Ditto #1. Already spoken to 2 recruiters, have a VM from a third to respond to over lunch. But none of it means anything if I can't fix the things that are broken with myself. I will, however, appreciate a shorter commute. An hour by subway is just fine with me at this point. I'd like to: a) start sleeping again (I'm up at 5am daily now, thanks LIRR schedulers), b) start eating healthy/cooking for myself/buying less prepared food and takeout (yay, $aving$) c) maybe having a social life back?

#2 is that my Hip Hop improv class started last night. And holy crap, we're already freestyling and doing scenes into hip-hop musical numbers. And beatboxing. So fun.

#3 can be improv-related, too, to keep things upbeat. Did I mention I was selected to be on a team for the next 3 months? We'll have a staggered set of 7 shows over that period (all on Friday nights at 10pm, email me for details). Our first meeting/practice is this Saturday. I'm psyched.

I have a #4, but it's a seekrit.

I can take a swing at your #3, but I'm not about to psychoanalyze you unsolicited over the Internet.

I can take a swing at your #3, but I'm not about to psychoanalyze you unsolicited over the Internet.

Go ahead. My guess is because she was a connection to my mom...? And really the only other family I had on her side...?

(((Amro)))

1. Out for burgers and a movie with another couple this evening. We haven't been out to see a movie in months, so I am looking forward to it.

2. Somewhere nearby, someone has been playing amplified accordion music live all day. First it was this traditional gaucho-cowboy stuff this morning, then segued into cooler tango this afternoon. I am having a hard time placing where the sound is coming from, since I can think of no live music venues that close to my apartment.

3. Living at the beach is not all that it's cracked up to be, despite the tango music.

1. Slowly catching up on my backlog of post-xmas work.

2. Scheduling many fun things to do in the upcoming weekends! yay for a social life!

3. Just under 6 weeks until we go to New Zealand! Holy crap, I have some organizing to do...

1. Listening to the new (ish - late 2011) Gary Numan album while eating lunch at my desk.

2. Spent over an hour this morning trying to fix the spacebar on my work laptop - eventually, with the aid of tweezers, much swearing, and an eyeglass repair kit I got it fixed. Now I'm a spacing fiend!

3. Laundry pile getting bigger - apparently my Mom was right when she used to tell me "It's not going to clean itself!".

amro, I was thinking transference but I had my defense mechanisms mixed up. The technical term is "displacement"; facing the potential loss of your mother is too painful right now, so your mind is trying to prepare you by revisiting past sorrows that are currently less poignant. It's sort of like mental antibodies. When you get a vaccine, your body starts pumping out antibodies to help you deal with the actual infection so that it doesn't have as much of a chance to make you sick. Your brain is gearing up to deal with loss.

Jeez, I don't know if that helps or makes things worse. IANAP, IANYP, etc. Either way, warm hugs to you (and the bf for being incredibly supportive; but, you know, manly hugs).

Oh, Slack, I missed your post. How's the new Numan? (You're tempting me to fire up Replicas on the turntable when I get home.)

Hmm, I buy that. It makes sense.

PS Thanks Eid. That is helpful.

1. ILLiad at work hasn't been functioning properly since the upgrade occurred on December 19th. Quite frustrating. I have potential jobs to look at, but I'm laaaazy and I like everything about my job except the pay, so it's hard for me to think really hard about jumping ship.

2. Finally got around to doing my New Years post on LJ with my resolutions and new motto and such. Maybe this year I'll do better with my resolutions than last year, heh. I'd still like a reset of this year because this past week and change has sucked. My perspective is probably not aided by the fact that I still have the headache that I woke up with, despite taking Tylenol this morning. I guess I'll have to take more with lunch.

3. I think I need a vacation. I know that I just had 10.5 days off in scattered ways around the holidays, but those really don't count because I had to go do stuff. I'm coming up on the vacation limit at work, but I don't really have the cash to pack a bag and go to the beach and drink fruity frozen beverages and read trashy novels. Plus, it's a little cold for that right now. Argh. Maybe I could just do that at home by turning up the heat and getting some drinks? But that's probably just wasteful in terms of my electric bill.

You're not weird or odd, amro. It'd be weird if you weren't going through something like this.

Grief is weird. Everyone experiences it differently. Remember the Chuckles the Clown (?) episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show?

Chuckles the Clown funeral.

Thinking of you, amro.

Sperose -- take a weekend "day off" and treat yourself as if being lazy at a winter ski lodge? ???

1. Still blissed out by hearing Sibelius' Symphony No. 2 this morning. It started on the commute with the Bear on Sirius' Symphony station, then I tuned it in on the Sirius website on the office computer. Other than the gap between getting out of the car and being in the office, it was a treat to hear the whole thing. I don't know why I've always loved that symphony so much.

2. Need to pack for short business trip to New Orleans, coming up Thursday this week. I totally hate packing for trips that start on weekdays because it almost always means I lose the evening before departure. (Actually I just hate packing, I admit it.)

3. Kinda psyched for next week's discussion on MeCha of The Known World. I really, really liked that book. Think I may re-read it on the New Orleans trip.

(((((Amro))))) I thought about you today - I think about you every time I see the smooshie-faced cat who lives across the street.

1. I had the New Year depression last week, but it's lifted now, thankfully.

2. I saw Shrek! The Musical last night with MeChazan sueinnyc. It was excellent, a real fun show, just the thing for a January evening.

3. Running group was tonight - we did an easy 6km and now I feel relaxed and a bit smug after an excellent dinner of braised pork shank in a pink peppercorn sauce with lots of healthy veggies. I'm eating dessert vicariously by watching a show about baking on TV.

Tell us your #4, Eideteker.

3. Living at the beach is not all that it's cracked up to be, despite the tango music.

Are you in Ipanema, msali? I forget.

1. Back to yoga tonight after 2 week absence. It has really helped, going regularly. Also, the only time my wife and I go to the gym together.

2. Dog is still holding her own, although her incontinence is worsening. It is such a double-edged sword. We love her and are trying to make her life as comfortable as possible, AND we are looking forward to the freedom of not having a dog (although not in front of her).

3. I had a dream last night in which I encountered gaspode's kid on the street. Said kid was eating yogurt with a spoon out of a small cup. I gave said kid a ride in my van (kid insisted on sitting in my lap) somewhere in SE Portland, but when we got to the coffee place that gaspode was supposed to be at, she wasn't there, and I said, no problem, and was looking up her speed dial # on my cellphone when I woke up.

Senyar, you continue to inspire with your running. If I could just get inspired enough to get my butt up off the couch!

Thanks for the hugs, guys. Sorry to be a bit one-track minded of late.

Hugs to you, amro.

Slack--a-gogo, I'd also love to hear what you think of the Gary Numan album. I liked some of his stuff in the 90s (as well as the classics, I mean), but haven't heard anything new since then.


1. Looking forward to our trip to Athens, GA this weekend. We're going up to the 40 Watt Club to see Alabama Shakes and the Drive-By Truckers play! AND it's on our anniversary, so we're going to stay up there, have dinner out on the town and make a night of it.

2. Guinness the cat is doing SO MUCH better. He still seems to tire out pretty quick, especially his now-single back leg, but he's run around the house a few times, purrs a lot, is eating normally, etc. And he's adapting to being an indoor cat very well, thank goodness. We're still separating him from the other two during the day while we're at work, but it won't be long before even that isn't necessary, I think. He still has these momentary freak-outs that the surgeon said may be caused by him losing his balance... other than that, you'd never know what hell he went through so recently. (Well, that and the huge shaved areas that are growing back SLOWLY.)

3. Looking forward to other stuff: having a good friend visit from the west coast in a couple of weeks, taking a night class (only two sessions) in photography in the next few weeks, going to see the Lemonheads next month. It's good to have things to look forward to.

danf: maybe you were taking her to Duckland! When I woke her up this morning she said "Mama, I was dreaming about Duckland. Can we go to Duckland?" I tried to question her further but she wouldn't elaborate on what or where Duckland was. Except that it was full of toy ducks, not real ones.

3 points on the mail I just brought in from the mailbox:

1. A discrete piece of junk mail from a provider of 'respectful cremation services'. My father pre-paid for one of those and when he died last year; it was one of the few things that wasn't an ordeal for me, although a mix-up between the service and the memorial park where his ashes were placed next to my mother's had him sitting in an urn on someone's desk for a couple weeks while they corrected a 'wrong container' problem. But I totally don't care what happens to my remains when I die - I was my father's sole heir so I have NO heirs, NO next-of-kin to leave any inheritance or problems to. My biggest goal for the next year is to sell or give away as much of my father's stuff and my stuff as I can; the sooner I accomplish that, the sooner I become free of any possessions that I don't actually use, then the happier I will be. (I may put up a list here for MeChans to pick from for the cost of shipping) I came to a simple acceptance last year of the fact that I won't be leaving anything behind of value, so I don't want a 'legacy' that'll be a burden to anyone or anything but the landfill. Seriously. In fact, if I can just be left out in the 'green trash' bin to be picked up, that's preferable to any other alternative to me. And things like the cremation junk mail remind me of that.

2. Returning to living for the NOW, today was supermarket flyer day in the mail. We have two nice mini-chains in the area, Spencer's and Scolari's, and representatives of the Big 3 chains, Ralphs/Kroger, Vons/Safeway and Albertsons/SuperValu, plus Trader Joes, New Frontiers (which endeavors to be like Whole Foods without the evil), and a Food4Less that was sold by Kroger to local people but got to keep the name. Not to mention more Farmers Markets per square mile than almost anywhere else, but I was talking about supermarket flyers. Anyway, after a ba-a-ad digestion day yesterday, I care less about food than usual, but the ads are a good indication of certain trends... am I the only one to notice the price of Ground Beef rising faster than other meats? But your mileage may vary. Ralphs had the nerve to advertise 30% fat at $2.99/lb as On Sale. But then, Vons had 20% fat at the same price and Albertsons had 15% at the same $2.99/lb., the best price for the relatively-low-fat I've seen in weeks. Still, $2/lb for 20% used to be my 'buy and freeze' signal and that's just not happening anymore. I still have some in the freezer from the last time, so it's not a shopping list item, just an observation.

3. One other 'not shopping list, I have plenty' thought: Is 'Ken's Steak House' bottled salad dressing better than the other brands or is it just... (a) their one unique flavor, Vidalia Onion is one of my top 3 liquid condiments ever so I'm supporting their Ranch too, (b) Ken's is not, as far as I can tell, part of a MegaAgriBusinessCorporation* (but I still have no idea who this 'Ken' is) and (c) its logo uses my favorite font, the 70s-ish Bookman Swash.
* I used to be so proud of using Smuckers jam, since their original factory was near where my cousins grew up, but as food makers started merging wildly, Smuckers picked up other brands and is now one of the top 10 MegaEtcs... I still fondly remember the early SNL fake commercial that came up with brand names worse than "with a name like Smuckers, it's got to be good".

danf: maybe you were taking her to Duckland! When I woke her up this morning she said "Mama, I was dreaming about Duckland. Can we go to Duckland?" I tried to question her further but she wouldn't elaborate on what or where Duckland was. Except that it was full of toy ducks, not real ones.

Well I live in Eugene. . .Go Ducks!

(this could be spooky but I am sure that I am stretching for the connection here. at least I hope so. . .)

GREEN with envy at BP's weekend. One day, BP, I will see the DBTs in GA with you, Arn, BOP and elizard.

I also thought of Guinness the other day when I saw a little dog in one of those little chariots to support his back legs and hips. I see him in the neighbourhood every now and again, out with his 'brothers' and he seems perfectly happy bowling along on his little wheels. Guinness will be fine on his three legs.

1. Ditto amro's #1.
2. I've started making Kool-Aid again (in my Kool-Aid pitcher) and any moment I am not drinking it (in my Kool-Aid mug), I am dreaming about drinking it. Mmmmmmm, sweet orange Kool-Aid.
3. Buying a new bed on Saturday! Our saggy old mattress and rickety old bed frame will soon be no more.

1. The remains of the range fire mocks me as the unavoidable and unsightly reminder of my own stupidity. Such a casual, common, unthinking mistake with such a drastic, potentially ruinous outcome, as with most things. It's like being slapped in the face by a parable every time I walk into the kitchen.
At least there's no way to make the same mistake again; the knob melted off.
While it is clearly my fault, there is no reason for cheap, highly flammable plastics to be living on the stove. Good a reason as any to finally take charge of the kitchen.

2. Time to start making lists again. It's amazing I held off for this long. Time to get my ass in gear and make that extra effort, give a good goddamn. I've got a limited window to make the most of my freedom. better get at it.
On the other hand, fuuuuck. Fuck it. Fucking fuck. I have a limited window for slack and debauchery. Really, I am a sad excuse for a libertine at this point.
Fuck.
What to do, what to do. Go back to hyper clean living, which it turns out doesn't actually matter as much as one is lead to suppose, at least in the short term, or try to wring as much hedonistic flavor out of life while i can? I invite emailed opinions, unless you want to state them here, which I am all for. I mean, there is a cut off date, so it's not like I have time to culture a hardcore addiction, at least the way I work. Lucky for me, I guess. I could get into so much trouble if I had a [blank] to contend with. Oh, look, I am sorta censoring myself here. Sad and unsurprising.

3. Oh, how I could go on. I feel so chatty today and yet I no longer know if metachat is a place for random chattiness. I feel I have been too randomly inactive for too long and would like to know the norms and standards that have entrenched themselves in my absence.
I finally took the first steps for a whole new blog as I don't know if this is still our community blog as it once was. That's not the only reason, but i feel like we need to get to know each other again, metachat and I. Maybe my random (oh, so random) musing are unwelcome now and it has developed a personality in my absence I should be aware of.
It will always have a place in my heart and I will always check up on it, as I am a creature of loyalties, for good or ill.
But does my confusion over trans "drag" performers now cross a line here? Or my bemoaning the state of teaching? Or asking for research subjects?
Oh, how I could go on.

Amro, I'll give my amateur status psych ideas if you want.

1. Something I've started feeling lately at work is a sense that everyone else is content to coast through the day, or that possibly they've decided that it isn't our problem that management won't staff us properly, something with which I agree in theory but can't put into practice because of its effect on patient care. The result, whatever the cause, is that I am doing (on average) about 30% more referrals than the next fastest worker. And for the past week or so, I have woken up several times per night trying to juggle trips in my sleep. Fucking place. At least, for the moment, I can cover my bills and occasionally indulge in things like...

2. a trip to visit Jerry, the Record God for the very first time, just today. I wasted about fifteen minutes in the main room, tricked by a sign that said "Classical" into browsing through odd 20th century orchestral stuff, and then traipsed about disappointedly for a little while until noticing the sign that said "Classical Room". And then, through the packed Composer Hall, the floor-to-ceiling stacked shrine to classical, complete with Opera Wall. I had literal chills. A few hours later, I stumbled out, laden down with Ashkenazy playing Tchaikovsky, Gould playing Beethoven, Horowitz playing Scriabin, Robeson playing Carnegie Hall, Horne as Orfeo and Callas as Tosca (1953, at La Scala), as well as about a dozen recordings of early troubadour music to play when working on my novel. After that, I didn't trust myself in the room where they keep the early 78s. Not until next paycheck, anyway.

3. Took a long, catching-up-on-sleep nap after I got home, worn out from my record quest, and now am going to go roll up some gnocchi while listening to my new tunes.

yet I no longer know if metachat is a place for random chattiness.

Yes, yes it is.

Also, that sounds AWESOME, notquitemaryann.

I was of course referring to the music-buying trip, not the work issues.

So after a chat with young gay men: young gay men know nothing! I feel generativity on both side! Gah! If I bring old men or young gay men here, i want kid gloves, If any at all. Gah! What to do?!
The kids know nothing, the old folks are jaded, and I am just soaking up the alcohol.
So I will test out some things, because life is an experiment, and apparently after today, I am a mad scientist. With credentials. Boo yah.

*hugs amro*
1.Got in a pool for the first time in 15 years yesterday; not to swim(though I did a bit) , but to "take the waters". It was also my first full spa day.
2. Need to find a travel doorstop. My room has both a u- and dead-bolt, but I ate in the hotel restaurant my first night, the man who was harrassing me in the business center works there (more details on FB)and I put my meal on my room tab.
3.Don't look quite as bad in a one-piece as I'd thought...and I won't need to Nair my crotch when I wear it. ;-P

I think hoping someone may grow out of it may be ageist.
Man, it is hard not to be stereotypical. There are just so many.

1. I'm having a series of meetings this month to meet people and give them an update on the stuff I'm managing. I'm very tired of meeting people. But my boss thinks I'm doing an awesome job so there's that.

2. Tomorrow morning I'm doing a department volunteer thing at the local food bank. They give kids in the city backpacks full of food on Fridays so they have something to eat over the weekend. So my department is one of many groups that volunteers to help make up the backpacks.

3. I'm making plans to visit some friends in Pittsburgh this spring. I'm very much looking forward to it.

I'm late on this but want to be in!

1. I did a good job at work yesterday and got praise from my boss and his boss, but today I was argumentative on a phone meeting and I think everyone hates me again.

2. I was sick with sinus infection all weekend and am still recovering but feeling better finally. Being on the upswing is nice.

3. This weekend I am going to a concert with my sister and next weekend I am going to a concert with my friend who is coming in from Baltimore. I feel very hip.

4. BF is going away for a week on a writing retreat and I will miss him but am excited to have the house to myself a little. I just wish he would take his stupid cats.

I'm later, rmless2

1. On Monday, I lost a great friend/coworker. ONly 58, he had a lung condition that slowly was taking away his ability to breathe. He was an awesome person; he wore his silver hair long, he was over 6' 3" (honestly, he looked like the character "Winter" from the holiday classic "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"). Whenever we all went out to dinner, other people would look at him and wonder "Do I know him? Is he famous?" He will be greatly missed.

2. On Tuesday, I lost my second cousin, Marcus, my cousin's eldest son. He was only 28, but had been born with a bad heart that, after years of okay-dness, gave out on him. He leaves behind a little three year old daughter that he had custody of (and that my cousin will now raise).

3. Because of some things I've been through and discovered in the last couple of years, I find that though I'm sad, I'm not devestated. I truly believe we will all see our loved ones again. I absolutely believe there's a life after this one. It gives me great comfort to know this, to know that the wonder of life doesn't end with the end of life - it continues on a different plane.

Sorry for the ramble. It's much easier to feel this way when the people you lose were suffering in this world, and now they are not.