Only every day. It's only been the last two years I've had what I would consider to be a real job, and everything before that was kid stuff, me wasting time as the clock ticked. And I'm still wasting time on the personal side - relationships I have are mostly static and I seem to find little time or inclination on building new ones.

This has been a perpetual thing for me. I went to college right out of high school but dropped out after a semester. Didn't start again until I was 24, graduated at 27, didn't finish grad school until 32. Didn't get married until I was 33. Still don't have kids, don't own a house. Unemployed. Have never worked in my field.

OK I am just going to go watch this video again so I can get undepressed.

Pretty much, yeah. Even though I'm ahead in some areas (judging by the situations some of my friends are in).

Then again, I know that a lot of why I feel that way is influenced by my folks and really doesn't have any bearing on reality. Plus, they have a tendency to move the markers if I even come close to achieving anything.

I'm way ahead in some respects, way behind in others. I feel like being able to decide for ourselves where we're supposed to be is one of the real luxuries of modern life.

I don't, gf does. It's a major source of friction for us. In fact, as her younger sister's wedding approaches at the end of the month, it's probably the main source of friction.

It's probably not a good sign that I'm glad to be 200 miles away from her as the chaos escalates, eh?

I'm more concerned with the fact that a plastic fork tine just snapped off in my salad and I have no idea where it is. You know, immediate concerns.

On preview: There it is. Ow.

I've just done everything in the wrong order: I had a kid, bought a house, got married and then got a degree (and then got divorced, bought another house, got married again, got a graduate degree and then bought another house).

One thing that bothers me is travel, or the lack of it. Many of my friends are world travelers who've been everywhere and I still don't even have a passport. I went to Toronto once and that's no farther away from Pittsburgh than NYC is.

Yes and no.

I used to feel this way a lot more than I do now - particularly in my 20s. There was an anxious and driven quality to my life and I was constantly worried that I wasn't getting where I wanted to go fast enough.

In the last five years, this has slowed down considerably. Part of this is achieving some good successes in my career and personal life, so the anxiety that it will never ever happen fades a bit. I do feel professionally like I'm where I'm supposed to be, at least until I finish my Master's. But another part is just watching people's lives change as time passes. People who looked like they had it all together at age 30, causing me to feel 'behind', don't always look as together at age 40. There have been changes, difficulties, divorces. And lots of people have made choices very different from what they were "supposed to" be, and are happy and contributing.

I still get twinges about the road not taken, when I see colleagues or friends whose lives I envy a bit in some way. But I would separate that from a "where I'm supposed to be" feeling now. I no longer feel like I'm "supposed to be" anywhere in particular. Heck, in an alternate branch of reality I could be home with young kids, or being a college professor, or be struggling with a major illness, or be living abroad, or be in a lousy marriage...I know people in all of these places and more. Are those places I'm supposed to be? Or when I think about "supposed to be," am I imagining some idealized fantasy version of life that doesn't include illness, problems, roads not taken? Probably.

There's a lot you can control in life, and yes you can reach many of your goals with concentrated effort, but I no longer believe in the idea that you can map the trajectory of your life in advance and have it go the way you planned in all respects. In fact, I've discovered it's impossible to map too far ahead and be satisfied with the outcome, because you just can't know what you're going to want in 5 or 10 years - or what you will wish you had done now in order to bring that about. You can't even imagine what it is. And you can't make your actions retroactive.

Materially, I sometimes feel behind because I don't own a house yet, and would like to. On the other hand, maybe I'm ahead, because I've been supporting myself most of my adult life on a nonprofit salary, and I didn't take out a subprime loan like people were telling me in the late 90s, and finding myself pretty miserable right now with a worthless house in a place I had to leave anyway. With a career that will probably have me changing locales every 5 years or so, maybe it's smarter that I've never owned. Maybe it's smarter to save for a vacation house to vacation in, rent out and eventually retire to.

As for other material things, sometimes I'm envious of more affluent people's stuff, but I don't feel like I'm "supposed to" have it or even that they are. To some extent I think it's kind of a fool's game to lay up treasures on this earth, and it helps to remind myself of that. It can screw up the environment, waste money, and distract you from more meaningful pursuits.

Living to me is about growing, challenging myself, learning, changing, contributing, and acting responsibly. I guess as long as I'm doing all that, no matter what the conditions of my life, I'm where I'm "supposed to be."

Always. I seem to have done everything later than "normal." Now I am almost 35, single, childless, still a renter, only 4 years out of grad school... This is not where I expected to be or where I wanted to be at this point.

It's also worth saying that I think there are two types of competitive people in the world. I've noticed a lot of people around me are externally competitive. I'm internally competitive. I am continually trying to best myself. At sports, I'm more concerned with my performance as it relates to my own expectations rather than anyone else's performance OR expectations. I also tend to prefer solo sports/pursuits. I'll shoot freethrows but I'm not as interested in playing a game of basketball (even 1-on-1). I like rowing; in fact, I'll take the biggest, clunkiest rowboat rather than the sleeker canoe or kayak. I'm always challenging myself. I hike till my feet bleed, row till my hands blister (and yes, I've done both in one day, THEN went for a swim). I tend to play pool by myself and I'll play me-lefty vs. me-righty. On a few occasions, I've done the same with HORSE or Around the World when I tire of shooting freethrows.

I don't care what you've got. I'm completely indifferent to it. I just want more than I have. Always. Ever climbing. (Though for me, that's not really a monetary or social climbing sort of thing. It's purely personal potential.)

I spent the first 2 thirds of my life feeling that way. But somehow, slowly, being where I'm not supposed to be has become a feature instead of a bug.

I feel like I'm in the right place and doing what I want to do... but yes, it took me a while to get here. I also live in fear of what would happen when things changed (so I'm trying to be in control of that as well).

The important thing for me has been realizing that everything I do is part of what makes me successful. If I hadn't, say, delivered the mail when I was doing a more scut-work kind of job here, I wouldn't have such good face and attitude recognition with people in the building. That means that when I'm on the street, I can wave at some bigwig and he will wave back. People trust me.

On the flip side, I seriously don't understand how anyone is able to get ahead without major assistance from their families or similar. My own parents have had very similar trajectories: have a meaningful job in a field of your choosing, have a variety of things going on, but don't necessarily "move up the ladder." They live in a house which they would never have been able to afford on their own, thanks to a sort of early inheritance from my grandma. And that's all fine and good, but I won't have that advantage.

My partner is even further "behind" -- he came from a working class family in which his biological grandfather is still working as a painter in his late 70s. My partner is in a professional job, but he started "college" at age 30 and is still a good two years away from completion.

Mainly, it's a question of choice. We live in a fantastic town, but being in one of the neighborhoods closer to the downtown is more expensive. We have a pretty high cost of living here, and just thinking about something like daycare in a few years makes my brain numb. But DUH! Making these decisions is what being an adult is all about. Fun, fun, fun.

So it's raising a lot of questions for me. But I think that I'm generally the kind of person who can "make do" at whatever level, so things will be okay. Obviously I'd prefer no giant change in our living situation, but if I actually had to live on beans and rice and live without the internet... boring but doable.

I have never in my felt like I was "supposed" to be anything or get to any place. I am, however, often plagued by the feeling that "I never do anything right." Slight difference there.

I just realized (because I'm in the wrong place) that the first two thirds of my life took longer than many of you have been alive.

Sometimes I feel this way, when I think of where I thought I'd be at my age back when I was 13. I figured I'd have a great career, a fiance, and be at my most beautiful.

Also when friends get married and other friends ask why I am not, or have babies and imply that it's time to do that, I feel behind.

But then I look to my other friends who aren't buying houses, loving their jobs, married, or bearing children and realize that they are ok and I am too. Luckily I live in NY where there are plenty of mature single adults to reassure me that there is plenty of time for all that and that life is not a linear path with tollbooths where you pick up certain accoutrements.

Luckily I live in NY where there are plenty of mature single adults to reassure me that there is plenty of time for all

Unfortunately for women who want to have children, there isn't necessarily "plenty of time"...

I do and I don't.

At times, I wish I had successfully started a career, but becoming a stay at home dad has given me time and a low pressure chance to figure out where I really want to be. These two years have helped me realize what makes me happy and what doesn't, as such it helped me decide a couple of directions that I'll try going in. First, trying to start my own business. If that doesn't work out, I'll go back to school.

Eideteker brings up a good point about being competitive. I no longer try to measure myself against others, but how I've improved against myself. I always want to be learning, to learn more and do more than I've done.

I've learned my wife looks at the world differently. When we got married she had a mental checklist (get married, have kids, buy a house) and having met all of those, I think she sometimes feels like "what do I do next?" My list is really long, nearly impossible to complete and spans the rest of my life.

Not really, because I've never been a very goal-oriented person. I'm very comfortable in my life and feel okay about the future, and that's enough for me.

I think I overshot the mark.

Getting off this idea is the key to happiness, seriously.

Ugh, I am tormented by this EVERY DAY. I dropped out of a Ph.D. program at 24 but went on to get another master's and got a job and thought, well, at least I have a career, even though all my friends are getting married. Now I'm out of a job, have no career path to speak of, all my friends are having babies, and I haven't had a serious relationship in years. I'm 31 and often feel like a complete failure (especially since my younger brother is married w/ a baby on the way, a great career, and about to move to a new house--he's already on his second house and I'm nowhere near owning one of my own. I'm really happy for his success but it makes me feel more inadequate).

Also this is pretty much what a Quarter-Life-Middle-Life Crisis is about. Breathe. It can always be worse.

I guess I do view life as a competition at times. Mainly, I feel like I'm not ambitious enough. I have no interest in going back to school at this point in time (I have a bachelor's degree and I'm happy with that). I've never been particularly driven or "career oriented". I could care less about a career really. I'm one of those people who would be thrilled to stay home full-time. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be employed and have a great job that I enjoy. I love not working more. My parents have reminded me that these are my "prime earning years". Maybe I should be worried but I'm not. I will own my house outright in about five years and I have savings and retirement plans and all of that responsible stuff. If things change (job loss, decline in business) I'll change, too. I work so I can buy things, contribute instead of being a complete lazy slug, and so I can keep my up with my profession. And don't get me wrong, I do get bored. If I weren't working at all, I'd probably be whining that I was bored. I have dreams of being this domestic goddess full-time but that's not me either, unfortunately.

I worry why I'm not ambitious. Why am I not driven to make more money or have bigger and better? What are my goals? I have none. I used to care in my younger days but I don't care now. That was keeping up with the Joneses kind of worrying. I'm 37 and I still sometimes wonder, Is it okay that all I want to do with my life is work part-time, read the internet, and hang out with my kids and husband? What should I be doing? Somebody tell me what I should be doing!

Thanks for sharing, all. The discussion on the other forum mentioned a lot of the same factors- marriage, parenthood, home ownership, career level.

I think it's natural to 'keep up with the Joneses' in life because we're social animals.
Somehow we're built to be happy while striving for something. In Goethes terms is the imperative:Immmer strebend sollen wir uns bemühen.
It's possible to detach from that, mostly by finding a peer group who isn't into that.
Specifically I've only recently had a child. It was an awesome experience and I'm late compared to my peer group. But I don't think 'keeping up with the Joneses', that is in the Netherlands for educated people: have children starting at 32, would have made me happier.

No.

A little bit when I was under 25. Since then, I've gone with the flow. It probably helps that I never wanted children, and so didn't have that time pressure.

Interesting responses, thanks.

To put it differently: my middle age conclusion is that I don't have to 'win' over my peers. But 'keeping pace' with my peers is worthwhile.
And of course we can chose our peers.
But denial of the whole progression in life doesn't lead to happiness I have found.

Ugh, yes. Enormously, especially right now. I'm finishing up a masters program, planning to move back to the East Coast by the end of summer; I'm financially stable with no appreciable debt. I've got a solid job and a good resume. But all of my friends are getting married and having kids, or at the very least in the move-in-with-partners stage and I just split up with my boyfriend of four years (for very good reasons, many related to exactly this question and especially to my knowledge that if I want to have kids in the next few years I need to make sure that I'm in a place where that can happen with someone who wants it to). Which he didn't. So now I'm stuck with "well maybe if I'd stuck it out for a few more years he'd've wanted to" (except he totally wouldn't) and "okay, here we go starting from scratch" (and I kind of loathe dating) not to mention the ever popular "well you could always just do it on your own" (which becomes an increasingly attractive option).

Unfortunately for women who want to have children, there isn't necessarily "plenty of time"...

Yes. Exactly. It was one thing when the kids I went to elementary and high school with started getting hitched at 20 and 21 and having kids shortly thereafter; now it's the people I went to college and grad school with who are doing it. When it's the people who ALSO have grad degrees who manage not to have their relationships implode every couple of years, things start to get really painful.

I was not planning on being in the dating pool as one of those MARRIAGE-BABY-NOW women at this point but here I am. And I am not happy about it.

(This is not even to get into the issue of looking for a job and wondering if potential employers are trying to decide if I go on the professional track or the mommy track.)

I got on the freak track very early in life - like 15 or thereabouts - and it has served me well in terms of life situation envy. It's handy to be able to say, well, sure, yeah, but those rules are for straight people whereas I, I am an artist. So here I am, coming up into my late forties, no job at the moment, a career that never really went anywhere, too many dogs, two kids in varying amounts of trouble or greatness at any given moment, years of being single interspersed with a fascinating series of disastrous relationships and it's all okay because, hey, those rules are for straight people. I mean, sure, sometimes it irks me, the grinding poverty and all, but it's kind of late to start worrying now.

I long ago gave up on trying to compare my life to benchmarks about where I should be at any given time. Not because I think I'm above all that or anything, simply because I feel I've made too many bad life choices to ever achieve parity with my 'peers'. One of the key indicators for me is where you fit kids into your progression through life - you either have them while you're young, then have a period after they have grown where you can 're-start' your life as an individual, or you have that individual life and then have kids when you are older. Because my kids span such a wide age range (currently 7 - 23), I have never and will never get the chance to spend long years as anything other than a full-time parent, which very much defines who we are as a person.

I'm not particularly bitter about it or anything, execpt in those dark hours when I kick myself for not managing my life better. Life is what it is and there's not much I can do about it now, so the best thing is to cherish the good things about life and cope with the rest as best I can.

One thing I have found as I've got older, though, is that I no longer care too much about what others think of me, which includes gaining the freedom not to care that someone at the same stage of life as me has a nicer car/house/wife/mistress/whatever.

I got on the freak track very early in life - like 15 or thereabouts - and it has served me well in terms of life situation envy.

This idea really resonates with me, and may explain a lot of my backing away from the life-stakes competition. Very young, I got used to the idea that I was different, in good ways and in not-so-good ways, from most of my peers and that a lot of their landmark events weren't my landmark events, or weren't on the same timetable.

Another relevant question to consider is whether people who feel that they have 'kept up' or achieved what was expected them at whatever waypoints were expected are actually any more satisfied with their lives than anyone else. I am sure some are very satisfied, but there are others who have done everything "right" at the "right" time and who are really not in a more contented place than their friends who are, in mgl's straigtforward terminology, 'freaks.'

It's important to me to reference the goal. Is the goal in life to hit all the waypoints at the right time? Or is the goal to look back on your life and be proud, grateful, and satisfied, feeling it was rich and worthwhile, that you loved and were loved and feel good about how you spent your time? If it's the latter, the waypoints matter less, and what other people do matters less too, since we all experience life so differently.

I actually feel like a total fucking loser much of the time. I didn't ten years ago. Ten years ago, I was happy to go with the flow. Maybe a vague sense of dissatisfaction with the job situation. Never fixed that. Things just got worse and as the economy headed south, my economic situation went into the shitter.

And now I'm the better part of forty years old. Temping for a Federal agency. The job market has slammed shut on me, especially with the grey hairs sprouting on my head. No woman with a responsible job would ever take me seriously as a boyfriend. My family's written me off as a failure, as that odd cousin who had a lot of potential but never made anything of that potential. To their immense credit, they're too nice to tell me so.

Four fucking decades alive and I'm living proof that you can grow up to be . . . nothing, to have left no impact on the world, to have scrambled and struggled and ultimately signified nothing.

So, to answer your question: Yes, actually I do feel that way sometimes.

I just want to make it clear that I don't really care what anyone thinks of my life. This isn't about keeping up with the Joneses. I am not embarrassed by what I haven't achieved, I am disappointed because there are things I wanted by now that I don't have.

This thread shows why man invented beer.

Don't mind me. I'm just venting.

This thread makes me want to open that bottle of Boone's Farm I received as a gag gift.

My family's written me off as a failure, as that odd cousin who had a lot of potential but never made anything of that potential.

I'm sure my family is a little non-plussed by me, thinks I've wasted my life. I think The Fella feels the same pressure of inadequacy.

He's actually been a pretty good reference point for me, helping me to keep these anxieties in check. I know him, I know how smart and kind he is, how rich his life is, how his path in life has enriched just about everyone he's ever intersected with.

So I know that anyone who thinks he's wasted his potential must not know him very well, or that they're operating with a whole different scale of values than I am. Why worry about those assessments? Though it's hard for me to flat-out assess myself as AWESOME, I can easily assess his somewhat similar path as AWESOME and, through the transitive property, apply it to myself. Yee-ha, MATH!

That's given me a very welcome perspective on my own life, and the ability to kiss off the outsider's perspective. (And you know, jason's_planet, The Fella thought that no proper grown-up woman would be interested in him. He was wrong.)

It's funny isn't it? The word "potential" can be a huge stone a child is burdened with very young. I know I felt it. Never any doubt I'd go to university. Family figured I'd be a lawyer, or some other sort of professional thing. I got to university, couldn't figure out what the fuck I was doing there, and things "unraveled" from there. I put unraveled in quotations, because I can, with a pretty strong degree of certainty state I TREASURE my itinerant twenties. Sure, it took me 5 years to finish a 3 year degree (a degree that I've never used in ANY job). Sure I was poorer that anyone thought I'd be. But I had a good time, and explored the world to some extent. Yes, I look at some friends who are almost ten years younger than me, who got on a good track straight away, and worked at a good job straight out of school with a bit of envy. They have financial security beyond mine, and they are much younger.

But, along my fucked up path, I found something I'm good at and that I enjoy. It pays okay, enough that when my life fell apart in the last couple years I was able to buy my own house. So far...I'm staying above water. And I'm still happy. I like my life, I like who I am.

But still, that fucking "potential" that I was christened as having when I was FIVE YEARS OLD still haunts me. Should I have tried harder? Should I STILL be trying harder? Working longer hours? Giving up time with my kids to advance into management?

Most days I figure the answer is "nope". This life is just fine. It's going alllllllright, all things considered.

Fucking potential can go fuck itself.

Oh..wait, this isn't the sweary shouting thread? Sorry!

It's important to me to reference the goal.
True. For me, it's simply about being able to look back on my life if I ever get old and accept that I did the best I could. Would I do things differently if I had a do-over? For sure. Would things have turned out any different in the end? I doubt it.

I understand the 'potential' thing - a lot was expected of me at a young age, too. Fast-tracked at school from a young age, I coasted through the early years of school and then crashed and burned when I got to the stage where I needed to put in the hard yards and never really applied myself when it mattered. Struggled through to the end of high school without achieving anything, never went to university, ended up in a dead-end job that turned into something of a career, which subsequently crashed and burned, started a new career that led me to where I am, which is not an unhappy place overall, leaving the current train-wreck of personal relationship aside. My biggest regret is never attending university, not for the formal education, but for the life experience that I feel I have somehow missed. I'm also bumping up against things career-wise that not having a degree are starting to affect. Despite my rhetoric about never getting too old, I do feel that I'm too old to catch-up in that area.

I got on the freak track very early in life - like 15 or thereabouts - and it has served me well in terms of life situation envy.

I think this explains a lot of my outlook on life, too. By 15 I knew I was never gonna live the hetero life, so at that point my path diverged from basically everybody I'd ever known. I never felt like I could compare milestones in my life to those of anybody else's.

And that was a good thing, since I'd have been the very same freak I am now even if I HAD been heterosexual, I'm pretty sure.

I am not embarrassed by what I haven't achieved, I am disappointed because there are things I wanted by now that I don't have.

I've been looking at this idea pretty hard lately. My life has been so... unstructured, and I felt like I needed to give it some structure, even if it was whimsical. So I started a life list: a loose collection of things I want to do, goals I'll be happy to aim myself toward.

I'm still refining it, and I'm trying to keep them pretty concrete, not abstract. It's been surprisingly rewarding, partly because it does show me what's important to me (not to outside observers) and partly because it gave me a chance to reflect on how many really magical things have already happened in my life.

...and then one day you find
ten years have got behind you.
No one told you wen to run;
you missed the starting gun.

-P. Floyd

That's given me a very welcome perspective on my own life, and the ability to kiss off the outsider's perspective. (And you know, jason's_planet, The Fella thought that no proper grown-up woman would be interested in him. He was wrong.)

Thank you. Actually, I know that this is objectively untrue. We have one example here of a woman with a real job who did, in fact, take me seriously as a boyfriend.

I'm just venting. Being all hyperbolic and stuff.

Fucking potential can go fuck itself.

"Potential" as a way to shepherd kids into boring, hyper-corporate careers? Yeah, that can definitely go fuck itself.

But maybe they were on to something. Maybe there is potential there and that potential can be actualized in other, less traditional ways.

Just a thought.

I felt that way a lot while I was a scientist. It's why it took me so long to get out of the academic rat-race. It's a very structured career path, going through academia via post-doc(s) to being a professor. If you slip up, fail to get a crucial grant, have a kid... so many things can just derail you and you fall behind the countless other people in exactly the same position as you.

I wanted to get out for years before I actually did. I remember a few years ago someone on metachat suggesting I become a librarian, and hey, that's kind of what I did!

My former mentors are all very disappointed in me: they are all mad successful in our field and I was one that they were hoping go on to big things. Instead I traded it in for a job with little to no career progression. I am, however, about 100X happier, less stressed, and I do extremely interesting work, about 2/3 of the hours and get paid about 30% more than my post-doc. What's not to love?

Elsa, I want to have an English cream tea with you.

Thank you. Actually, I know that this is objectively untrue.

You'd better. But it sounded like you could use a little extra "attaboy!" And you deserve it, too.

Elsa, I want to have an English cream tea with you.

It was a little startling, though it shouldn't have been, to see how many of those goals are food-related... or rather, how many of those goals are bigger things cloaked in the concrete details of culinary desires. The croissant in view of the Eiffel Tower, for example: I like a croissant, but the goal isn't about the croissant, y'know?

One more thing, sorry: I know I am super, super lucky in many ways; I hope I don't come off too complain-y.

Don't worry, amro. Complaining serves a purpose, too, even when the purpose is just to release some emotional pressure. I'm recognize that I'm luckier --- and it's just plain sheer dumb luck --- than a lot of people in this world; it's worth keeping that in mind when we complain. But that happenstance doesn't mean we can't complain or wish for better. We're still allowed to.

This is an interesting read. I'm finding it pretty cool to see some commonality in disparate folk.

jason's_planet you raise a good point. I've little interest in pushing my girls the same way I was (alibet gently) pushed. I am SO hoping that they develop the same love of learning that has helped me along the way, when proper academic study held little interest.

I figure, if they love learning, then it doesn't matter much what form it takes, but they'll always be working toward improving themselves, being the best THEM they can be. I hope to allow them to have the same strength of character that allowed me to piss away a whole lot of time, pursuing things that interested me! It's made for an interesting enough life so far.

Also, I'd hope I've not made it sound like there's anything wrong with conventional accomplishments. So long as they were meaningful to the individual, you know?

This is the story of my life! I spent most of the last decade temping or underemployed, coming to terms with the reality that Career Plan A just was not going to happen for me thanks to the quickly disappearing market and trying to figure out a new Career Plan B (then Plan C, D, E...) That also hindered a lot of my other plans. It was hard to hear about all sorts of people I know getting constantly promoted, buying first, second and third homes, and just being able to get ahead while I was just staying in place, or having to start over again. Things have started to come together for me in the last couple years and I do feel that right now I'm getting closer to where I "should be," but I am not fully there yet.

Four fucking decades alive and I'm living proof that you can grow up to be . . . nothing, to have left no impact on the world, to have scrambled and struggled and ultimately signified nothing.

*raises hand*

This is how I feel although I know it's not completely true.

...and then one day you find
ten years have got behind you.
No one told you wen to run;
you missed the starting gun.

and you run and you run
to catch up with the sun,
but it's sinking
and racing around
to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same, in a relative way,
but you're older.
Shorter of breath
and one day closer to death.

Which is kind of how I feel - despite not really caring too much about achieving certain goals that society says I should, I'm always conscious that what remains of life is getting less and less. There are things that I do want to achieve and I hope that I get to do so. The fact that I'm such a slack-arsed bastard doesn't bode well for this, though.

Four fucking decades alive and I'm living proof that you can grow up to be . . . nothing, to have left no impact on the world, to have scrambled and struggled and ultimately signified nothing.
Well, I'm starting the end of my fifth decade in the face. I felt the same way at 40 and nothing's changed. If anything, this is the thing that bugs me the most about my life - I don't feel like I've made a diffrence to the world. I don't care about being remembered by others or anything like that - I just want to know that somewhere, there is something that I know I achieved and I just don't see it. But I've still got plenty of time, right? Right? The unexpected death of three friends over the past couple of months has me acutely aware of my own mortality at the moment, which doesn't help my unease about having passed through the world without adding something to the stock of humanity.

I came of age in the late 60's. . .people in my peer group believed in the change of ages, Nostradamas, etc., and assumed that by 2010 there would be little left of the "old" world. So career, success, etc. was not a factor. Living day to day, to the point that once I had to decide whether the chunk of money I had at the time would go towards renewing my car insurance or buying some pot. . .I chose the latter. . .I doubt that I would make that choice today.

One thing I WAS good at was music. I played guitar, and was on the very outermost fringes of the LA music scene. Played some restaurants. It felt like it was ALMOST going to happen for me. It didn't. I had put a lot of energy into this, but I never could crack the code of the business. I had friends who got further than I did, but you've never heard of them either. One HUGE thing I missed was that really good memorable music has ATTITUDE in it, and the more brash personalities seemed to get further. Whatever.

I moved to the Oregon coast, and assumed that, in this little town, I'd be far an away the best musician, since I'd jammed with these minor celebrities in LA. Well I was not. . .there were people in this little town that blew me away. It was humbling but good.

So all that is still somewhat of a blight on my self-image, not having "made it" as a musician. But it's OK also. . .

Otherwise, I am in a career that I had no idea I would be in, I make OK money for the city I live in, and day to day life is comfortable if now luxurious.

I'm really curious about those who feel they've made no impact on the world. I mean, career is one thing - but even when my career was looking like it was totally tanking, I could still feel some sense of accomplishment in volunteer work, activism, music, etc. Don't you feel as though you've made a difference for the individuals in your lives, or as though you have contributed something in the way of effort, kindness, creativity, support for others, support for a cause? Aren't those the things that are most indicative of a life well led, anyway? It distresses me that anyone should feel this way. And it's certainly never too late to find something to get involved in and start making differences - in a pretty short timeframe, even.

I've been feeling a little like this. I'm 26, which I realise is still young (then again, 'still young' is different to young, isn't it?) and to my complete surprise my career appears to be falling into place, though I'm terrified that something will happen and it will all fall apart again.

My colleagues are all my age-ish. They are all married or partnered. All sit about doing all their couple-y things, and I could hardly be more single. I've got a horrible suspicion that I'm still in love with a guy I was barely with several years ago, whose girlfriend (that he got together with a month after me) has become one of my best friends. I kind of hate myself for that, and feel so pathetic that I can't get over this ridiculous unrequited thing.

I've met a few really lovely guys, but every time push comes to shove I run away from them as fast as I can and don't look back.

I'm the one sabotaging myself and I can't figure out how to stop or how to stop hoping that maybe if I wait long enough things will fall into place.

And all the while I can hear the ticking of the biological clock and know I really only have realistically another 10 years to sort my shit out if I want kids. If I can afford kids. I love my job but earn far far less than all my other friends who just waltzed out of uni into their first jobs. I have climbed as far as I can for the forseeable future with no pay rises in sight.

And yet, I'm happy. Mostly. Maybe these guys just weren't right for me? Maybe when someone new does come along things will change. I have hope, and I'm going to work hard to find out what I can do to help myself. If I've at least done that, then I'll be proud of myself for what I've accomplished.

(also: I want in on this cream tea with gaspode and Elsa!!)