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16 June 2014

Quick question about Does paying for it help?[More:]Does paying the monthly/whatever fee help you get seen more? I'm getting no, count 'em, no responses whatsoever, not even dick pictures. It'll soon be time to post to askme for a critique, but I'm wondering if forking over the dough first makes any difference. Thanks!
I thought you couldn't use without paying? I mean, you can look at profiles and put up one of your own, but you can't communicate unless you pay?
posted by JanetLand 16 June | 15:07
Well, if you want dick pics... (not a real penis)
posted by apoch 16 June | 15:12
The last time I checked, you could receive communications without paying (or, at least have a notification that says "someone has sent you an email!"), but not send them. Don't know if that's changed.
posted by Melismata 16 June | 15:26
I paid for eHarmony and, despite their alleged fantastic algorithm that's meant to match you only with compatible people, I didn't meet anyone remotely suitable there.
posted by Senyar 16 June | 17:11
In 20+ years, I've had zero success on eHarmony, JDate, Match, PlentyofFish, and the Red Sox fan singles web site, whatever the hell it was called. Posting a critique request to Askme is going to be my last effort to try this, and then I quit.

(Last year, my favorite museum in the world announced a singles mingling event on Valentine's Day. Their second announcement read HEY! We need more men to sign up!!!) I didn't go. They did not repeat the event this year.)

posted by Melismata 17 June | 12:43
OkCupid is at least free . . . . you've probably tried it but you didn't list it so I thought I'd bring it up.

Curious: when you say zero success, do you mean you've never ended up in a relationship from these sites, or never gotten a date, or what?
posted by JanetLand 17 June | 13:00
Woops, heh, yes I did try okcupid too.

In 20+ years of off-and-on searching, I've never had a real date from any of these sites. In the beginning, I'd get some back-and-forth emails, but the guy always dropped out. For a while after I hit 30, I would get (about once a year) an email from either an 80-year-old man or a flaky artist looking for a meal ticket. (With apologies to non-flaky artists not looking for a meal ticket.) Now, I get nothing. Time to bring in the big guns of Askme. :)
posted by Melismata 17 June | 13:30
Do you write to people yourself? Initiate the email exchanges, I mean? I've actually found that to be very effective, at least in terms of getting an actual date out of the deal.

(sorry if I'm asking too many picky questions -- this type of stuff interests me)
posted by JanetLand 17 June | 14:25
I've done it both ways.

Yeah, you name it, I've done it. I don't mind your asking, JanetLand, since you're a nice person, :) but I get so tired of people asking me things like "Have you tried a book club? You have? Well, have you tried a different book club? No? Well, you're being very close minded and not serious about meeting someone!" Makes me very defensive and tired.
posted by Melismata 17 June | 14:50
Tindr? Grindr? Sexr? Whatever the hell the crazy apps are these days? J/K.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 June | 14:58
Yeah, Tinder. As long as you go in just looking to have fun with it. You never know!
posted by Eideteker 17 June | 15:01
Well, I can only offer this very sad picture of Edie Brickell and Paul Simon.
posted by JanetLand 17 June | 15:01
Great scott. Paul Simon looks out of it in that picture.

I ended up with a daughter after asking something on a foreign language question website from a different continent.
posted by jouke 17 June | 15:21
Well, if you want dick pics... (not a real penis)

I beg to differ.
posted by pjern 17 June | 16:12
I totally feel your pain, Melismata. I've signed onto a number of local Meetup groups, but pretty much all the events seem to be attended only by women, looking at the RSVPs. There's one thing I might go to next month - a 70s & 80s dance night at a local place. I haven't been dancing in ages so even if I don't meet anyone, at least I'll get to dance. (Knowing my luck, it'll probably turn out to mean that the participants are in their 70s and 80s, rather than the music)

Online dating hasn't worked for me at all. I had a number of first dates, a couple of second dates (where it was obvious we'd used up all the conversation on Date 1) and two years ago I met a lovely man who was interesting, kind, funny, principled. We sort-of dated for a while - meals out, art things, films. But he was a 50-year-old virgin and was too afraid of intimacy to even hold my hand. I wanted a boyfriend, not just another friend. So that was that.

My last date (from OKCupid) turned up with flowers for me. But he had no teeth.

I'm trying to do more face-to-face things where I might meet someone. On Thursday I'm going to an art event in London. It's probably going to be 95% women though, because it's on at the same time as the England World Cup game.
posted by Senyar 17 June | 16:55
I just read some article somewhere about how 80% of the reason eHarmony and the like (paid sites) have a higher success rate is not mysterious algorithms, but simply the fact that people willing to ante up a few bucks are by virtue of that willingess already more serious about dating and partnerships. Otherwise, they wouldn't make the effort to be in that pool. So, I guess it may be worth it simply to receive listings of people who aren't, generally, just goofing around, playing the field, keeping options open, married, or any of the other kinds of games most people who make casual use of dating sites are doing.
posted by Miko 17 June | 21:08
Senyar, even live events have been a bust. I went to a Metafilter meetup a couple of years ago, and watched a guy and a girl just outside my age range meet for the first time, and start dating. And I had a pleasant conversation with a married man.

More recently, I went to an event that advertised itself as "Singles event, 40+". It said at the bottom in small letters, "couples welcome". I went, and there was no one under 55. There was a couple with one person in a wheelchair.

Good insight, Miko, thanks!
posted by Melismata 18 June | 12:45
Well, since there doesn't seem to be much that you haven't tried, I agree that a profile AskMe is a good way to go.

For what it's worth, when I was in my 40s (oh 40s! How I miss you!!), I dated a guy in his 50s for 4 years. It was a good relationship.
posted by JanetLand 18 June | 15:21
Miko describes my experience with free sites vs paid.

From a review: "For an additional $40, offers a service called "ProfilePro," which is designed to assist members in drafting and editing their personalized dating profiles and online photos. also offers a 6-month guarantee. If you don't find a compatible match in 6 months, they'll give you a six-month subscription for free."
posted by Ardiril 18 June | 20:21
That sounds a lot like: If it's not working, we'll give you more of the thing that's not working... for FREE!
posted by Eideteker 19 June | 14:44
Mid-month goal update! || Has anyone sold a home through HomeVestors?