kind of guy to inspire fear in anybody). This has happened more times than I can count, and it alternates between funny and pathetic. I used to stop, read something, grab some water from a fountain, to provide some space, because the stares would get hostile, but that pissed me off. Like I shouldn't be able to go straight to class? Anyway, that was a long time ago, on a campus far more paranoid than it probably is now. Sure, you play it safe, but the old "if he creeps you out" is about as valid as "gaydar".

I give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's hopelessly socially inept. In which case, yes, you have to be *direct* and *clear*. But not cruel. Lord knows I've had to be direct and clear a few times.

posted by dreamsign 07 July | 23:50

Ew! The creepy MeFite who ogles me non-stop and has no social graces has just posted in a thread asking me out for "coffee or lunch"! Gah!

posted by Specklet 08 July | 17:05

Go for cruel.

posted by Hugh Janus 08 July | 17:12

≡ Click to see image ≡

posted by dodgygeezer 08 July | 17:15

07 July 2005