MetaChat - Proof that I'm a monster.

I have dipped pizza in melted butter. Also in blue cheese dressing.

And it's good.

posted by amro 03 February | 10:28

I think that taking a dump is second only to orgasm in good feelings.
But a far second, by far.

posted by Ardiril 03 February | 10:32

Sometimes when I'm shopping, I go to the candy aisle and squeeze the peanut butter M&Ms until they break.

I haven't done this in a while, since it's mean.

posted by punchtothehead 03 February | 10:34

I used to dip pizza in cola. And I like iced tea from the powdered mix.

posted by wens 03 February | 10:36

Sometimes at night if the moon hits me just right I jump out the window and run through the feilds ripping trees out of the ground and generally GRRAAAAAAAARR!

Also, I own six crock pots.

posted by rainbaby 03 February | 10:53

I always have to examine my tissue after I blow my nose.

posted by gaspode 03 February | 10:56

Real lemonade doesn't taste nearly as good as Crystal Light lemonade does.

posted by msali 03 February | 11:07

On toast, I prefer I Can't Believe It's Not Butter to the real thing.

posted by Hugh Janus 03 February | 11:19

I like powdered swiss miss style hot chocolate better than the real thing.

posted by rmless2 03 February | 11:28

Microwave popcorn trumps all in my book. The more "Movie Theatre Butter" the better.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 03 February | 11:29

I secretly binge on chewing gum.

posted by JanetLand 03 February | 12:11

Pizza-wise, what separates me from normal humans is Pineapple. I love it (yeah, I'm the guy), but not the usual "Hawaiian Pizza" with ham (ham other than prosciutto is among my least favorite meats), but with Pepperoni. But then, I love Pineapple in general. And the canned more than the fresh, shamefully. I'll mix crushed pineapple with jar salsa at about a 1-to-2 ratio (and nobody can stop me, bwahahahaha). And did you know Smuckers makes Pineapple Preserves? And while no teriyaki sauce is complete for me without visible chunks of pineapple, the one thing I don't like is Carls Jr's Teriyaki Burger With Grilled Pineapple (but then, if anybody can ruin a beloved food, it's Carls - Pineapple, Teriyaki Glaze, Swiss Cheese?, Lettuce and Tomato??, MAYONNAISE???)

posted by oneswellfoop 03 February | 12:12

I chase reflected light though I know it's always proven futile, and I bite to show affection. Also I lick my own ass compulsively.

posted by Trilby 03 February | 12:15

I like the movie "Spaceballs".

posted by Melismata 03 February | 12:17

I wipe my nose on my sleeve. (With the lack of humidity in the office, all of us are constantly sniffling but we're not sick, it's just our noses run all the damn time.)

posted by sperose 03 February | 12:27

In my mind, coffee and cat shit probably taste so similar that they're virtually indistinguishable.

posted by ufez 03 February | 13:07

Amen, ufez! :)

posted by Melismata 03 February | 13:16

I prefer AYCE buffet-style sushi, the cheap stuff. The more expensive sushi gets, the less I like it; the textures and flavors just don't appeal to me.

posted by galadriel 03 February | 13:58

I prefer AYCE buffet-style sushi, the cheap stuff.

Oh, I do LOVE a crappy buffet. In the absence of a single decent Chinese restaurant in our area, we'd been muddling along by paying periodic visits to the dreadful-delicious strip-mall Chinese buffet... until the story about their worker exploitation hit the news a year or two ago.

Boycotting the crappy buffet has been an embarrassingly trying test of my ideals.

posted by Elsa 03 February | 14:09

I prefer Log Cabin to real maple syrup

I hear that: it's about familiarity and comfort.

By the same token, when I am sick, I want Campbell's chicken noodle soup (or, in a pinch, Chicken & Stars) and a processed-American-cheese grilled cheese sandwich, if possible on Pepperidge Farm white bread. I do not want nice homemade soup or farmhouse cheeses, much less your hearty homemade bread. I want something absolutely standardized and predictable.

posted by Elsa 03 February | 14:14

Even though I make fantastic soup, the best soup ever in the whole wide world is still Crosse & Blackwell Scotch Broth from a tin.

posted by Senyar 03 February | 14:29

In my youth I disdained them, and called them "snot biscuits".

But now, I love the little White Castle burgers.

posted by fleacircus 03 February | 14:32

Every once in a while...I got to KFC and eat a big crunch with fries and their horrible horrible, thick thick gravy. I always feel shame afterward.

posted by richat 03 February | 14:40

Coffee is bilge water.
Coffee ice cream on the other hand is food of the gods.

posted by plinth 03 February | 14:41

I have dipped pizza in melted butter.

Doesn't Papa John's still deliver pizza with garlic butter, specifically for this purpose? (I haven't gotten pizza delivery since I figured out how to make it myself, so it's been a while.) It *is* good.

Pizza-wise, what separates me from normal humans is Pineapple

Mmmm, pineapple on pizza. Except I hate ham, so pineapple with mushrooms, pineapple with pepperoni, pineapple with olives. Pineapple by itself.

posted by galadriel 03 February | 14:50

I can't wake up without hitting the snooze button at least once. I do this though I know it always wakes my poor husband up and he can't get back to sleep. And sometimes after I've woken him I reset the alarm and go back to sleep myself.

I prefer to eat lobster and crab with my fingers. I am willing to do this in public.

I threw out my friend's special bottled water here at work because I was so determined to clean the refrigerator that I forgot to ask her first if anything in there was hers. (She reasonably asked me why I felt the need to toss a can of water???)

And I bite my cuticles.

posted by bearwife 03 February | 14:52

You know the whole Taco Bell lawsuit thing? When I heard about it I thought, "Hm. I haven't had Taco Bell in years." The next day we had tons of it for dinner. I still think it's wonderful.

After seeing Harold & Kumar go to White Castle, my old roommate and I looked at each other and we both knew we had to get some. So we went and ordered a crave case for just the two of us. It was awesome. I still get sad that White Castle is something the BF will never eat.

And I'd probably drink ranch dressing if it wasn't socially unacceptable and a waste of calories.

I prefer to eat lobster and crab with my fingers. I am willing to do this in public.
Who doesn't eat crab with their fingers? Unless it's already out of the shell, that is. When we go out for crab, I'm unabashed about tearing into it with fervor and making a horrible mess in the process.

posted by youngergirl44 03 February | 14:56

I confess to an inappropriate love of the Olive Garden's disgustingly cheap, horrendously fattening AYCE soup, salad & breadsticks lunch special. With raspberry lemonade. I can restrain myself to going maybe 2-3 times per year but my Midwestern shows when I do indulge, get like 3 refills of each item, can barely ride my bike back to work afterwards, then spend the rest of the afternoon in a miserable food coma :P

yg, as a Maryland native, I am shocked that there are people who DON'T eat crab with their fingers. Crab is supposed to be accessorised with plastic bibs, served in a pile dumped wholesale onto a table that's been spread with butcher paper, bashed open with mallets, pulled apart and eaten like you're auditioning for a role as Henry the VIIIth and/or Ghenghis Khan, then washed down with Natty Boh.

Oh and you must also lick your Old Bay enrobed fingers whilst wincing as capsaicin gets into the cuts and/or hangnails.

*drool*

posted by lonefrontranger 03 February | 15:06

lfr, I love the Olive Garden AYCE thing too, and with raspberry lemonade. The soups are surprisingly good for mass-produced food and those breadsticks are the crack cocaine of breadsticks.

posted by Senyar 03 February | 15:15

I prefer to eat lobster and crab with my fingers. I am willing to do this in public.

Also mussels. I rarely eat mussels in restaurants, though, because I want them EXACTLY the way I want them, and because I can feed homecooked mussels to several people for the price of one serving in a restaurant, and (especially) because I want to eat enormous quantities of really good bread with my mussels --- more and better bread than most restaurants will cheerfully provide.

Also, because I can't forget Anthony Bourdain's advice about mussels:

I don't eat mussels in restaurants unless I know the chef, or have seen, with my own eyes, how they store and hold their mussels for service. I love mussels. But, in my experience, most cooks are less than scrupulous in their handling of them. It takes only a single bad mussel, one treacherous little guy hidden among an otherwise impeccable group... If I'm hungry for mussels, I'll pick the good-looking ones out of your order.

My mother will not eat mussels in public because, as she will happily tell you, they get stuck in her teeth. So every so often, we have a mussel dinner, usually with my sister: I show up with a bag of local mussels and some homebaked bageuttes and make dinner, Mom makes a salad and deals with the mussel-and-garlic-smelling trash. It's a pretty sweet deal all around.

posted by Elsa 03 February | 15:44

Talk of delicious seafood eating events cause me to sprout wings and fly wraith-like to the doorsteps of those who describe same and insist they provid me with said delicious seafood.

Also, I fall asleep in the chair.

posted by rainbaby 03 February | 15:56

ONLY IF YOU BRING ME A CROCKPOT!

posted by Elsa 03 February | 15:59

Have never flown carrying a crock pot. Maybe a back pack could be rigged. Willing to try.

THEY ARE USEFUL FOR THE ENTERTAINING

posted by rainbaby 03 February | 16:05

What's something horribly wrong about you?

Jeez, i totally missed the point here... but if I start listing the Horrible Wrongs of me, we'll be here all day. I'll just pick one:

When I'm sporting a painful or grotesque injury or ailment, I WANT SO MUCH TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT in horrible, Lovecraftian detail. The social requirement to restrain myself causes me actual physical discomfort; I get all itchy and twitchy when someone asks after an injury and I wave it off.

Right now, I have a flap of horrible dead tissue (where I sliced right through my forefinger with a kitchen knife) stubbornly clinging to the soft, pink regrowth of flesh. It's not quite healed enough to cut it off yet, so I have to keep it bandaged A) to prevent it snagging on things and getting infected and B) because I look like a special effect from an early Cronenberg film.

So I'm sporting this big white gauze bandage and people keep asking what happened. I answer "Oh, I cut myself, it's nothing," when what i really want to say it "OH MY GOD I PUNCTURED MY FINGER HORRIBLY AND NOW IT'S ALL NECROTIC AND DISCOLORED LOOK AT IT YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO PLEASE LOOK AT IT!"

posted by Elsa 03 February | 16:10

Here's my snooze button: I set the alarm for 7:15, let the terrible local station play for half an hour (at least the morning hosts are nicely sarcastic and seem to understand how much their selection sucks), stay in bed for another half hour, go in the bathroom, read for another 15 minutes (I have at least three books in there at all times), get in the shower, and leave for the office at 9:02, arriving at 9:15ish.

Technically, I believe my start time is 8:30. But I do stay until like 6 or so at night, so I get my 8 hours in (plus lunch).

My favorite food is anything I can stick my finger in and lick off. I eat bagels by dipping them in the cream cheese.

THIS IS WHY I'M FAT.

posted by Madamina 03 February | 16:22

and those breadsticks are the crack cocaine of breadsticks.

Have you had the cheesy biscuits at Red Lobster? I think they're the cousin of the Olive Garden breadstick. In NYC you get nutritional data on your chain menus. The biscuits are 9g of fat each. I still eat multiples.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 03 February | 16:29

If there are nice biscuits (AKA cookies to the uncivilised) available, I WILL EAT THEM ALL. In polite company, I find it hard to restrain myself. I do not have this problem at home.

posted by dg 03 February | 16:56

When I have a cream soup, I put in enough bread/ crackers to make a mush.

posted by brujita 03 February | 17:31

Forget catsup - french fries are best when dipped into honey mustard dressing.
I also will eat ALL THE COOKIES once a package is opened. (Orange Pims are my kryptonite.)
I like Olive Garden and Applebee's food.
In general I prefer restaurant food to homemade. I think that's in part because food someone else makes is always better than what I make.

posted by deborah 03 February | 17:53

The biscuits are 9g of fat each.

I think the Olive Garden breadsticks are 9g of salt each. But they are so good. And the sausage and potato soup is to die for. (In rural Ohio a meal at the Olive Garden in Chillicothe is almost haute cuisine.)

posted by Senyar 03 February | 17:55

(In rural Ohio a meal at the Olive Garden in Chillicothe is almost haute cuisine.) Senyar speaks truth. I've been in Chillicothe, many times.

on review... we would often dress up just to go to the Friendly's in Lebanon (it's a regional ice-cream-and-burger joint of the same sort as Denny's). Like almost to a 1950's level of dress up. This was oh, like, 1982.

posted by lonefrontranger 03 February | 18:43

I haven't worn a dress in a year. I have dresses and skirts I like, too, but with our relaxed dress-code at work I always, always take the lazy way out and end up in cords and a hoodie. Klassy.

posted by toastedbeagle 03 February | 19:10

I love those cheesy biscuits at Red Lobster. i haven't been there forever and I would only go for the biscuits.

posted by ethylene 03 February | 19:56

I prefer Log Cabin to real maple syrup. I blame my upbringing on processed foods and cooking out of a box.

I was raised on fake syrup, but since eating real stuff, the fake makes me think of eating vaguely liquid plastic. I keep meaning to bring syrup with me when going out to breakfast, in case I get pancakes, french toast or waffles. As of yet, I have not.

Sometimes when I'm shopping, I go to the candy aisle and squeeze the peanut butter M&Ms until they break.

in my wild high school days, I went into a 7/11 and squeezed a bunch of Twinkies. The guy working at the time shouted "Hey! HEY! Don't FUCK with the merchandise!" (Or something like that.)

I can't wake up without hitting the snooze button at least once. I do this though I know it always wakes my poor husband up and he can't get back to sleep. And sometimes after I've woken him I reset the alarm and go back to sleep myself.

My wife does the same sort of thing, except our clock requires you to re-set the alarm. And I now sleep on the alarm side. So I wake up enough to re-set the clock for another 10 to 30 minutes of sleep. Except I rarely fall asleep, because I'm sure I'll be more tired if I start falling asleep for the alarm to wake me back up. But I love her, so she wins.

Coffee can be delicious. Doubly so with a dollop of ice cream in place of milk and sugar.

I beat up my cats, and they like it. Well, it's soft punching or rough scratching, and they do seem to enjoy it.

posted by filthy light thief 03 February | 20:11

And I keep buying music, even though there are literally walls covered with CDs and two closets filled with vinyl. But my wife supports my addiction, so far (as I sit, looking at four new CDs, one of which is somewhat for her).

posted by filthy light thief 03 February | 20:14

I like my cereal soggy. Life cereal is particularly good soggy. And Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.

I also only cut my toe nails about twice a year. I'm due.

posted by Pips 03 February | 20:23

filthy: I had this big, furry, kinda dopey longhaired cat ages ago who loved to get "zoomed" on the livingroom rug. he'd lie there belly up, paws waving, and beg for one of us to zoom him around the rug on his back and/or vigorously scrub his belly. HE LOVED IT. omg, he was just in kitty heaven.

this was the same cat who also loved to be vacuumed, of all things. I swear I am not making this up. he basically wasn't too bright.

posted by lonefrontranger 03 February | 20:24

he basically wasn't too bright

Aw, sounds like my Jezebel. I honestly think she was inbred or something. Dumb as a bag of hammers. I am a probably a bad person for wanting another one just like her.

posted by JoanArkham 03 February | 21:17

≡ Click to see image ≡
Hi, all!

And lonefrontranger isn't making it up: Hooooooooooooooooo-verrrrrrr.

posted by Kronos_to_Earth 03 February | 21:34

This is a fun thread. Fake maple syrup is my preference. If I dared buy a box of Ego waffles they would be devoured in a couple of days. I love Red Lobster biscuits (I would like to know how to replicate them at home). Fish Filet sandwiches from McDonalds are delicious. I love Krystal cheeseburgers. I like Folgers coffee and Bud Lite. If I didn't feel so guilty I would buy Frosted Flakes and have giant bowls instead of oatmeal or Shredded Wheat. I sprinkle salt on Kraft Mac n Cheese as if there wasn't enough sodium already.

posted by LoriFLA 03 February | 21:52

Lfr, Beverly Cleary's last Ramona book featured a cat named Clawed who loved to be vacuumed.

posted by brujita 03 February | 22:42

At restaurants I'll get some of the lemon wedges from the tea fixin's and take them with me to the table, where I salt them down and eat them for dessert. Yum.

Man, now I'm drooling.

posted by lysdexic 03 February | 23:36

Peanut butter on pancakes and waffles. Always. And this is why I'm fat.

posted by gc 04 February | 05:53

Pssst. Red Lobster biscuit recipe!

posted by JoanArkham 04 February | 07:50

Oh, yes! Pancakes with feta cheese and honey!

posted by lysdexic 04 February | 09:36

Our adoptee cat loves to be vaccuumed. We assumed this is because he's deaf, and doesn't get bothered by the vacuum noise. Seems there's more to it. Now that I think about it, it probably feels good, like a suction-massage.

SALT. I adore salt. People sneer at me when they watch me put salt on food,k especially food that is extra-special good because it's fresh, or chef-created, or already pretty salty. They say "You can't taste the flavor of the food under all that salt!" I say "I like the flavor of the food WITH SALT ON IT." I don't care. I can't help it. Salt is yummy. I fear ever being diagnosed with a condition which would forbid me salt. I get it from my mother; she salts brownies. I'm not quite that bad. But I put copious salt on almost all savory foods, and miss it when it's not there.

posted by Miko 04 February | 13:18

Miko, people have also harassed me all my life for over-salting things. I even got a set of shakers (both filled with salt) as a gag gift once.

Turns out I have a disorder that causes problems related to low blood pressure, and one of the recommended treatments is salt. Like, 10g of salt a day. I can't possibly put that much salt on my food in one day, even if I salt breakfast, lunch, and dinner AND drink a lot of Gatorade. Apparently, I crave it for good reason.

Also, any time I get blood tests, I check to make sure I don't have an electrolyte imbalance...no bad blood test results due to salt, yet.

So hey, maybe you crave salt for good reason, too.

posted by galadriel 04 February | 14:48

OH I AM A SALT MONSTER. Even as a child, I felt deep sympathy with the salt-craving creature from that episode of Star Trek. I don't want disfigure and kill you to suck your vital salts from your flesh, I just HAVE TO.

One of my favorite recent gifts: a BIG JAR of fancy finishing salt, great big florets of gorgeous salt to sprinkle over finished dishes. I have to refrain from eating it right out of the jar.

posted by Elsa 04 February | 15:03

I have salsa and chips for dinner pretty often. Or popcorn.

I like wearing a turtleneck and sweatpants to bed, so no one knows if I never get "dressed" the next day. The salsa stains, however, are a problem.

posted by theora55 04 February | 15:04

HA! I had chips and refried beans for dessert last night, after a dinner of a banana dipped in ganache.

Then I didn't feel good. SHOCKING.

posted by Elsa 04 February | 15:06

I make myself peanut butter and butter sandwiches.

And I have never seen E.T.!

posted by halonine 04 February | 23:44

03 February 2011