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04 December 2010

So last night my husband came home drunk: A FML Story FML Filter *GROSS-OUT WARNING*: So last night my husband came home extremely drunk. [More:]Now, my husband is a very big guy, and can drink most other men under the table on the rare occasions he drinks. Last night, he came home (via cab, no worries) and proceeded to lock the already unlocked deadbolt. This deadbolt can only be unlocked with a key (meaning it has keyholes on both sides). Of course, I am scurrying around looking for my keys while a large, loud North Carolinian in leather is wailing "DAAARLIN' it wun open!!? HALP!!" in his best Foghorn Leghorn accent (when he's sober he sounds fairly normal, but when he's drunk he actually says things like "boo howdeh!" and "hooo dowggies!"). After I managed to unlock the door and let him in, he staggered around like a Southern-Fried Frankenstein for few minutes, then flopped down on the couch and passed out. Since trying to move him was like dealing 6'2" 275lbs autistic toddler, I left him there and went to bed.

A short time later, the inevitable happened. I hear him charge into the bathroom and unleash the "colors of the wind" like a long-haired cat with hairballs. After he staggered back to the couch, my spidey sense was tingling, and I had to go make sure all was well in the bathroom.

The good news is, he made it to the toilet.

The bad news is, he neglected to lift the lid first.

The REALLY bad news is, the toilet is right next to a baseboard heater.

That man is lucky he married a woman who isn't afraid of bodily emissions and loves him enough to mop up 2 gallons of burning, half-digested pizza, rum, and coke at 3am.
I hope that you get MONTHS of concessions from him over this. He owes you, and owes you big.
posted by danf 04 December | 14:45
Southern-Fried Frankenstein

The good news is, he made it to the toilet.

The bad news is, he neglected to lift the lid first.

EEEWWWWW!!! I've cleaned up similar messes (back in my fraternity days, not from my honey), and yeah, that sucks. On the other hand, maybe no you understand why us guys always leave the seat up!


I'm glad you love him that much. I feel sorry for you though.
posted by Doohickie 04 December | 15:04
Oh.. and the reason I copied the Southern-Fried Frankenstein part is I wanted to mention that made me laugh out loud. Great description!
posted by Doohickie 04 December | 15:05
You truly are a saint among women, evilcupcakes. Your husband owes you BIGTIME.
posted by msali 04 December | 15:46
You are a very funny writer. Well told. Plus, you are made of strong stuff.
posted by Miko 04 December | 16:08
Gross! You are brave and smart for cleaning up before it started permeating the house like the world's worst aromatherapy oil heat scent.

Are you banking this one or do you have something in mind that you want to cash it in for?
I am sensing an extra holiday gift in your future...
posted by rmless2 04 December | 17:30
OMG that is worth semi precious stones AT LEAST.
posted by gomichild 04 December | 17:56
Semi precious stones are nice, but what really should happen is that you NEVER have to clean the toilet EVER again.
posted by JanetLand 04 December | 18:06
Well, the guy gets a bit of a pass for being a great husband and just so darn funny. But, as he would put it, "HOOOOOO DAWGGIES! That was ah NAHSTY sityeashun!!"

I'm easy, I am thinking a night out and Harry Potter at Cinerama will suffice. Oh, and the right to tease him about it for the rest of his life :D
posted by evilcupcakes 04 December | 20:04
I approve of this story. Thanks, evilcupcakes. Way to paint some pictures.
posted by rainbaby 04 December | 20:37
So, this is what love looks like.

It sure ain't pretty.
posted by jabberjaw 07 December | 17:51
Ducks in the wind || Snow!