Sometimes there are obligations we have to fulfil which we don't want to do but do them anyway out of a sense of duty. Your elderly relatives are seeing their peers die, so a birth is a really big thing to them.

You are good enough as you are.

You don't need some loser leeching off you.

I do know how you feel, I really do. I have everything I could ever want in life, except someone to share it with. Most of my friends are in the same boat. Yet with each day that passes I become more and more aware that I'm likely to live the rest of my life alone. I'm trying to change this, but it's so difficult, and I don't know how it'll change.

Thank you, Senyar. Some days I think I should post a question to Askme about it, but then I think, what's the point? It's not going to change anything, and won't prevent me from being from being forced to look at 172 baby pictures.

(Cousin's mother, who's housebound but very alert and very into the internet, is very happy when she can show off pictures of her grandchildren. I could refuse and say "oh, I saw them already," but most often the request comes in the form of "will you show me how to create subfolders so I can organize these pictures better?") *sigh*

I agree with everything Senyar says, but I want to point out that it's at least as important to take care of yourself as it is to take care of your elders.

Me, I have given myself permission to avoid those baby-related events that I know are likely to upset me the most. I'll heartily and earnestly congratulate my pregnant friends, I'll cheerfully (and briefly) chat with our mutual friends and relatives about the happy parents' expected bundles of joy, I'll visit them and bring food and gifts after the birth, and I'll volunteer to babysit.

But I don't attend baby showers anymore. I don't participate in hours-long conversations about fertility and reproduction. I don't engage in jokey chit-chat about my own fertility or childlessness. And I don't feel guilty about those choices; they are absolutely necessary for my own well-being.

You're a kind person with a good heart, and you are allowed to extend that kindness to yourself as well as your family. Give yourself full permission to draw boundaries where you need to, and then BE KIND TO YOURSELF ABOUT THEM.

Elsa, how to gracefully decline all these things without sounding like a bitter or whiny spoilsport?

There are a lot of new people at my office who are younger than I am and have children and families. The new guy in the finance office loves to chit-chat and show off pictures of his kid. (He also doesn't know the Microsoft Outlook program very well, and asked me very kindly to give him a little computing course; we're now expanding that into a general computing course for some of the nurses as well.) When he did that today, as I was trying to "put out fires" and get things done, I looked down at his cell phone, smiled, nodded, and said, "That's pretty awesome and he's really cute, I'm kinda busy right now" and he understood and went back to his office to continue to work.

Even thought I'm in a long term relationship, I'm not sure if I'll ever have kids. Sometimes I'm okay with that, and other times (like when I'm visiting my nieces or when I see moms on the bus with babies) I'm not. Which is my way of saying, I understand how you feel and I'd like to give you a hug.

BTW, as a person who works in a nursing home, thank you for being kind enough to visit your elderly relatives and acting as a go-between for them. That's tough, but the fact that you're able to visit is so important to an older person's morale. If I were more of a God-fearing person, I'd say you were doing the Lord's work.

Elsa, how to gracefully decline all these things without sounding like a bitter or whiny spoilsport?

Well, this got long, but it can be summed up pretty simply: I try not to be bitter or whiny, but cheerful and congratulatory, and then to wrap it up quickly if I want to.

With conversation, I do exactly what I'd do with any other perfectly reasonable topic that is, for whatever reason, tiresome or painful for me: I engage in it cheerfully and briefly, then --- when it's gone on as long as I think is reasonable --- I introduce a new topic.

For instance: last night, a friend and I talked for a bit about his wife's pregnancy --- in fact, I brought it up because I know that of course it's the most exciting thing in their life right now and I really am very excited for them, my own complicated private feelings notwithstanding. I asked how she's feeling, remarked upon a Facebook photo I'd seen of her newly-popped belly, asked the due date, listened to him as he expanded a bit. Then I introduced a new topic: "Hey, you're taking a [_____] class, right? How's that going?" Simple.

For me, knowing that
A) I could have some control over how much baby-related chatter I engaged in, and
B) that I really don't have to feel guilty over establishing those boundaries of self-care
makes it easier to be cheerful about the now-reduced amount of baby-chatter that I do engage in. I'm perfectly happy to engage in it or even to start it, now that I've given myself permission to take care of myself, too.

Sometimes that doesn't work, and then I have to decide whether to wrap up the chitchat and walk away or to tell my [friend/relative/colleague] that this isn't comfortable for me.

When I decline a baby shower invitation, it's in the spirit of "Oh, I'd love to, but I can't make it." No explanation, no excuse, just a grateful no.

And I really AM grateful. They're inviting me out of kindness and love and a desire to share the happiness. They have no way of knowing that after a baby shower, I sob into my pillow for days. None of my friends would want to inflict that on me, and I don't want to have a conversation about it, so I just quietly set my boundaries and then stick to them cheerfully.

Mind you, it's totally possible that my friends do think that under the cheerfulness, I'm a bitter or whiny spoilsport, but I can't control that. For me, this is the way to be supportive of my loved ones and still limit my exposure to the things that make me sob into my pillow. Not only am I'm allowed to take care of myself; I have a responsibility to do take care of myself.

I don't like or have children, so the enforced baby event thing isn't an issue for me. Probably be cause I am very vocal about my dislike of children. In other words, I can't help you there.
However,

I should mention, I think the reason why the guy at work won't go out with me (even though he likes me, and has said so) is because his current girlfriend makes way more money that either he or I do. (And this guy was the only "nibble" in years.)

NO NO NO. This guy is a complete waste of your time. I didn't meet my husband until I was 36 and that was after years of going through this kind of garbage. Seriously, stop looking for it and it comes to you. I know that is the most PITA advice, and I used to hate it when people would tell me that, but it really did pan out that way for me. Don't settle for someone who is going to chose a meal ticket over you, it just clogs up the works when a decent one comes along.

Hi. This is tough. It hurts and many of us have felt this, acutely.

You gracefully decline by saying, "I can't be there but I'll be thinking about you and wishing you well."

"But why not, please come to my baby shower, there will be cake, and pin the diaper on the baby and guess what I'm going to name her, and feel my belly and it'll be so fun! Why can't you come?"

"I'm sorry I can't be there, I know it will be a wonderful party. Take care, be well, goodbye."

Just be firm and nice and absolutely unwavering. You do not need to give a reason why you're not going. The reason is, you don't want to but of course you can't say that so just decline and move on.

The guy at work sounds like a real prize. Let me get this straight: He has a girlfriend but he's told you he's interested in you. Niiiiiice. Only he won't go out with you because she makes more $$$. What a catch! A dude like that will give you unending misery.

I don't have much to say. Some things have been making me very sad lately, different things than the ones making you sad, but what has helped me a little bit is to try to feel grateful for the good things. I was folding the most recent basket in the endless laundry parade and feeling annoyed by it, and then I thought, well, I'm standing here in my beautiful kitchen, folding laundry I washed in my own machine, not in a laundromat, not in the river with a handful of stones. I'm warm and well fed and I have family and friends.

I'm still sad about those other things and I know you are too, but you've got us and we love you and that's something, something pretty good, OK?

And by the way: as with any ongoing emotional issue, it's not all smooth sailing for me, either. A friend who just had third baby is once again habitually telling me the "You just can't imaaaaaaaagine this kind of love until you have a baby" thing.

She's explicitly and repeatedly pointing out an empty spot in my life that will never be filled, and if ever she stopped to think about it, I suspect she'd see how much it hurts me to hear it again and again. This week, I finally decided: next time she says that to me, I'm going to tell her how painful I find these repeated reminders of a profound experience that she knows I'm never going to have.

I love her and I'm happy for her and I'm wary of hurting her feelings, but right now she is hurting my feelings over and over again, literally every time we speak. So I'll say something as gently as possible and hope for the best. Drawing boundaries isn't easy, but I really feel like it improves my life and my relationships.

Anyway, I hear what you're saying and I'm so sorry that it hurts. I'm sending a hug your way.

Thanks, all! I love you guys.

Yaaaaay, bunny hugs!

Some thoughts from the flipside:

I'll cop to doling out a similar unthinking joy that unwittingly hurts some people. After a painful and troubled romantic life, I unexpectedly ended up meeting and marrying someone I'm completely nuts about and whose virtues I extol constantly. I imagine that could cause some envy or irritation among some single or unhappily married friends.

In fact, I know it does, because a friend who was unhappily married has told me quite bluntly how much she hates seeing us smile at each other, how our obvious happiness "makes everybody want to barf," how --- when she one day spotted us walking down the street and saw we were holding hands --- she felt like we were doing it just to make her feel awful.

Of course we weren't doing it to make her feel awful, and I'm not going to start smothering my happiness when I'm out in public on the off-chance that it's reminding someone of a lack in their own lives*, just as I don't expect parents to refrain from telling stories of their kids.

What I will do is A) refrain from talking endlessly about the blah blah blah of blissful coupledom when I'm with her and B) be sensitive to her shying away from problematic topics of conversation. That's what I hope and expect others will do for me, too.

That might not be enough for her since she says that just seeing us smile at each other is painful. We're not going to stop smiling at each other. She might choose to stop spending time with me [or just with the two of us together]. But that's her decision to make; each of us is responsible for establishing our own boundaries** and for deciding how to react if people fail to respect them.

*I also kinda feel like there's a distinction between these states of bliss. Unhappily single or married people may unexpectedly change that aspect of their lives; unhappily childless women of my age aren't likely to change.

**Do I wish she'd been gentler when she spoke to me about it, maybe not used the word "barf?" I sure do! But she wasn't, and it was a good reminder to me that I want to be gentler in establishing my own boundaries.

That's a very smart and empathetic way to approach it, Elsa.

Oh sweetie, I am in the same boat, and how I feel for you!!!! I am constantly being hurt by the painful contrast between the lives of others any my own empty one, and by the insensitive things people say to me.

What I do is try to distinguish between the different levels and kinds of hurtful behaviour, because that determines how I'll handle it.

If someone's just living and enjoying their life as they should, I just try to deal. I would never criticize anyone for holding hands with a partner while walking down the street, telling me happily about their engagement, having a wedding or a baby shower, or posting some pictures of a new little one on Facebook. I just deal as best I can, and try to keep my own pain to myself. It's not their fault I'm unhappy, and I want them to be happy without having to feel guilty about it. I attend weddings and showers with a nice gift and as cheerfully as I can. If I have to wait over night before I can sincerely post a, "Oh, your baby's lovely, congratulations!" on someone's new baby picture on Facebook, then I do. And you know, it's these people, who are living their own lives and don't try to rub anyone's nose in it, who are the most sympathetic and kind to others not so fortunate. Funny how that works.

If someone's going really overboard with the sharing, I set boundaries. No, I do not want to read the love letter your fiancé wrote you on Valentine's Day. I'm happy for you, but surely he'd prefer you kept that just between the two of you. I change the subject whenever I'm tired of hearing about a pregnancy or a wedding. If someone is constantly raving about how he/she's the luckiest person in the entire world to have such a wonderful spouse and/or baby in her Facebook statuses, I remove that person from my news feed. Strangely enough, it's always those people who go on and on about how wonderful their partner who are with people I find really unimpressive, or sometimes don't like at all. What's up with that? Are they trying to convince themselves they got a prize?

And if someone is being just plain hurtful, I stop even bothering with that person. Because they just aren't good people. I've found the kind of person who is insensitive and dismissive towards my problems is also the first person to be a jealous, spiteful asshole whenever something good comes my way instead of theirs.

It sounds like your cousin's wife is in the second category, Melismata. It might be a good idea to remove her from your newsfeed on Facebook and just look at her page occasionally. You can also make other plans for the day of the shower if you really need to.

And your co-worker? Is a pig. From the third category. You can do better. Or at least find someone of your own species.;-)

Tonight a guy on Lavalife decided to swear at me for not getting back to his IMs fast enough. Sometimes guys do us a favour by striking themselves off the list right away so we don't waste any time on them. This is a good thing.

I just wish there was a way to avoid feeling slapped by it.

My cousin's wife just had a baby.→[More:]I should mention, this is a woman who posted 86 pictures of her cat to Facebook.

That was a well-timed lol. Laughing at her, not at you, of course.

How about you, do you have cats? Cats are WAAY cooler than kids anyway. Probably cooler than significant others, too, although without the perks unless you're some kind of perv.

Have I shown you pictures of my cats lately?

I never wanted kids, and don't have any, but once in a while I have a mild pang because I am missing out on one of those big life things. I also had few very bad years before meeting a pretty swell guy at 40 on OkCupid. That is my story, which is only mildly related to your story.

But I did think a couple things. 1. Why not ask the question at Ask? Of course it won't change your circumstances, but sometimes the right answer (like some you got here) is hearing how other people got through similar circumstances. Maybe someone will say something that makes a big difference. Maybe it will make you feel a little better or give you some good ideas.

Another thing I thought, is how my dad became a "Big Brother" (or one of those things) when he was about 67 years old. He was/is something of an old-timer racist, but he took this 12-year old black boy named Maurice out for lunch every Saturday for about a year. They went to the pet store and bought fish for Maurice's aquarium sometimes, and he would tell my dad about his mother's annoying boyfriend, or about school, or other things, and they enjoyed each other's company, and dad had stories he could tell. And the reason I thought about that, I guess, is that it is one way to create an important relationship with a child if you want one? [I'm sorry if this is the stupidest idea you ever heard!]

I agree with removing the cousin's wife's newsfeed from your FB. And I'm sorry you are so sad. I hope your elderly relatives appreciate you!

Glinn's idea is a very good one. There are many ways to have a relationship with a special child without necessarily being a parent. And, if you really want to have a child, you can do it on your own. Lots of women do. If you even want to investigate the idea a little check out groups like Single Mothers By Choice.

It doesn't mean you will never have a partner but if the clock is ticking, well, you don't HAVE to be in a relationship or have a partner to be a parent.

I know this doesn't address this particular moment of sadness you're feeling but just keep in mind that like they say, if the door is closed you can still climb in through the window.

On a New Year's Eve a man I deeply loved told me he could't marry me because my father didn't earn enough money. I cried every day for 3 years. Then I met a man who earned less than I did, and I didn't even earn enough to qualify to get a credit card to buy a $40 dollar rain coat. We will celebrate our 50th anniversary in April, have 2 homes, 3 marvelous sons and 2 grandchildren and are the most loving, functional family I know. Don't waste your time on a mercenary man; look for character. Finances can change, looks can alter, but character is the salient quality. Also, while my husband, children, and grandchildren do love me, no being on earth loves me as much as my dog. Dogs don't care if you're rich or poor, fat or thin, pretty or ugly, short or tall, their love is based on your character. We have had cats and dogs and their love is unconditional. My neurotic, hyperactive dog will defend me with his life, and often he is my sole reason for enjoying life. By the way my niece met her husband while walking her dog. He tried to join a group of men who were playing beach volleyball and when one of the boys allowed the dog to join the game, she knew he had the right qualities to be her husband and the father of her children.
Don't settle for a mercenary, selfish man. Look how a person treats dogs, cats, waiters, and those in less fortunate situations than his. Then you will truly see his character.
Also, you can always adopt a child; I have several friends who have done so.

Macduff that is the best thing I've read online all week. Seriously. Thanks so much.

Macduff is brilliant. That is all.