ahha! that was a good one. I don't have a story myself, but yours was classic.

Wow. That was so bad in such a good way.

"No thanks, I don't do snacks." (gross guy at the urinal next to me at a bar)

Worst: I know you are but what am I?

Best: Bitchass punk!

Mine was in high school. It was immature and petty but oh so sweet. There was this kid who made fun of me constantly because I was six feet tall and chubby. Constantly. Every day he found a new way to make me feel like complete shit, usually in front of a large group of his friends. And since I was meek and shy I just took it. I should mention here that the guy was really short. He couldn't have been more than 5'1" or 5'2".

One day in Spanish class our teacher decided to show a filmstrip and this guy was picked to turn the projector. At one point he was having trouble turning to the next frame and the teacher asked him if he was having problems. I said loud enough for the whole class to hear, "Yeah, he's too short to reach the projector." And the whole class laughed at him.

Ok, when I type it all out it seems like a really weak comeback (and it's technically not a comeback I guess) but at the time seeing HIM laughed at, seeing HIM redfaced made me feel great.

One night I was waiting for the light to turn green on a street corner in Vancouver. A dishevelled man walked up to the curb, turned to look at me and said, "I'm god" in a blunt matter of fact way. The light turned green and we were now making our way across the street (he was doing some crazy dance/side step/bouncing walk) when I replied, "I don't believe in god therefor you don't exist." We walked a few more steps before he swivelled on his foot, completely enraged and screamed, "I'm god asshole!"

Ooh, squeak -- god's pissed at you!

and nutty as a loon ;)

Oh mudpuppie, we had similar experiences. Arrived early to a new movie showing and were rewarded with decent seats. After a while the place is packed and the lights dim. Right from the get go, 2 people behind us begin talking; they're talking about the credits. Well mostly just one of them is talking, but the other is clearly going along with it. Then the movie begins and they're inanely going on about the damn scene. Finally, I turn around and rudely tell them to keep it down. That's when I learn that one of them is blind. Not to be outdone, I snapped back that it would have been nice to know that before the movie started.

Feisty, that reminds me of Brian narrating the Blair Witch Project on Family Guy. Classic.

Not me, but Harold Bishop from Neigbhours was supposedly doing a tour of the set when a member of the public asked him why he was so fat.
M.O.P: Why are you so fat?
H.B.: Because every time I fucked your mother, she gave me a biscuit.

Last time I was on stage I got a heckler who was going on about how creepy my new set was (First Person stuff about stalking; I guess it was sort of creepy.) I stopped, and told him he was my first heckler, and how good that was, and would he be my friend. And what was his phone number, and could I stay at his house. It was remarkable how quiet he went, and how much the audience laughed.

I would've loved to see that. :))

Oh god, Feisty, I had the same thing happen to me at a Goodfellas screening. It was just mortifying....
I had no comeback, of course, but to sulk into my popcorn. That showed 'er.

Seanyboy, I've seen that 'fucked your mother' line used to someone's face. Pretty funny.

Mudpuppie just used a phrase that I would like to see gain currency. Instead of the lamentable "Oh, Snap!" I would love to hear:

"Ooh, squeak!"

I always come up with the best comebacks right after the time to used them has passed. Like the time when, um.... hang on a minute, I'll remember.... um....

My oldest two brothers were constantly picking on me when I was little. Slapping me around, verbal abuse, making me feel like nothing in general. They were ten and seven years older than me and I couldn't effectively defend myself either verbally or physically. My parents always told me I should just take it because the boys were "just trying to have fun with me", but my mother did have one shining moment. When I was eleven I suddenly went from scrawny to chubby, and my oldest brother kept saying "Fat calves! Fat calves!" and then would moo at me. He did this every time he saw me for weeks.

I complained to my mother, and for once instead of telling me I should "just laugh" she gave me a comeback.

So when a few hours later my oldest brother came along and did his little routine, I was more than ready.

I said, "Chubby buttucks! Chubby buttucks!" and oinked at him.

I will never forget the look on his face. He was astounded and speechless. He simply said nothing. And he never did that routine again.

Someone called me a cunt to which my hilarious quickfire wit automatically responded "You are what you eat, boycock"

I also chokeslammed someone who called me that another time but I was very, very drunk on that occasion.

Mine is really evil. Y'all will never look at me the same way again. My (now ex of many years) husband was in the process of leaving me for another woman. In a fit of total fury I packed all his shit into the car - no boxes or bags or anything, I just tossed it all in. Then I took it over to her house and dumped it all over her lawn. There was a big scene and I shouted "You wanted him, you got him! He comes with accessories!"

I know this is painful & embarrassing & all but I still think it was the best line I ever came up with.

That's beautiful, mygothlaundry! Wish I could have been there helping.

Shit, mygothlaundry, I wish I had done that to my ex! Brilliant!

mygothlaundry, you're my new hero.

Yeah, thats a good one mygothlaundry. But I have to give the win to longbaugh for the chokeslam.

When I was about 15, my dad went out looking to buy a new truck and took me with him. We stopped at the Ford dealer, the Chevy dealer, and the GMC dealer, in that order. At the GMC dealer, the salesman was droning on and on about how wonderful GMC trucks were compared to any other truck. At the end of his spiel, he asked Dad "...and do you know what the biggest difference between GMC and Chevy trucks is?"

I quickly jumped in with "GMC trucks use lock-washers?"

Dad cracked up, the salesman was mortified, and we left and bought the Ford.

I don't know if this counts.

I was crossing Allen St. at Canal St., a big intersection between a busy, narrow street (Canal) and a busy, divided wide street (Allen) here in New York. I had the walk light.

A silver Mercedes came towards me, intending to turn left onto Allen from the oncoming lane of Canal. Unlike most left-turners in a situation like this, this driver chose not to pause and wait for pedestrians.

Looking right at me, he steered his car towards my knees. I spun out of the way. As the car passed, I continued the spin with my right foot and connected with his left taillight, cracking the plastic and popping the bulb.

Now, if you don't know Allen St. down there, it's divided by about a lane's worth of park (sidewalk) all the way up to Houston St. To discourage jaywalking, there is an iron fence along the edge of the road.

The driver of the Mercedes, after I kicked his taillight in, immediately pulled over to the left, next to the fence. I ran over, and as he tried to open his door, I stared him down and growled, "Get back in your car," as I slammed his own door on him.

He tried opening the door again, and I slammed it again, repeating myself. "Get back in your car!"

He drove away.

I guess that's not really a comeback, and may confirm for some of you what a big asshole I am. If you're one of the latter, and you really think pedestrians should be dodging traffic lawbreakers, I have one thing to say to you:

"Get back in your car."

You know, I think it was Grand, not Canal. Now I'm not sure.

Yeah, probably Grand St.

MyGothLaundry's story is too fabu. :)

Here's one of mine(as I remember it a couple of years and one mommy brain later): I was about 8 months pregnant and standing in a checkout line at some food/coffee/smoothy establishment. The woman in front of me, turned around and without asking if she could touch me, starting rubbing my tummy like I was Buddha and telling me how lucky I was to be carrying around a stomach the size of a volkswagon.

So, I reached out and honked both her boobs. (Full grab, nipples in the palm of my hand, fingers stretched out across the rest, squeeze and release with an audible "HONK!" and girlish giggle.) When she drew back and got all indignant, I said "What? I thought you wanted us to be intimate?"

Everyone in line applauded and if I remember correctly, the establishment comp'd my meal/drink/whatever it was.

That's awesome.

I was at a movie with a friend who is a Type I diabetic. At some point during the movie her insulin pump began to beep and she unclipped it from her belt turned on the lcd light and began making adjustments to the pump. The people in front of us turned around a few times and glared.

When the lights came on one of the men in front of us turned around and said, "Was that really necessary? Most people turn them off, you know."

My friend was again holding the pump and checking its status so she held it up and said "It is an insulin pump you jerk." The guys face went beet red.

Back in my early adult years, I worked in the worst job in the world - assistant manager of a fast food restaurant. To make a bad situation worse, my boss (the store supervisor) for several months was a mealy-mouthed, arrogant, unorganized, back-stabbing jerk. One of the myriad ways he kissed up to his boss was by adopting his boss' slogans and speech habits. One of the most annoying bossisms was the tendency to say, "I question this report" and "I question your store's lack of sales growth." My boss started using this phraseology constantly. I finally snapped one day during the middle of a lunch rush, when the store supervisor walked up to me with one of our pre-packaged salads in his hand, and said, "I question this salad." No information as to what his issue with it was, just "I question this salad." Being rather busy with other things, and not wanting to take the time to play 20 Questions, I stared at him for a second, and replied, "Really? Does it answer?" He didn't get it.

I managed to get fired soon after that. Best thing that ever happened to me.

psychokitty, that is awesome! I love that story.

It was late summer when everyone from work brings in their extra vegetables from their garden. One guy brought in about a dozen really, really big zucchinis. These things were like tree trunks. Anyway, a co-worker was looking at them and she asked me "Can you take one of these?"

I shot back with "Maybe after a couple of beers."

Luckily she had a good sense of humor and I didn't get fired.

Hi all...

Friend was telling me about a party he was at, lots of people and over half of them strangers. He liked the occasional friendly competition with his friend who was at this same party, and they decided to engage in one-upping each other while trying to impress a very beautiful, and very amused lady there. It started off with the usual "I can give you furs." "Well, I can give you diamonds." Then, naturally it progressed to "I'd crawl 50 feet across broken glass to feed you grapes."
Just about the point where you come up with that great line, you know the one you've been waiting to try, an angel passes (or whatever you want to call it - you know, all conversations finish simultaneously) ...he looks up at her and says, to both her and the entire room, "I'd drink the piss from your shoe."
Heads swivel, mouths drop, and he turns and looks at everyone and says, in a matter-of-fact-tone, "Chilled. Not warm."
Yes, he got her phone number.

one time in the break room a 300 plus pound guy called me fat ... i said, "you don't have much room to talk ... in fact you don't have much room to do much of anything"

everyone howled ... he kept his comments about my weight to himself after that

"'I shot back with "Maybe after a couple of beers.'"

If you're female, call me. Seriously. I'll even buy the beer.

If you're male ... EWWW, HOW GROSS.

(call me anyway)