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Right now I'm favoring
"Pound a chicken breast with a mallet, over and over again, while looking him in the eye until things get weird."
Some things achieve a kind of genius removed from context, some need no context.
From your "Up the butt, Bob." to "Twenty dollars, same as town." is there a quote that you can plug into any conversation?
While almost anything can work, not everything makes me question your dedication to sparklemotion.