I am retiring Sept 30, on paper, but working through next March. While I feel healthy enough, I am always concerned that this or that other shoe will drop, health-wise. I have my first (way overdue) colonoscopy this Thursday. While no one in my family has ever had that kind of cancer, it's still scary. Retirement will be good. There will be significantly more money than there is now. I want to do some Red Cross disaster volunteering, as well as try to start playing guitar again, really. I wish that I could coast into retirement, but work has been hard, and busy, with some major projects with deadlines, plus trying to somehow figure out a way to inform my organization of exactly all the things I do. I have made all of the necessary decisions (for retirement), and now it's just waiting, and turning in this and that form at the proper time. I realize that I am not really living my life these days, meaning an inner life, because I am waiting for that other life to start. Marriage is good, if a bit stable and prone to too much daily routine. We need to gently shake it up a bit. Not by bringing a chimp to bed, but just do different things with our time together. And need to lose 10 pounds. . .it's always that 10 pounds.

Upon finishing a 10-hour shift at my factory job yesterday, the only other co-worker still on site and I noticed fairly significant fire burning just outside of our side building. Not out of control or anything that would require a 911 call, but certainly something that needed to be taken care of. Even in the middle of a gravel yard, a fire that is burning steadily at three or four feet tall in a ~17x5 foot area can't just be left behind.

So we spent the next hour running a two-man bucket brigade (assisted by a forklift, thankfully) and using shovels to spread the smoldering remains out until we were reasonably sure it was safely out. Because that's, I think, what most rational people would do.

Turns out, one of the grizzled old rednecks at work deliberately set a pile of scrap wood on fire that morning for no valid reason that I can ascertain (or he could come up with). And it burned all day. And then said G.O.R. just left it there and went home. I'm still not sure if he thought it would just burn itself out or if he flat-out forgot about it or what, but I'm having a hard time thinking of it even remotely as an honest mistake. But it's not the hour of my life or extra work or smoke inhalation, it's his utter lack of contrition that's still pissing me off.

I have a difficult time not walking around being a cranky misanthrope most of the time. Shit like this doesn't help.

So, yeah. Nutshell.

But hey, at least my fantasy baseball team us having a good night.

Well, now that you mention it, I'm feeling incredibly stressed lately. For the past two years, we've been working on getting our work handed over to the feds and the whole thing is just getting ridiculous. We're now on our third attempt to get legislation into parliament to enable this, my staff have (almost) all been made offers of employment with the new agency (as have I) on either better or much better terms that our arrangements here. We are just sick ad tired of the fucking around and no longer care what happens - just make a fucking decision and we'll implement it. We no longer care about the benefits to the sector for doing this, we just want the waiting to be over.

Also, I've just found out that I'm probably going to lose benefits worth about $18k per year due to our new government implementing what I described to my boss as 'austerity measures that would make a Grecian treasury official gasp'. I also told him that I don't want to work for a government that publicly makes disparaging remarks about public servants 'feeding at the trough of taxpayers money' and the like and the sooner I can get out of here the better. This used to be the best job I'd ever had. Now I can barely drag myself out of bed to come to work. It's even worse that I have to be all positive and encouraging to my staff while all I feel like doing is climbing the nearest tower.

On a brighter note, my best friend (she works here too) and I are planning to play hookey for the day soon and go sit in a park and read. Not telling our families or anyone else, just going to hide from the rest of the world for a day.

Escaping Fresno for Seattle was the best move I could have made. This is a great and thrilling city, if a bit expensive. My son and his new wife are doing decent and much better than I expected. Heartwise, I have a new chest pain that will probably require some form of surgery but nothing extraordinary for me.

However, what irks me are my feet and knees. Although I have lost weight and walk daily, the pain should have eased if not disappeared by now, but it has worsened. I use a cane every time I leave the house. I have one one more refill of pain pills to go through before I can see the doc again, but at my rate that should be in two weeks. I am not really sure how this one will pan out.

YESbut...

Everything is OK, but in the sense that my whole life is being turned upside and shaken around. Starting my first new job in nine years in a few weeks, moving to a new home similarly, got engaged after a long long time being single last week, going to be cohabiting with a partner for the first time. I feel happy but a bit dazed by all the changes.

Short version: Ups and downs, but generally feeling better about myself than I ever have.

Long version:

Things at my job have stabilized, but I'm still eternally struggling with deadlines. Never been good with those in any setting, professional or otherwise.

My mood and self-esteem have improved dramatically over the past year. Part of that is finally finding a medication regime that works. Part of it is leaving behind everything I had and everything I ever was, striking out for a new life, and maintaining creative pursuits outside of work in NYC. I jokingly refer to all of this as feeling "like a real boy" (a la Pinocchio), but yeah. That's kinda what it feels like. I can talk to people and sometimes I don't even feel weird or like I have to be another person in case they hate me. Working on getting to real human moments, person to person.

I'm still struggling to get out of bed some days, but I have finally been able to schedule a sleep study this weekend. I doubt they'll let me look at any of the results, but it would be nice to be able to review my sleep record (and put my degree to use) to analyze patterns in my horrible, horrible sleep habits. Being an insomniac since middle school takes its toll after a while.

I really like this lady I've been seeing. Everything feels really comfortable, natural, in a way it's never really been before. I'm not second-guessing or doubting myself all the time, and I don't think either of us is especially crazy. I just wish she didn't live so damn far away. But hey, at least I am getting an inkling of what a normal, healthy, functioning relationship should look (and feel) like.

Disappointingly, I had another experience recently where I had to question whether people I (really truly) thought were my friends are. So I'm going through another period where I'm working on living for myself, and to hell with other people. Placing my needs first. Which sounds a bit sociopathic, but as I asked a friend (who was talking about The Sociopath Test or whatever that book is called), "What's the opposite of a sociopath? I think I'm that." Even my therapist said I need to be less accommodating.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Thanks, doc. Same time next week?

ehh. working on it.

I've been pretty sad lately (for real reasons, not just brain chemistry). Just ate a bag of Cheetos which doesn't make life better but did actually make me feel better. What is in that cheese powder?

I am blissfully happy in the moment, what with being married and all, but I am still kind of turtling. Maybe nesting is a better way to describe it. Still not knitting or doing something else productive; weight and general lethargy is high; motivation is low, etc.

Part of this is probably that I'm hoping to capture a feeling of stability as much as possible before trying to have a kid. At this point, it's moved from an "if" to a more-than-likely "when" -- and that "when" is probably within the next year or so, although god knows we have several bad habits I would like to magically have fixed by then.

But I am nothing if not resilient and able to cope.

No.

Hey, galadriel, or anyone else who isn't doing okay?

My turtle shell has room for you. I will do anything I can to help lessen your load.

I'm pretty tired and uncomfortable these days. And everyone keeps saying, oh, you're due so soon, so soon, so soon! I just want to close my ears and go LA LA LA LA LA LA. We have all the stuff we need, but I still don't quite feel "ready". Is it too late to change my mind? :P

I'm doing ok. It's been a crazy year and things are about to get shaken up again. I have some big news (not a babby) that I'm desperate to share but am not allowed to yet. It's really good news, but at the same time is scary and big and unknown. I've taken up sewing and have launched myself into it full throttle. Love it. It's late here and I can't sleep but I'm doing ok on the whole. I've been married for just under 5 months now. So much more adjusting than I thought! But we're getting there and growing stronger each day. Having the chef overseas for five months last year really took a toll. I miss you guys and need to pop in more. X

Well, yes and no--the recuperation took more time than expected, both mentally and physically, and I've had to come to terms with the fact that they both will be staying with me for the rest of my life now... the Bipolar Disorder, which can be controlled with medication, sure, but I'm never going to be "normal" like everybody else I guess, and I suppose that's alright.

The Physical part... the running and the jumping and the hiking, they're all things which I've had to make compromises with; sure, I can still do them, but not like I used to. When I first had come back from the hospital, and had regained my consciousness and ability to talk and move and use the wheel chair, then the walker, and finally the cane within half a year of everything happening--I was ecstatic. Yeah, I can do this, not only have I cheated death, but I'm probably going to be A-okay.

Well, no, not quite... and after about a year of using a chair to sit on to say my prayers, both when at home, and when I'd be at the mosque--I felt like I was looking at the rest of my life right there... and you know what the first thing to enter my mind was: "she's never going to want to marry me now, no one will". And that sort of lasted for 6 months... and then I started praying on my legs--this is how you pray in Islam, so the use of the legs is essential, but there were these men (elderly gentlemen who used to come to the masjid to pray) and use chairs, like me, but one day--this man sat next to me, who did it without sitting in one (he was young, maybe a little older than I was) but he couldn't bend his legs at the knees because of an operation he'd had as my dad had later told me, so sat with his legs vertical, which made him look SO cool, so different in the mosque than everyone else, that I started doing it too and have adopted the technique ever since, which was maybe more than one and a half years ago.

It's a little hard to do it when I'm super depressed, the praying that is, but ever since I've been taking my medication regularly and not veering towards the dark side--I'm okay.

Oh, the usual. I love summer. I don't love working on weekends during the summer, but I have to if I want nice things. May go to San Francisco in July, not sure yet. Not my first choice to spend my vacation time (I've been there, and my friend there is often irritating), but said friend is paying for the flight with frequent flier miles and it's time I checked up on him anyway.

Well the big stress (finishing the book draft) is over and now I'm on pins and needles waiting for feedback. The thing is, I dropped everything in my life to finish the damn thing including things like...showering regularly or eating and it's been three months since and getting back into civilized life and good habits (regular meals, exercise, etc) is really hard and fustrating, plus I seemed to have tapped out my ambition stores despite having other projects looming on the horizon so I manage to feel overwhelmed and impatient at the same time.

Still, doing better than most. SO is having a big (positive!) job change coming up and I just realized I can TECHNICALLY go around calling myself a Doctor's Wife to the amusement and delight of all.

Things are amazingly OK. I'm getting better at setting boundaries and talking like a grownup and making decisions for myself rather than what I think I should do. Plus, I've been dancing. And I love the group of girls I've made friends with through my Wicca class. (We're all petitioning together, so we're going to be sisters soon.)

I feel like I'm slowly putting my life together in a way that I want it to be--rather than what others (read: the folks) expect it to be. And that's pretty damn awesome.

Things are mostly good. Work is fine, although an organisational restructure has affected my job, but it's still the best job I've ever had. I have lots of friends and an active social life but still struggle with dating. Part of that is because of the damned psoriasis, which is not good right now. Not the worst it's ever been, but I have to stay pretty much covered up because of it. And it affects my confidence in a big way - I can't imagine getting nekkid in front of anyone.

Apart from that, physically I'm doing well. Starting running exactly a year ago has transformed my life in a way I never imagined possible.

I love my cat, she's a delight to me every day, even when she's acting all whiny, needy and demanding.

How are things, really? It’s my birthday weeks so perhaps it’s a good time to reflect…

My body is no longer young. It rebels at everyday things. What the heck?!

I’m pretty well established at my residence now. There are still a ton of projects that I’m planning on tackling but no great deadline. I’d be lost without a project to do. My next large project is building a screened porch out of mostly salvaged materials. I’m putting it off because I heard rumor that “little napoleon” may call me in for some part-time work in the next several weeks. That’s a good enough excuse for me since it’s a bit of an awkward build for a construction crew of one.

An acquaintance has almost convinced me to spend bucks and effort on taking the exams to obtain my certification. I’m not sure it’s going to be worth it financially, but feel a little more hopeful about the possibility of my passing the exams.

Weighing heavily on my mind at present is the death of a very close friend coupled with the effect it’s having on his partner of 33 years. Theirs was the type of relationship that Tom and I had – unconditional. I’m thankful that I’m able to be an understanding listener as the surviving spouse sorts through all of the turmoil that’s become of his life.

My Mom is very slowly declining. It’s nothing big right now, but I’m staying put in this location so as to be here when she needs additional assistance. It’s good that I have the option to remain nearby. The trade-offs aren’t onerous and I’m sure I’ll not regret it.

Yet, Mom is still doing well enough to be on target sometimes. She gave me some bluebird houses for my birthday! How great! I’ve always wanted some. A non-profit organization sells them for just over the cost of materials and she remembered my comments. How absolutely perfect! I’ve just got to figure out where the best locations are and get them up. Whee!

At present I have a few good friends who keep in touch over email or phone. It’s the longest duration of significant friendship I’ve had since grade school.

And remember, as long as there’s chocolate and kitties, things are good.

I'm OK. Back at work after many trips to hither and yon, ending with the inaugural half marathon in Portland this past Sunday. It is good to be home. And I think it might stop raining this weekend. And I am looking forward to riding my bike to the train next week for the first time in 2012.

On the aches and pains front, my back flared up during snorkel trip in Puerto Vallarta, but a few visits with the Chinese acupuncture docs on my (brief) return before the next trip seems to have settled it down again.

Yup, doing pretty great. Thanks for asking. Marrakech was amazing, still breaking shit and taking on lots of projects, dad & his wife are visiting us this weekend. Considering going back to school on the company dime. Still pondering and plotting ways to stay in the UK permanently.

Things are very bad again. I suppose I should be used to it by now but somehow even though I seem to spend my entire life lurching from crisis to crisis, they always catch me unawares. Oh well. I never answer these kinds of things or three point status updates because I don't want to bum anyone out and I don't particularly want sympathy but damn, just know I so wish I could answer one, once, someday, and be able to be sort of cheerful la la things are okay! The biggest problem I have is the leak in the living room I just discovered! That is not today. Maybe in a decade. Maybe never. I don't know. However, I did just discover a leak in the living room and it is not helping my mood. But compared to everything else? It's minor.

{{{MGL}}}

((((( mgl ))))))

I hope the never ending crises give you a break soon, mgl

Things are oddly pretty good for me.

I've been with the new company for 6 months now and I think it was a good move as I could see myself working here for a long long time, which is a first. Even though I think "I don't want to go to work" to myself, I'm not actively dreading it. I'm kind of irritated with the whole new project but it will eventually work itself out given the federal deadlines. And in the mean time I get training and I enjoy working with my manager and closest coworkers.

Physically, I should be doing more but eh. Of course that means clothes shopping is less than pleasant. Socially, I should also be doing more but I like being an introverted homebody. I've started working on the new personal project -- I'm hoping things ramp up quickly.

Kitty cat and pups love me, which is always an important consideration.

(((mgl)))

Doing ok. This year doesn't feel as busy as last year, but work is steady. Every time I think a slow period is setting in a few new leads trickle in. People still want kitchens, amazingly enough.

Got hit with a gi.fucking.normous tax bill for 2011 so I'm having to make a monthly payment of $3k from May thru August. Ouch.

I've been trying to figure out a way to list my swappable cabinet front idea on kickstarter. I think it will only really work in the multi-unit industry. I did at least start my own new cabinet line & am quoting my first project with it this week, so that's exciting. :)

Other than that, I've lost 10 lbs by fasting once a week & walking on the treadmill several times a week. I have another 20 to go by November when I hit the big 5-0. *gulp*

The other night I had this very strange sensation I get now and then where I feel like I'm outside time, current time anyway, like I've lived all this before, a kind of tingling, light, out-of-body feeling, like I'm made of TV snow. It actually made me a bit giddy, and a little nauseous. And since -- under the theory that all time is one time, past present and future as one -- everything's already happened and continues to happen for an infinity of years, I might as well be okay with it. Accept what is was and always will be. Is that God?

Or perhaps I have a brain tumor.

Hugs to everyone who needs them.

I resigned from my job, which was a good thing because it was killing my social life and damaging to my psyche. Even my therapist said I sounded happier when I relayed how I quit. (It's a good story for a meetup, so ask me sometime.)

My boyfriend and I are getting opposite sex domestic partnered on Friday, and this will allow me to be on his health insurance. I also have a second lead on a job where I'm going in for an interview next week.

Much more to say when the work stress is finally gone and I can announce the new job(s?).

I'll be honest but brief: things are hard.

(And at the same time, I know I'm luckier than a vast number of people: I'm housed and fed and free. I'm loved and loving and have some good friends. I trust my family and am trusted by them.)

But instead of complaining, I'm trying to spot an entry point, trying to envision the changes I want to make. It's hard. But I can do it.

Also, I'm really aware of the passing of time. I want to spend time with my parents and my friends while we can and we're healthy.

For me, it's my nieces and nephews. We have a dozen+, and though I am a more involved aunt than my own uncles and aunts ever were, I want to be closer to those kids while they still are kids. My oldest (and closest, both geographically and personally) niece turned 21 this year, which was a bit jolting and also wonnnnnnnderful. (Crazily, she opted to spend her 21st birthday with her mother, her nutty auntie, and her cranky granny. I even got to help her choose her pre-dinner cocktail. What a good kid adult she is.)