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01 April 2012

Faux AskMe Can we do some faux AskMe questions in honour of the day?[More:]

For my birthday today my fiancé Steve brought me yellow roses when I've told him I only like pink, a crystal necklace that WASN'T Swarovski, and a mink coat that wasn't well-matched enough. Should I dump him? I think I like his twin brother Sam better — and Sam sure is a lot better in bed, except that he has less money.

My boyfriend and I like to play little jokes on each other. He shaved my head in my sleep, so I cooked his X-box in the microwave. Then he killed my dog, so I drove his Mustang to a bad part of town and left it with the keys sitting on the seat, so that it got stolen. Then he beat me senseless. How do I top that?

I'm trying to sell an Ikea dresser on Craig's List. I paid $70 for it a few years ago but now that all the drawers have their bottoms falling out and the top is scratched, I'd be happy to get $65 for it. There haven't been any takers so far. Is there something about how to market things on Craig's List that I'm missing?
Is there a tutorial on the web demonstrating how to operate a can opener with no opposable thumbs?
posted by Trilby 01 April | 10:47
What are the symptoms of post-traumatic toilet training?
posted by Ardiril 01 April | 11:08
I left a muffin next to a thermonuclear reactor leak. It was bakery fresh when i got it, but they've been sitting in the car (with great weather) for two days. It's a really great muffin. Can I eat it?
posted by ethylene 01 April | 11:16
I'd like to redecorate Swan's End to make it more comfortable. I'm thinking, some bright throw pillows/cat beds in every room, a few cardboard boxes with towels in them, lots of feathers, strings, and tasteful scratching posts scattered about, with the occasional homey touch such as wadded-up pieces of paper placed just so here and there. Any more suggestions? And does Ikea sell any good readily accessible storage options for kitty treats?
posted by Trilby 01 April | 11:37
Is professional groupie still a job description?
posted by ethylene 01 April | 12:18
posted by Orange Swan 01 April | 12:52
Please give me your best treat recipes. Don't worry about how complicated or time-intensive they are as I'm going to make the person do the cooking.
posted by Trilby 01 April | 13:00
I want a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri. Should I get one?!?!

What do I name my small furry creature from Alpha Centauri? Pictures inside!

My small furry creature from Alpha Centauri keeps pissing the bed. Hope me!!!

My new boyfriend hates my small furry creature from Alpha Centauri. What should I do???

My small furry creature from Alpha Centauri hates the new baby. How do I find it a new home?

My small furry creature from Alpha Centauri died yesterday. How do I explain it to my kids???
posted by bluesapphires 01 April | 13:03
My work sucks. The people here are just terrible. Our lead salesperson is as arrogant as he is lacking in social graces. He refuses to share his new leads with the other sales staff, and he is always flaunting his new clothes that are straight out of the current issue of GQ. He never warns us when he is about to make a big sale, and we always end up working overtime to fill his orders. Then while he goes out drinking with his business buddies, he has cheap pizzas delivered to us just to rub our face in having to do all this extra work. Plus, he never gives his small business clients a break. Some of them are barely making payroll (I know, I talk to their Receiving Clerk all the time), yet he extracts every last penny he can from every single sale. Everything about him is MONEY, MONEY, MONEY. Also, he totally disregards our regular working hours, and just about every morning I come into the office to a stack of his memos on my desk, so that I don't even have time to drink my coffee and check my facebook. Speaking of email, he never uses it. He leaves messages on my voicemail all day and I always have to find a pencil to write down the information. I think I should find a new job where people are not so complacent and refuse to speak up about others who make our jobs harder, but I can't afford to go without a paycheck right now.
posted by Ardiril 01 April | 13:39
Does this post make me look fat?
posted by oneswellfoop 01 April | 14:02
Where can I find the nearest dump to put the mother frakker in already?
posted by oneswellfoop 01 April | 14:03
It has been reported that some victims of torture, during the act, would retreat into a fantasy world from which they could not WAKE UP. In this catatonic state, the victim lived in a world just like their normal one, except they weren’t being tortured. The only way that they realized they needed to WAKE UP was a note they found in their fantasy world. It would tell them about their condition, and tell them to WAKE UP. Even then, it would often take months until they were ready to discard their fantasy world and PLEASE WAKE UP.

What do you think?
posted by Splunge 01 April | 15:24
I want to be a doctor, engineer, and concert violinist. Simultaneously. Where do I find the schools that will allow me to have the schedule necessary to complete all of the above in the next three years?
posted by aniola 01 April | 16:24
I hate being an underwater basketweaver. My boss doesn't let me take breaks, my coworkers are otters, the water's too cold, and I have trouble holding my breath to finish a basket. What other jobs can I get with an underwater basketweaving degree?
posted by bluesapphires 01 April | 16:51
What happens when I do this?
posted by oneswellfoop 01 April | 17:48
How do I top that?
First, be smart from the very beginning ...

What happens when I do this?
posted by dg 01 April | 18:01
Should I take a Masters' Degree in Library Science? I don't think Libraries have a future, because Google is easier, and I really *hate* reading, but I have an Undergraduate Degree in English, so my only other option is to become a pet psychic.
posted by Susurration 01 April | 18:57
I have a really stupid question to ask. Will you think less of me if I do? Or is it possible for you to think less of me than you already do?

Also, considering suicide. Would you recommend (1) gunshot (2) poison (3) hanging (4) wrist cutting (5) leap from tall building (and how tall would you recommend?) (6) bad TV marathon (and what would be the best kind of bad TV? FoxNews morning show? Toddlers & Tiaras? SyFy original monster movies? Jersey Shore? infomercials?) (7) jump into lion enclosure at zoo or (8) go shopping at Kmart?
posted by oneswellfoop 01 April | 19:03
I'm a porn star, and I'm good at it. But I'd like to be great at it. Here are some links to my work, though it is pay per view. Please have a look at it and let me know what suggestions you have for me. Kthx!
posted by Orange Swan 01 April | 19:29
Vintage, though not on an April 1st.
posted by shane 01 April | 19:30
I'm a porn star and I'm great at it. However, one of my regular co-stars has an incredibly inflated view of her own expertise and her poor performance is really dragging my residual earnings down. Our latest work has only had 12 views and I think most of those were because she tricked a bunch of people on some Web site into looking at it. How can I encourage her to accept my advice about how she needs to change her techniques so that I can better support my kids? Posted anonymously because my wife is a member here.
posted by dg 01 April | 20:03
I think I'm ready for the responsibility of pet ownership. What kind of pet would you recommend for me, a bunny, a mouse, a rat, a gerbil, a fish, or a canary? Which is the tastiest?
posted by Trilby 01 April | 20:17
What's wrong with xkcd? I keep sending my friends the link, but they're seeing the wrong ones.
posted by aniola 01 April | 20:31
Hi. Porn actress here again with question number 2. My male co-star doesn't have a very inflated... well, you know. He's often just not up to the job, if you know what I mean. I'm thinking of slipping a roofie or some Viagra in his coffee. Which would you recommend, or should I put in both?
posted by Orange Swan 01 April | 20:57
Hi porn actress. While slipping him a viagra or two (I'm no doctor, but I assume the more you slip him, the um, larger the effect) would solve your perception* of this problem, there is another possibility that opens itself up by giving him both - necrophiliac porn. While it may take some time to apply suitable all-over body make-up to your co-star to achieve that sexy pallor, I'm sure the results will be well worth it.

*I say 'perception' because, well, I guess you've been around some and well, maybe some Kegel exercises would be a good idea? Or a few well-placed stitches?
posted by dg 01 April | 23:06
Important Announcement: || [nsfw] Very Maggie Smith