MetaChat - Managing Expectations

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20 March 2012

Managing Expectations It's incredible that so much of my life's work involves managing the expectations of others when I feel it drives me crazy to the extent that it does.→[More:]I'm talking about both my job and my work as President of the board at my church, as well as just life in general. There's so much of what I do that involves translating what one party says or does to another party, and handling the disconnect in a way that keeps everyone satisfied, if not happy. Today I spent 30 minutes on the phone with the church's lawyer who's mad at the church's architect for reasons that boil down to personality difference (in my opinion, anyway). I suppose the part of this battle that I feel lousy about is having to be nice to everyone when the biggest part of me would really rather just give a big middle finger to everyone who drives me crazy. WHY CAN'T YOU ALL ACT LIKE GROWNUPS?! LIKE ME?! SEE HOW GROWNUP (heh) I AM?!

This might not be something I'm actually bad at, it might just be that it gets harder as you move down the road of being the person who handles such things. Or it could be that pregnancy has made me extra irritable in general. Probably both.

Not looking for advice, just wanted to vent. Thank you for listening :)

post by: ThePinkSuperhero at: 14:17 | 32 comments

As a thank you for listening, here's a short video from Christmas of my parents finding out they are going to be grandparents. There's a much longer version of the video but I had to crop it ulta-short because I forgot we were recording for my sister in TX to see and I made fun of her for forgetting I was pregnant (she did forget, I had to tell her twice).

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 March | 14:26

But I'm a guy. So I'm allowed to give advice anyway. That's what rules are.
According to all the How To Understand Your Girlfriend books.

posted by jouke 20 March | 14:27

I'm at home with flu. As in shivering; under the blanket, muscle ache, high fever, confused repetitive dreams, influenza.
What strikes me is that today I was particularly vulnerable to sad songs making me cry. Not make me sad but sob uncontrollably about persistent things in my life that don't make me happy. Or just in general. Is that something any of your recognise? (please for intersubjectivity's sake give as a benchmark point an indication how vulnerable to sobbing you are in general. Me: hardly)

posted by jouke 20 March | 14:32

[suggestion: make this a daisy chain thread. React to the the previous comment and initiate totally unrelated one off dialogue of your own]

(your parents are pretty laidback that they let you post stuff like that online)

posted by jouke 20 March | 14:34

I know what you mean, I think about that a lot. And overall, I think the things I'm thinking about do make me happy, they just also make me crazy. I really need to get some more things in my life that JUST make me happy and do not also make me crazy.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 March | 14:35

My parents laid back about online stuff, HA HA HA HA. Do you know my Dad wanted to post news of my pregnancy (that I had told not very many others about) on Facebook approximately 5 minutes after this video was taken? I had to keep him from spreading the news online with a whip and a chair for 2 days so I could call my friends. Thankfully, mother is not plugged into social media; she just figured out e-mail.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 March | 14:37

Well. The alternative to fixing the childishness of others is to ostensibly step back and let things explode.
A lot of people need the harsh school of consequences to change their behaviour.
Or just show a measured professional hint of how fed up you are. When done right a brief measure of "ok. I'm done with this. Get it together." And then spend your attention elsewhere.

posted by jouke 20 March | 14:40

Oh I definitely did. Not sure how much the lawyer liked that :P

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 March | 14:44

Ha. I always forget how different the parents of other people can be.

posted by jouke 20 March | 14:46

the biggest part of me would really rather just give a big middle finger to everyone who drives me crazy.

I have been doing that (figuratively, verbally) a lot lately. It is very satisfying and actually fairly productive. I got my workload lightened a little when I flipped out recently.

posted by amro 20 March | 14:46

I guess your parents attitude about being online should be called "gung ho".
Or is "rah rah" a more american expression for that?

My mother emailed me some links where I could possibly find pictures of my nieces meeting the queen tomorrow.
I guess it must be hard to understand for americans. Not having monarchy and such.
Anyway; my nieces of 12 and 14 are very much looking forward to it.
I was rather impressed with my 78 yr old mothers deftness with that.

Sorry for the blabbering.
I guess I'm raaskalling. Raaskallen is the word for talking in the state of mind of farm hands who had to wake every 2 hours to scrape and turn the cheese would be in. They apparently became a bit incoherent.

posted by jouke 20 March | 14:54

I'm getting rather comfortable (and good at) laughing in people's faces.

If anyone complains, I tell them that even my therapist said I need to be less accommodating.

posted by Eideteker 20 March | 14:55

Yes, rah rah!

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 March | 14:56

Rah, rah, meh- chah!

(I would advise against invoking ones therapist as an authority in discussion in a professional setting)

posted by jouke 20 March | 14:59

What strikes me is that today I was particularly vulnerable to sad songs making me cry. Not make me sad but sob uncontrollably about persistent things in my life that don't make me happy. Or just in general. Is that something any of your recognise? (please for intersubjectivity's sake give as a benchmark point an indication how vulnerable to sobbing you are in general. Me: hardly)

Oh man, this happens to me OFTEN. But, yes, I am vulnerable to fairly frequent sobbing. Example: I recently watched part of an old chorus concert of my nephew's, from when he was in high school, and had to turn it off. Not because of him, but because I suddenly felt this wave of very painful nostalgia for my own high school chorus days. It was most upsetting.

posted by JanetLand 20 March | 15:00

Y'all are doing better than I (me?). I tend to let things fester until *BOOM* and I go into nuclear meltdown mode. Granted this is more crying and sulking than yelling and screaming, but still, not healthy.

TPS, the video of your dad and mum is totally adorable. What a cute way to let them know!

jouke, I hope you get to feeling better soon. *sends virtual chicken soup*

posted by deborah 20 March | 15:19

Your parents seem so incredibly sweet. What a nice video.

posted by Miko 20 March | 17:49

I totally feel you and if you are having pregnancy anger, embrace it, in appropriate avenues, of course.
So much of everything is in some way enabling someone else's lack of awareness or skill, that they should acquire, but to keep things running, you accommodate.
And it sucks. But if that is your actual job description, you know that is what you have to do. So much of everything is making people feel able to just do their fucking job. They shouldn't need it, but apparently they do.

What I do is titrate information in tiny digestible doses until they have the time and ability to build those very necessary skills. That is not necessary, but it is in the long run if you don't want to have to compensate for someone else's shortcomings for as long as you have to work with them.

Don't let it get to you. You take care of things best when you feel your best. And pregnancy is a rollercoaster.

posted by ethylene 20 March | 18:08

It is a rollercoaster! When I lay down, I don't have a belly button anymore! Weeeeeeeeeeeee!

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 March | 18:40

Outie already?
Take a picture! I'm fascinated. I am such an innie.

posted by ethylene 20 March | 18:47

Well, not exactly. When I lay down, it's flush with my stomach. When I'm standing up, it's very shallow with a little stub that will either start sticking out or spreading out in the coming weeks.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 March | 18:50

My preggo friend (lovely nickname, no?) loves my righteous rage because this pregnancy for her is not as pukey but filled with this strange impotent rage that she feels unable to express. I'm her vicarious rage vessel.
She's just started coming out of the pregnancy closet. Because it's been this big secret.

posted by ethylene 20 March | 19:39

My rage has found voice on numerous occasions! No one has been spared!

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 20 March | 19:43

Go for it.

posted by ethylene 20 March | 19:58

My acupunctrist had her baby 3-3 and told me her belly button never popped. The baby had been due 2-14 and I suggested Corazon, but she wound up named Anna.

posted by brujita 20 March | 21:58

That video is such a delight, pinkie... And Mazel Tov!, by the way. Jon and I couldn't be more delighted for you guys (I've been meaning to email since I heard here on Mecha; I probably should get a facebook account one of these days. Resistance is futile).

If it's a boy, might I suggest the name Elvis. : )

posted by Pips 20 March | 23:41

Elvis is nice! Or what about Vegas? :D

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 21 March | 06:59

No, no. Dutch names!
If it's a boy I suggest Freek, Harm or Wierd. If it's a girl: Joke, Fokje or Goukje.
Very classic Dutch or Frisian names. Very authentic!

posted by jouke 21 March | 13:27

Äsk. Great name.

posted by ethylene 21 March | 14:06

I'm really surprised there hasn't been an American movie star named Harm.

posted by JanetLand 21 March | 14:16

That's a good point JL. Or at least a character in a low brow action movie.

posted by jouke 21 March | 15:09

Harm is short for Harmony on Buffy and Angel. So apt.

posted by ethylene 21 March | 15:27

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