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I would, but right now I'm sweating like a stuck pig. It should be better tomorrow, the good lord willing and the creek don't rise. If so, I'll do it in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
The Purpose of the NCHPA shall be to foster, develop and promote the sport of horseshoe pitching on all levels - local, state, regional and national - both as a recreational pastime and a competitive sport.
I walk in with a few friends, one of whom just received a bottle of eau de cologne as a gift from his steady girl. He plans to ditch us later and get laid, so he's smothered in the stuff (nothing says "fuck me" like watery eyes and an itchy nose).
An old woman at the end of the bar (subsequent visits would transform her into the old woman at the end of the bar) looks up, sniffs loudly and hollers:
"You stink real pretty, boy. What'd you roll in?"
So my friend, to assuage his own battered feelings, ignores her scowl and our laughter, looks the bartender in the eye and postures:
"I'll have a Bud, draft."
To which the old woman at the end of the bar responds with a cackle:
This thread is as dumb as a three-dollar dog, and as crazy as a shithouse rat. More often than not, it just goes to show that some people couldn't catch on if they fell on a light switch. Such tornado bait might well be doomed as a coyote breakfast. All would therefore be good as dead, bait for the buzzards.
This thread's about as much use as a chocolate teapot; as much fun as having your bollocks squeezed in a vice; as bent as a five bob note. I mean. Toys in the attic, a sandwich short of a full picnic. If I wasn't sweating like a rapist right now, I'd be putting my best foot backward; I'd be strung out like a goose on lard, I'd be sending a message to god on the big white telephone. As it is, I could crush a grape and tear a wet tissue.
I made the last one up.
I'm cleverer than a rabbit with a degree in advanced quantum physics.
And I made that one up too.
I'm as repetitive as twenty goto ten.
And now I'm running out of ideas ... like a blind stag.
seanboy wrapped that donkey in gingham and taught it to type. To do any better I'd have to be looser than a left handed senator at a Turkish petting zoo in July. And the other posts here make Lebanese pastry chefs look like a cigar box full of maladjusted jumping beans. Sorry, but the golden leprechaun's got my spleen in the pickle jar and he won't let go until Kris Kristofferson's bulldog sees the voting side of a peppercorn salad.
Ahaha, seanyboy, you just reminded me: "busier than a whore on dollar day."
Well, any whore who sells it for a dollar has got to uglier than a cumstain on a shithouse wall, or maybe even uglier than Death backing out of an outhouse reading Mad magazine.
If you said what I think you just said, Slack-a-gogo, then you'd better piss or get off the pot. My back teeth are floatin'.
Seannyboy --man, you are about as ornery as a horny toad what's been spat upon with a week-old pinch of chaw. I could swing a dead cat in here without hitting a single nice thing you might've said, and that's a real shame. Why just the other day, I was tellin' folks how you were as good as gold, right as rain, and right up there with Abe Lincoln and Moses. But land sakes, you are one stingy old goat when you get your dander up! I don't know what burr got in your britches, or if you're just some broken down sea dog ready to cuss like a shipwrecked sailor cuz' you ain't got yer land legs again...but man, you could smack the limbs clear off a tadpole at twenty paces with so much as a wayward stare when you've a good mind to be in a foul mood! I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole in so much as two shakes of a lamb's tail, even if you asked me in your Sunday best. Saints alive, you could shut my mouth and paint me red!
Two guys are fishing on a dock. One guy puts a worm on his hook, throws it in the water and waits. The guy next to him reaches into a sack, pulls out a small hairy object, sniffs it, puts it on the hook, casts and immediately catches a fish. He repeats this 7 times, always catching a fish while the other guy catches nothing.
"Just what are you using for bait, man?"
"Well, a buddy of mine works at the mortuary, and he takes the pussies off the dead bodies. The fish love 'em."
You're all nicer than nuns practicing in the practice hall of the "Best Nice Nun" Annual convention and award show. Really. You're sweeter than honey, warm as a piece of the sun. You make me happier than a monkey in a turd factory. You guys. You gals. Like whiskers on kittens, like warm fluffy mittens. Somebody call the love ambulance because your big hearts are killing me. You're like mom's apple pie, the white picket fence. In fact, I'm so happy right now I may just explode.
You're a real golden ray of sunshine. The apple of everyone's eye. Why can't you be a bright penny all the time? Most of the time, you're more fun than the ring toss at the county fair, but when you get up from the wrong side of the bed, everyone's up in arms!
I'm not askin' you to put on your finest bib n' tucker, and nobody here's expecting fair mind from a Pollyanna, but maybe you oughta settle off the steam a bit, before drawing another breath from the corncob pipe.
I'd love to join y'all, but it's hotter than seven barrels of owl piss 'round here right now, and that always leaves me as worthless as tits on a boar. Then again, if you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly. Right?
Boy howdy, my brother was just telling me about a woman so ugly he'd chew his arm off rather than wake her up in the morning...called her Coyote Dawn. I've seen her down to the bar, and boy, if she don't pack it into them jeans like two scoops of ice cream under demin duress. She popped off a Lee Nail to pry open her can of MGD, and proclaimed herself to be the purtiest thing since they put lipstick on the mule. She said she was ready to take her place as Queen of this here hodown. Now, y'all know I do hate to be mean, cruel just ain't my nature, but I had to up and tell her; Listen, just cause my cat gives birth in the oven, that don't make them kittens biscuits.
this thread's not going to be done til hell freezes over and the devil goes ice skating ... but you can't tell which way the train's gone by looking at the tracks
my advice? ... never get in a pissing contest with a skunk
- Useless as tits on a boar hog
- Colder'n a witch's tit in a Walla Walla windstorm
- Going like a clatter-bone up a goose's ass
- Do bears shit in the buckwheat?
- Hornier than a three peckered billy goat
- Clumsy as a bear club playing with his pecker
- This is as crazy as trying to herd cats
- I'm so hungry I can eat the asshole out of a snake
- More nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs
- That's finer than frog hair
- Dumber than a box of rocks
- Scarcer than hens teeth
- That's mutton dressed up like lamb
- Crazier than a shit house rat
i forgot the best one ... whenever a friend of mine from the hills drew a blank, or forgot something, she said she was "having one of them boo radley moments"
Dumber'n a bag a hammers. Elvis done left the building. Not the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree. Not firing on all cylinders. A couple cards short of a full deck, if you get my meaning.
photo by splunge
photo by TheophileEscargot
photo by Kronos_to_Earth
photo by ethylene
