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26 August 2010

God I get pissed off sometimes!! Why are people so crazy?![More:]Just found out that my male friend, who is/was in a co-dependent relationship from hell, broke off the engagement, moved out, but just "temporarily moved back in" because "she is afraid to live alone."

I've thrown tons of the worst of the relationshipfilter askmes at him over the years, to no avail. She's definitely a crazy bitch--bipolar, self-medicates with alcohol, leaves 500 messages on his phone every time they break up, told him "if you don't buy us a house, it means you don't love me." And he keeps going back. Unbelievable.

Sorry--I try to keep repeating to myself that "it takes all kinds to make an interesting world," but on days like today, I just lose it.
One of my male friends in college, otherwise a very brilliant and capable person, was in thrall to a woman who lived on the floor above me in our dorm. She was beautiful and insane, and used him ruthlessly. Just to add a twist, he did seriously date a very nice and attractive and sensible woman who lived down the hall from me, who kept regular hours, didn't destroy property, didn't call him routinely at 3 am to demand he drive from his dorm to our college, and also loved him. But the gorgeous crazy woman kept him mesmerized, to the cost of his healthy relationship with the woman who lived the hall from me.

The desire to rescue can be overwhelming.

As you are friends, maybe you can ask him if this is the person who most deserves his attention and energy . . . or whether there might not be someone out there waiting who genuinely needs him and also can bring him some joy, stability, and happiness.

It is lucky that he has you in his life. Being in a relationship like this is like living with a vampire.
posted by bearwife 26 August | 16:29
The desire to rescue can be overwhelming.
this... also something I told one of my Carpool Guy friends, whom I'm still friends with, and who, after two years of insanity seems to have FINALLY, once and for all, cut loose his multiple-mental-disordered, selfmedicating batshit crazy ex:

sometimes (and I'm speaking for myself here, because I definitely recall this dynamic from when I dated Batshit Ex From Hell) -- it's that we just get so hopelessly addicted to the roller-coaster of drama we just can't face the "boredom" of living alone or with someone rational.

I mean, it's just like any other addiction. You can get addicted to crazy, too.
posted by lonefrontranger 26 August | 16:44
It's complicated.

I have been in a related situation recently (passive aggressive, paranoid, narcissist, pathological liar). The overwhelming advice from my friends and family has been to run, run away, run far, run fast and never look back. But I have not heeded their advice. Two main reasons for this are that very needy people are strangely addictive once you forget how weird their behaviour is, and I see it as an emotional extreme sport. Can I stretch my emotions to their limit without snapping? She has emotionally destroyed a number of men this year using nothing more than an apparent coquettish demure innocence and a complete lack of concern for others. Naturally, she feels she is the victim and these men are all taking things too far and miss-reading the situation. To be fair, she is half right.

My own life has been on hold while I go from crisis to crisis in the self obsessed world I find myself privy to. It is not healthy, but it is very immersive. I learn a bit about myself every time. Some of it is positive, some negative. Maybe I am an inverted narcissist. Maybe I am obsessed with the desire to rescue. Maybe I am too full o'th milk of human kindness. Maybe I am a masochist.

People say the kind of thing that bearwife offers above all the time. I answer that it is more interesting than being alone, which I have plenty of experience with. On the upside, I have never been as active on dating sites as I am completely inured to the regular rejection that I am accustomed to. I would have given up long ago were it not for the motivation that she gives me to find any sane woman to interact with.

Very soon I will have to return to my life and forego the rush. She is an impossible person and I must disentangle myself from her. My friends are right.
posted by asok 26 August | 17:14
So sorry, asok. I thought the world of my male friend in college and still do. I just knew he was never going to get anything out of the relationship. I also figure there are plenty of people in the world who genuinely need help and support -- why should the people with the personality disorders get it instead? I wish you tons of luck finding the sane woman you are looking for, and getting off the emotional roller coaster ride.
posted by bearwife 26 August | 17:24
The desire to rescue can be overwhelming.

It was. And I have come to believe that it was killing me.

I've mentioned the Crazy Ex before (and I can legitimately call her Crazy because, well, since leaving me she's been residing in a home for the emotionally disabled). I went into the relationship knowing she was "borderline psychotic" (not the Borderline Disorder as currently defined) and, instead of pulling her back from the brink, my love and attention seemed to drive her farther and farther into the abyss.

At one point, a psychiatric clinic where she was seeing a therapist recommended me to a "Codependency Group". I went in hoping for advice on how to fix the relationship but all they ever did was reassure each other it was okay to DTMFA. I didn't get the message at the time.

And I didn't stop trying to rescue her and our relationship until I stumbled onto some evidence that the childhood trauma that was the foundation for most of her 'crazy' MIGHT NEVER HAVE HAPPENED. 15 years of over-credulous therapists probably helped fool me, but when I finally got the nerve to ask members of her family certain questions, my picture of her changed radically. Part of me still REALLY wants to see that relationship as me courageously trying to do the impossible and failing, rather than me getting strung along by a skilled liar and manipulator. And I still can't really be sure which it really was (most likely a very weird combination).

But please, don't hate me because I'm such a doofus.
posted by oneswellfoop 26 August | 17:30
we just get so hopelessly addicted to the roller-coaster of drama

The adrenaline rush of drama is probably one of the factors responsible for my heart disease.
posted by Ardiril 26 August | 17:38
But crazy-girlfriend-sex is AWESOME.
posted by BitterOldPunk 26 August | 17:44
Heh, yeah, BOP, that too.
posted by Ardiril 26 August | 17:54
Don't forget the crazy-boyfriend-sex! Particularly if he's just come back from several weeks overseas.
posted by Madamina 26 August | 18:11
Yeah, sane people are so dull in bed. (Can I say HAMBURGER here??)
posted by bearwife 26 August | 18:27
Yeah, sane people are so dull in bed.

I wouldn't know. I think that was one reason the Crazy Ex didn't scare me away right from the beginning. From previous experience, I'd come to the conclusion that only a crazy woman would have me.
posted by oneswellfoop 26 August | 18:40
Ah, now I understand why I'm still single: I'm not crazy enough!

Thanks for the stories tho; they do help!
posted by Melismata 26 August | 18:45
And yeah, I should have mentioned, a few years ago he rejected me for her; I think, at the time, he was looking to break away from her so he told me a bunch of lies that I believed, and that perhaps he believed, but ultimately he went back to her, and I think I'm still smarting a bit from it. It's bothering me today way more than it should, even though I've moved on.

Bearwife, your insight about how rescuing can be addicting has been enormously helpful for me. Thank you so much!! I owe you one. What would you like?
posted by Melismata 26 August | 19:05
Oh, I'll take what I recently memailed lriG rorriM for her awesome work on our MeCha book club wiki -- virtual roses and chocolates. How's that?

I am very glad to hear you have moved on. The woman who lived down the hall from me in college was a friend, and it hurt me to see the effect on her of being rejected by our male friend for Crazy Girl. She got past it too, which was a relief.
posted by bearwife 26 August | 19:19
I'd definitely liken it to a sick system. (God, I love that concept. Can you tell I've been there in multiple situations?) Luckily things weren't that crazy for me, but you honestly don't realize how bad things are until you're far away from it for a while. There's a completely different value of "normal" that you don't notice, while other people are going, "WTF, Mads! You're smarter than this!"
posted by Madamina 26 August | 20:46
Yeah, sane people are so dull in bed. (Can I say HAMBURGER here??)


I am suddenly reconsidering that Mariners game. . . .
posted by danf 26 August | 21:59
Why are people so crazy?!
Because they're people. At heart, we're all crazy in our own way.
posted by dg 26 August | 22:29
very needy people are strangely addictive


You understand their need and it feels painful and/or cruel to deny them, but maybe it's kinder to let them learn that they can survive not having the "need" met. But then you have to tolerate their hatred.
posted by Obscure Reference 27 August | 04:41
Word, Obscure Reference.

Yes Madamina, the sick system is very pertinent.
posted by asok 27 August | 06:16
Just make sure that the "kinder to let them learn they can survive not having the 'need' met" doesn't turn into a sort of passive-aggressive cruelty fueled by moral superiority... Well, you CAN do it, but be honest with yourself about it.
posted by fleacircus 27 August | 07:12
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